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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be exasperated with FB pity party?

101 replies

NearlyGranny · 02/10/2019 07:43

Youngish family member (by marriage routinely vague- books fury or anguish, triggering a slew of, "Are you OK, Hun? I'm here if you need me!" from friends. I never feel I can respond appropriately unless I know what the problem is.

Now it's "How can I tell (late) DP how much more painfully I miss you as Christmas approaches?" It's only October 2nd! At my count there's 83 days of this ahead. I do care that there's been a premature parental death, I really do, but is dignity really not a thing any more?

I know I can scroll past and I do; I know I could block them but I don't; they're family and I love them. I just wish they'd stop. I'm venting here because I'd never say it to them.

Am I just a mean curmudgeonly old harridan?

Oh bum, it will be (redacted) elf on the (redacted redacted) shelf any day now, won't it?

Perhaps I could hibernate?

OP posts:
geekone · 02/10/2019 08:25

I think it’s a parent not partner that is gone.

OP possibly we have the same FBF!

AwdBovril · 02/10/2019 08:28

Being young, they have probably grown up with the habit of documenting their entire life on FB etc. It's normal to them. You need to accept that that is just them, & either ignore or unfollow them, at least for a while.

FWIW, I agree with you. Can't stand people emoting all over SM. Crass & attention seeking, IMHO, like people are trying to attain a perverted sort of minor celebrity status. Talking to people in RL is much better.

Pistols69 · 02/10/2019 08:29

I hate these posts and any that leave people wondering what is up. Always posted by women too.

BookWitch · 02/10/2019 08:42

I have an aunt (now 70!) who does all of this- checks in every time she has a coffee with a friend, vague-books from hospital even when she is visiting someone, and she did lose her husband (my mum's brother) quite suddenly five years ago. She thrives on the public grieving, posts every birthday/wedding anniversary/first date anniversary/death anniversary, posts very religious quotes and cutesy soft focus pictures. She is so self absorbed it's like an illness. She had a go at my mum at my dad's funeral because my dad had the audacity to pass away on her wedding anniversary and now that day was ruined for her.
I have her on hide.

peakygal · 02/10/2019 08:45

@paperthin thank you. I don't post continuously though as that would be too much. I used to judge in the exact same way until suddenly I was in them shoes.. People in RL tip-toed around even saying his name but I wanted to talk about it. Its almost 4 years now and I still constantly want to talk about it and him because I'm so afraid people will just forget him. I still have people who won't talk with me in fear of upsetting me but the odd post on FB helps me get it out

GoldenFlaps · 02/10/2019 08:47

YANBU, OP, I hear you. Also people who do not utter a word when you hand them their birthday present then post a thank you on FB to 'everybody for all their birthday wishes'. Rude. But perhaps I'm the needy one expecting manners in this day and age. Tut.

Witchinaditch · 02/10/2019 08:48

Maybe they don’t know how to deal with the loss of a parent. Especially at a young age, it sounds like they need support not judgement.

LiterallyCantBelieveIt · 02/10/2019 08:48

I ditched FB about five years ago and haven't looked back. My DP's family are currently embroiled in an FB drama over nothing and it has reinforced my view that social media is terrible for social relationships.

StCharlotte · 02/10/2019 08:49

Unfollow the attention seeking wanker

All very well until you miss their engagement announcement Blush

Newmumma83 · 02/10/2019 08:50

People are allowed to grieve and to grieve individually or be upset

What upsets one person isn’t going to upset another

Pretty sure aspects of what upsets you I would find Hilarious but the point is it’s not funny to you. So have empathy or move on ... simples

JacquesHammer · 02/10/2019 08:50

Talking to people in RL is much better

Isn’t it just if you actually have people to chat to in real life. Many people don’t.

SistersOfMerci · 02/10/2019 08:53

I know this might be very obvious but, you can just scroll by and not read the stuff that is going to drive you nuts...

BrokenWing · 02/10/2019 08:53

FB is a persons journey.

Not really, it is for social interaction, preferably lighthearted, occasionally to share sad news to a wider audience, not a constant journal of every inane thought. A private diary, or a blog is more suited to "a persons journey". Anyone oversharing like this would be quickly unfollowed.

I have unfollowed several friends including my (Brexit leave) brother due to several political posts daily. If he mentions on the phone something he's posted I just say I haven't seen it as I unfollowed him because he posts too much crap!

Original poster
NearlyGranny · 02/10/2019 08:59

Yes, parent, not partner. Not that that makes it easy. Sorry, me being vague there!

Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions! I will investigate snoozing them. I hesitated to block because I love the pics they post of their DC who I don't often get to see (tyranny of distance, they're in another hemisphere) but I usually their spouse posts the pics too, so...

And if it helps the grieving to post about their late parent, I shouldn't quibble or criticise just because it's not the same way I coped.

Chastened.

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 02/10/2019 09:01

This is a difficult one. I’ve found that there are generally two types of people who do this. The first are genuinely isolated and don’t get much support irl, so they generally don’t get much response on fb either, or if they do it’s from people far away or who have become online friends. The other are like my sister, who writes cryptic messages about how upset she is. All her rl friends will then respond with, ‘you alright hun? Ring me if you want a chat/do you want to meet up to chat?’

The first type are understandable if someone has no irl outlet, but the second are just annoying, undignified and attention seeking imo.

Mrsjayy · 02/10/2019 09:03

I understand how irritating it is for you it astounds me sometimes what people type out loud but just unfollow her let her get on with it.

Damntheman · 02/10/2019 09:04

Always posted by women too. Whoa there with the internalised misogyny. It is SO not always women doing this, men do it too in equal measure.

TheNavigator · 02/10/2019 09:06

Top tip OP - you can make them an 'acquantance' without them knowing - not as drastic as unfriending and mutes them out a bit.

I find those that most emote the loudest are the most shallow. I cannot publically attention troll for my deepest grief because it still hurts so much - I can hardly bear to go there in private, let alone spraff it over facebook.

My son died at year old, much worse than losing parent, however beloved, I know for a damn hard fact sadly. I keep his name alive for his siblings without public displays to people that are just casual friends on Facebook. Anyone trying to 'outgrief' me can fuck right off.

JeffreyJefferson · 02/10/2019 09:07

Really??? I was expecting this thread to be about hospital check ins and the like of. Don’t be so nasty her husband is dead. Unfollow or unfriend if you feel so strongly about it. People grieve in different ways.

everyonecaneffoff · 02/10/2019 09:08

I'd snooze them if it's annoying you.

And if it helps the grieving to post about their late parent, I shouldn't quibble or criticise just because it's not the same way I coped.

Yes, this is correct. When my Mam was dying of cancer, our wonderful Macmillan nurse talked to us a lot about grief and how to cope. She said that everyone grieves in their own way and that no-one has the right to tell you how you should process that grief and how long it should take.
I wondered at the time why she said "no-one has the right..." until Mam died and now Dad too and in both cases I had people telling me I should be over it by now (3 months after my Mam died!!). And people saying you must do this, you must do that etc.

Your family member is grieving in their own way and if facebooking helps then they should do this. FWIW, my Dad died this year and I have never been a big Christmas person but I can feel Christmas coming and feel distressed about not being able to buy him presents. It sounds trivial, but it isn't.

I think this young person's grief on facebook is slightly different to the attention seeking "At X hospital - feeling worried" type posts which trigger the "R U OK hun?" replies.

JeffreyJefferson · 02/10/2019 09:09

Oh, a parent. Same thing stands though imo

Longlongsummer · 02/10/2019 09:10

Unfollow.

I’ve unfollowed half my friends for:

  • Political rants
  • Vague ‘after a tough month... ‘ what? Tell me personally or get off my feed!
  • Too many selfies of themselves because they love themselves
  • Offensive content
  • Woe is me posts like yours OP - one or two, okay allowed, but more...
  • Lots of dog, cat pictures. Kids I understand.
  • exes or people connected too much with them

So that’s several family members already! Seriously I’ve ended up with the lovely people, who I like seeing their feeds, and coincidentally are the people I like most in RL.

See it as a spring clean of people! Do it in real life too!

Whatisthisfuckery · 02/10/2019 09:11

No, not always posted by women. I have a few men on my fb who do this, probably as many men as women tbh.

Fatshedra · 02/10/2019 09:12

CANt you rattle off a 'thinking of you xx' and move on . I am not on fb ((that's another option) but my DD is v quick to respond with a short empathising phrase to anyone and everyone. On whatever social media they've posted on. She is too busy to give all the angst much thought but is v organised this way.

Mrsjayy · 02/10/2019 09:12

I have a family member who I snooze for 30 days my Dc tell me if there is anything i should know about .