To not want birth control?

[DamonSalvatoresDinner]

I made the decision over two years ago that after 20+ years (less 4 pregnancies) of taking birth control in various ways, I was quitting and sacking off suffering the side effects and it was now DH's turn.

He's got two choices, condoms or a quick snippity snip. Sadly he doesn't want to do either and as I don't want an sexless marriage, he's been using the "method" of withdrawal. He says no more kids and I'd be fine with another so BC is on him now.

So I received a call from the doctors yesterday. Receptionist was asking if I could come in for an appointment tomorrow as I'm on long term oxtetracycline (an antibiotic that is only not recommended in the second half of a pregnancy, long after I would be aware of pregnancy) and I'm not on birth control myself. Apparently the doc wants me on some. Surely as a woman nearing 40, not taking BC or having something inserted inside me is a perfectly acceptable choice?

I'm thinking I might take hubby along so he can discuss HIS birth control options and leave me out of all that.

What a pussy not wanting to get one but happy for you to be sterilised.

This ^^ x a million.

How pathetic. How can you be intimate with him, let alone respect him?

I am totally with you OP. I have never had a good experience with BC. Tried several types of pill and had different burn equally horrible side effects from all. Implant made my hair fall out and had a 3 month period. There’s no way I’d consider the coil as I’m by far too squeamish and my friends mum had complications caused by her body reacting badly to hers and got very, very unwell. I think it’s disgustingly how birth control is pushed on women and never on men.

I think it’s disgustingly how birth control is pushed on women and never on men.
I agree.
That still doesn't change the fact that the withdrawal "method" isn't contraception so a couple are choosing to have unprotected sex whilst claiming they don't really want a baby but wouldn't be too fussed (presumably because the baby would be worth it for continuing to have sex).

No the OP can't force him to have the snip any more than he can force her to be on hormonal birth control, both have bodily autonomy. It's just a little odd hearing adults decide that they may not want a baby but it's fine if it happens because they want sex.

Well so long as you are happy being a doormat to your bloke then what do you want us or the doctor to do about it?

The snip is obviously up to him but condoms should be non-negotiable.

What does he say when you explain this to him?

Tetracyclines cause birth defects in the first trimester. Not sure where you’ve got the information about only causing issues four months plus. In our area they will not prescribe tetracyclines without contraception in place.

This issue actually has nothing to do with your husband, the consultant wants to guarantee there is absolutely no chance of you giving birth to a child with severe defects due to medication.

If you feel that strongly about hormonal birth control, stop taking your tetracyclines.

Your GP can't force you to take hormonal contraceptives but he can refuse to prescribe the antibiotic given that you are having unprotected sex. Presumably that would be an issue for you?

Yanbu OP, it's your business. But the dr is just doing their job, you are putting them in an awkward situation by telling them everything. How would they even know you are sexually active?

A lot of doctors treat every patient by imagining themselves on the stand in court. Yours is probably imagining themselves in the dock, a judge and a deformed child and their family glaring at them. "But your honour, she said her husband usually pulled out..."

Just take the responsibility on yourself and tell the dr "no, there is no chance of a pregnancy, so I don't need a medication review at this time". Then they have done their job and they will leave you alone.

The above poster is right, tetracyclines cause birth defects in the first trimester, that's why they want you on birth control. They have to have that conversation, you can absolutely refuse to have hormonal contraception but the doctor might refuse to prescribe.

For what it's worth OP, I'm absolutely sure the pill contributed to my depression, and flat out refuse to take hormonal contraception now. We have one son, but want no more, I told DP he's in charge of contraception so we use condoms. Every single time.

Why won’t he wear a condom?

Neither of you is being sensible IMO.

Surely it's still a problem if the medicine causes defects from the second trimester, because if you get pregnant you'll still need to be taking it?

I see your point about not wanting to be on contraception based on your history, but you can't continue then to have unprotected sex. It's cruel IMO to not attempt to prevent a pregnancy when you know you're on medicine that could cause a fetus to have problems. Between the two of you act like adults and sort this out. If that means no PIV sex for awhile then so be it.

As far as I'm aware, doctors are supposed to treat one patient at a time. The doctor can only give advice based on what information the OP provides, and that is to use real birth control given her diagnosis and her reported use of withdrawal.

I'd personally rather have a sexless marriage than have sex with someone who refused to grow up and put a condom on, or even more gross, expected me to have surgery but not himself.

But then my fanny slams shut at the first instance of a man being a dickhead.

You both need to look around and consider the fact you are adults with 4 children and both being stubborn to the point you'd a) risk a pregnancy and b) risk a pregnancy that could have birth defects because you don't want a doctor telling you what to do 🤔

Sounds like a right pairing!

but never has birth control been required to be allowed a medication.

A girl or woman taking rocaccutane must go on the pill whilst taking it as it causes birth defects. It's a condition of being prescribed the medication.
So it does happen because an unplanned pregnancy and having a child with birth defects is really not something to take lightly.

'If DH wasn't so easy going about sex and was the type to be effected by a ban then I would consider it in order to push him getting the snip (call it coercion if you like)'

Jesus christ, what an appalling attitude.

You sound as bad as each other to me.

Get sterilised and I dont mean of the milk variety. I did and it was the best thing I ever did. Its done by keyhole surgery so no scars.

I will no longer subject my body to hormonal birth control. I also don't want anything inserted into me by a doctor

No need to answer this if it's too personal but I have no idea if you have an actual physical/psychological problem with this or if you are just being stubborn and trying to make a point to your dh?

You're open to another baby OP but are you open to one disabled by medication you've taken? Or a tfmr? YANBU not to want to be the one using contraception but you're a fool to risk this by agreeing to sex w no contraception.

have no idea if you have an actual physical/psychological problem with this or if you are just being stubborn and trying to make a point to your dh?

What the actual...?

It's the pathetic 'D'H who's being stubborn.

Why not ask for an alternative antibiotic, at least while you decide what the longer term solution to the contraceptive disagreement is. PPs scare ingesting about tetracycline isn't helpful - there are no studies in humans proving foetal harm (other than the possible damage to teeth at certain dosage in the later half of pregnancy) the supposition comes from studies in other animals. That said, if another antibiotic can be used it seems sensible to remove all possible risk imo.

*mongering not ingesting - autocorrect gone bonkers!

The withdrawal method doesn't work surely no one over teenage years actually believes it does
If you don't want any more children the only way to prevent it is contraception.My mum's friend fell pregnant at 47.

I think it’s disgustingly how birth control is pushed on women and never on men.

I agree. I also think it was disgusting that the only proper trial of a male contraceptive pill was stopped DC due to apparently unacceptable side effects that were so mild that women never even report these effects when on hormonal BC.

YANBU to not want to use hormonal contraception anymore. YABU to be annoyed at a doctor for doing his job.

You might be fine with another baby but if there's a risk that you could have a baby with birth defects, is that okay with you? Or maybe you'll have one accidental baby due to the "pull out method", and then another baby, and another. How many surprise babies would be fine?

Your DH is being utterly childish to not wear a condom. I'm 27 and have stopped using hormonal contraception too, DH wears a condom because he's not a stroppy teenager.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

You've covered all the bases as far as I can see.

You don't want to take or insert BC- totally your choice. It's also the best choice should you fall pregnant.

BC is then whittled down to withdrawal, condoms or snip, all of which are down to DH. He chooses the method most likely to result in pregnancy. Doesn't want to use condoms or have snip, both of which he's entitled to refuse.

You both accept that the method chosen may result in pregnancy and for you, that's fine.

So. It boils down to your DH asking himself if he's prepared to father another child. If HE is absolutely NOT prepared to do that then it rests on his shoulders to take preventative action.

I hate to break it to you but after the Menopause you may find that you need a coil fitting and hormonal therapy.

You still don't need a coil if you do not want one or if you had one in the past and it didn't work for you.

They will push and push and push for you to get it, though.