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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

important man jobs and mummy stresses trying to balance day to day

92 replies

SpagBowl99 · 02/10/2019 17:25

SO just checked about how him and our family chuckle at me losing my belongings round the house.

Tried to explain that before getting together in my home: my filing was up to date, my washing and ironing was done, everything had it's place etc, unlike his house.

Also pointed out that I am juggling everything while he picks up important man jobs one my one.

SO's reaction...he sat there and ignored me/didn't comment at all. Had arms crossed and pursed lips.

Then said I was going off on one. ...

Is it like this in anyone else's house? Feel like separating from him so he can pick up all the non man jobs and understand (HW, kiddie shuffling, washing, birthday...etc).

OP posts:
Ninkaninus · 02/10/2019 18:34

Ugh I’ve totally screwed the punctuation there...

Anyway OP I know what you’re saying, though thankfully I’ve never personally had to deal with it. My OH actually is quite important at work and has a very stressful and demanding job, yet he somehow manages to still be a grown adult and do at least 50% of what needs doing at home to keep things running and to ensure that I don’t feel like an unpaid skivvy.

minipie · 02/10/2019 18:37

YANBU OP. It’s a common problem.

See also “the mental load” and “wifework”.

DH is actually perfectly capable of doing all the menial repetitive stuff if I’m (rarely) away but magically forgets about it if I’m around. I’m not sure if this is more or less annoying than if he was incapable.

Grimbles · 02/10/2019 18:37

I get you OP. Being left to deal with the kids, sort out lunches, housework, etc. whilst DP does the super-urgent top priority stuff like resorting his CD collection into genres instead of alphabetical order (for example).

Basically, avoiding doing any of the grunt work.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 02/10/2019 18:43

Your husband is a bellend

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 02/10/2019 18:44

Tell him to man the fuck up and stop treating the place like a hotel. It is perfectly achievable even if you have a penis.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 02/10/2019 18:48

If he's so helpful but "veers off" into doing something else, remind him that his job is still unfinished.
Surely he's not so disorganised and inefficient that he'll just leave a job and not finish it?

SuperMumTum · 02/10/2019 18:48

This is one of the reasons I am happily single after 10 years of that shit.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2019 18:50

If you're going to bed after him because he is finished and you aren't, then he is lazy and he's not proactive.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 02/10/2019 18:51

Try saying something like "If I leave my wet towels in the bathroom, I don't come back and find that you've tidied them up for me. So why do you expect me to do that for you?"
(Substitute relevant task, obv).

PositiveVibez · 02/10/2019 18:53

I only put yabu because of your sickly title in your OP 'mummy stresses'

Your partner sounds like a condescending a-hole.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 02/10/2019 18:56

OMG! Your original post is perfectly understandable. The professionally confused replies are annoying.

ColaFreezePop · 02/10/2019 19:00

OP time for you to go on a girls holiday (run away at least 150 miles away) for a minimum of 10 days. Leaving your DP with the kids.

You need to go on say a Wednesday during term time and come back mid-week.

Reason for the mid-week departure is then he will have an entire weekend to manage homework, uniforms, cleaning, etc.

Do this a few times and he will buck up his ideas.

Teateaandmoretea · 02/10/2019 19:08

You talk as if this isn’t common in many households in 2019. It is.

I'm perfectly aware that it is. But it definitely shouldn't be accepted as either reasonable or normal.

Mimi91 · 02/10/2019 19:11

@SpagBowl99 from what you've said, it sounds like you would be viewed as a 'nag' if you tried sit down to discuss sharing the jobs more equally.

Maybe a better approach would be taking a couple of days away from the house, so he can experience your world? Or maybe you could take on some of the jobs he would usually do (eg. DIY store run) and ask him to do the washing whilst you're out.

Cringing hard at 'man jobs' 😬 don't think this kind of language/attitude is helping break the mould or the cycle you find yourself in. Irony?

HoldMyLobster · 02/10/2019 19:12

OMG! Your original post is perfectly understandable. The professionally confused replies are annoying.

Agreed. This seems to be a recent thing on Mumsnet - posters purposefully failing to understand the OP. (That's me being charitable and not assuming they're just thick.)

Original poster
SpagBowl99 · 02/10/2019 19:15

Fab suggestion Colafreeze

Minipie, that's it the 'mental load'

Having a ponder...I wonder if part of it is expectations on parents nowadays...bl@@dy school and kids club emails with instructions is just the icing on the cake, IT security and policing and kids is another, having quality time and parenting the right way, being healthy, keeping up with birthdays.....

I need to flip this and look at positives I think, it escape to the country...

OP posts:
GorkyMcPorky · 02/10/2019 19:17

A non-ironic response: yes I would leave a man like that. I commute for 1.5 hours a day so my DH does packed lunches, school runs and frankly more than his fair share of the general domestic shite while I mark at home. It's just normal and I'm not expected to feel grateful for it.

Ellisandra · 02/10/2019 19:17

There’s a whole other thread about expectations on parents now.

But that’s not relevant to your situation. Your boyfriend wouldn’t fairly share the load whether there was one job or ten.

Knoxinbox · 02/10/2019 20:01

the women carry the vast majority of the mental load and at best their partners are delegated tasks - they never have to worry about the overall picture and keep track of what needs to be done and when. This is exhausting.

Yes this! It is exhausting Sad

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2019 20:38

I need to flip this and look at positives I think, it escape to the country...

Or expect him to do his share. But if you do decide to put up with his lazy, sexist behaviour, please don't behave as if it's normal and funny. It's not funny, it's horrible.

The whole 'oh men, aren't they shit, bless them' thing makes another generation of women expect poor behaviour. Advertising, other women, media... all selling an idea that women have to be everything and men don't. Bollocks to that.

LemonPrism · 02/10/2019 20:40

She's obviously taking the piss out of how he only does Big Important Tasks unlike she who just cracks on with it. This is what she means by 'big man jobs'.

You lot need better comprehension.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2019 20:49

We understand. We just don't agree.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 02/10/2019 21:10

LemonPrism, you mean this is meant to be amusing?
It's not.

SinkGirl · 02/10/2019 22:56

Christ.

She’s not condoning it or laughing at it. She’s discussing her annoyance with a dose of sarcasm and humour, at a situation in which the majority of mothers in this country find themselves. Even men who think they’re super proactive are often just focussed on one task at a time - eg unloading the washing machine, that’s it. They’re not thinking about what needs to go in next, or folding and putting away the clothes, or figuring out how much they can get done before the dentist appointment in 15 minutes while remembering the kids prescriptions need picking up...

This is the reality for most mothers. I don’t know many (maybe any) fathers who truly share the mental load of having children. Sure some share 50% of the tasks (realistically very few), but that’s not the same thing

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2019 23:06

I don't share the mental load. I do 100% of the dentists and play dates and summer camps. DH does pretty much all the housework though.

The issue isn't what work, but how much work.