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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at childfree aunt?

76 replies

Humbugsymalone · 30/09/2019 09:59

Name changed . as Im fairly certain aunt is on here, and I don't want her to read my other posts.

My aunt (mum's sister) was unable to hve children with her husband. This caused her a lot of pain, and for whatever reason she decided she didn't want to adobt.

Growing up, me and sister were close to aunt. My mum made sure to include her on days out, saw her a t Christmas etc. So she became a sort of second mum.

She can be cruel to my mum at times, ignoring her, saying mean things to her. My mun finds this bizarre and hurtful, and doesn't know why she does it. I susect aunt is lashing out when my mum has been insenstive (talking constantly about children, saying things like 'there's no love like the love you have for your children in her presence Hmm'.

Their relationship got worse after I had cchildren, I think because my aunt found it hard that my mum was a grandma and she wasn't, but that's just speculation on my part.

Anyway, I want my children to have a good relationship with her, as I love her. We make an effort to spend time together, and she adore's my two boys. But, she oversteps the mark at times. I don't mind my boys having treats and junk food, but within normal limits (i.e. after a meal). My aunt has a massive problem with this, and has told my mum and sister that I'm massively controlling around food, and that I'm a hippocrite because 'I like chocolate as well.'

My aunt will literally, the moment we see each other, bring out a bag of sweets or chocolates and start hand feeding my boys. The other day, when we were out for a meal, she gave DS five two small bags of haribo, a bag of maltesers and a small chocolate lolly, and was furious with me for putting them in my bag saying he could have 1-2 after he'd had some food. I feel like she wants to be the one who gives them to him, so she can be the 'favourite'. Which I don't mind, but it's just so over the top.

I saw her the other day and she was really off with me. I feel really annoyed with her for being inappropriate and making the time we have together all about sweets, and forcing me to be the 'bad guy' all the time in the face of an insane amount of treats. But I also feel guilty, as I know the reason she acts like this is she was devastated not to have children, and just really wants my boys to love her.

I don't think I'm controlling around food, my kids eat loads of crap and I'm not that bothered, they are both healthy weights. I just want them to eat some normal food as well, and not 'binge' on bags and bags of stuff when they are so little? My Mum and sister also agree her behaviour is odd.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/09/2019 10:04

No YANBU and you know it.

Yes, your Aunt probably has issues about not being able to have her own kids; but that doesn't mean she can ply yours with loads of crap, especially when you have made it clear that you don't want her to.

You'll just have to be consistent and keep telling her why. A pain in the arse, but at least you are making an effort to involve her in your lives.

ColaFreezePop · 30/09/2019 10:06

Why don't you redirect? Tell her that your children prefer doing a certain activity with her over someone else e.g. going to one particular playground and want to do it more.

Bibidy · 30/09/2019 10:35

Childfree or not, what she's doing is unreasonable. Or more accurately, her reaction to what you're doing is unreasonable.

She has given the boys some treats and they will have them, you're not chucking them in the bin. It's perfectly fine for you to say they can have some after dinner, I'm sure that's what most people would do?!

BlingLoving · 30/09/2019 10:50

I think there are a lot of people who, whether they had children or not, seem to think that sweets and chocolates etc are a way to show love and if parents try to stop it, it's controlling and mean.

My view on this kind of thing is always about regularity. MIL can be a bit OTT with treats for the kids when we go to visit her. But as we visit no more than once a year for a couple of weeks, I let it go. when she visits us, usually for about 4-6 weeks, I ask her to be a little less treats focused and, mostly, she respects that (although her view of a "treat" when she takes the kids out for lunch/tea is mine are very different and cause some tension! Grin )

If your aunty is seeing the DC regularly, her behaviour is not okay. And I'd be pointing out to her that if she loves them so much why is she encouraging such unhealthy behaviour that is bad for their weight, teeth, overall health. If she only seems them once every month or so, I'd let it go.

Missingsandraohingreys · 30/09/2019 10:53

If you love her and want to save the relationship try and spend some quality child free time . Treat her as you would a friend and just hang out ? Then assesss

pepsirolla · 30/09/2019 10:54

You should really tell her straight that you love her ( despite the way she treated your mother) and you are sure your boys will love her too without being bribed. Surely it's best that they want to be with her because she is fun and kind and not just because she hands out sweets.

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2019 10:55

My mum does this with my nieces and nephews. It’s not because she’s child free. Some people are just like this with kids.

You need to talk to her away from the children and explain that they can’t have that many sweets all in one go. Is she giving them sweets just before meals? That’s an odd thing to do.

Bellringer · 30/09/2019 11:04

Suggest she buys them fruit, or a book, comic, crayons.....

mankyfourthtoe · 30/09/2019 11:13

Yes to other gifts but maybe tell her that the children love spending time with her and she doesn't have to buy them things for them to love her.

MrsDimmond · 30/09/2019 11:13

Have you talked about it or do you both just keep repeating the same behaviours again and again?

And, I mean genuinely talk? Not tell her what she's doing wrong.

I may be wrong, but your post references her childlessness so much that I wonder if your Aunt picks up on this and feels patronised or pitied?

AutumnRose1 · 30/09/2019 11:17

Her being childfree has nothing to do with this

Plenty of people, sadly, think this is a way to make kids happy.

zingally · 30/09/2019 11:22

Redirect, redirect.

Drop casually into conversation, "You know Aunt? Little Soandso absolutely LOVES going to the swings with you! He has so much fun when you take him to the park!"

Or maybe, "Little Soandso couldn't stop talking about that time you took him swimming! He loved it!"

Try and redirect her love into something a little... healthier! Or maybe next time you take the kids round hers, take round something foodie they could do together, like cutting up a melon, or making a fruit salad. Kids just want to have attention, they won't care what they're doing, they just want someone loving to hang on their every random word!

KOKOtiltomorrow · 30/09/2019 11:26

I feel your pain OP. My MIL was like this - she used to take the DC for 10 mins in the morning then drop them at school - they would have breakfast at home, brush teeth and then I would drop them off. In the 10 mins, she would give them mint aero mousse yogurt, chocolate digestives cracker and sunny D orange juice. And she didn't make them brush their teeth after. They started refusing breakfast so they could eat more crap at hers. I got told that the 50-50 white/wholemeal bread was "child abuse" - not joking. I don't have any solutions - we tried and tried and then they ended up walking to school from home and buying shit at the shops!

ImNotYourGranny · 30/09/2019 11:28

My mum did this with mine. I think you're right, it's an attempt to secure their love through food. My mum was furious with me because I wouldn't let her feed my 6 week old baby chocolate buttons.

Rainbowknickers · 30/09/2019 11:29

My mother used to do this
It was about her being in control
‘Oh look lovely nanna gives you crap but nasty mummy takes it away again!’
In my case I told her to respect my rules or sod off-my kids my rules
(She sodded off)

Winterlife · 30/09/2019 11:29

My mother did this. She also introduced them to McDonald’s. I just tolerated it. They are grown now, and two of them don’t like sweets at all. My daughter does, but doesn’t eat them often. None of them eat junk food.

Bucatini · 30/09/2019 11:39

YANBU - this would really annoy me too. She has to learn to respect your rules.

JoObrien7 · 30/09/2019 11:46

@Humbugsymalone

You are not being unreasonable .. I was a child in the 70s and we rarely saw any fat children and now they are everywhere. Also there a lot of overweight adults - I blame fast food and fizzy drinks.

toomuchtooold · 30/09/2019 11:47

Have you talked about it or do you both just keep repeating the same behaviours again and again? And, I mean genuinely talk? Not tell her what she's doing wrong

I agree. You love the the woman so treat her with some respect. Tell her what is on your mind. Tell her you're worried that if you give them that many sweets, it's going to affect their health. Tell her it's not necessary and that, as other have suggested, there are other treats she could give them if she wanted like wee toys or a trip out or whatever. Don't tiptoe round it, don't treat her like some fragile vessel because she didn't have kids, the woman's been in that situation for what about 30 years, I'm sure she's come to terms with it in her own way, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if this whole "don't upset dear Aunty, she couldn't have children" thing started with your cheeky cow of a mother. Never know the love you have for children. FFS that's not insensitive, it's an attempt to twist the knife.

Nousernameforme · 30/09/2019 11:48

Blame it on the dentist?
Maybe try and tell her you want the kids to get to know her better and not just be pleased to see her for the sweeties. Let her know if there are any magazines they would prefer that she could get instead and how they would get so much more fun out of those.

Ofc that depends as to whether you want a positive relationship with her or not. If it's not so much of an issue then just tell her no it's too much pack it in.

Sparadrap · 30/09/2019 11:57

Of course yanbu about the sweets. However, I would be more concerned by the obvious cruel streak she has. Whether or not she is like that due to not having children is irrelevant. It sounds like she has been awful to your mum and is also not that kind to you, calling you massively controlling and a hypocrite. Not being able to have children doesn’t give you free reign to be unpleasant. I’d be calling her out about that rather than the sweets.

5zeds · 30/09/2019 12:00

she’s subfertile not an orchid. Be direct, explain how and when she can give your kids sweets and that it’s non negotiable.

Teddybear45 · 30/09/2019 12:07

If they eat ‘lots of crap’ usually then stop the crap at home and only allow it when they are being spoiled by their grandparents and great-aunt. If you want your kids to have a grandparent type relationship with your aunt then you need to give her the same trust as you do your mum and stay out of their sibling drama.

Timandra · 30/09/2019 12:07

Ask her to keep the sweets in her bag until after the children have eaten. Then she still gets the glory when she hands them over and you don't need to confiscate them.

Beautiful3 · 30/09/2019 12:10

Yanbu. Of course you dont want your child to consume all of that junk before dinner. My dad used to fo the same with a bag filled with junk. It got to a point where the children started saying no more sweets thank you. Thank goodness its stopped. Now he gives them money each time they visit which they save up.

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