important man jobs and mummy stresses trying to balance day to day

[SpagBowl99]

SO just checked about how him and our family chuckle at me losing my belongings round the house.

Tried to explain that before getting together in my home: my filing was up to date, my washing and ironing was done, everything had it's place etc, unlike his house.

Also pointed out that I am juggling everything while he picks up important man jobs one my one.

SO's reaction...he sat there and ignored me/didn't comment at all. Had arms crossed and pursed lips.

Then said I was going off on one. ...

Is it like this in anyone else's house? Feel like separating from him so he can pick up all the non man jobs and understand (HW, kiddie shuffling, washing, birthday...etc).

When the children were small and both of us were working, I found my DH used to allocate himself plenty of jobs, but of a particular kind. I got left with a different kind.

His were jobs he could take his time over: if they didn't get done today, later would do. Things like mowing the lawn or hoovering. Painting skirting boards and pressure washing the terrace. Changing the oil in the car. Interesting things. Things where you literally couldn't do anything else at the same time. Things I was supposed to applaud him for.

My jobs were always the time sensitive ones; things that left people stranded or hungry or in chaos or naked and dripping if they weren't done by a deadline. Laundry, shopping, masterminding clubs and childminders and ballet lessons and dental appointments, dinner money and PE kit. Making beds. Things that were only noticed when I dropped a spinning plate and someone didn't have what they needed as they rushed out the door. Things I got yelled at for not having ready.

That wasn't accidental but it was exhausting.

He did cook. I think I might have gone under entirely if he hadn't. And he did great bedtime stories that they still talk about as adults. Nobody talks about the thousands of sheets I changed.

That's what OP is talking about, I think. And I think we need to start noticing and sitting down whenever they do, and only getting back up to work on the next job when they do, too. That would make a difference.

Why do we normalise the 'second shift' for women coming in from work when men don't work it?

Have I stumbled into an alternate universe?
Mummy stresses, man jobs, kiddies!!
I might have to fuck off to flouncers' corner soon.

Also we can't even say bloody now without using @ instead of O?

I can sympathise with OP's mental load.

It is the twee language that is putting me off. I have to say I agree with this.

Or expect him to do his share. But if you do decide to put up with his lazy, sexist behaviour, please don't behave as if it's normal and funny. It's not funny, it's horrible. The whole 'oh men, aren't they shit, bless them' thing makes another generation of women expect poor behaviour.

I don’t understand the backlash against the OP here and the term man jobs - it was so obviously a tongue in cheek mocking term like the term man flu for when men have a cold. This place can be so unkind there’s just no need for it

If the op was being sarcastic or funny it doesn't come across in her posts. Particularly as she says she got it from her mother as her justification.

The bottom line is most women intensely dislike the thought of mummy and man stuff. As a pps said it's twee, sexist, outdated, and condescending.

Man jobs?! What century are you living in?

Stop confirming to stupid gender stereotypes and stop letting him get away without doing 50% of the chores.

What @blueshoes and @Ellisandra said. You shouldn’t be living like this, but all the elaborate joky tone, and the fact that you and your mother have little joke code words for monstrously misogynistic behaviour by your DH, suggests you fundamentally accept this. Stop. It’s not inevitable. It doesn’t happen in this house.

I think perhaps we've missed OP's main point, which was that the corporate chuckling at her occasionally missing a spinning plate and temporarily losing/forgetting something important TO HER was condescending and patronising. It seems her DC may be being drawn in to chuckle condescendingly in chorus at ditsy mummy forgetting something again.

Then, when she points out the largely invisible and hugely disproportionate load she's routinely carrying, she's first disapproved of for her humourlessness in refusing to collude in the chuckling, then accused of being strident when she calmly points out the unwelcome reality that her DH is essentially getting a free ride most of the time.

OP's DH is coming across not as lazy, necessarily, but as both entitled and pompous.

It's hard not to resent someone who refuses even to see clearly the uneven balance of the daily work and considers that the one who shines a light on it needs shutting down.

I do think the PP's suggestion that 'nobody sits down till it's all done' could upset his applecart in a big way. No need to 'nag', just flop into an armchair whenever he does and ask vaguely what needs to be done next, then negotiate who does what.

Surely even Mr pompous and entitled isn't enough of a CF actually to say "I think I should get some relaxing time with the paper/TV/games console and you should scurry round getting a meal for everyone because I've been at work all day," when she has too. But if he does, one raised eyebrow and a continued occupation of the armchair will get the message across without 'shouting'.

@Bluntness100 I thought the sarcasm was palpable. She got it from her mother as in they both have discussed in annoyed tones how blockes think there are big man jobs and mummy jobs subconsciously- not that they do.

Yes, the sarcasm was palpable.

@SpagBowl99

It’s obvious you were being sarcastic about “man jobs”. Some people are embarrassing themselves here, trying so hard to be clever that they are looking quite stupid.

I don’t have to put up with this from my husband, but I’ve seen it all too often. One of my brothers does this, it’s his way of getting out of responsibility and silencing any criticism of his behaviour with mockery. It’s fairly twatty. I’d be giving him a verbal kick up the arse and warning him it’s not a joke.

SpagBowl99, you are right to be annoyed.
Clearly you, and your mum, have used sarcasm & humour to pretend that everything's ok.
It isn't ok about you doing most of the work, and it definitely isn't ok about your partner making fun of you and being sneery.

This is the reality for most mothers. I don’t know many (maybe any) fathers who truly share the mental load of having children. Sure some share 50% of the tasks (realistically very few), but that’s not the same thing

Well mine does. Partly it's because he's not a sexist twat but also from observing other women I'm pretty relaxed in some ways and if he cocks up (no more often than me) then I don't worry/ take over.

Buying children's clothes and organising holidays is my job but the rest (parties, school stuff, organisation for sports, shopping round for deals on financial stuff etc) I reckon he does pretty much entirely and is more than mine.

Yeah mine does at least 50% of the mental load too. Stuff like meal planning, shopping, paying for kids' clubs and organising lift shares. I'm really glad that our children see him taking equal responsibility, it should be the norm.

My DS does all the practical household stuff and all the mental load.
He has recently got a p/t job so is no longer a SAHD, but continues to do everything.
His DP does her stressful f/t job and does fun stuff with the kids.

Sinkgirl - you got me and many others have too, thank you :-)

All great responses, thank you all, lots of food for thought.

At work now, will read through again later and think through an action plan.