Am I overreacting about playground rudeness?

[Whydoesitalwaysrainatpickup]

DD recently started reception and only 3 children from same pre school are in same primary school. One being my neighbours daughter. No idea what I or my daughter are meant to have done but she has been blanking me and upset my daughter on one occasion as also ignores her, and keeps her daughter from talking to mine?!! It's making me feel really insecure and anxious at every drop off and pick up. Trying to avoid by getting there early, and when I do see her I always say hello, morning or whatever and smile but get absolutely nothing back and feel I look an idiot to anyone watching as she literally blanks me! We have never been best friends or anything but always chatted on way to/from pre school, in the street etc. Was going to invite her daughter and a couple of others round for tea one day after school this week to try and smooth things over, although assume she will say yes and make last minute excuse, or just say no. How will I know if she's genuinely got plans or just doesn't want to come? I don't want to cause even more friction or even an argument by out right asking what the hell her problem is, but this is affecting me so much I'm considering moving house and or changing schools. Although this is the school I wanted for my daughter, but if this continues its only a matter of time before she upsets my DD again. WWYD? My DH is going to knock on their door and personally invite their daughter to tea to avoid any misunderstanding over messages with no tone of voice. As far as I know from the teacher the girls are playing nicely together at school and are good friends.

I had one mum I'd say hello to as we passed, she always gave me funny looks, then one day she blurted out "We don't know each other!"
The very next day we passed each other again, this time both with our sons. The two boys said hello to one another and us mums said nothing. I could never work out if she had mistaken me for a stranger until that moment, or if she meant that we didn't know each other well enough to say hello!

we had one conversation in which I made an effort to speak to her in her home language and since then I get glared at
Ooh, can be a bit dodgy - I know it from the other side, as a foreigner where I live: when my accent was more obvious, the other person might suddenly start speaking English mid-conversation, and it did always feel as if they were hinting that my language skills were so poor after 10 years that their school English would be a better choice!

Please just give it time. Put your effort - having other people's kids over for tea that you don't know isn't a breeze - to the people your daughter identifies that she likes. Let it develop.

Have you thought of getting involved in the PTA? Think about signing up to the Facebook group or similar to for the class.

Both these can be a nightmare but if you would like to make friends may be a good place to start.

Honestly, time flies after reception, why. You'll blink and DD will be in year 5, then 6, getting ready for big school. Plenty of time for breakfast clubs and after school clubs, which also make drop off and pick ups less awkward for you. Before you know it, you'll be waving her off and waiting on the street for her instead of even having to step foot in the playground.

I would continue to smile and say hi and leave it at that. If the children want to continue their friendship I would let them get on with it at school but not intervene in any way.

When DC was in infants school there a mum who was not dissimilar. Although my child and hers were on and off again friends I never got more from her than a nod in the playground. If my DC was visiting their house she would smile and be polite when I picked up but no more than that. If her DC were at mine she would wait in the car outside. If we were ever in the same group (PTA committee or helping out at an event) she would be perfectly normal and chatty in the presence of other people but revert to a stony silence when we were on our own. It used to trouble me and upset me.

All that is decades ago now and our DC are in their late 20s. My child and hers live away from home now but still meet up occasionally They went out on the town last weekend and had a riotous time. By a very strange coincidence that same day I went to a ‘hobby’ meeting about 60 miles away and the same mum was participating in the same team event as me. Despite having known one another for nearly a quarter of a century, knowing our DC were out together at that very moment and the quite odd coincidence of us both being at a quite niche event some distance from our home town she completely blanked me again and looked vaguely into the middle distance the couple of times I smiled her way. I have finally given up and have decided that there is nothing wrong with me. Whatever makes her behave like that is her problem not mine.

Oddly enough my DH knows her husband slightly and will occasionally have a pint with him at our local so the DH is fine and the kids are nice enough. It’s just this woman who is frosty.

I'd keep up with the dance class if your DD enjoys it - there are times when "friends out of school" are invaluable!

I would be smiley and friendly in the playground. Volunteer to help the PTA if you can (especially Fairs), and generally try to be friendly. If you worry about anything in school then do talk to the teacher.

One of my DS's friend's Mum - would blank me. It was a little tricky as my DS and her son were friends. The weirdest was one time she deigned to speak to me at a party she broke of mid-sentence when "someone better" appeared. She didn't notice the looks I and other parents exchanged about her rudeness.

But just try to be "friendly" in general, do do playdates with those your DD gets on with, and hopefully all will go well.

By all means ask her what the issue is. However You’re thinking of moving because of some clique exclusive bitch. When you put it into perspective thats a tad over dramatic, isn’t it. Surely she’s not that important

As far as I know she's aware of DD's autism but I've never really spoken to her about it, she's not a close enough friend, and generally I don't advertise it, rightly or wrongly I don't like her being labelled, she is my DD and should be seen for who she is not what label she's been given. I would hope she wouldn't be judged for her diagnosis but I guess it does happen, which I hadn't considered as the problem. I'm hoping she's just a miserable frosty cow not a prejudice narrow minded one
Thankfully DH home early so I don't have to do pick up ... Jackpot!

Why do you care?! She seems a weirdo. I had a neighbor do that once I assumed she was abit odd and thought no more of it. Moving house! You nutter ! ( meant kindly )

IF her problem is DD's autism (sincerely hope not, and guess she wouldn't say if it was?) Would that change your response to my orifinal post? WWYD and is there anything I can ask the school to do?

Did her child maybe tell her mama yours was pushing/kicking etc her or another child and a teacher didn't notice so didn't bring it up with you?

That's all I can think of!

What would you want the school to do in that case?

I could be wrong, and she sounds awful, but I'm wondering if she's concerned your dd's play only with each other? Could it be her misguided way of making sure her dd makes other friends?

Either way, don't let yourself react and your dd will hopefully mirror that. I wouldn't worry about her upsetting your dd. Don't approach her, or have your dh approach her. Just move on.

Ignore her. Invite some of the other DCs over after school. Focus on building new friendships for your DD.
If you're concerned at all about it impacting your DD at school then have a quiet word with the teacher. Just say you've noticed there seems to be an issue with the other mum not wanting the DCs to play together so can they keep an eye out to make sure it doesn't spill over into school (and just check with them that there haven't been any issues between the girls that could have caused this).
But as PPs have said, school playgrounds and pick ups are full of nonsense like this. I'm always grateful when people show me who they are. Then I can avoid them

My DD knows her by name and obviously her DD too so difficult to explain when she doesn't say hello back or wave back etc. That's why I try to avoid her now when with DD as that's what made her cry before when she outright ignored her and puller her DD along past us rather than letting her respond.
I'm not sure what school could or would do, but if this unfriendly behaviour is due to her ignorance then maybe some education wouldn't go amiss, although how they would reach the ignorant people I don't know. My DD has never been violent in any way. She started nursery age 2 and they were very helpful and supportive and told me everything. Never once was it said she had been violent or inappropriate. If anything she was a loner and would never stick up for herself. Of course if she has done something like kick or hit her DD then I would expect the school to tell me?

Yes I'd assume so too, that's why I suggested the teacher hadn't noticed. But if that's super unlikely than I have no idea! I'd ask her if the girls have had a fallout and see what she says.

Aaw - your poor dd - how could she be so mean as to not let her little friend just say hello. Some people are right weirdos.

My money is on either a. Your dd has done something to hers that she’s miffed about or b. She thinks you complained to nursery about the ‘dog’ incident and is peeved. This happened to my ds years ago, he had a massive red welt around his neck. I went and raised it at nursery (I was angry and concerned that they hadn’t noticed him being dragged around by the neck by a skipping rope ) they then told the other child’s dm and she was soooo embarrassed and apologetic - I told her I wasn’t annoyed with her or her ds (they were 3 after all!) but concerned that the nursery hadn’t noticed. We became good friends after that!

Either way she sounds like a very negative and/or nasty person. Ignore her, don’t give her the power to upset you.

You’re BU to overreact to this. Don’t let it bother you - continue to greet her politely by all means, but don’t engage and don’t try butter her up. You don’t need to invest any more energy into this.

Your DD will make loads of other friends. Give it time.

I’ve had a few similar experiences over the past few years except I didn’t live next door to any of them.

Your DD will make lots of new friends, my DD knew one boy who she didn’t really play with at Preschool, but now she has loads of friends! She’s now Y1 😊

With regarding to the Mum, from my experience, show her it doesn’t affect you. I know it does actually affect you, but if you show her you don’t care then it will end up making her feel the awkward one. If that makes sense. It’s one thing I’ve learnt to do over the years, and it was so difficult but long term it made me feel so much better. There’s a mum up my school, I’ve tried my hardest to speak to her because my DD is close to her DD. She only speaks to two mums. Last week I was talking to one of the two mums and she merrily strolled up, interrupted me and pushed up close to me so it would result me in moving. I stood my ground and didn’t move, I just gave her a sarcastic comment to whatever conversation she sparked up.

Another thing I’ve learnt also over the last few years is to stick with what you want. You like the school, therefore you need to stick with it. I wanted to move my DD Preschools 3 years ago because of this mum making me feel awful, I stuck it out and 3 months later she changed her DD Preschools. The girls were quite close too. Luckily she sent her DD to a different school in the area.

I know it’s difficult but as I’ve said previously, show her you don’t care and she will soon give up. Good luck!

So just an update if anyone following. DP went round and invited her DD for play and tea which she gratefully accepted. Was hoping things may have blown over and went off to school run feeling slightly more positive, to then be completely and utterly blanked by her again. I said hello and got no response, not even a smile. Actually avoiding eye contact completely. What have I done!?!?
We will have to wait and see if playdate actually happens and go from there, but if invite is later rejected I will make no further efforts at all, I just hope the children continue to get on well in school

So she dislikes (no big deal. You can’t win em all), but At the same time she’s okay for her daughter to be at your house.

She sounds barmy. She doesn't have to be best friends with you but blanking you is down right rude and just odd to be honest.

I have exactly the same problem with a school mum. For 3 years I have been breezily wishing her good morning and she has ignored me.

I used to be really hurt by it, then angry. Now I find it funny. It’s her problem, not mine.

I really am at a loss as to why you haven't just gone round and asked?
As for what could be the issue - you knew via chat on way to and from pre school she was hoping to try for a baby, yet you never told her you were pregnant - so your baby miraculously appeared and she heard from someone else and wondered why you didn't tell her!
I mean seriously?!?! You say you weren't close, I get that, but there's only you and 3 other houses/families in your cul de sac, your daughter's play together etc etc you're not total strangers!
So yes, your over reacting. Go, knock on her door and get it sorted out - like adults!

God what's wrong with some people??

It's ridiculously childish of her and if it's affecting you so much that you're considering moving then you need to make a decision about what you're going to do because that's no way to live.

Personally I would be very direct. I'd probably go round and just be blunt. Polite, but blunt.

If you don't feel able to do that, then as others have said, be breezy. Every time. Don't give her the power of her thinking you're stressing. And don't stress!
She's not worth it.

What have I done!?!?

Hard to know, if anything, given you have not spoken to her!

Can’t believe you haven’t approached her and said ‘I get the feeling I have done something to upset you. I have no idea what this may be but if it’s the case it wasn’t intentional and I’m sorry.’

I’d have to just ask her, I couldn’t ignore that. Best of luck!