Am I overreacting about playground rudeness?

[Whydoesitalwaysrainatpickup]

DD recently started reception and only 3 children from same pre school are in same primary school. One being my neighbours daughter. No idea what I or my daughter are meant to have done but she has been blanking me and upset my daughter on one occasion as also ignores her, and keeps her daughter from talking to mine?!! It's making me feel really insecure and anxious at every drop off and pick up. Trying to avoid by getting there early, and when I do see her I always say hello, morning or whatever and smile but get absolutely nothing back and feel I look an idiot to anyone watching as she literally blanks me! We have never been best friends or anything but always chatted on way to/from pre school, in the street etc. Was going to invite her daughter and a couple of others round for tea one day after school this week to try and smooth things over, although assume she will say yes and make last minute excuse, or just say no. How will I know if she's genuinely got plans or just doesn't want to come? I don't want to cause even more friction or even an argument by out right asking what the hell her problem is, but this is affecting me so much I'm considering moving house and or changing schools. Although this is the school I wanted for my daughter, but if this continues its only a matter of time before she upsets my DD again. WWYD? My DH is going to knock on their door and personally invite their daughter to tea to avoid any misunderstanding over messages with no tone of voice. As far as I know from the teacher the girls are playing nicely together at school and are good friends.

Have you posted about this before OP?

I'm 7 years into pick up. I am always friendly smile say hello.
If you meet someone you click with great otherwise don't put yourself in the centre.
I used to stand with a large group but they were often catty, shouting to try get a word in.
No thanks.

Thank you MissEliza that's given me some hope of getting past this. I just want my DD to be happy and enjoy school. It's such a big step I don't want anything putting her off going or making her upset

Your daughter will make plenty of friends at primary
Ignore or ask her if there is an issue is all u can do

do you have anxiety OP? moving houses and schools is a massive overreaction

Some people are just arseholes she might be one of them, am sure your DD will establish new friends. I certainly wouldn't be going out of my way to engage with her and inviting her dd round, in fact i would invite others from the class instead to try and widen friendship group.

Honestly OP your DD will meet lots of other friends, teachers constantly move things around and encourage interaction with all DC.
Don't let it cause you to worry, the DC are better at it than the adults.
My DD is on the spectrum too, she has a good mix of pals, she doesn't do commitment she is happy moving along nicely.

Just carry on as you are. Don’t invite her over, your daughter can certainly extend a play date to her friend at a later date. Just keeping saying ‘morning’ and leave her alone. If she used to be friendly and now she’s not then obviously something has happened, but for all you know it could be personal and nothing to do with you.

Concentrate on your relationships with the other mums. In my experience (3 years in now) many of the original mummy friendships I saw in Reception have drifted and people have now found their real friends. You have plenty of time to click with the other mums and by then your neighbour might have got over herself.

No not posted before. And definately not slept with her husband 🤣
I did wonder if she was jealous of our baby? She said a couple of years ago they were going to start seriously trying for a baby, not the kind of thing you drop into conversation, thought it was odd, as we are not that close, and when I was pregnant I did not make a point of telling them as I remembered that comment and didn't want to cause upset if they were struggling to conceive. But seriously if that is the problem, no need to upset my DD!

You are me 10 years ago. I live in a cul desac, in a village, one neighbour decided her kids were too good for mine and started a mini war where her kids bullied mine both at home and in school. And that all began with playing "dogs" as well - that seems to be the game of choice for fall outs, the nasty neighbour's DD had mine on a "lead"around her neck giving her instructions and hitting her if she disobeyed, they were 4!

Eventually, the nasty neighbour moved but I feel for you as it was so stressful having her on the doorstep felt like even our home wasn't a safe place with her kids outside taunting mine. So I agree with the grey rock technique but you know what, if you can to ask first then do so very briefly and then let it lie.

Thank you @EmeraldShamrock pleased to hear positive story. The paediatrician was very harsh in her diagnosis and emphasised how much support DD would need in school.....I was shocked. I know she has quirks but didn't think she would struggle as much as they think

I see your dd is on the spectrum. Unfortunately that is probably the answer. Honestly the fact that she has decided to blank your dd and you says more about her than it does about you.

I get it’s really awkward and it seems like there is such a long time between now and when your dd gets more independent. But trust me, the time will come. My dd wanted to play with the kids across the road, who lived with grandma for a while. She went over once, for half an hour and they never showed any interest in her or playing with her again. Mixture of ages, 2 older, one a year younger. Then there was a girl, who lived a few doors down for a year or so. The mum wasn’t interested either. It just is what it is. And yes, hurtful.

Get your dd interested in things, busy with other children. When the mother blanks you or your dd, shrug and say, oh dear, she is grumpy today. And then distract her with another child, lining up for school or whatever. Ensure your dd has a variety of play dates, failing that, get her involved in a couple of activities out of school so she gets plenty of practice of befriending children.

The playground is an awful minefield all to often. I’m so glad my dd is at secondary now.

I would just completely ignore her, neighbour or not. As for the two children involved, they will either continue being friends at school or they won't. You will have very limited ability to influence that, and the same goes for your neighbour.

Seriously, the only way is to stop giving a shit, as a pp has already said. There will be many, many times when your child makes or loses friends. It is very transient at their age and changes with the wind. You'll drive yourself round the bend if you feel this involved every time.

Your neighbour clearly doesn't want a close relationship of any kind with you, so stop greeting her and don't try to push it or question it. It is something you can't force.

I'm honestly very glad now that my youngest daughter will be leaving school for good next year. In primary school the playground politics between some parents had to be seen to be believed, and in secondary school that problem was replaced by the politics between adolescent teenagers.

I have a neighbour who ignores me OP.
Unfortunately our children are in the same school year but she has a boy and I have a girl so they don’t play together much. She would ignore me when I said hi to her. Both children were invited to a very small birthday party in someone’s house and the host said to her ‘x do you know Millie, she’s DD’s mum’ and x said no! I was open mouthed. I responded ‘oh, don’t you live in x Avenue?’ and she said yes and I said ‘I thought I recognised you, we are neighbours’ with a smile. She smiled awkwardly at me and then silence. She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the party.
It’s still really awkward! I ignore her now too! She still ignores me. Thank goodness our children aren’t close friends. She just obviously doesn’t like me!
I wouldn’t have it out with your neighbour. A quiet dignified silence should suffice.

OP I understand. I'd be really stressed by a neighbour whose child in my class treating me like that too. I'd want to ask her directly.

Chances are she's unreasonable and you won't get a proper answer.

Good luck.

You meet people at the school gate that you would not go near in any other circumstance. My kid had been at a different nursery and we knew nobody at school - mums in their little groups - I used to march up and say Hi and chat even when they were not friendly. Asked their kids to tea - they can't say no - eventually - I made some friends - my kid made friends. One mum would not speak to me at all and I used to laugh about it when the others asked why - said she was barking.

The woman sounds ridiculous and childish. Sorry OP that you have her as a neighbour!

Op you will find there are some odd parents in the school yard. One woman who lives near me, our sons are in the same class and have been since reception, some days she chatted to me and some days she point blank ignored me or barely smiled . I dont bother making an effort with her anymore, there are plenty more normal people around!

Life is too difficult as an adult for this kind of teenage crap.

OP I wish I could waltz in and be like "Oi, what is your problem with her?! Grow up man you moron."

It'd annoy me so much I'd demand to know in the end.

You really need to ask. Even if its awkward or whatever it will be less drawn out than all this thinking and worrying and strategy planning you are doing ATM!

I am in fear everyday of her rudeness affecting my daughter. As previously couldn't get her to go into classroom after she was shunned by them in the playground

Then please be aware how important it is to model behaviour to your DD that shows that these other people's rudeness is not her fault, or yours, & need to affect her. Or you.

I can understand if you have anxiety about this woman's attitude, but seriously ... enough to make you consider changing schools & moving home? No! That is NOT a solution, & not a reaction you want your DD to pick up on.

As she goes through life, DD is going to meet unreasonable, rude & manipulative people. Running away from this one is not the example she needs as she forms her own strategies for dealing with them.

Stay strong OP - this woman's idiocy simply does not need to be your problem. Your daughters play nicely together at school, & DD can also forge other friendships. Don't let 1 ignorant woman make a mountain out of what should just be a tiny molehill that you can comfortably ignore.

In what way has she upset your DD? You've made reference to it several times but haven't said. Although you did say that both children play together nicely at school, which is all that matters. Your DD will not be traumatised by you being blanked by another mum round at the school.
I think you need to read the signals: once or twice being blanked means you need to stop cheerily greeting her. An invite to the house is a bad idea. This isn't personal, you have no idea what could be 'wrong' with her.
Finally, you are not being bullied. Please don't diminish what that word actually means.

We live in a Cul-de-Sac, 10 kids, all go to the same school. Some days you get ignored, some days you wonder what you've done to upset someone. I think that's part of the problem of living in a cul-de-sac, you see and hear everybody's moves, feel obliged to wave at every one walking past your window, etc etc. Some days all kids play nicely, some days they fall out, some neighbours see each other socially, some don't. You can't get on with every single neighbour, we don't make a huge effort with everyone, they are neighbours, nothing more than that. We may have a cup of tea every now and then, and chat in the street, but certainly won't want them as friends, far too close for comfort.

There's a mum at my DS school, who blanks me and actively goes out of her way to avoid me. To this day I have absolutely no idea what I've done, or not done. Our boys are friends and I have no problem with them playing together. The problem isn't mine, it's definitely hers, so I've just let it slide. Annoyingly, however, she talks quite happily to my DM when it's her turn to collect!
My DS has made lots of friends at school (he's now in Yr 1) so I personally wouldn't worry too much about it.

If she has known you for a while, has she been supportive about your daughters autism diagnosis?

I only ask (and was asking if youd posted about this before) as there was a similar thread about this the other day. It started when her daughter was diagnosed with autism and suddenly the mum who had been her friend was ignoring her and trying to get her daughter to play with others in the playground.

It was clear to all the posters that nasty mum didnt want her daughter to be friends with a child with autism. Maybe she thought it was catching.

I wonder if something similar could be going on here? In which case there is no point saying anything to the other mum, she is not suddenly going to admit she is ignorant and prejudiced and trying to encourage her daughter to be the same. She is not worth engaging with and I'd ignore her while still being polite to the daughter. If her daughter overtly says anything to yours such as 'my mum says I cant play with you're then I would take that up with the school directly and they can do some work on including everybody

Thank you all for support, I'm actually laughing about some of these comments now 🤣
There was me ignorantly thinking that DD starting school was a whole new world of freedom and happiness for us both! How wrong could I be!
I enrolled her in a dance class near the school she goes to in the hope she would meet friends going to the same school, but they all seem to go to the school in the opposite direction! But good practice at making new friendships none the less.
Unfortunately there are no after school clubs for reception age otherwise I would see if she was interested in one to help her integrate with class mates.