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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

important man jobs and mummy stresses trying to balance day to day

92 replies

SpagBowl99 · 02/10/2019 17:25

SO just checked about how him and our family chuckle at me losing my belongings round the house.

Tried to explain that before getting together in my home: my filing was up to date, my washing and ironing was done, everything had it's place etc, unlike his house.

Also pointed out that I am juggling everything while he picks up important man jobs one my one.

SO's reaction...he sat there and ignored me/didn't comment at all. Had arms crossed and pursed lips.

Then said I was going off on one. ...

Is it like this in anyone else's house? Feel like separating from him so he can pick up all the non man jobs and understand (HW, kiddie shuffling, washing, birthday...etc).

OP posts:
SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 02/10/2019 17:59

FGS it’s perfectly obvious that the OP is being tongue in cheek.

It’s a very common situation, but that doesn’t make it right.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2019 18:01

Look. People treat you how you let them. He might be a lazy, work shy, inconsiderate, sexist arsehole but making up cute names and laughing with your mum about it doesn't get the housework done.

Simple rules work; like no one sits down until everything is done. Or whoever cooks doesn't wash up. Or leave him because he's an arsehole.

ahsbackagain · 02/10/2019 18:01

So basically your partner is a lazy shit and expects his wife to do most of the household chores because he sent an email and that's a mans job? WTF?

GreytExpectations · 02/10/2019 18:05

Op you and your mum are being sexist by calling jobs "man jobs" and "non man jobs" Do you generally think men are more important than women or is it just the household jobs they do you find more important? Hmm

Reallybadidea · 02/10/2019 18:07

Some of you need to look up the word 'irony' in the dictionary.

Original poster
SpagBowl99 · 02/10/2019 18:08

Thank you for those that have managed to decipher my rant and additionally those that have said in their house too same.

Calming down and can happily report that no animals or children have been harmed.

Still deciding what to do with other half for blanking my comments and then having a go at me for shouting I wasn't, I was just explaining something to him calmly and he was blanking me.

That's another thing...when I disagree in a calm considered way I tend to get told that I am shouting or have said it in the wrong way.

∆ Anyone get that one too?!

OP posts:
katalavenete · 02/10/2019 18:11

Seriously why do you think it's funny to be disrespected and exploited like this?

There are lots of women who don't think they deserve better treatment from their partner, just like there are a depressing number of women currently being abused by their partner, but that doesn't make either situation ok or mean you should live like this.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/10/2019 18:11

I thought it was perfectly straightforward to understand what the OP meant.

Me too, the problem is her P is stuck in the 1950s but it's worse the OP is expected to hold down a job and look after him.

Yanbu at all in any way other than some enabling. Stop now .....

Ellisandra · 02/10/2019 18:12

Yes, some other people are treated like shit by their boyfriends too.
I get the feeling you’re looking for people here to take your mum’s role - to let off steam with, but ultimately say “men huh? Hmm” then carry on as it is.
I think you might get more people saying “what do you want to do about it?”

Teateaandmoretea · 02/10/2019 18:12

Thank you for those that have managed to decipher my rant and additionally those that have said in their house too same.

Ah now my house isn't the same he would be kicked straight into touch round here.

TheMustressMhor · 02/10/2019 18:15

I understand exactly what the OP means.

I was married to a man like this. We ended up getting divorced. My next husband (to whom I am still married) and I do all the jobs around the house between us.

There are no "man jobs" as he does his full share of everything. And we both work full time.

ChickenyChick · 02/10/2019 18:15

I think he sounds like a crappy partner

Fwiw

RedskyLastNight · 02/10/2019 18:16

In our house we call this DH "doing the thing"

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/relationships/man-sorts-out-one-thing-20190805187968

DH at least (mostly) realises when he is doing this, and tries to do better!

Elieza · 02/10/2019 18:17

Get a whiteboard

Ask him what jobs he has to do this week. (Probably the list will say along the lines of “put bin out” “phone mate to arrange Fridays snooker” and perhaps one other miscellaneous thing which is of no significance to anyone but him yet makes it near the top of the list...)

Note these tasks down on whiteboard.

Now add your list in its full glory to the whiteboard. Remember to include such treasures as “wipe the surfaces again after dp has done them as he always misses crumbs” and “put fresh toilet roll onto holder that nobody’s bothered to do” and other family favourites.

Now compare lists. (You may need to buy an additional whiteboard for yours).

Divvy up tasks more fairly.
Threaten divorce or going to your mothers for the weekend without the kids if he does not want to do his bit.

Lazy shite if he does only this and that and doesn’t do his fair share. Time to make him Grin

TheMustressMhor · 02/10/2019 18:17

when I disagree in a calm considered way I tend to get told that I am shouting or have said it in the wrong way

Yes - I recognise this ploy, too.

Time to consider your position, OP. You're possibly flogging a dead horse here.

Original poster
SpagBowl99 · 02/10/2019 18:21

Red sky thanks, love that😄

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 18:24

I'm not with you, I don't understand the concept of man jobs. I don't even think my grandmothers did. I have no idea why you and your mother think this way, I'm sorry but I don't. It's 2019. There is no such thing.

SinkGirl · 02/10/2019 18:25

Me too, the problem is her P is stuck in the 1950s but it's worse the OP is expected to hold down a job and look after him.

You talk as if this isn’t common in many households in 2019. It is.

In almost every couple I know, especially those with kids, the women carry the vast majority of the mental load and at best their partners are delegated tasks - they never have to worry about the overall picture and keep track of what needs to be done and when. This is exhausting. And this is more common than not.

SinkGirl · 02/10/2019 18:26

I'm not with you, I don't understand the concept of man jobs. I don't even think my grandmothers did. I have no idea why you and your mother think this way, I'm sorry but I don't. It's 2019. There is no such thing.

I’m more alarmed that it’s 2019 and so many posters don’t seem to understand sarcasm...

Bluntness100 · 02/10/2019 18:26

And what's a mummy job? None of the women I know refer to men jobs and mummy jobs.

Ellisandra · 02/10/2019 18:26

Interesting that you laugh at that link @SpagBowl99 and choose to respond to that before other posts.

Do you think you actually enjoy buying into the “men are useless” trope, because it makes you feel superior or important?

SquishySquirmy · 02/10/2019 18:27

Sheeesh, so many posters with broken sarcasm detectors this evening!
I don't think op really thinks there are "man jobs" and "woman jobs" nor that man jobs are more important.

You are not unreasonable, but you should bring this up again with him, and not just when he has sniped at your lack of organisation (or it comes across as defensiveness in the face of criticism, rather than a fair request for him to pull his weight with ALL the jobs.)
Also you probably were "going off on one", but it sounds like you were justified in doing so.

If he isn't pulling his weight, you don't have to put up with that. Be prepared for more arguments before things change though.

Original poster
SpagBowl99 · 02/10/2019 18:30

Thank you all for your responses, I am considering them. He is very proactive at doing things round the house and isn't lazy.

But I get frustrated at getting stuck with the mundane tasks and getting overwhelmed with them. He does pitch in, but will veer off from the important day to day tasks, which is frustrating.

OP posts:
Ninkaninus · 02/10/2019 18:31

Oh my god ffs it’s not hard to understand!

It’s not OP or her mum that consider it ‘man jobs’ it’s the man who is leaving all the shitwork/menial work/mental load to the woman (because he far too important for all that unseen and thankless labour, so he will just pick and choose ‘important man jobs’ here abc there (in other words, the things he either likes to do or can easily tolerate), yet somehow it’s the woman’s fault that she’s always tired/stressed/has to pick up all the slack for everything that actually keeps the household running.

Original poster
SpagBowl99 · 02/10/2019 18:32

Ellisandra..it made me giggle, that's why I commented on it.

OP posts:
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