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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Pushy friend trying to put our girls to the same nursery

62 replies

Csmxx · 01/10/2019 17:00

Me and an old school friend reconnected around 10 months ago. We have daughters who are about 10 weeks apart in age. They are very different little girls. Mine is very bubbly, excitable and always wanting to play. Very confident, independent and most importantly the most friendly little girl. My friends daughter is very quiet, withdrawn, cries and always needs to be held by her mum. She doesnt like anyone but her mum and cries if left without her mum for any length of time.

Me and my wife have decided to put our little girl to nursery at age 2. She LOVES children, she loves playing, you can take her to soft play and she will run away and play with other kids that she doesnt know. Shes absolutely going to love nursery.

My friends daughter, it's not my place to judge but she doesnt seem ready yet. But my friend decided because our little one is going to nursery shell do the same. I think it's her attempt to give her daughter more confidence which I think is a lovely idea in theory. However I'm now stressing.

My daughter and hers do not get on. Mine will run up and give her a cuddle and say hiya. Friends little one screams in terror and jumps into her mums arms and cries until we move our daughter out of sight. They cant play nice together. I know they are little but her daughter screams in my daughters face, shes so timid and my daughter gets upset and tries to kiss her better. Unfortunately my friend gives her in trouble for it saying her daughter needs space and mines doesnt give her space.

Shes now asking me where I'm putting my daughter to nursery so she can apply there too and have the girls go together. But I honestly think that's a bad idea. My daughter gets very upset around her daughter because she wont engage with her. So my daughter has been seen hitting when the little girl wont stop screaming at her.

I'm so excited for my baby to go off and start nursery. I know she will love it. But I have this dread hanging over me. I can see it now. Constant phone calls about my daughter not playing with hers etc. I dont want to put pressure on our daughter to have to play with my friends daughter when that's not what her going to nursery is for. I cant bare the thought of the text messages if her daughter doesnt settle in and mine doesnt play with her. She doesnt even live near our nursery, and said she will get her dad to take her kid to nursery and back, but I honestly dont see this going well. I feel like this will end in a fall out. I know my daughter is uncomfortable around hers, and it's to the point I avoid play dates because her daughter just doesnt want to be around other kids and just screams and cries.

I feel bad but I'm not going to force my daughter to be friendly with a child who makes her upset. I have tried to have play dates, bbq, soft play and my friends daughter just doesnt want to be there. Again not judging but having a brother with autism I see a lot of my brother in the little girl. I know my friend is worrying her daughter will struggle to make friends but I cant make my daughter responsible for her making friends. We've tried and they dont get on. She gets mad if my daughter goes near hers because it makes her daughter cry (bare in mind my daughter is very friendly and will try to pass her toys and her daughter just throws them at her).

I hope her daughter has a pleasant nursery experience, I really do. But my priority is my own little girl and I'm not going to ask he not to apply at our nursery but I'm not going to be making my daughter walk in with the little girl because its going to stress my little one out. And i will get fed up if I'm bombarded with messages asking why my daughter isn't playing with hers.

Okay rambled long enough- am I stressing over nothing?!

OP posts:

BeanBag7 · 01/10/2019 17:45

The Mum wouldn't even know whether the two played together at nursery, they're far too young to give an accurate account of what they did that day. So she's hardly going to come home and say "xxx made my cry by offering me a toy when I was screaming" or "xxx wouldn't play with me today". So how would any of you even know?

Passthecherrycoke · 01/10/2019 17:46

OP this is honestly a nothing concern. They don’t just get flung out at nursery to play wildly. They are supervised and structured and your friend won’t have a clue who has and hasn’t played with them. Have you had a child in nursery before?

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 01/10/2019 17:46

You don't sound like you like your friend's daughter much tbh, and you are judging her. Yes it would be lovely if your 2 kids got on, but they are only 2, not old enough to form relationships yet and not old enough to have a fully formed personality yet. I don't see how the girl wont be ready fir nursery, surely she'll learn to socialise more there? However, I really don't think you have to worry about it, they'll both be fine at nursery.

MadameButterface · 01/10/2019 17:47

Wow that’s amazing that she’s managed to completely turn her life round in less than a month, seeing as you stated she’d been living in squalor since before her dd was born, it must have been quite a message to have got through to her :)

MadameButterface · 01/10/2019 17:49

just linking op’s other thread about this child as it will probably help people to give the correct advice knowing what a chaotic upbringing she’s had until about 3 weeks ago

Yabbers · 01/10/2019 17:51

How difficult is it to just say you haven't chosen one since you are absolutely convinced her going will be so terrible? Or to say you'd rather they didn't go together. Or to just not socialise with her at all.

You have decided that what happens in every other person's experience of their children in nursery is not relevant to you so all that's left is for you to grow a backbone and tell her how you feel about it.

bobstersmum · 01/10/2019 17:54

Sorry but I don't believe the other thread, so I'm out!

PrettyPurse · 01/10/2019 17:54

@MadameButterface - gosh...yes...an amazing transformation!

maternityleave234 · 01/10/2019 17:54

Given your previous concerns I’d be pleased she is considering nursery for her DD as it means if there are any signs of neglect stemming from the home then nursery can pick up on these.
In terms of your DD and hers being friends I wouldn’t worry about it, there are so many other kids at nursery. Friendships aren’t formed until they are a lot older so she won’t be able to “kick off”. Her DD might gain a new lease of life and confidence and to be honest most kids aged 1.5 are a lot diff six months later!

GaudyNight · 01/10/2019 17:56

Shes broken up with the boyfriend, and I'm not joking shes kept on top of her housework, no more bb guns and is getting into a routine with her daughter! Which is so great and I'm so happy for her, I really am

What on earth does this have to do with your daughters?

OP, what do you want people to say? You seem terribly insistent that your daughter is an amazing, sociable, confident, friendly child, whereas you clearly feel your 'friend's' daughter is timid, hysterical and with possible autistic traits, and you're worried she's going to wreck your daughter's perfect nursery experience -- you get that you don't get to handpick the other children at the nursery, don't you?

First of all, this isn't about two toddlers, this is about you and your 'friend' whom you don't seem to like much. I doubt the children will take the slightest notice of one another in a nursery setting, but you seem terribly oppressed by the idea of text messages from the other child's mother.

betternamepending · 01/10/2019 17:56

I'm not sure about the girls but tbh it sounds like you and your friend don't get along that well either....

MadameButterface · 01/10/2019 18:00

@PrettyPurse isn’t it? It’s a bit odd that op didn’t give the back story really as considering how this child was living literally 3 weeks ago when that other thread was posted, you’d think it perhaps relevant to the vast differences in the two toddlers amirite

Sowingbees · 01/10/2019 18:01

I'm doing a rubbish job of rtft tonight but I completely understand and agree.
Grown ups would say to the persons face I don't think this is going to work
Cowards would enroll in a nursery and not say or outright lie, sadly I'm in the not saying category I wish I could grow some.
It took me a while but my biggest tip is to not tell her anything again about your plans for DD.

Rachelover60 · 01/10/2019 18:03

Don't stress about it, op. There will be many other children at the nursery. If your friend's little girl doesn't take to it, she can be withdrawn, she's so young it won't matter.

I hope yours enjoys it.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 01/10/2019 18:08

Maybe your daughter is too much for the other little girl. Maybe in nursery she'll find another little child who is quiet and timid (although I don't know how in the sand sentence you can describe a child as "timid" yet screaming in another child's face to the point where the other child lashes out).

The girls are babies. They are 2. They don't even know each other really. They are different personalities, but it doesn't make one right or one wrong. Just different.

You are friends. Your children don't have to be. But you shouldn't try to keep her child out of the nursery you are going to send your child to. Each child will find their place. They're infants right now.

Perisoire · 01/10/2019 18:09

I just dont want to be blamed if our kids dont get on, because shes already gotten mad if my daughter so much as looks at her daughter

Why are you letting this ‘friend’ near your dd if she gets mad when your dd so much as looks at her dd?

Would you let a man treat your dd this way? So why are you letting friend get away with it?

You say your dd will thrive but she’s not going to thrive if you let people get mad at her and don’t stand up for her. Ditch the friend.

bowchicawowwow · 01/10/2019 18:09

It sounds like you really don't like your friends little girl or her mother very much. It also sounds like you are one of those parents with 'the child that can do no wrong'

Original poster

Csmxx · 01/10/2019 18:13

@bowchicawowwow my child is absolutely a naughty girl. I've just found my missing bus pass stashed, today shes pulled the playstation cables out, tried to pull all the washing down and had about 5 tantrums over nothing. Now my wife on the other hand, sees no wrong with our girl 😂 very unsure of friend right now, I actually posted about her and her partner recently which has left me uneasy with her. However I do not have any opinion on the little girl, she just doesnt get on with my little one

OP posts:

Passthecherrycoke · 01/10/2019 18:14

There is going to be loads of children at nursery your child won’t get on with

AloeVeraLynn · 01/10/2019 18:27

This will seem really irrelevant in a few months, honestly. You'll look back and wonder what you worried about.

Ebonyandivory2 · 01/10/2019 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TipseyTorvey · 01/10/2019 18:47

With hard to read sentence construction...so irritating.

Schuyler · 01/10/2019 19:27

This is basically a long post about your friendly sociable toddler compared to this supposedly not as good child. They are toddlers! Seriously...!

BarrenFieldofFucks · 01/10/2019 19:30

^^that

theretheirtheyrenotno · 01/10/2019 19:32

You are so overthinking this! They're two, you cannot dictate friendships and quite frankly if your friend rings to complain they don't play together I would laugh and say they're 2!

Be wary of being so sure your DD will love ab thrive in nursery it doesn't always happen that way!

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