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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inappropriate behaviour/language. Aibu?

58 replies

Beesh · 02/10/2019 22:39

I'm preparing for a flaming here but anyway. Also trying not to drip feed.

This morning I heard my 8 year old ds tell another boy he was going to teabag him. I was obviously livid, told him under no circumstances was he ever to say anything like that ever again and that we would discuss it after school. The bell had just rang and his teacher wasn't there so couldn't talk to her at the time. Plus I wanted to get some information from ds about where he had heard this. When I picked him up we had a chat. He thought it meant putting your bum in someone's face. He said he thought this as another boy pushed him to the ground and squatted over his face saying he was going to teabag him. We had a chat about how this was never OK and how horrible it was to do that to someone etc etc. Ds is no angel, I know this, but I do believe him. He's a terrible liar and I can read him like a book. We are also quite strict with age appropriate games and videos so I doubt very much that he has picked it up from anything online. As I said, I'm not being 'well my little angel would never do this...' I know he messes around and gets in trouble at school and I deal with this when it happens. All previous years it's been that he's the class clown, talks too much, messes about.

As I was angry and actually a bit shocked I messaged his teacher via the app. This is their requested method of contact. I explained that I'd heard him say something inappropriate and that it seems that there's been inappropriate behaviour from another boy, could we meet to discuss this. I did not mention the word teabag, just that it was inappropriate language and behaviour. Her response was that there's 5 boys parents in the class that she wants to meet with to discuss their clash of personalities and behaviour, can we meet next week. Fine. I'm happy to meet and come up with a plan to sort that out with her and other parents. Unfortunately she is now off sick so it won't be until Monday at the earliest. However, I feel that the teabagging is a separate issue and should be discussed sooner. Aibu and blowing this all out of proportion? Her response has me doubting my initial reaction. Maybe this is more common boys messing about type thing. But he's an 8 year old child, I feel this is inappropriate. Should I go and speak to someone tomorrow or wait?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 02/10/2019 23:52

A wee boy saying he's going to put his bum in someone's face is more silly behaviour than a wee boy saying he's going to put his nuts in someone's mouth in my opinion.

A "wee boy" truly doesn't understand the distinction. They simply don't get it and it's certainly not sexually motivated. It's just a funny thing to say that they think sounds "cool."

SherbetSaucer · 02/10/2019 23:52

Aibu and blowing this all out of proportion?

WAY out of proportion!!

Original poster
Beesh · 02/10/2019 23:57

I know that now Aquamarine. I didn't get the gaming connection before. Feel like a bit of a fanny but I still need to talk to the school about it and his general behaviour when the teacher's back.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 03/10/2019 08:23

It's two separate issues is all. They've heard it in a gaming context, possibly not actually doing so in game but will have come across it as a thing the same way they come across flossing or whatever. And they've thought "oh that's funny, so you put your bum in someone's face when they lose and it's called teabagging!"

The prevalence of gestures like that in gaming is a separate issue and I agree it is disturbing and misogynistic (same for the use of "raped" to mean defeated) and I'd defo look at what he's consuming in terms of YouTube relating to games and defo stop any online play unless you're strictly controlling who he can talk to. But it is so so likely that they have heard it and only understood the parts of the context that make sense to them, and not the more adult parts. They may have even heard it innocently e.g. An older brother or a silly YouTube song.

BertieBotts · 03/10/2019 08:25

The school might not know the gaming context either to be fair, I don't know that most adults would unless they have some link to gaming.

Original poster
Beesh · 03/10/2019 15:44

So I didn't go into school today. I was just in a panic yesterday because I hadn't heard of the gaming connection. I've reiterated to ds the importance of not saying/doing this as it has a different meaning which is bad and could make someone very upset or angry. He says he understands but obviously I can't police him in the play ground so will still mention to the teacher about it being a thing the boys are doing and it's connection to gaming. He says he hasn't seen it online.

I hope she knows what teabagging is. I really, really, REALLY don't want to explain the first meaning of this to her, especially in front of other parents.

OP posts:
BottleOfJameson · 03/10/2019 16:00

I' not sure what the big deal is, he overheard it and used it himself not really knowing what it meant. You told him not to say it again and presumably explained that it's not appropriate. This won't be the first time he overhears stuff you'd prefer he didn't - in a few years he'll be in secondary school hearing all sorts.

BottleOfJameson · 03/10/2019 16:02

By the way I've heard loads of boys running round the playground at DC's school shouting "I'm going to grab your willy" and other variations of that. I've explained to my two that it's never OK to touch anyone's private bits and they accepted it but it was very clear the kids doing it had no sexual thoughts in their head they just thought it was an amusing body part.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 03/10/2019 16:04

I would have serious safe guarding concerns for the other child. This is not normal.

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2019 16:08

Op, as your son doesn't know what it meant, it's odds on neither did the other kid, look. Your son is going to hear all sorts of inappropriate crap at school what are you going to do, demand a meeting every time?

Why is the other boys behaviour worse than your sons?

And to say your son was teabagged is as you know ludicrous.

Saucery · 03/10/2019 16:11

It isn’t uncommon, Velveteen. Gaming connection has filtered down to a much younger age than the original act in a game. So while all inappropriate language and behaviour needs to be addressed, which the school and OP are doing, it’s unlikely to be a serious safeguarding concern unless there are other incidents with the child who said it.

Bluntness100 · 03/10/2019 16:11

I would have serious safe guarding concerns for the other child.

Why? He could have heard if from another kid,

easyandy101 · 03/10/2019 16:12

Can you teabag in Minecraft?

titchy · 03/10/2019 16:18

Can you teabag in Minecraft?

As long as they're cube-shaped. Grin

Original poster
Beesh · 03/10/2019 16:21

I asked for a meeting at first because I didn't know about the gaming connection. As I previously said, I only understood teabagging was a man putting his testicles in someone's mouth. So I feel that at first I was justified to be concerned and message the teacher. Now that I know there is a gaming connection and the other boy wasn't trying to actually teabag my son I'm less concerned, it's more likely he has picked this up from gaming and it's more innocent than it first appeared to me.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 03/10/2019 16:28

🤣🤣🤣🤣 teabagging in minecraft sounds so english until you know what it means

whiteivy · 03/10/2019 16:35

It's a gaming thing (as said by other PPs).

If you go onto Youtube you can even find videos like "fortnite teabag compilations", so I assume someone who knew what "teabagging" was originally came up with the name for the gaming act, but now it is just the name used for the act of squatting over another gamer once they have been killed in the game. I doubt that many of the younger players are even aware that it has a more explicit meaning

Original poster
Beesh · 03/10/2019 16:50

I can't cope with the amount I've said and typed teabag, teabagged and teabagging in the last 24 hours 😂

OP posts:
Bellringer · 03/10/2019 17:11

It's still bullying, dominating behaviour isn't it?

waspfig · 03/10/2019 17:38

I had this exact issue with a group of boys in my class last year OP. A concerned parent came to me and explained what teabagging was (an awkward conversation for both of us!) and that the boys were doing it to each other in the playground.

Having never heard of it before, I quickly googled and then immediately raised it as a safeguarding issue. Then a colleague pointed out the gaming connection as pp mentioned.

Our school still dealt with it as a safeguarding issue as we had been having so many issues with underage children playing adult games. There are really inappropriate themes in a lot of these games so we met with all the parents involved to make sure they were aware of the kinds of things their children were accessing online.

I think you're right to raise it with the school as some of the parents might not be aware their children are accessing inappropriate content.

SparklyMagpie · 03/10/2019 17:47

I've lost count of how many times "tea bagging" and "nuts in mouth" have been said

SparklyMagpie · 03/10/2019 17:47

*teabagging

SparklyMagpie · 03/10/2019 17:47

Christ even I'm at it now

leomama81 · 03/10/2019 17:55

This is hilarious 😂 I would totally have reacted how you did OP to be fair! To anyone out of the gaming community your definition is what it means!

I don't like the use of it in gaming either, frankly there are a lot of sexually aggressive and misogynistic tropes in gaming and that might be something to look at if he games a lot. But glad you feel a bit better about it anyway.

justchecking1 · 03/10/2019 18:04

I hope she knows what teabagging is. I really, really, REALLY don't want to explain the first meaning of this to her, especially in front of other parents.

😂😂😂😂

Is it really wrong of me to hope she doesn't...?