Feeling pushed out of the family after sister gave birth.

[FunkyKingston]

I'm not sure if I'm being petty, juvenile or unduly needy about this but here goes...

I'm in my late 30s and have a sibling who is 18 months younger than me. We both live a significant distance away from our parents and in opposite directions.

I'm separated and don't have any children.

My sister and her partner had a child 2 years ago somewhat unexpectedly and my parents were naturally delighted to be relatively old (late 60s) first time grandparents. They are both in excellent health, have no money worries, are tech savvy, have a car each and are both long retired.

Understandably their new grandchild (and my niece) has been the focus for them for the last few years. However I wasn't prepared for how absolute their focus would be and how I would end up feeling pushed out and like the withered arm of the family tree.

2019 has been the shiteist year of my life, my marriage broke down in January and a situation at work where I was the victim of stalking and intimidatory behaviour by a client and then when my contract came to an end, I couldn't find another job and I've been unemployed since July. Chuck in a couple of bereavements and having to move back into the marital home with my-ex due to not having a job and I'm not in a great place.

I've had depression on and off throughout my adult life and unsurprisingly I've sunk into a bad way, I didn't really leave bed for a month and became reclusive and frightened of the world.

I've had nothing vin the way of support from my parents, their attitude to mental health is prehistoric and they put my struggles down to there being a taint of madness on my dad's side of the family, yet they'll think nothing of driving a near 200 mile round trip to babysit at short notice so my sister doesn't have to shell out for an extra day at the childminder (my sister isn't requesting this and has no money worries and doesn't mind paying the childminder). My parents visit my sister roughly once every.three weeks and whilst not as far away as I live, it necessitates an overnight stay.

They've never once mentioned, even when my health was at its worse that that they might come and visit or asked if I wanted to talk about things.

In fact they haven't come to visit me once in nearly four years or intimated that they might like to do so.

Anyway, I was feeling a bit better in the past few weeks so asked if I could come and see them. The journey was expensive and was physically and mentally draining.

However when I arrived, it was clear they didn't really want me there, that my mum went out a lot of the time and my dad spent a great deal of the time sitting on another room watching his tablet with headphones on. There's been no falling out or animosity, but a growing distance and a feeling, confirmed to me this weekend that I'm pushed out and surplus to requirements.

I feel hurt, yet at the same time petty for resenting their almost monomaniacal focus on my sister and niece.

Is this normal behaviour for parents once the first grandchild arrives? Should I raise this with them and say how hurtful I find this or just suck it up?

Any advice gratefully received!

I think therapy would be useful but I imagine it’s out of reach at the moment with the NHS as it is and you unemployed.

Ultimately where you need to get is to understand in your bones that your parents are not the ultimate arbiter of your success and failure in life. They are flawed human beings with their own stuff going on - clearly part of which is a massive need for external validation based on their focus on your sister’s exam results.

I suspect were you closer to your sister you’d learn that the exam results = love dynamic was pretty tough for her actually and probably also has lead to low self-esteem in a different way. Only you know if you’re strong enough for this, but getting to know your niece separately from your parents could be therapeutic. Aunts and Uncles are special and have an important role for kids.

But that may be for later. In the mean time look after yourself. Headspace and Calm are two good meditation apps which can really help, and just keep plugging away at the job applications. When my Dad was applying during the 90s the coach said 100 applications = 10 interviews = 1 job, so try hard not to get disheartened although it is utterly soul-destroying, I do accept.

FunkyKingston there is a long running thread on the relationships forum called stately homes you may find this very supportive. Worth having a look.

I think this happens a lot in families TBH. Many parents will favour a certain child .It has probably been made worse for you by the arrival of GC .Sometimes older parents can seem to think you can just "snap out of Depression"! and their views are dated and unhelpful.Do you have friends /Cousins you could maybe stay with for a few days? .I think your parents deliberately avoiding your issues as they cant handle any problems upsetting their "perfect" family!.

The whole golden child/scapegoat axis for me is about projecting all the things parents want to be onto one child and all the things they dislike/reject in themselves onto the other. In the words of Bob Dylan ‘they just want to be on the side that’s winning’.

and my relative failings job, relationship and health-wise are a source of shame to them.

Except you haven’t failed. You’ve just had a bummer of a year. You will find a new job and a new relationship and perhaps new interests and passions too.

Ultimately where you need to get is to understand in your bones that your parents are not the ultimate arbiter of your success and failure in life. They are flawed human beings with their own stuff going on - clearly part of which is a massive need for external validation based on their focus on your sister’s exam results.

Yup. They have their own fears, insecurities and self hatreds - if they didn’t there wouldn’t be the dichotomy of treatment between you and your sis.

@FunkyKingston your situation has made me think of one of my sisters, nearly mid-40s, in a job she doesn't really like. All of us other 3 sisters have kids and I see the pain she endures at family gatherings when everyone fawns over the kids. My Mum came in to some cash and made a big deal about giving all the Grandkids a sum each - telling all us sisters via a group email. The Mid fury was unleashed!

So I do feel in part your pain. 💐

On a basic level, lots of parents (grandparents) go absolutely insane when a grandchild arrives. It's all they can talk about, they live to visit it, they are busting to look after it, and all other friends/relatives can take a hike. Obviously not everyone is like this, but I have seen a fair few. So, OP, I think you can disregard the parental mania about the gc and appreciate that's par for the course.

As for the mental health - lots of people do want to brush this under the carpet. I know that if I ever mentioned any infirmity - of any kind - to my dm she'd cheerily breeze, "Oh, you'll be all right!" End of conversation. It's hurtful, but you can't change people. And you especially can't change older people.

On the plus point, OP, you are late 30s. Yippee! You are young . You will find someone else, you will find a suitable job, and you will get back on your feet. But... it is up to you, and - personal knowledge here! - parental support isn't always forthcoming.

This is an affordable counselling course . If you are not London ask if they do phone x

One of the things I have found hardest about being a parent is realising that your DC have their own path and you can’t build your self esteem around the performance of your child. Children don’t exist to validate their parents sense of self worth (or self importance).

Your parents appear to get an ego boost from your DSis meeting their ideals of what a child should be. But and this is a big but... their ideals are about their self esteem and ego not what is right for the child. If your DSis jacked in her job and became a pole dancer called Brandee they would re-evaluate her position pretty quickly.

The only way you can guarantee your parent’s conditional approval is to live the life they want you to have not the one you want. So, I would see your GP for MH support, either take a Christmas job or do some voluntary work and take a bit of time to decide what you really want.

This isn't normal on your parents part at all.I have a ds and live close to my parents and my brother has no kids and lives 1.5 hour drive away and there is absolutely no favouritism.They babysit for me but have also driven to db and back again to collect his dog to look after while he went abroad (db doesn't drive).Speak to them,dont let it fester.You shouldn't be made to feel this way.

OP I am sorry you have had a shitty time. IME it is not usual for 1st time grandparents to become obsessed. My Dad was obsessed with his first GC. MIL talked about her first GC for hours.
I didn't have DC when these were born and use to internally eye-roll.
Yanbu they're being very inconsiderate I hope things work out for you.
Please see your GP ask for help to recover.
You are still a young man, you never know what is around the corner. I hope you find the right support.

Both DH's parents and mine are dead so I have no experience of DGP's with my son so I'm coming at this from a different angle.
I do think you need some external support (therapy?) to help you accept the way your parents are towards you and your sister. Other people are not perfect and will never live up to our expectations, especially if we have firmly held beliefs about injustices going back to childhood. Holding onto grudges is pointless and stressful.

Rather than trying to change them, change your attitude towards them instead.
Try to accept them, flaws and all and focus on how to make yourself happy. If it means you don't see them often, so what? Develop new friendships and relationships.

As others have suggested, maybe look for temporary Christmas work to get you out of the house and meeting new people.

I think it will help your recovery enormously when you start to genuinely believe in yourself and no longer rely on the validation from others. You are great as you are!

My parents sound a bit like yours but my sister and I reached a stage a few years ago where we realised that we could change that dynamic if we wanted to, perhaps your sister isn’t interested in competing any more either? Maybe if you try reaching out to her and getting to know her as a person in her own right you could form your own relationship independently of your parents. You could get to know your niece too.

Believe me OP things always change and do get better.
2015/2016 everything went wrong in my life, every day I woke with dread I physically felt like I had a person on my back the emotional weight.
It eventually lifted by making small positive changes the weird thing was I woke one day and felt light again.
Everything got better after that. You need to mentally push the mounds of pressure in your mind off you stop yourself drowning. Little steps.

I haven't read all PPs, so don't know if I'm repeating things. But I would not be surprised that they are not there for you in your adult life when you need the support, if they were not there for you in your childhood. But take it as validation that what you remember from your childhood is true and valid, they cannot gaslight you into thinking they were brilliant and it never happened, because they are still doing it!

Don't look to them for support, go low contact. Work towards putting yourself back together again and build on relationships with people around you, those you value and trust. It's really important you keep talking to someone, when you are this down. Good luck with it all, and know that many of us have been through similar and built good lives despite it all.

No it's ridiculous and unfair. I have one child and one sibling with no children, who has some challenges and mental health issues etc. My parents see me and my DS much more regularly as we live very nearby and they help with childcare, but it doesn't mean they have stopped making an effort with my sibling and do their best to support him as well.

I really feel for you, been through similar, my.mum lived 5 streets away and only visited if I begged her to, I had a breakdown re sexual harassment at work, and had no one to turn to. When m8mum died she completely cut me out of her will, not even a letter or photo, even though we never fell out. It hurts so much, and I dont have an answer, but your feelings are valid 💐

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to the thread. Sleep patterns all over the place and generally wandering around a bit zombified.

I've avoided calling my parents as I feel everything will come out in a vast emotional ketchup burst and will be brushed off as me being unstable or overly emotional.

I went to the Doctor however and the GP was more proactive and seems to be looking.to do something other than whack my antidepressant dose up periodically.

Thanks also for all the kind words.

This isn't usual, kind of appropriate parental behaviour, but I don't think it's about your niece, once every three weeks isn't a huge amount to see a grandchild, there will be plenty on here who see their GCs at least weekly. This is more about their perception and judgement of mental health and your circumstances and either not wanting to engage or not knowing how to. You say your mother pitted you and your sister against each other, so I can see why this pattern has become ingrained for you over time, but your sister's perceived successes have nothing to do with your recent difficulties, she may actually be struggling but you're not close enough to know.

Wow. I know this is an old thread but it's really hit home with me. OP I hope things have gotten better for you and you've found your 'zen'. It's hard to walk away from families - they're your family - but at the end of the day you would never accept this sort of behaviour from your friends and you certainly wouldn't keep them around... so why would you keep toxic family around just because they're 'family'?

I'm going through similar at the moment. I've always felt pushed out by my family because I'm not my mums ideal version of the perfect child. No, I've never smoked, done drugs and I got A grades in school and went on to study towards biomedical sciences in college. Granted, I dropped out of the latter to become a photographer but I had an outstanding career in it working for high end clients and travelling the world. My mum saw none of that. She saw a tattooed, pierced child with dyed hair who liked to spend her free time drawing and listening to heavy metal. My sister, on the other hand, was doing drugs, smoking, having sex, drinking in school and getting suspended but my mum always perceived her as the perfect child and she always had more attention than me. I didn't mind too much as I've always enjoyed my own company but now I'm an adult it's become much more apparent.

Over the last 6 years I've suffered greatly. My marriage broke down; my ex was a scam artist and married me only to try and take 50% of my property. He had a secretly family with two kids and his parents were in on the scam too. I was going through fertility treatment at the time as we had been trying for 4 years. He was mentally abusive and I had no support. As I'd travelled, I had no friends local to me and I had to move out of the area for work which meant I had no one.

All the while, my sister had met someone and had two children. I tried not to feel bitter about it as it wasn't her fault that I couldn't have my own.

As I was going through a hard time, my career suffered from it as my manager couldn't comprehend that I didn't want to share my problems with the office. I was dragged through a disciplinary with HR and the entire team was turned against me. I was told that if I wasn't so good at my job then they would've fired me. The only thing I was guilty of was wanting to keep my personal life personal. I lost my marriage, was at risk of losing my home and career and I was alone.

And then Covid hit.

I was shut off alone from the world and, whilst I asked for help from my parents within the guidelines, they didn't care and wouldn't help. They would visit my sister at her window as they couldn't go without seeing their grandkids. In October 2020 they'd sold their house and there was a discussion over where they would live until their house was ready in Feb 2021. We agreed that my mum would move in with me and my dad and brother would move in with my sister. I was beyond excited as I'd been alone all year and I was really struggling with my mental health. A week before they were due to move in, my mum told me she would no longer be moving in with me and that she wanted to go to my sister's instead as she had the kids. Disclaimer: my sister lives with the children's dad and the other set of grandparents also live around the corner from them. I begged my mum to stay here, even if she could stay 1 or 2 days a week as I'd hit rock bottom and I'd been feeling suicidal... request denied. I was pushed out even more and had to watch as they all played happy families together.

In January 2021 I contacted my manager (new manager) at work to beg for help as I was scared I was going to kill myself. I'd been using vodka as a way to cope and forget about the days. I started having counselling and the day after I'd reached out, I met someone. I don't usually believe in fate but he came in to my life at the right time. He lived 222 miles away but as soon as I told him what had happened, he drove straight up just to give me a hug. We're now 8 months down the line and he's moved in and supports me every step through life.

Yes, everything in my relationship feels perfect but my family still push me out and it's tearing my heart apart. I was uninvited from my sisters wedding (there was no fall-out) and the only time they want to acknowledge my existence is if they want something. They never visit here, the last time was when I bought the place 5.5 years ago. If I ask them to visit then they make up any excuse they can think of but then I later find out they've gone to my sister's instead.

I don't want to have to cut them off, they're family... but maybe it's time. As I said, you wouldn't accept this behaviour from a friend, right?

Hello .
I just wanted some advice on weather or not I’m being irrational .
I have a ds aged 2 . Since birth my parents have loved and treated my son . As all grandparents should . However my younger sister has fallen pregnant and she is around 30 weeks pregnant . She is still living with my parents . Since my son was around 5 months my parents have babysat every Friday so my partner and I can work without having to pay childcare . Since my sisters pregnancy started I have felt nothing but pushed out . My sister has a very nasty attitude problem due to new boyfriend and her boyfriend is a very nasty manipulative person . Since pregnancy we have all been pushed out , not allowed to scans , appointments or even allowed to buy her unborn baby anything . My parents have now said they cannot babysit my DS anymore as my sister is pregnant and is due soon . This was a bit annoying as they had him every Friday and feels they don’t want to babysit anymore as there is going to be a new baby . My partner and I have experienced nothing but vicious comments and nasty attitude from my sister , but my parents snap at me every time I mention anything to her . She has even been nasty towards my son . My parents do not want to address this problem as they said “ they don’t want to push her out “ . My parents were due to come fit my curtains for me as my partner and I have been extremely busy with work . However they have now said they cannot do it anymore as they are going to my sisters scan instead . So I am left without curtains and I have no clue how to do it and my partner is working most days . My parents and I are constantly arguing over this and the fact I feel pushed away .
what is everyone’s thoughts ? Am I being irrational? .