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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at childfree aunt?

76 replies

Humbugsymalone · 30/09/2019 09:59

Name changed . as Im fairly certain aunt is on here, and I don't want her to read my other posts.

My aunt (mum's sister) was unable to hve children with her husband. This caused her a lot of pain, and for whatever reason she decided she didn't want to adobt.

Growing up, me and sister were close to aunt. My mum made sure to include her on days out, saw her a t Christmas etc. So she became a sort of second mum.

She can be cruel to my mum at times, ignoring her, saying mean things to her. My mun finds this bizarre and hurtful, and doesn't know why she does it. I susect aunt is lashing out when my mum has been insenstive (talking constantly about children, saying things like 'there's no love like the love you have for your children in her presence Hmm'.

Their relationship got worse after I had cchildren, I think because my aunt found it hard that my mum was a grandma and she wasn't, but that's just speculation on my part.

Anyway, I want my children to have a good relationship with her, as I love her. We make an effort to spend time together, and she adore's my two boys. But, she oversteps the mark at times. I don't mind my boys having treats and junk food, but within normal limits (i.e. after a meal). My aunt has a massive problem with this, and has told my mum and sister that I'm massively controlling around food, and that I'm a hippocrite because 'I like chocolate as well.'

My aunt will literally, the moment we see each other, bring out a bag of sweets or chocolates and start hand feeding my boys. The other day, when we were out for a meal, she gave DS five two small bags of haribo, a bag of maltesers and a small chocolate lolly, and was furious with me for putting them in my bag saying he could have 1-2 after he'd had some food. I feel like she wants to be the one who gives them to him, so she can be the 'favourite'. Which I don't mind, but it's just so over the top.

I saw her the other day and she was really off with me. I feel really annoyed with her for being inappropriate and making the time we have together all about sweets, and forcing me to be the 'bad guy' all the time in the face of an insane amount of treats. But I also feel guilty, as I know the reason she acts like this is she was devastated not to have children, and just really wants my boys to love her.

I don't think I'm controlling around food, my kids eat loads of crap and I'm not that bothered, they are both healthy weights. I just want them to eat some normal food as well, and not 'binge' on bags and bags of stuff when they are so little? My Mum and sister also agree her behaviour is odd.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TriDreigiau · 30/09/2019 12:10

I was going to write pretty much what BlingLoving has.

I was stricter when they were yonger as well - and ignored the upset and kept a very close on on the kids so they couldn't be taken off and told/given stuff.

If the visits aren't frequent it's easier to shrug it off - though I do wonder if it will then manisfest as other things being undermined- in which case you have to teach the kids that what you say goes and is final.

Teddybear45 · 30/09/2019 12:10

I find it a bit shocking to be honest that you’ve pulled her up on something that can’t be happening very often. Be careful that your mum isn’t influencing her behaviour. She very well could be antagonising her sister deliberately or feeding her misinformation about your ‘food issues’.

Wiltshirelass2019 · 30/09/2019 12:17

Having been through infertility I can’t imagine how she’s dealt with not having children. My great aunt was similar and it really affected her terribly all the way into her 90s.
(Adoption isn’t an answer for people with infertility by the way!)

I would try and turn it on it’s head and ask her to help you with healthy activitys with children like going for a country walk or the playground. Perhaps growing some veg?

MrsRufusdog789 · 30/09/2019 12:26

This reply has been deleted

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GreenTulips · 30/09/2019 12:29

Put a bag of haribos in a jug of water and show her how they swell and fill the kids stomachs!

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2019 12:30

You and your mother have been as sensitive as you can be about her childlessness.

Did you miss this? I susect aunt is lashing out when my mum has been insenstive (talking constantly about children, saying things like 'there's no love like the love you have for your children in her presence

Believe me if she had really longed for a child or children she would have either adopted or fostered

This is utter nonsense. Adoption and fostering are wonderful things but not for everyone. Not everyone passes the checks. Not everyone is wants to adopt. That doesn’t mean they didn’t desperately want to be a mother.

scittlescatter · 30/09/2019 12:34

No, yanbu at all.

It's up to you to set rules re sweets and your children.

The only thing you can do is communicate clearly to your aunt. Maybe along the lines of 'the children really love spending time with you, how about doing x activity they really love, and only sweets after food.'

I have similar issues with a family member constantly giving my children an obscene amount of sweets. I have tried asking many times not to do so. Unfortunately they don't listen, so I am now taking the sweets and donating them elsewhere.

ppeatfruit · 30/09/2019 12:40

I'm not so sure that the 70s were better with the sweets etc. IMO and E a lot of children and adults are so much bigger now is due to driving, or being driven, everywhere and mainly the screens that everyone is stuck to .

It's true that Grandparents, aunts and uncles etc have ALWAYS sought to buy love with sweets, chox etc. It's ok occasionally.

Lavalump · 30/09/2019 12:54

Unfortunately she sounds like a very immature woman and that is probably good enough reason not to have been a parent

Wow! So parents are only ever perfect mature people?

Drabarni · 30/09/2019 13:04

Anyone in this position needs to put their foot down, remind them about obesity in childhood and their teeth dropping out.
Thank them for the sweets and tell them you'll donate to school or church on their behalf.

Skysblue · 30/09/2019 14:23

Yanbu. You need to have a word with her saying you understand that she wants to be generous and that is lively, but the situation at the moment is undermining your family rules and confusing DC and you can’t let that continue.

If she can’t respect ‘your children your rules’ then you may need to see a bit less of her until she changes her behaviour.

I get that she has had a horribly tough time but that’s no excuse for undermining your parenting.

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 30/09/2019 14:32

YANBU. I had a similar situation with a relative of mine and my DS.

I had a chat with them. Explained DS loved them dearly and there was no need for presents but if they wanted to give him something could it be not food. Some suggestions I gave were a pack of bubbles, a new ball, a toy car. All the same sort of price as sweets. I also suggested if they wanted to they could treat them less often but in a slightly bigger way like a trip to the cinema or the local farm. They do a mixture of both now and it’s great.

FishCanFly · 30/09/2019 14:42

How old are your boys? Maybe you should teach them rules that they're only allowed treats for afters, and its their duty to stick to those rules.

Straycatstrut · 30/09/2019 16:04

My ex's side of the family do this, trying to be the "fave side" full share bags of chocolates/jellies every time they see them, trips to McDs. It's ridiculous! You should see Christmas - we literally have about 20 selection boxes and 50 chocolate santas.

OMG Easter!! you can't move for the flipping eggs.

I wish there was something I could do about it because I end up crushing them all down and binning them and it feels like such a waste.

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2019 16:23

It’s a shame she’s labelled as the “childless aunt” rather than the one who won’t listen to you about sweets.

Wiltshirelass2019 · 30/09/2019 16:31

It’s sad how much hate there is for infertile woman on this thread. Very disturbing

Original poster
Humbugsymalone · 30/09/2019 17:18

Thanks for all the replies.

To clarify a few points:
I have spoken to her about it, said I don't want them having sweets before dinner, then can have a couple of treats but not a whole bag etc. She just laughs it off or makes barbed comments. SO the last time we saw her, I took them off DS and put them in my bag, which is why she's annoyed at me. I've said: I don't mind them having treats, but not before meals and not loads directly. I'm not sure what else I can say, really.

I don't want to make any assumptions about all people with fertility issues. The reason I mentioned it is I know it has been very, very painful for her, she mentions it all the time and gets upset. She loves children, and wants close relationships with them, and I think this is where the insistance that 'she be allowed to give them what she likes' comes from. So, I suppose I mention it as I feel guilty, as I have something she desperately wanted, and I'm 'being mean' to her. I don't know.

My mum isn't a bad person, she wouldn't want to hurt aunts feelings ever. She can just be a bit insensitive, and not realise how much something would hurt her, I don't know why. Talking about someone 'having a family' instead of having a baby, without thought to how that might be seen by someone who hasn't had children etc. Mum will then be perplexed when aunt makes a dig about her weight or a comment to hurt her, when it's obvious she is pissed off at a comment like that.

I think I'm just going to be firm, and stand my ground but without causing any unnecessary drama.

OP posts:
Original poster
Humbugsymalone · 30/09/2019 17:24

Also - my mum is definitely not trying to make my aunt feel shit about her infertility issues, my mum gets upset about it as well, and would be/is mortified if she realised she had offended her. She encouraged us all to be close as she loves aunt dearly.

OP posts:
Fatshedra · 30/09/2019 17:32

Does she really want to spend so much time with DCs. If they are stuffing their faces she can't really play with them.
I am a DGM and feel very different to my perfect DGCs compared to my DGN/Nephew, who are cute and I like to see occasionally but are not the same to me.
Perhaps just you go out with her without DCs.

ppeatfruit · 30/09/2019 20:17

Wiltshire What? Woah. I've never noticed ANY hate for infertile women on here Hmm.

WaterSheep · 30/09/2019 20:24

What? Woah. I've never noticed ANY hate for infertile women on here

Did you miss MrsRufusdog789 post? Confused

ppeatfruit · 30/09/2019 20:31

That post was more unpleasant about Grans. IMO. I You could say from that ONE post that everyone hates Grans on here which of course would be wrong (hopefully Grin) ) MIL's possibly, more than grans.

Parttimewasteoftime · 30/09/2019 20:42

Football stickers saved me my two are only grandchildren only nephews (childless so far DBs) and I have two childless Aunty's (different circumstances). They are spoiled by all but just said oh they collecting world Cup match attacks that be better etc. Also would your Aunt do special things ie go cinema my Aunt does this asks checks first? You sound lovely OP is hard when you want so much for a child to like you.

CharityConundrum · 30/09/2019 21:29

Could you redirect her way of showing love to something that your boys would love but that wouldn't necessarily buy e.g comics or logo t-shirts or something that you can feign disapproval of so that it's a real treat for them, she gets to pretend to sneak them something that mummy wouldn't buy them and you can 'look the other way' without worrying. Would you be able to talk to her frankly about it and explain that you want to find a way for her to spoil them without giving them diabetes or tooth decay!

SpringStory · 01/10/2019 17:57

to be honest it wouldnt be her attitude to the sweets that would offend me....it would be her attitude towards you. she clearly has no respect for you as a parent. You try to include her and love her and she treats you like that. she has bitched about you to family members (saying youre controlling), ignores your request in regards to YOUR children, is really off with you when she doesnt get her own way and clearly doesnt listen. I would have a chat with her and tell her this cant go on. it will only get worse and she is showing your children that you have no authority and do not need respect.

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