Pushy friend trying to put our girls to the same nursery

[Csmxx]

Me and an old school friend reconnected around 10 months ago. We have daughters who are about 10 weeks apart in age. They are very different little girls. Mine is very bubbly, excitable and always wanting to play. Very confident, independent and most importantly the most friendly little girl. My friends daughter is very quiet, withdrawn, cries and always needs to be held by her mum. She doesnt like anyone but her mum and cries if left without her mum for any length of time.

Me and my wife have decided to put our little girl to nursery at age 2. She LOVES children, she loves playing, you can take her to soft play and she will run away and play with other kids that she doesnt know. Shes absolutely going to love nursery.

My friends daughter, it's not my place to judge but she doesnt seem ready yet. But my friend decided because our little one is going to nursery shell do the same. I think it's her attempt to give her daughter more confidence which I think is a lovely idea in theory. However I'm now stressing.

My daughter and hers do not get on. Mine will run up and give her a cuddle and say hiya. Friends little one screams in terror and jumps into her mums arms and cries until we move our daughter out of sight. They cant play nice together. I know they are little but her daughter screams in my daughters face, shes so timid and my daughter gets upset and tries to kiss her better. Unfortunately my friend gives her in trouble for it saying her daughter needs space and mines doesnt give her space.

Shes now asking me where I'm putting my daughter to nursery so she can apply there too and have the girls go together. But I honestly think that's a bad idea. My daughter gets very upset around her daughter because she wont engage with her. So my daughter has been seen hitting when the little girl wont stop screaming at her.

I'm so excited for my baby to go off and start nursery. I know she will love it. But I have this dread hanging over me. I can see it now. Constant phone calls about my daughter not playing with hers etc. I dont want to put pressure on our daughter to have to play with my friends daughter when that's not what her going to nursery is for. I cant bare the thought of the text messages if her daughter doesnt settle in and mine doesnt play with her. She doesnt even live near our nursery, and said she will get her dad to take her kid to nursery and back, but I honestly dont see this going well. I feel like this will end in a fall out. I know my daughter is uncomfortable around hers, and it's to the point I avoid play dates because her daughter just doesnt want to be around other kids and just screams and cries.

I feel bad but I'm not going to force my daughter to be friendly with a child who makes her upset. I have tried to have play dates, bbq, soft play and my friends daughter just doesnt want to be there. Again not judging but having a brother with autism I see a lot of my brother in the little girl. I know my friend is worrying her daughter will struggle to make friends but I cant make my daughter responsible for her making friends. We've tried and they dont get on. She gets mad if my daughter goes near hers because it makes her daughter cry (bare in mind my daughter is very friendly and will try to pass her toys and her daughter just throws them at her).

I hope her daughter has a pleasant nursery experience, I really do. But my priority is my own little girl and I'm not going to ask he not to apply at our nursery but I'm not going to be making my daughter walk in with the little girl because its going to stress my little one out. And i will get fed up if I'm bombarded with messages asking why my daughter isn't playing with hers.

Okay rambled long enough- am I stressing over nothing?!

I think you need to be prepared for your DD to not be half as confident at nursery as you’re bragging about here!
Yes, she may well be the boldest of 1.5 year olds(ffs) that YOU have ever encountered and “plays” with all the strangers at parties/soft play etc....but her precious mummy & daddy are there. You won’t be at nursery!

Hang on, are they only 2?! 2 year olds do not play together. They will be in a room full of children. You literally have nothing to worry about. Your friends daughter sounds like she will be totally overwhelmed when faced with 25 other small children. That's up to your friend but your child will have no reason to be remotely involved!

Also how will your friend kick off? At 2 her daughter will be far too young to talk about her day at nursery and your friend won't be there watching her play. She will have no idea of what is going on.

You are overthinking this. At nursery everyone picks up and drops off at different times. I only vaguely recognise one or two of the other parents and generally people are on their way to work so are in a rush and don’t have time to chat.

Generally I get an update everyday from DDs key worker along the lines of - DD had a great day, she ate all her food, and played with the water tray, stickle bricks and enjoyed the music. Nothing about who she played with.

A good nursery will iron out any issues and encourage the shy girl to play with others.

If they do end in the same place stress to the nursery that they need to be in separate groups. If it’s big enough of course.

After reading the other thread, I find it odd that in 3 weeks you have lost your empathy for the little girl. You've made her sound like a freak of nature for not being outgoing and bubbly like your perfect daughter, even citing autism as a possible reason, yet nothing to do with the apparent neglect, dirty nappies, cat shit on the carpet, lack of a sleep routine or processed food as to why she may be lacking in confidence ?

There’s no need to be so mean about the other child, or so smug about yours. My eldest child was just like yours, he cried every morning for three months at nursery drop off after starting aged three. My younger child was more like your friend’schild and also cried every day at drop off for months. You are making a lot of unfounded assumptions here.

Honestly, don't worry. You are free to put your child wherever you like for nursery, as is your friend.

If your friend has any issues with their child's social interaction at the nursery then they need to discuss that with the nursery, not you. If they bring it up with you, and I doubt they will, then remind them of this.

And relax! These are toddlers you are talking about. Their personalities are still very fluid.

My DD was shy and sensitive at that age but she loves nursery, has got on great and now at 3.5 has a brilliant group of friends. She also has a bossy and domineering cousin who she really did not like at that age as she was always getting in her face. They like eachother now though. You're worrying far too much about this, they are babies.

Wow, just wow.
Way over thinking this.

Don't be THAT parent.

Okay, I'm going to ignore all the weird other stuff going on and just address the main question:

"friend, it seems obvious to me that your daughter doesn't like mine at the moment. Wouldn't it be better to give them some developmental time apart for a while?"