To be exasperated with FB pity party?

[NearlyGranny]

Youngish family member (by marriage routinely vague- books fury or anguish, triggering a slew of, "Are you OK, Hun? I'm here if you need me!" from friends. I never feel I can respond appropriately unless I know what the problem is.

Now it's "How can I tell (late) DP how much more painfully I miss you as Christmas approaches?" It's only October 2nd! At my count there's 83 days of this ahead. I do care that there's been a premature parental death, I really do, but is dignity really not a thing any more?

I know I can scroll past and I do; I know I could block them but I don't; they're family and I love them. I just wish they'd stop. I'm venting here because I'd never say it to them.

Am I just a mean curmudgeonly old harridan?

Oh bum, it will be (redacted) elf on the (redacted redacted) shelf any day now, won't it?

Perhaps I could hibernate?

YABU

I don’t understand why people complain about what others post on THEIR social media. People cope with suffering in different ways.
I’m afraid I’m one of those awful people who posts from hospital having spent about two months in total in with my son. It was a lonely, lonely and I’m afraid, boring time and I took some small comfort from friends comments on Facebook. Is that really so bad?
I hope no one I’m friends with on FB feels contempt for me - I would hope they would unfollow or unfriend

Heartily agree with pp about ‘lost my darling boy’ and it turns out to be a cat because I always have a heart attack thinking they’ve lost their son!

I unfollowed a Facebook friend because she kept posting pictures of peeled dogs and so on. She was heavily into anti animal cruelty campaigning, a noble cause, but I couldn't stomach the sight of the poorly animals every time I looked at my feed
Because I unfollowed her, I didn't find out she had died until about 6 months after. I felt awful as she was a lovely and highly regarded person.

I haven’t lost anyone near and close so I need comment on angel wings etc. Maybe they are struggling to cope?

Fb is so easy to ignore and scroll I have no idea why people get wound up

I often unfollow people for 30 days if their posts are pissing me off. I have a couple friends like this, the ones who continuously post about depressing shit, illness etc..
I also unfollow people who post pictures of their dinner 🤣

I literally have family on FB, and a few old friends. I find it's the only way I can handle it . I've had acquaintances add me who overshare every element of their life, to the extent that you can't look them in the eye when you see them in RL.

No thanks.

YABU her husband died! Give her a break.

I post and share memories sometimes, my best friend died a few months ago. There are a lot of pictures/ memories on Facebook as she used it a lot and he friends and family like to share stuff. It keeps her memory alive.

I think people on here are way too harsh and judgemental sometimes.

Now it's "How can I tell (late) DP how much more painfully I miss you... ...I do care that there's been a premature parental death

It's pretty obvious that her parent died, not her husband - or am I missing something?

YANBU about vaguebooking or sympathy fishing posts OP, but I find the best way to deal with this is to unfollow.

If unfollowing someone means you miss a key life event (pregnancy, marriage, bereavement, death), then you obviously weren't particularly close to that person, so is it really a big deal?

I've never found out crucial information about my close friends and family via Facebook - if you matter to someone they will tell you their important news themselves.

I voted YABU because you can choose to snooze or unfollow her but her reasons for posting and exposing her feelings about losing her parent belong to her and if she asks for constant attention, that’s entirely her choice. You don’t have to oblige, if you don’t want to.

I have a friend who posts daily pics of her husband in a nursing home looking pretty awful lying in a bed wearing pyjamas alongside comments on what he’s done that was amusing and/or embarrassing.
I feel some concern about his lack of consent and his loss of dignity being exposed in this way but I understand that my friend is really struggling to come to terms with her husband’s sudden onset dementia following a stroke.
Her daily posts chart her distress more clearly than any short phone call or visit ever can and I have no idea how to respond because a ‘like’ or sad face emoji seems far too trite.
Just because I’d never post pictures of my family on FB doesn’t mean that I despise others that do.

I have a friend who lost her husband young several years ago, and she posts about him on Facebook. But it's done in a ways that feels very honest and personal (e.g. talking about something she's done that day and mentioning that it brought back happy / sad memories as she visited that place with him). It's part of her life, so why wouldn't she mention it occasionally?

She doesn't share daily memes or quotes about bereavement, or spam Facebook with endless vague or dramatic statuses about how much she misses him. That is what people mean by attention seeking - it's not about trying to dictate how people grieve, but it's obvious when something is being done for the attention and it's totally reasonable to not want to engage with that.

I have no idea how to respond because a ‘like’ or sad face emoji seems far too trite.

Totally agree with this. The whole like/reaction thing really isn't suitable for raw, personal topics.

You ok hun?

OMG am I reading this right, a member of your family has lost their parent at a young age, he/she is using FB as an outlet or a way of asking for support because they are grieving and you're on here bashing him/her???

WTF is wrong with people?? Do we honestly have zero compassion for people anymore? Clearly they need support and FB seems the way they are asking for it, just because you disagree with this avenue doesn't make it wrong/right.

When I realised I'd unfollowed almost everyone on fb and only saw posts from a few groups I knew it was time to leave.The relief is amazing

This, along with selfies at graves, is the reason I deleted Facebook. I’m now nicer to the people I used to avoid due to the nonsense they posted.

Life is so much sweeter without social media. I hope it's dead before my two are old enough to feel pressured into using it.

@Holpop19 Haha, I have a friend who checked in to A&E. She's really clingy, and I wasn't messaging much because I was busy, but then another friend called saying omg have you seen X is in A&E? I text her asking if she was okay (my own fault, I should have left it) and she was saying there's a huge wait, she thinks she might be sectioned (this would probably be a good idea, to be honest!) etc. I don't know what made me check this, but I looked at her location on SnapChat, and she was at home. She'd just tagged in on the way home from work (if you even need to be near the place) and was pretending to be there. What!

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I think with bereavement it's so difficult, as people cope in different ways. BUT there is a lot of attention seeking of other kinds that go on. A friend of mine (who I only met two weeks back, but she seems really lovely) put on Facebook "I can't believe it. I'm completely and utterly broken." so I just sent her a quick message asking was she okay. She said don't worry, it's just between her and her mum. So I just think why the hell don't you talk to your mum privately then? Don't put shit online if you're then going to be all secretive anyway!

@Butteflyone1 I'm sympathetic to her situation but posting such private feelings and such a personal situation online just doesn't sit right with me.

Am I showing sympathy because I want to, or because this person has prompted me and now I feel forced to?

Will my response be sympathetic enough?
She knows I've been online so I now need to show sympathy or she might demand to know why I ignored her.
Will my reaction cause awkwardness the next time I see her?

Does "You ok hun" on facebook seriously soothe her pain? Do people who respond really care? Or are they posting so people "care back" on their own pity party status? Likes for likes. Comments for comments.

Before I came off FB, I knew someone whose parents were involved in a bad car crash. She was STRAIGHT on Facebook minutes after she found out, updates on the air ambulance etc. Her parents had no choice in this being posted, so their own FB's were full of "OMG" messages - so of course suddenly everyone knew. It honestly looked like she was loving the attention. She also had two car accidents involving her children.. straight on facebook with all the details and pictures of their crumpled cars. Post after post about it. One time her 2 year old in the back and it was a side on crash. Little one was in hospital and she was posting from her bedside. These statuses had 100 odd "likes" on them ?!? I think I came off FB shortly after that.

Wouldn't talking face to face to a close friend/family member in private help more? You know I'm sure that sympathy is a lot more geniune.

I would unfollow if it annoys you. I hate the checking into hospital and never updating crap. But people mourning I guess are looking for an outlet and I wouldn't criticise them never thankfully having walked in their shoes. If it helps them than they should crack on.

I have gone through and systematically unfollowed every single one of my Facebook friends.

I now just use it for messenging and the groups I am a member of.

It's lovely. I am no longer subject to any content whatsoever.

Unfollow them and you won’t see their posts.

People grieve in different ways. This must be the way she does. Feel fortunate that you haven't had to go through such a horrific exercise and just unfollow her. Poor woman.

Exercise = experience

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie Just fyi I have managed to still use messenger despite deleting FB ( of course that sadly means I can't access my groups)

LOL at all the posters looking down on people for living their lives on social media.

What do you think Mumsnet is if not a social media site? 🤨

I find fb posters like that annoying, but tbh I think it's probably more considerate to vent like this on Facebook where people can ignore your posts if they can't be bothered, as opposed to cornering someone in real life to vent, and trapping them in nodding and making sympathetic noises when they probably have much better things to do with their lives. Posting on Facebook causes no harm to anyone, you don't have to read their posts if you don't like it.

Thought we had a relative in common until I saw the location note! It’s very difficult, you’re not alone...