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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be exasperated with FB pity party?

101 replies

NearlyGranny · 02/10/2019 07:43

Youngish family member (by marriage routinely vague- books fury or anguish, triggering a slew of, "Are you OK, Hun? I'm here if you need me!" from friends. I never feel I can respond appropriately unless I know what the problem is.

Now it's "How can I tell (late) DP how much more painfully I miss you as Christmas approaches?" It's only October 2nd! At my count there's 83 days of this ahead. I do care that there's been a premature parental death, I really do, but is dignity really not a thing any more?

I know I can scroll past and I do; I know I could block them but I don't; they're family and I love them. I just wish they'd stop. I'm venting here because I'd never say it to them.

Am I just a mean curmudgeonly old harridan?

Oh bum, it will be (redacted) elf on the (redacted redacted) shelf any day now, won't it?

Perhaps I could hibernate?

OP posts:
SciFiScream · 02/10/2019 09:12

I post a picture of my Mum around her birthday and her death, she died in 1986. She was only 28, I was only 8. I do it to keep her memory alive. There's no grave, no place of memorial to visit. Nothing was set up for her children. There's a page in a book but it's only on the right page 1 day a year.
Every year someone from my past who remembers my Mum posts a memory. It means so much to me because I barely remember her.

I don't like vague-booking at all and hilariously I have a friend who vague-books all the time, share a memory that was a vague post...and she can't remember what it was about! GrinGrin

SciFiScream · 02/10/2019 09:13

I post a picture of my Mum around her birthday and her death, she died in 1986. She was only 28, I was only 8. I do it to keep her memory alive. There's no grave, no place of memorial to visit. Nothing was set up for her children. There's a page in a book but it's only on the right page 1 day a year.
Every year someone from my past who remembers my Mum posts a memory. It means so much to me because I barely remember her.

I don't like vague-booking at all and hilariously I have a friend who vague-books all the time, share a memory that was a vague post...and she can't remember what it was about! GrinGrin

I'm very tolerant of memorial posts though. It can be important and it might be all they have.

Girasole02 · 02/10/2019 09:16

Feel the same. Have a distant relative who posts daily fibromyalgia updates and gets the usual responses as mentioned above. I've had two close family bereavements (one the sudden death of my dad) and another is imminent. I rarely post about this on FB even on days when I struggle. Do people perceive that I struggle less because I don't do constant updates? I'm just not a huge believer in sharing but, because I don't, the assumption is that I'm ok so people don't ask.

ChasingRainbows19 · 02/10/2019 09:17

With all the settings on facebook you can unfollow but still say friends. If it's certain times of year annoy you select snooze for 30 days. Sometimes people are offended by unfriending so it's an easier less hassle option and they are unaware.

At the end of the day it's a persons choice on what to post and ho the use social media, but you can now choose what you see. I'm not a massive sharer on Facebook, If someone annoys me I use the settings!

Houseworkavoider · 02/10/2019 09:19

I know what you mean and the vague book posts are irritating!
On the other hand I worry that it could be a persons way of asking for help. Maybe I’m a bit sensitive because we’ve had a spate of suicides locally-mostly young men.

Medianoche · 02/10/2019 09:21

It’s fine to unfollow people who post stuff you don’t want to read. Just please don’t then post one of those chain messages about mental health and how you’re always there to listen if someone is struggling.

anyoneseenmykeys · 02/10/2019 09:22

I normally think that if you don't like it, you scroll past, hide or unfollow.

But anyone starting to go on about blooming Christmas in September/ October is a twat. Get a life, you are wasting at least 2 months of your life, wait until December FFS!

Babdoc · 02/10/2019 09:23

If someone is overwhelmed with grief, isolated and struggling to cope, a few kind messages of support on FB may be life saving.
Calling that a “pity party” says more about you than them.

firstimemamma · 02/10/2019 09:23

Just delete face book! I got rid of mine years ago and don't miss it one bit! I keep in touch by text instead.

Longlongsummer · 02/10/2019 09:25

@SciFiScream posting a picture of your mum sounds really nice.

anyoneseenmykeys · 02/10/2019 09:28

Calling that a “pity party” says more about you than them.

it's pretty obvious when someone is vaguebooking and attention seeking!

Interestedwoman · 02/10/2019 09:28

I think expressing grief on FB isn't annoying compared to vaguebooking, but if the person's routinely full of emotional outpourings of any kind on there, it can be wearing. They would irritate me. I'd put them on Hide.

nopenotplaying · 02/10/2019 09:28

I'm frustrated by a similar thing with a family member. Posts such as I hate this month because it reminds me of x or 150 days since x happened.

I tell myself people grieve in different ways. I don't tend to focus on numbers of days or events but it creeps up on me. One day something will happen and I'll want to share that moment and can't.

As people have said here you could hide the posts. But I actually can't bring myself to do that personally as it feels wrong to ignore the grief.

JacquesHammer · 02/10/2019 09:29

So many people think others should post what they want to read.

Your social media timeline is yours, completely for you to decide what to or what not to post. That is why there are various tools to make what you see on your timeline work for you.

QuimJongUn · 02/10/2019 09:30

People cope with grief in whichever way they need to.

Re posting about depression - I actually commend people for doing this. It lessens the stigma around MH issues and I think it's quite brave. If it bothers you I'd ask why it makes you feel uncomfortable - it's just an illness, like any other. Would it bother you so much if someone posted about their arthritis, or cancer?

And if it really bothers you, and that's your first thought rather than 'how can I support my friend/family member', just unfollow them.

YABU.

namechangedforthis1980 · 02/10/2019 09:31

I have a few people hidden, and it's done a world of good for my mental health

Pitterpatterpettysteps · 02/10/2019 09:32

A friend of DH's lost his wife 5 month ago, he has 3 small dc. He's been posting lots of things about his grief on FB, and attracting massive amounts of sympathy. All fine, except he started seeing a new woman a few weeks ago and DH says he really seems happier than ever.

The disconnect between the public persona and private reality feels awkward sometimes.

dayslikethese1 · 02/10/2019 09:33

I don't mind the tributes to dead ppl as much as the vague statuses that ate obv directed at someone in particular that make no sense. Unfollow.

Theendofmyrope · 02/10/2019 09:34

YABU and a bit mean. Have a bit of compassion. Or hide her posts.

chipsandgin · 02/10/2019 09:37

I unfollow (but don’t unfriend) ‘friends’ who feel the need to take pictures of their breakfast or post ‘meaningful’ quotes or attention seeking vague nonsense - that way I get to see updates and invites from the non oversharers and keep in touch and up to date with friends around the world without having to scroll through boring/rage inducing shit! I’d have a little cull OP!

Clawdy · 02/10/2019 09:44

Someone posted yesterday on Facebook about the second anniversary of "losing our precious little boy" with a pic of a framed photo surrounded by flowers, and lots of heartfelt messages of support underneath. I realised when I looked more closely, that the picture was of her cat. Now that did annoy me.

Sweetpotatoaddict · 02/10/2019 09:48

Yabu, i agreed with you till I saw you say it was about her late parent
I’m sorry op in this instance she is using it to reach out to people because she struggling, and understandably.

Vanhi · 02/10/2019 09:53

Lots of dog, cat pictures. Kids I understand.

I post animal photos as I find them unoffensive and less likely to cause a massive row than anything political! Each to their own. I keep photos of children off FB because they may not fully realise the impact and frankly I don't want people seeing multiple photos of me when I was 10, so why would children now want this?

"losing our precious little boy"

I unfollowed the turmeric user group because someone posted "so sad, we lost our baby this morning". I was really alarmed that someone's young child had died. Turned out it was their 15 year old labrador. I mean it's sad, but it's not like your actual baby actually dying, is it?

incognito76 · 02/10/2019 09:55

I can't actually begin to fathom being angry with someone for expressing their grief at the death of a partner or parent. Yes, some Facebook posts aren't my thing and I wouldn't post a status like that. But I couldn't get cross with someone for expressing their sadness over a death.

Yes, it's a long way to Christmas, but there's already Christmas shit in the shops and I had to book my Christmas leave at work in August, so it will be in a lot of people's minds and Christmas can be fucking hard if you really miss someone.

Some people find it easier to express their feelings on social media than they do face to face. It's their Facebook and they can post whatever they like. If you don't like it, you can unfollow them without unfriending.

I do care that there's been a premature parental death, I really do

Do you, really? Because you really aren't doing a great job of giving any impression that you give a flying fuck. You certainly don't seem to care as much about that as you do about someone posting a Facebook status that you find mildly irksome.

verticality · 02/10/2019 09:56

Give yourself the gift of snoozing them for 30 days. If you feel better for it, put them on permanent silent.

I know someone who never, ever posts anything that can be understood on its own. They're a vague acquaintance, but the fishing for further attention/requests has now annoyed me so much that this morning I snoozed them.