Feeling pushed out of the family after sister gave birth.

[FunkyKingston]

I'm not sure if I'm being petty, juvenile or unduly needy about this but here goes...

I'm in my late 30s and have a sibling who is 18 months younger than me. We both live a significant distance away from our parents and in opposite directions.

I'm separated and don't have any children.

My sister and her partner had a child 2 years ago somewhat unexpectedly and my parents were naturally delighted to be relatively old (late 60s) first time grandparents. They are both in excellent health, have no money worries, are tech savvy, have a car each and are both long retired.

Understandably their new grandchild (and my niece) has been the focus for them for the last few years. However I wasn't prepared for how absolute their focus would be and how I would end up feeling pushed out and like the withered arm of the family tree.

2019 has been the shiteist year of my life, my marriage broke down in January and a situation at work where I was the victim of stalking and intimidatory behaviour by a client and then when my contract came to an end, I couldn't find another job and I've been unemployed since July. Chuck in a couple of bereavements and having to move back into the marital home with my-ex due to not having a job and I'm not in a great place.

I've had depression on and off throughout my adult life and unsurprisingly I've sunk into a bad way, I didn't really leave bed for a month and became reclusive and frightened of the world.

I've had nothing vin the way of support from my parents, their attitude to mental health is prehistoric and they put my struggles down to there being a taint of madness on my dad's side of the family, yet they'll think nothing of driving a near 200 mile round trip to babysit at short notice so my sister doesn't have to shell out for an extra day at the childminder (my sister isn't requesting this and has no money worries and doesn't mind paying the childminder). My parents visit my sister roughly once every.three weeks and whilst not as far away as I live, it necessitates an overnight stay.

They've never once mentioned, even when my health was at its worse that that they might come and visit or asked if I wanted to talk about things.

In fact they haven't come to visit me once in nearly four years or intimated that they might like to do so.

Anyway, I was feeling a bit better in the past few weeks so asked if I could come and see them. The journey was expensive and was physically and mentally draining.

However when I arrived, it was clear they didn't really want me there, that my mum went out a lot of the time and my dad spent a great deal of the time sitting on another room watching his tablet with headphones on. There's been no falling out or animosity, but a growing distance and a feeling, confirmed to me this weekend that I'm pushed out and surplus to requirements.

I feel hurt, yet at the same time petty for resenting their almost monomaniacal focus on my sister and niece.

Is this normal behaviour for parents once the first grandchild arrives? Should I raise this with them and say how hurtful I find this or just suck it up?

Any advice gratefully received!

No this isn’t normal behaviour at all. While yes a lot of people only really like being involved in people’s lives when they are happy, these people are your parents and should be supporting you both. The only thing I’d suggest is don’t let them sneak back in when your life is on track - go low contact from now.

It seems as though your parents couldn't care less.
They couldn't even give you the fake crap you put on when you have guests.
They ignored you in their home.
Your ex oddly probably cares about you more than them, if he's letting you stay.
Your parents didn't offer you room at their house.
Nothing to do with your sister and niece ... They don't want you because they see you as a woman that will remain childless.
For whatever reason they couldn't even tolerate you being at their home.
This isn't your fault.
Your parents are probably the narcissistic types that like a favourite and a scapegoat.
During your childhood I suspect you were treated worse than your sister?

They don't want you because they see you as a woman that will remain childless.
For whatever reason

I'm a he and it wasn't through choice. Well not mine anyway, that was a big factor in the marriage breakdown. I get on very well with my ex partner and it is very amicable, but it isn't an arrangement either she or I would pick given a free choice.

During your childhood I suspect you were treated worse than your sister?

Yes, I certainly felt that way at the time, although I guess most people feel like that at one stage or another, that I could do not right and she could do know wrong.

its certainly extreme. not everyone is attuned to mh issues.
being a male they probably are unsure how to comfort you.
taking a not uncommon firm "protestant work ethic" stance.

I didn't say this to hurt you.
I had a similar situation and realised my ex gave more of a damn than my family.
With you being a guy ...
I wonder if your mum is naturally close you your sister just because they are both female and your Dad doesn't really have a personality and does whatever his wife tells him to do?
Again, I'm projecting and thinking of my parents.
Could they disapprove of the reason your marriage ended?

Keep your chin up about work.
I was unemployed for 10 months , just got a job.
Focus on yourself and getting another job.
People like your parents won't change.
Don't waste your energy in this situation.
You'll eventually grieve and get on.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP. I do think some GP's become v. involved in their GC, which can be lovely but OTT at times.

It could also be that your parents don't want to/aren't v. good at
handling difficult situations (you say their attitudes towards MH are prehistoric) and they're avoiding you because they find it uncomfortable. I discovered that my in-laws are like that - fine when there's good news; awful when it's bad. They literally avoided me after my Mum died and are generally rubbish when someone is ill or needs real help.

It's a weakness in them, not you, and you have to learn to forgive them (which isn't easy).

That's my take on your situation, I could be totally wrong. Whatever the reason, their behaviour is unkind and unsupportive.
The one positive is that getting yourself through this rough time will make you a stronger person as you'll know that you've done it on your own and it'll give you confidence. I'd keep in contact with them but don't make a huge effort. Focus on getting yourself in a better place.

I wonder if your mum is naturally close you your sister just because they are both female

Interestingly my mum and sister were never that close, my sister and father were closest out of all of us both similarly combustible. My mum took great pride.on my sister's academic achievements, but they were never emotionally close.

Dad doesn't really have a personality and does whatever his wife tells him to do?

I don't know. He can be stubborn and fiery when the mood takes, but my mum's like a force of nature. She could drive a coach and horses through anything and is about as subtle as a sledgehammer. He like my mum is equally besotted with my niece. He if anything seems to be slightly more conscious of how much time and energy they devote to my niece.

Could they disapprove of the reason your marriage ended?

I doubt it, there was no outrageous behaviour on either side, just a drifting apart, a mutual loss of sexual interest and a sense that we possibly wanted different things long term. We still get on well as friend.

Sorry you are having such a bad time OP. How was it for you growing up? Did you ever enjoy a positive relationship with your parents? It would be helpful to know more about your past relationships with both your parents and your sister to get a clearer picture. When a grandchild comes along, it is usual for a huge amount of attention to be focussed in that direction, but not to the exclusion of your other children. I have grandchildren who I adore and I would travel miles to help out at short notice, but if one of my other children needed me I would also be there like a shot and couldn’t bear the idea of them suffering as you have described.

@Pol16 Some parents do show marked favouritism towards certain children, though. I've witnessed it in our extended family (not me personally) and it's a bit of a joke among the "non-favoured" children that the parents seldom bother with them, yet constantly phone and visit the others!

It's not really funny, but my relatives have accepted that things aren't going to change. It's a good lesson for DH and I never to play favourites with our DC.

That sounds hard, I am sorry .

It sounds as though your parents are quite self absorbed and fully immersed in a generation that can't deal with mh issues, therefore they can't relate to your position and instead of recognising your situation, they choose to ignore it. You pitching up to stay and not feeling supported is evidence of this. Would your sister be more helpful and supporting? I do believe that children change a focus, for example my in law's (who are lovely and fab) announced during my pregnancy that they would come round every Monday evening! It wasn't an invitation nor a discussion and whilst my kid's are older, they still see us every Monday night but before the kids, we hardly ever saw them !!!

I discovered that my in-laws are like that - fine when there's good news; awful when it's bad

Yep that might be the nub of the problem. Plus in a weird way I think they're weirdly over invested in me and my sister, her successes and accomplishments they see as theirs and a vindication of their parenting and my relative failings job, relationship and health-wise are a source of shame to them.

The one positive is that getting yourself through this rough time will make you a stronger person as you'll know that you've done it on your own

Thanks for the kind words and positive.thoughts, but I'm not coping and not getting better.

It would be helpful to know more about your past relationships with both your parents and your sister to get a clearer picture

Growing up we were never close, both my parents can in quite different ways be intense and uber keen for us to succeed academically. My sister was better able to give them what we wanted and growing up she was praised whilst I was condemned. If I'm honest I came to see her as a rival rather than a close sibling. My mother in particular seemed to pit us against us against one another as a way of getting is to do better and the refrain of my childhood was 'your sister is two schol years younger and can do X or y better than you.' As a result, in adulthood we aren't that close. We're very different people. I used to envy my cousin's who seemed to have a great easygoing friendship between them.

However a lot of my life choices were seemingly motivated by a desire to try and prove to my parents I was her equal and failing. My sister and I both have PhDs, but hers is Oxbridge and mine is from a redbrick: guess who's PhD pictures/matriculation pictures are all over the wall and whose don't figure. In fact I don't think there's a 'normal' photograph of us, not related to academic achievement anywhere. In fact I don't think there's a family picture of us all anywhere. Which is weird. It is only in typing this that I've got a sense of how disfunctional it was from the off and maybe my niece has thrown things into sharper relief.

Hell's teeth that's a long post.

Hello. I think your parents are rather disfunctional (to say it nicely).
Have you browsed Captainawkward.com ? It's an advice blog that's casual and clear and very very good about establishing boundaries to protect you from toxic (from mildly to appalling) people in your life.

I am sorry you're going through such a shit time. I'm afraid they can't give you what you need, but I know that something can. Keep looking around you for the right people/things to help. Can you get some CBT, plan a routine of things that help you, etc? It's appalling that you have to build your own life raft, but it CAN be done, and you deserve it.

I know you will naturally focus on your parents as a means of support, but it would seem from what you say that there is a huge back story to your relationship with them.

First things first you need to focus on your health, without your health you will not be able to move on in other areas of your life. Do you feel able to address your mental health issues with professional help?

Medication and therapy might be a start to repairing how you see yourself. You have obviously achieved a lot in life but seem to see yourself as having failed somewhat.

I really feel for you that your circumstances have changed so much in a short space of time, you will certainly see these events as negatives.
I can only advise that you use them as a catalyst for a positive change.

Hopefully your relationship with your family will be explored if you engage in therapy and you will be able to make sense of it.

Are you able to do a temporary Christmas job even if it's stacking shelves at Tesco? When I was at my lowest this is what I did and I think it saved me from sinking further. It was temporary but it gave me a purpose to leave the house, some social connection but mainly space.

Get some therapy and start redrawing your boundaries in your favour. Once your parents become frail, they will start to depend on you and not your sister. Your sister will be excused from providing care because she's got a family. If you're still single then the expectation will fall on you & you have to decide how much you want to give.

Get therapy, get well and go working & travelling around the world to restart your life.

I am your DPs age. Probably because I felt some of my siblings were favoured over me I try to treat my adult DCs equally.
Unfortunately your DPs don't. They will probably favour their first born DGC over any subsequent ones, as this happens a lot ime.
You are probably cleverer than you think, we are hugely influenced by our DPs attitude to us as DCs. Could you afford a life coach?
They feel you are old enough to sort out your own problems and don't want burdened with them. Not how I would feel about my DCs but to be fair even when my DD wasn't coping well with what life had thrown at her there was little I could do except provide a sympathetic ear. But I did offer to pay for counselling.
As you're DPs are not empathising with you you're best to take a step back and leave them to it.

That wasn’t terribly helpful Monty. 🙄

Funky
You sound very sorry for yourself and very down on life. You’ve been trained to believe that your parents would praise you and fawn over you if only you could prove you were good enough. To be perfectly frank, you are good enough. It is they, who are not good enough parents.

Decent, loving parents wouldn’t pit their children against one another or ignore one because they haven’t followed the path they as parents would have chosen. Decent, loving parents wouldn’t feel ashamed of their ill child. The role of parents is to support their child when growing up so that they can go out into the world with self love and self belief. Something you weren’t equipped to do. Instead they don’t even seem to respect and as a result you’ve learnt not to respect yourself.

It sounds as though you think they’d be there for your sister if this happened to her. Maybe they would. In any case you need to find peace with the fact that your parents will never ever be what you need them to be. That they will never ever be proud of you because they are flawed, not because you don’t deserve it.

You say you’re not getting better. As the saying goes, it isn’t time that heals, it’s what you do with that time. Your job is to heal you and use your time wisely so that you do heal. Therapy, lots of self care. Talking. Accepting what you can’t change. That would be your parents for one. Through therapy you can change your frame of reference toward them and your reaction to how they are. But you need to be prepared to put in a lot of hard work because it isn’t easy. I know as I was once where you are.

Pps were right. Your ex cares more about you than your parents. Your situation will not become easier if you don’t sort something out. Let her care and generosity give you the impetus to change your life so that you can both move on.

Monty Dyson if you don't understand mental health issues and family dynamics don't post on these threads. OP please ignore this clueless person.

@FunkyKingston I'm just throwing another view point in here. I recently had a baby. I don't live close to my parents and I've seen them more in the past year than in the previous years when we'd moved away. They make a lot more effort to visit now. I don't feel like I'm being visited though. They come purely because we had a baby. Is there any possibility that your parents are the same with your sister? I know it must be hard for it to seem like she's getting support but I bet you that it's actually the baby they want to see and spend time with not particularly your sister especially after you say your mum and her aren't close.

Also, have you asked them for help and support rather than feeling like they should be there to offer it? Again I know it might seem like they should just be there but as a man (I know, horrible gender/sex whatever generalisation here) do you think that maybe they don't feel like you need the support?

I hope things get better for you soon. It's hard being out of work, I've been there.

How does your sister feel about all of this? She must have noticed that your parents were visiting her but not you. Has she been supportive through your health problems and marriage breakdown? I would expect that of a sibling as much as from a parent. Perhaps speaking to her would be a good place to start.

(((FunkyKingston)))
If you do want to try more with your parents could you ask them to do some very specific things such do a shop for you or bring some food.