Feeling pushed out of the family after sister gave birth.

[FunkyKingston]

I'm not sure if I'm being petty, juvenile or unduly needy about this but here goes...

I'm in my late 30s and have a sibling who is 18 months younger than me. We both live a significant distance away from our parents and in opposite directions.

I'm separated and don't have any children.

My sister and her partner had a child 2 years ago somewhat unexpectedly and my parents were naturally delighted to be relatively old (late 60s) first time grandparents. They are both in excellent health, have no money worries, are tech savvy, have a car each and are both long retired.

Understandably their new grandchild (and my niece) has been the focus for them for the last few years. However I wasn't prepared for how absolute their focus would be and how I would end up feeling pushed out and like the withered arm of the family tree.

2019 has been the shiteist year of my life, my marriage broke down in January and a situation at work where I was the victim of stalking and intimidatory behaviour by a client and then when my contract came to an end, I couldn't find another job and I've been unemployed since July. Chuck in a couple of bereavements and having to move back into the marital home with my-ex due to not having a job and I'm not in a great place.

I've had depression on and off throughout my adult life and unsurprisingly I've sunk into a bad way, I didn't really leave bed for a month and became reclusive and frightened of the world.

I've had nothing vin the way of support from my parents, their attitude to mental health is prehistoric and they put my struggles down to there being a taint of madness on my dad's side of the family, yet they'll think nothing of driving a near 200 mile round trip to babysit at short notice so my sister doesn't have to shell out for an extra day at the childminder (my sister isn't requesting this and has no money worries and doesn't mind paying the childminder). My parents visit my sister roughly once every.three weeks and whilst not as far away as I live, it necessitates an overnight stay.

They've never once mentioned, even when my health was at its worse that that they might come and visit or asked if I wanted to talk about things.

In fact they haven't come to visit me once in nearly four years or intimated that they might like to do so.

Anyway, I was feeling a bit better in the past few weeks so asked if I could come and see them. The journey was expensive and was physically and mentally draining.

However when I arrived, it was clear they didn't really want me there, that my mum went out a lot of the time and my dad spent a great deal of the time sitting on another room watching his tablet with headphones on. There's been no falling out or animosity, but a growing distance and a feeling, confirmed to me this weekend that I'm pushed out and surplus to requirements.

I feel hurt, yet at the same time petty for resenting their almost monomaniacal focus on my sister and niece.

Is this normal behaviour for parents once the first grandchild arrives? Should I raise this with them and say how hurtful I find this or just suck it up?

Any advice gratefully received!

I found that when my sister gave birth I was pushed out.

It seemed that the focus was on her and her baby. She wouldn’t make an effort with me because she found that her role as a mother was more important than doing anything for my birthday or coming out and visiting.

I was fine with this until she demanded I start baby sitting.

I’ve spoken with others & it’s a similar theme with the parents prioritising the family unit.

I felt left out of things initially. I’m completely fine now.

I’m sorry you’re going through such an horrendous year.

It feels like your family have abandoned you and they possibly have.

It feels horrible at the time, but you will get through this. You will find another job and you will find another relationship.

I think going through this process shows us who we can rely on when the struggle is real.

I never posted about my experience when I had a child and my golden child sibling did not. No, I never felt that I / dd was being prioritised over him. My mother insisted on going to see him on the way to my house even though that meant she would arrive during nap time. And even though she lived close to him and could see him any time. I take the obligatory visit to him was her way of telling me where dd and I are in the pecking order. Then when she turned up during nap time, she would insist dd was woken up because she had arrived. I didn’t oblige.

There is an element of truth in Montys response.... although maybe it wasn't delivered in the best way. This isn't about you. It's about the baby. Why don't you try to build a relationship with your neice too? (And maybe with your sister?). You can Skype, ask for pictures, ask questions about what she's up to. Show some interest in the baby..... Have you ever invited your parents to stay? Have you ever suggested doing something with them? E.g. fancy coming to the theatre mum and dad to see X. Shall we go to the cinema? I wouldn't expect any guests to come and see me and just sit in my home unless it was for a very brief time. All your posts are about you and how you feel.....what about your parents and sister?

MontyDyson
Reported . You vile little creature

I agree there is an element of truth. But the delivery.

When your life is floundering sometimes we need for the people that raised us to have our back . Clearly you are not getting this and won’t ever get it . Maybe it’s sexism . Maybe they are just really callous

Either way it’s very hurtful and yanbu to feel this way

The way to get out of the pit is
Not very easy but it’s all
About methodically doing all of the things we know work

See a GP
Try and get a therapy referral , there exists services that charge what people can afford
Look for local volunteering to keep you
Busy and connected
Force yourself into fresh air and garden
Exercise
Watch your diet
Don’t drink
Look for local job seeking clubs
Seek short term Xmas work

Add to this list with stuff you like but keep pushing yourself to do TWO meaningful tasks daily . It’s either that or ?

Focus on actions

Your parents sound distant and manipulative TBH. A pattern from childhood has been established which sets your sister as the golden child and you as the scape goat - the birth of your niece and their reaction simply compounds the behaviour.

Add in your work situation, marriage breakdown and some bereavements and it's no wonder you feel shit and that you aren't coping.

First off you need to go and see your GP and tell them this. You need meds - they will help. A referral for counselling would also be very helpful.

Secondly you need work - any type of work. As a PP has said can you pick up some temp Xmas work? A job will help with you sense of self-worth and also give you some focus and structure at the moment - as well as bolstering finances.

The rest flows from there - feeling steadier, having work and being financially better off puts you on a better footing for deciding what to do next in terms of moving on. What I would recommend as soon as you can afford it, is regular private counselling (costs about £30-40 per hour). It sounds like there are parental and childhood issues to unpick and it will help you to decide what type of relationship - if any - you want to have with your parents.

You're only late 30s - which is still young yet! And as a bloke you have an advantage in that your fertility is not as finite as a woman's. If you want children there is still plenty of time for you to meet someone and have a family, if you decide that's what you want. But first and foremost is working on you, to help you feel better and deal with the relationship with your parents and their view of you - which is at the root of this problem. Good luck.

How hurtful for you. Sadly some parents are like this. Mine are (though me and my sibling are both female and both have children). Your turn of phrase "surplus to requirements" is also one that goes through my head a lot. Sometimes I think my children and I could fall off the face of the earth and my parents would neither notice nor care as long as they have golden girl and the golden grandchildren.

I know that sounds like I'm bitter and resentful and need to grow the fuck up but, well, I am!

I've given up trying to win my parents approval. Nothing has ever worked. When we were young they fell over themselves to praise her academic achievements (mine were ok but not as spectacular). Later I pulled myself together and I'm now a partner in a law firm. However that's "wrong" as well because I should be raising my children (like, guess who, oh yes, my sister!)

When I see them (a couple of times a year, now low contract) they talk about "our grandchildren" with such love and pride. However they are only talking about my sister's children. Mine seem to barely register.

Gahhhh! Nothing helpful to add but I really feel for you.

My SIL has PILs first DGC 18months ago. SIL lives about 4hrs from them. DH (her bro) and I live 2hrs from PIL in the opposite direction.

PIL practically live with SIL, they visit so often. They never visit us. We visit PIL about three times a year. DH makes jokey (but slightly hurt) comments about this situation BUT he rarely contacts them his own volition and when he speaks to them, tells them how busy we are. I think they probably feel they are not needed, whilst feeling that SIL really does need them. He doesn’t show all that much interest in his parents lives, whilst his DS does.

My point is, maybe they don’t realise how you feel. Maybe there has been a breakdown in communication. Maybe your feelings of rivalry and being second best are clouding the situation. I’m just trying to throw a different perspective here - maybe I’m completely wrong.

I’m from a group of 4 siblings and my mum has always strived to treat us equally. My DS has always had a massive chip on her shoulder about being the least favourite and most unimportant in the family. Ironically, she’s probably had the most financial and emotional support from my parents. She definitely continues to hold this perception regardless.

Furthermore, I’m sorry your parents don’t really understand your MH struggles, it can definitely be a generational thing. My parents definitely would struggle to understand and relate.

Please don’t rely on them for MH support and make sure you seek help elsewhere.

OP listen to Mummyoflittledragon. Everything she says is true. You have been worn down by narcissistic parents over many years. I should imagine one of them chose which child was going to be the favourite at an early age for a random reason. It could be gender, it could be order in family, or as random as hair colour or being a baby that cried less. For whatever reason, that baby was prioritised from an early age.

Can you imagine how that has impacted on both the lives of you and your sister. She has been indoctrinated with the idea that she is capable, loved and wanted and you have been indoctrinated with the opposite. That is not your fault, it's your parents'.

Normal people would be incredibly proud of their children going to a redbrick university. I am very proud of my son going recently. Let alone getting a PhD. It's an amazing achievement.

Your parents can only see things through their own selfish needs. They are narcissistic. Read up about narcissistic parents; yours sound textbook.

You can get over it. Therapy would be really helpful for this. If you can afford it once you get a job, find the best therapist you can: someone warm and empathic but also experienced with psychodynamic and relational training. They will be able to unpick all the dynamics between you and your parents and help you to gain more confidence and have better and more fulfilling relationships. Good luck OP.

It does sound like there could be more to this than you realise and that therapy would be a great investment

Look I am not a
Prefect mother but we have a joke that ‘the squeaky wheel gets the most oil’ so whichever child has the most issues gets the most attention . That’s what’s normal
I think . If they have always been so it could help understand why depression has been in your life so much

Op I second those who have said see a GP and go low contact with your parents. Some people just have shot parents. It must be crap to acknowledge that but it might help to do so.

Why don't you just call them out on their behaviour?? Ask them where your photos are etc

Are you having medical help for your depression OP? My brother had a nervous breakdown some years ago and I remember that most normal advice (keeping busy, fresh air), while valid, was absolutely redundant in the face of his sheer crushing depression. The combination of anti depressants and talking therapy was what eventually worked.

Once you are starting to recover then you will be better able to address things with your parents. It must be so difficult seeing them support your sister and not you, but please don't doubt that you can still get better without their help.

To be fair, at the age of nearly 40 to be single and long term unemployed is a pretty depressing place to be if it isn't what you wanted from life. However you have posted a lot about how you feel and how you are struggling but haven't shown much insight into why you have ended up single and unemployed.

There's a similar situation in my family where I am married with DC and in a job I enjoy. My brother is single and has a profession he enjoys but works short term contracts which means he flits between overseas and my parents house. He spends his free time gaming or chatting online. If you talk to him about his ambitions in life he comes across very disempowered and depressed. If I were to guess what is the issue I would trace it back to his long term girlfriend cheating on him and the horrible break up, that was over 10 years ago now and he hasn't had a relationship since. Only FWB or ONS type connections. No doubt he perceives life as unfair right now.

The point I'm trying to make is that you are responsible for your choices, this means taking back control of your life rather than giving in to depression. You will be able to access CBT through your GP, please make an appointment today.

Sometimes it’s not that easy itwasovelydream. There are no photos of me nor my family at my DM’s house but hundreds of my brother’s family. That is because a) he has given her photos and I haven’t and b) she has made it clear that I am too ugly for her house and she doesn’t like my children. I could send her a framed photo but it would end up in the bin. She would run around my DB when we were growing up but I had to fend for myself. I asked her why she left me to take the train and one suitcase to (1960s) university on my first day whilst she had always chauffeured my DB (to Oxford) and she said that she didn’t want to think about it.

OP some parents are crap. But you MUST get help and get out of the house, eat well, exercise well and sleep well. Work on your own self esteem and start to rebuild the bricks of your life your way.

My sister and her partner had a child 2 years ago

they haven't come to visit me once in nearly four years or intimated that they might like to do so.

So the visiting part has nothing to do with your DN then.

Did something happen 4 years ago OP? How often did they visit before that?

This is utterly, utterly shit.

I have experienced similar OP, and I know how much it hurts. It's difficult to find a language for it, because there's a view that family dynamics, and especially sibling rivalry, are something that only besets the under 10s. It's absolute nonsense: adults need support too, and it's natural to want to receive that from your nuclear family. When you can see another family member receiving love and care in abundance, but you receive none yourself, it is immensely hurtful and harmful to your sense of self. This is especially the case if the dynamic was also in place while you were growing up.

I think you need to see this as what it is: quite a serious hurdle for you to clear, and one which is probably related to your wider mental health. I had counselling for two years and it was utterly transformative. I always knew cerebrally that the relationship wasn't fair or just or loving, but this allowed me to understand that emotionally as well. Something very strange happened for me: the more I could ground my own sense of self worth and exist without them (this is one of the hardest things to reach - a lot of people who are well loved do not understand the battle), the more my family started to behave in a reasonable, sane way. They had no idea I was having counselling, but it must have shown in other ways because they actually started to make a bit of an effort.

And do remember: what goes around comes around. Your parents are hale and hearty now, but there will come a time when they are not. Your responsibility to them is lessened, I think, if they have not shown you love and care.

(Also @MissSueDenim: the visiting thing - my parents have visited me 3 times in 15 years. My sister has visited me twice in that time. I make an effort to see them at least 4 times a year, so you do the maths on the ratio there. Sometimes the labour of maintaining the relationship is unevenly distributed, and this can cause hurt if there isn't really any reason for things to be that way, which is the case for OP. Of course, it's different if someone is disabled or ill).

To ask the question, is this behaviour normal? It is normal for my parents.

I have had exactly the same, having a horrendous time while my parents couldn’t provide any kind of support but just talk about my niece. My ex was an unpredictable stalker, my son was distraught after contact, we were about to loose the house but if I called them, they only wanted to talk about the great things little Mary was doing and they never had much time to ask about how DS or I were. I utterly resented calling them just to have little Mary put on the phone to sing me a song when I was upset trying to build some protection for my son.

At the end op, I realise that I could add more misery to my life expecting them to behave as the stereotype of what parents should be OR stop expecting any support from them, as we have grown to be strangers in the years I lived away from them. My relationship with them is in their backburner while my sister’s and her families are getting full attention because they have constant regular contact.

Once you accept they are NEVER going to be the parents you want them to be and stop expecting their support, the suffering on that front stops. You will still get annoyed at their actions or lack of but, you won’t be hurt so much anymore when they act in such way.

I agree you need to get some kind of talking therapy -and ideally one which will enable you to explore your family dynamic when you were growing up.
Add to that the "getting out", sunshine, fresh air, (vitamin D supplement) stuff. If you can get at least a temporary job (Christmas Post) - could help.

You could reach out to your sister - see what her perspective on growing up was like, she could well have felt a crushing pressure.

Very sorry that things have been so hard this last year FunkyKingston. A friend of mine who is childless feels har parents behave differently to her siblings with children so I don’t think it’s something you are being over sensitive about.

You don’t talk about your current relationship with your sister. It is quite possible she feels that your parents are over involved. Do you think your parents have turned their attention to your niece because they are actually not very good at having a supportive relationship with an adult child? I think it’s interesting that your sister was held up to you as the example even though she is younger.

I agree with other posters that you should try to keep in touch with your sister and niece. Being an uncle can be a great thing. At the same time, hard as it may be, try and focus on your own recovery. There’s a thread on the relationships board about parents and stately homes. There’s an explanation there for the title! You may find that a helpful read.

Read "toxic parents" by susan forward. Really helped me.

My mother is only interested in my younger brother and his child.

She never even asks how my children are.

Its my birthday next week so I get to play my annual game of birthday bingo :)

Will she remember ir not!!?? :)

Can you access any cbt for your depression?

This isn’t normal. My parents have many issues... but my sibling is unmarried without children and my parents have (rightly) supported them financially at low points and been proud of their achievements which look totally different to mine.
I think your description of your childhood sounds very lonely and sad. I’m sorry they made a relationship with your sister hard and didn’t offer you the kind of unconditional care and love you deserve.