Pushy friend trying to put our girls to the same nursery

[Csmxx]

Me and an old school friend reconnected around 10 months ago. We have daughters who are about 10 weeks apart in age. They are very different little girls. Mine is very bubbly, excitable and always wanting to play. Very confident, independent and most importantly the most friendly little girl. My friends daughter is very quiet, withdrawn, cries and always needs to be held by her mum. She doesnt like anyone but her mum and cries if left without her mum for any length of time.

Me and my wife have decided to put our little girl to nursery at age 2. She LOVES children, she loves playing, you can take her to soft play and she will run away and play with other kids that she doesnt know. Shes absolutely going to love nursery.

My friends daughter, it's not my place to judge but she doesnt seem ready yet. But my friend decided because our little one is going to nursery shell do the same. I think it's her attempt to give her daughter more confidence which I think is a lovely idea in theory. However I'm now stressing.

My daughter and hers do not get on. Mine will run up and give her a cuddle and say hiya. Friends little one screams in terror and jumps into her mums arms and cries until we move our daughter out of sight. They cant play nice together. I know they are little but her daughter screams in my daughters face, shes so timid and my daughter gets upset and tries to kiss her better. Unfortunately my friend gives her in trouble for it saying her daughter needs space and mines doesnt give her space.

Shes now asking me where I'm putting my daughter to nursery so she can apply there too and have the girls go together. But I honestly think that's a bad idea. My daughter gets very upset around her daughter because she wont engage with her. So my daughter has been seen hitting when the little girl wont stop screaming at her.

I'm so excited for my baby to go off and start nursery. I know she will love it. But I have this dread hanging over me. I can see it now. Constant phone calls about my daughter not playing with hers etc. I dont want to put pressure on our daughter to have to play with my friends daughter when that's not what her going to nursery is for. I cant bare the thought of the text messages if her daughter doesnt settle in and mine doesnt play with her. She doesnt even live near our nursery, and said she will get her dad to take her kid to nursery and back, but I honestly dont see this going well. I feel like this will end in a fall out. I know my daughter is uncomfortable around hers, and it's to the point I avoid play dates because her daughter just doesnt want to be around other kids and just screams and cries.

I feel bad but I'm not going to force my daughter to be friendly with a child who makes her upset. I have tried to have play dates, bbq, soft play and my friends daughter just doesnt want to be there. Again not judging but having a brother with autism I see a lot of my brother in the little girl. I know my friend is worrying her daughter will struggle to make friends but I cant make my daughter responsible for her making friends. We've tried and they dont get on. She gets mad if my daughter goes near hers because it makes her daughter cry (bare in mind my daughter is very friendly and will try to pass her toys and her daughter just throws them at her).

I hope her daughter has a pleasant nursery experience, I really do. But my priority is my own little girl and I'm not going to ask he not to apply at our nursery but I'm not going to be making my daughter walk in with the little girl because its going to stress my little one out. And i will get fed up if I'm bombarded with messages asking why my daughter isn't playing with hers.

Okay rambled long enough- am I stressing over nothing?!

You realise there are lots of other children at nursery, don’t you? They’ll probably barely even notice each other.

I know my daughter won't play with her, but that's my problem. My friend will kick off if her daughter doesnt make any friends and my daughter doesnt play with her etc. And she struggles to make friends because shes scared of other kids so I'm stressing that my friend will get mad at me for my daughter not being friends with hers 😖

I wouldn't stress, at nursery your daughter and hers will both have other kids about and each will choose who they do and don't play with. Maybe you can ask the nursery if they can have separate key workers if that eases your mind? If your friend has issues it will be the nurseries issue not yours. You may find they are fine when they are in an environment when there's lots of others about.
The bigger issue to me seems to be your friends behaviour. I'd keep an eye on that!
BTW my boy and another were exactly like this when they were teeny - now they are best buds!

@Decadoma I know my daughters going to thrive. Shes going to love nursery! I'm not so worried about the girls, plenty of teachers and other kids. More concerned that my friend will turn it round to my daughter being mean to hers because I know my daughter will go in there full of confidence and make lots of friends, and if that doesnt include her daughter she will probably start an argument and I want nursery to be fun for our daughter and enjoyable for me and my wife to watch our little one go in full of confidence and begin her life. The thought of drama stresses me out!

Awww I'm glad they're best friends now! My brother made a best friend in nursery and were best pals for a long time:) and if the girls get on that will be amazing! I just dont want my daughter or us being blamed if that isn't the case. Think my friend has it in her head they'll hold hands and be best friends and its just now happening they really aren't getting on too well 🤦‍♀️x

At 2 they barely understand the concept of friends anyway, I wouldn’t worry!

You don’t know your daughter will thrive or love it. You presume she will.

It could easily be that your friends daughter loves it.

I really think you are overthinking it

@Maneandfeathers see I understand they're too young to understand that just now, but my friend just doesnt accept it! My daughter went to give her daughter a hug. Her daughter cried. My daughter panicked and tried to pass her a toy. She got mad at my little one for winding her daughter up?? They're 1.5 years old, no one is winding anyone up!! I dont want to fall out with my friend but I also dint want my daughter being blamed for all the problems in her daughters world (which shes already tried doing) 😩x

@Bringonspring well she loves parties, soft play and other kids and having lived with her since birth it's an educated assumption shell thrive and love it:)

How can your friend "kick off" about something which us completely outside of your control? You can't make your daughter play with hers when you arent even there (or tbh even when you are).
If she does message you with that sort of thing, I'm afraid I'd just have to start being blunt.
"Why isn't your daughter friends with mine?"
"Probably because your daughter screams in her face every time they come near"

At nursery there will be lots of kids and they will all play near each other or with different children at different times.

Also I have a very similar situation with my 2.5 year old and my friends slightly older daughter. My daughter wants to play, she always refuses. They are young enough that it doesnt bother her and she just goes off and plays with someone else. it's more upsetting for you than her, I'm sure.

They are 2. And it might be good for your daughter to learn that some people need space. It's not a given that your dd will make a ton of friends and hers won't. It sounds like it would be really good for your friend's dd to go, and I don't even know how either of you would know who has friends there and who doesn't? Again, they are two. It sounds like you are worrying about nothing.

@BeanBag7 well exactly! I don't get mad or upset when her daughter is in my kids face screaming, I put it down to kids being kids but she blames my little one if her kid gets upset and I cant bare this for another 16 years 😂 I just hope both girls make friends and enjoy themselves because that's whats important!

My daughter most of the time just walks away to play with another toy, she only gets upset if my friend gives her in trouble, and honestly most the time I dont think my daughter deserves to be in trouble. All she has to do is pass her kid a toy and if hers cries mine is a bad girl? Ughhh I could definitely do without the mummy drama haha x

I'm sorry, they are only 1.5 years old! You are way overthinking.

Way over thinking. Fwiw, my #3 is the same age as yours and he has the same temperament. He isn't a fan of nursery however 🤷

There's nothing wrong with your friend's daughter. They all find their own way.

@Rachelle11 I really hope her daughter makes lots of friends. Shes very timid and I hope nursery brings her out her shell! Theres been talk of a possible autism diagnosis on the horizon as my friend thinks she might have it, so my little one gets told to go and play away from friends daughter when shes upset. Shes not in the right catchment area for the nursery we are going to so I could be stressing over nothing, I just dont want to be blamed if our kids dont get on, because shes already gotten mad if my daughter so much as looks at her daughter and that's a lot more years of the two being at school together 🤦‍♀️

Is this the friend who you were going to report to social services recently, whose partner let the child play with a bb gun? What happened about that?

Your friend sounds suffocating, & you need to tell her this:

Shes now asking me where I'm putting my daughter to nursery so she can apply there too and have the girls go together. But I honestly think that's a bad idea. My daughter gets very upset around her daughter because she wont engage with her. So my daughter has been seen hitting when the little girl wont stop screaming at her.

& then suggest that a nursery far away from friend is not going to be convenient, & it's not going to be doing friend's DD any favours to go to the same nursery as yours.

I don't think you're overthinking. I had a friend just like that and after our kid's turned 2 we just kind of fizzled out. They pulled their child from the nursery and now we barely see them, unless it's out in the street passing each other.

I'd deffo advise the nursery that you'd like different key workers. It will soon sort itself out, your friend seems the type to remove her child from nursery after she sees that her DD isn't settling in well

Children can be quite different without their parents and can change a lot in 6 months so I would be low key about it all. Maybe ask for some different sessions/ key worker.

I can see where the stress is in that situation. Its not the child, its the mother. I'd say let her daughter go to the same nursery if she feels shes ready, because realistically you can't stop her. At the first sign of the mother getting a bit arsey about your daughter not essentially "entertaining" hers, you nip it in the bud straight away and say its not your problem. If she doesn't like that then oh well. You just focus on your daughter thriving which it sounds like she will do.

It would annoy me too they were going the way to use the same nursery. Would be different if it was both a nursery you'd independently chosen.

My daughter and her friend clash a lot. They also love each other though. Her mum likes to tell me about every argument or what her daughter says negatively about mine. I don't pass on criticisms of her daughter or details of what mine says about hers - they are young and school are great with them, I don't feel she needs to hear it! But maybe I should!

I can understand that you would like your DD to have the space of a fresh experience.

For you not to feel that an expectation is being placed on her little shoulders to somehow ease the path of the quieter child.

Particularly as they don't seem to play well together, mind you they are very young to be playing well together.

That can come later.

You have two choices.
Come out straight with your concerns to your friend.
Tell her you haven't decided, book her into several and go with a last minute one.
Suck it up.

Best of luck💐

You need to stick to ‘I’m sorry you need to speak to nursery about that’ ‘or I’m not there to supervise, I can’t help you’ ‘I’m not telling DD who she can or can’t play with at nursery’ And stick to it

@MadameButterface yes! So I did some soul searching because I'd hate if someone went behind my back. So I sent her a message with my worries. Shes broken up with the boyfriend, and I'm not joking shes kept on top of her housework, no more bb guns and is getting into a routine with her daughter! Which is so great and I'm so happy for her, I really am! But our girls dont get on very well and I think she is nervous and wants her kid to have a friend and I'd love for mine to have one as well but her daughter hates mine, cries and screams so I'm a little stressed. I've actually kept her family nurses name and told her I'd give there next if she kept neglecting her daughter x

Just swerve the question and say you’re looking at a few? Then just keep emphasising how it’s best to have one that’s really local and that different nurseries suit different children and don’t let her pin you down to a definite response. If you keep being vague surely she should get the hint

So are you going to stand at the door like a bouncer and chuck any kids out that you deem unfit to play with your perfect daughter? Because as easy going as she might be, she seems very upset about a harmless little kid wanting to play with her!