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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate behaviour/language. Aibu?

58 replies

Beesh · 02/10/2019 22:39

I'm preparing for a flaming here but anyway. Also trying not to drip feed.

This morning I heard my 8 year old ds tell another boy he was going to teabag him. I was obviously livid, told him under no circumstances was he ever to say anything like that ever again and that we would discuss it after school. The bell had just rang and his teacher wasn't there so couldn't talk to her at the time. Plus I wanted to get some information from ds about where he had heard this. When I picked him up we had a chat. He thought it meant putting your bum in someone's face. He said he thought this as another boy pushed him to the ground and squatted over his face saying he was going to teabag him. We had a chat about how this was never OK and how horrible it was to do that to someone etc etc. Ds is no angel, I know this, but I do believe him. He's a terrible liar and I can read him like a book. We are also quite strict with age appropriate games and videos so I doubt very much that he has picked it up from anything online. As I said, I'm not being 'well my little angel would never do this...' I know he messes around and gets in trouble at school and I deal with this when it happens. All previous years it's been that he's the class clown, talks too much, messes about.

As I was angry and actually a bit shocked I messaged his teacher via the app. This is their requested method of contact. I explained that I'd heard him say something inappropriate and that it seems that there's been inappropriate behaviour from another boy, could we meet to discuss this. I did not mention the word teabag, just that it was inappropriate language and behaviour. Her response was that there's 5 boys parents in the class that she wants to meet with to discuss their clash of personalities and behaviour, can we meet next week. Fine. I'm happy to meet and come up with a plan to sort that out with her and other parents. Unfortunately she is now off sick so it won't be until Monday at the earliest. However, I feel that the teabagging is a separate issue and should be discussed sooner. Aibu and blowing this all out of proportion? Her response has me doubting my initial reaction. Maybe this is more common boys messing about type thing. But he's an 8 year old child, I feel this is inappropriate. Should I go and speak to someone tomorrow or wait?

OP posts:
Original poster
Beesh · 02/10/2019 22:40

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs, I swear they were there when I typed it. I don't know how they've disappeared.

OP posts:
titchy · 02/10/2019 22:51

Given that he didn't know what the word tea-bagging meant, and you've told him off for saying he's going to do something silly to another kid I'd say you were over the top.

Presumably you've told him what it actually means and that it's not a nice thing to say?

Teacher is aware these boys' behaviour is poor and wants to get their parents together to sort it out. Which she will when she's back.

What else do you want to happen that isn't happening?

Original poster
Beesh · 02/10/2019 23:01

My issue is that another boy has teabagged my son. I think that this goes beyond normal playground fights and messing about for a group of 8 year olds. I'm prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable. I just want others opinions on this.

OP posts:
Jollitwiglet · 02/10/2019 23:08

Well It doesn't sound like anyone has actually teabagged your son. Someone has squatted over him and said they're going to. Now don't get me wrong, that's still inappropriate, but is a far cry from actually being teabagged.

It does sound like messing around has gone too far, and does sound inappropriate especially for that age group. I just don't think you need to go in all guns blazing thinking that this is a more urgent issue than what is going on with the other boys

Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2019 23:09

"Teabagging" is a very common thing/term in gaming. That's probably where your son and his friends got it from.

MustardScreams · 02/10/2019 23:11

An 8 year old has teabagged another 8 year old? What?

Lunafortheloveogod · 02/10/2019 23:11

Do any of them play Xbox/PlayStation online.. likes of call of duty and I think fortnite pubg type games let the player “squat” over someone they just killed if they’re quick enough it plays on the other persons screen.. basically taunting them. The purpose of the actual squat in the game is for cover but you can imagine what a teenager thought it looked like and that’s how it evolved.

So likely the sitting on their head thing came from that.. not a more sinister place just a “haha I beat you” thing.

I doubt your son was actually teabagged on the playground. More playing x and lost so boy copied his game characters move.. like how many copied wrestling.

PhilCornwall1 · 02/10/2019 23:13

An overreaction I'd say. Just wait until he gets older, it will probably get worse. Just put him right as things come up. I have a 17 year old that's turned out great and is doing well, but going through primary, junior and to a point secondary school, we heard worse.

Ifyousayso2019 · 02/10/2019 23:14

Your son wasn't tea bagged though. Admittedly putting your bum in someone's face at the age of 8 is not appropriate either but perhaps that's also what the other boy thinks tea bagging is, like your son thought.

I think what you said to the teacher must have triggered to her that inappropriate behaviour or language between the 5 kids is something she has noticed, and therefore it would make sense to discuss it in that forum as it sounds like she may have the same concerns

Sunshine93 · 02/10/2019 23:15

I would want to speak to the school tomorrow.i wouldn't be happy to wait until monday. What that other boy did was horrible and the school need to know. Maybe it was a game but it wasn't ok and it's not age appropriate language . The school need to know.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 23:16

I am 40 years old and have never heard of the term until I opened this thread. Confused

According to er, Urban Dictionary, “to teabag” someone involves:

” To insert one's nuts into the mouth of another (of either gender), usually while they are sleeping.”

You’re not suggesting this is what actually happened, OP?

PhannyMcNee · 02/10/2019 23:16

What @Aquamarine1029 said - we had the same with dc4 who is 10 in the summer holidays - dc1 and 2 explained it wasn’t what I thought but a gaming thing and although not especially nice, not a sexual thing.

BertieBotts · 02/10/2019 23:17

They will have picked it up from gaming, and not understand the sexual context to it, just that it is crude and therefore funny - like farting at someone which is quite normal humour for boys of that age.

OK - the issue of sexual displays of dominance being a thing in gaming aside (and I appreciate that is a huge problem) - that's not what the other boy meant by it. It's much like if one of them had called the other an offensive name that they thought was harmless but a bit naughty, because they thought it was equivalent to "idiot".

Explain the context as part of the reason of why they ought not to be doing this if you like, but don't take it as more than it was, which is playground jostling.

Original poster
Beesh · 02/10/2019 23:22

I know he wasn't actually teabagged. That's an over reaction, sorry. I think if it had been a 'I'm going to put my bum on your face' I wouldn't be as bothered. It's just that the word teabag was used and it's blown it all up in my head. I know that the other boy probably doesn't know what it actually means either.

It could be from gaming. He doesn't play call of duty but has played Fortnite in the past but not online and not recently. We're on a Minecraft phase just now. Can you teabag in Minecraft?

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 02/10/2019 23:24

I imagine neither of them know what it actually means. It’s nandied about in gaming circles to mean “ ha, loser” when someone wins, because the game graphics in fort nite( I think) make it look a bit like that.

It’s not a sexual thing to the kids, by all means tell him not to say that, and that adults won’t be impressed.

Chickychoccyegg · 02/10/2019 23:24

sounds like the boys dont know what teabagging is and it was just innocently messing around in the playground.
You've told your ds its not an acceptable term and teacher is aware of issues in class which she'll deal with when she's back, what else could you possibley want to happen? i think your blowing out of proportion

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 23:24

I know he wasn't actually teabagged. That's an over reaction, sorry

It’s certainly made me look at the innocuous teabag in a whole new light, OP! Wink

It does sound as if it’s gaming jargon.

Original poster
Beesh · 02/10/2019 23:25

No I don't mean that the other boy put his nuts into the mouth of my ds. I was over reacting and being irrational when I said my issue was ds was teabagged.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2019 23:27

If your son didn't hear this himself from gaming, he heard it from a friend who did. I think you are blowing this out of proportion. Your son is 8 and children that age do and say daft things they really don't understand all the time. You've spoken to him about it and you should continue to keep the lines of communication open, but this really isn't the crime of the century. As for the child who "teabagged" your son, he really didn't. Just a dumb kid being dumb.

EowynDernhelm · 02/10/2019 23:28

Going back 20 years, I'm sure teabagging used to mean to pull someones trousers down! Nothing to do with their nuts.

Original poster
Beesh · 02/10/2019 23:28

I think now I know it's a gaming thing I don't feel as bad. Still not nice though. I've never been so angry at DS when I heard him say that this morning.

OP posts:
Sunshine93 · 02/10/2019 23:31

I think if it had been a 'I'm going to put my bum on your face' I wouldn't be as bothered

So I seem to be in the minority but I would be bothered. It's sounds unpleasant . I also think 8 year olds shouldn't be playing on Fortnite but I know there are children in my son's class who do. I find it weird that everyone is saying "oh he just picked it up from gaming" as if that's fine.

I would want the teacher to know even though I accept I am in the minority.

PhannyMcNee · 02/10/2019 23:32

@Beesh I went through exactly the same run of emotions with DC4 so don’t worry Grin.

Once my feet were back on the ground again, although relieved it wasn’t the sexual tea bagging, I did chat to DC4 about the gaming tea bagging as not being particularly pleasant. All with dc1 & 2 (18 & 16) sniggering in the background!!

Original poster
Beesh · 02/10/2019 23:37

I would still be annoyed sunshine93 but I just wouldn't be as annoyed as when I thought someone threatened to properly teabag him. A wee boy saying he's going to put his bum in someone's face is more silly behaviour than a wee boy saying he's going to put his nuts in someone's mouth in my opinion.

Thanks for giving me some perspective on all of this. I've said and typed teabag too many times today I'm starting to feel like it isn't even a real word.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 02/10/2019 23:42

My grandson said this last weekend while he was staying over. It doesn’t mean what you think it means, or not to them any way, it’s from gaming. I was surprised to hear it but it’s not sexual or inappropriate to them.