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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at childfree aunt?

76 replies

Humbugsymalone · 30/09/2019 09:59

Name changed . as Im fairly certain aunt is on here, and I don't want her to read my other posts.

My aunt (mum's sister) was unable to hve children with her husband. This caused her a lot of pain, and for whatever reason she decided she didn't want to adobt.

Growing up, me and sister were close to aunt. My mum made sure to include her on days out, saw her a t Christmas etc. So she became a sort of second mum.

She can be cruel to my mum at times, ignoring her, saying mean things to her. My mun finds this bizarre and hurtful, and doesn't know why she does it. I susect aunt is lashing out when my mum has been insenstive (talking constantly about children, saying things like 'there's no love like the love you have for your children in her presence Hmm'.

Their relationship got worse after I had cchildren, I think because my aunt found it hard that my mum was a grandma and she wasn't, but that's just speculation on my part.

Anyway, I want my children to have a good relationship with her, as I love her. We make an effort to spend time together, and she adore's my two boys. But, she oversteps the mark at times. I don't mind my boys having treats and junk food, but within normal limits (i.e. after a meal). My aunt has a massive problem with this, and has told my mum and sister that I'm massively controlling around food, and that I'm a hippocrite because 'I like chocolate as well.'

My aunt will literally, the moment we see each other, bring out a bag of sweets or chocolates and start hand feeding my boys. The other day, when we were out for a meal, she gave DS five two small bags of haribo, a bag of maltesers and a small chocolate lolly, and was furious with me for putting them in my bag saying he could have 1-2 after he'd had some food. I feel like she wants to be the one who gives them to him, so she can be the 'favourite'. Which I don't mind, but it's just so over the top.

I saw her the other day and she was really off with me. I feel really annoyed with her for being inappropriate and making the time we have together all about sweets, and forcing me to be the 'bad guy' all the time in the face of an insane amount of treats. But I also feel guilty, as I know the reason she acts like this is she was devastated not to have children, and just really wants my boys to love her.

I don't think I'm controlling around food, my kids eat loads of crap and I'm not that bothered, they are both healthy weights. I just want them to eat some normal food as well, and not 'binge' on bags and bags of stuff when they are so little? My Mum and sister also agree her behaviour is odd.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 01/10/2019 18:11

YANBU, it’s a kind of bribery. I had this problem with a parent at school (basically bribing my child to play with hers) and now they don’t play together. Also remember getting flamed when I posted about it, though!

Kate0902900908 · 01/10/2019 18:24

I myself don’t have any children, still trying but doesn’t look likely.
My sisters have children and so I have 4 nieces and 2 nephews. I spoil them with gifts I know my sisters would struggle to pay for and make time to do silly things my sisters don’t have time for BUT I would never ever go against there wishes or feed them copious amounts of sugary foods. I wouldn’t allow my own children ( if I had any ) to do that so why would I do that to my sisters children. One of my sisters children is vegan and it’s my sisters choice to allow her to live that lifestyle so I always make sure I follow what my sister does because she is in charge.

I would sit her down, call her up or send her a letter and explain ..

You are my favourite auntie and I see you as a second mother and second grandmother but I need you to understand..

And explain

It’s all you can do!

Xx

CleansUpDragonPoo · 01/10/2019 19:03

ColaFreezePop Mon 30-Sep-19 10:06:51
"Why don't you redirect? Tell her that your children prefer doing a certain activity with her over someone else e.g. going to one particular playground and want to do it more."

@ColaFreezePop's advice sounds good, try that along the lines of "anyone can give them sweets, and you know that's not good for them, but only you, their favourite auntie, can spend such special time with them".

colourlessgreenidea · 01/10/2019 19:13

Name changed . as Im fairly certain aunt is on here, and I don't want her to read my other posts.

Well, the name-change might stop her reading your other posts, but if she is on here and she reads this, she’ll definitely recognise herself, and so you’ve pretty much fucked your relationship with her for good.

Bluetac19 · 01/10/2019 19:25

Stop trying to psycho analyse her. As a childless person I would despise you doing this to me.

FelicisNox · 01/10/2019 19:40

There are a couple of people missing the point on this thread (shock horror).

OP's mother is not a "cheeky cow" nor is this issue about "sibling drama".

This is about an aunt trying to buy her nieces affections with rubbish, over stepping her boundaries and then making the OP out to be the person in the wrong.

That's it. Nothing else.

OP... talk to her on her own. Make your boundaries clear and explain the reasons why. Then continue as you are.

Your kids, your rules.

MiaMee · 01/10/2019 20:34

I had the same with my MIL. After many arguments, I've told her that if she really wants to bring a treat she could buy kids: string or strip cheese, a fruit or cheese crackers. She stopped bringing sweets cause it was easier to buy some crap from Poundland than going to buy fresh fruit. I also suggested that she could buy a book from time to time instead of sweets as my kids love reading. When my son was at Reception, I told MIL that she could get him one of the Phonics bug books so he can read more at home. She lied the idea.
Oh and for Easter my kids want books and a small chocolate instead of a big choc egg.
You could tell your aunt to bring some stickers or activity books instead of sweets.
After many fights, now she brings books, or board games. Sweets only occasionally

hiddenworlds · 01/10/2019 20:43

and for whatever reason she decided she didn't want to adobt.

Adoption of babies hasn't been common for at least 50 years. It probably wasn't a choice.

LovePoppy · 01/10/2019 20:53

Can you tell her that her actions are going to lead to her having a terrible relationship with you?

It’s sad she couldn’t have kids, but you and yours aren’t ready made substitutes

Stop letting her get away with this bullshit. Call her out. She’s bullying you.

LovePoppy · 01/10/2019 21:00

@Teddybear45 If they eat ‘lots of crap’ usually then stop the crap at home and only allow it when they are being spoiled by their grandparents and great-aunt

Why on earth should OP give up the fun times so other people can do it instead? Boggles the mind

Callaird · 01/10/2019 21:25

I can’t have children, I love children, which is just as well as I’m a nanny!

I have an almost 3 year old niece who I totally adore. I spoil her but not with junk! I take her out and do fun things with her, scrabbling around soft play, take her swimming, take her to the cinema (and treat her to an ice cream, after lunch!) and out for brunch/lunch/tea.

She loves me too! Although she does call me Tortoise!!!

There are many ways to spoil a child, junk food is one of the worse.

Notodontidae · 01/10/2019 21:41

Children are often sympathetic to the home rules, even though they themselves break them. A two pronged attack is required, firstly contact your aunt and explain your concerns, and that you feel so strongly about it, that even though you love her, it puts you off going round. Second tell your children to only eat one if your Aunt gives them bags of sweets, and that you will have to hold on to them. Schools enforce the reduction in sweets, so they will be well aware of the reason why you need to take them away.

Trainwardrobe · 01/10/2019 21:45

Woah having just found out I’m infertile and currently having some very dark days, Some of these deductions and statements about childless women are so upsetting. Thanks to those who have said hold on a moment.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 01/10/2019 21:55

@Trainwardrobe I'm so sorry to hear that. I've been there and all I can tell,you is that one day you will find that the darkest days get fewer and you do begin to see a life that is ok.

It was a bit spiteful of the OP to mention her aunts reproductive state to be honest, because for some posters thar suddenly became the main point of the post and not the behaviour of this person. No aunt, whether they have children or not, should disrespect the parents choices over something as fundamental as what they are given to eat.

However, several comments from the OP and other people on the thread are a bit unreasonable towards this person and are not about the actual issue being discussed.

Trainwardrobe · 01/10/2019 22:08

Thank you so much Leighhalfpenny for your kind words of hope ❤️

CleansUpDragonPoo · 01/10/2019 22:29

@Leighhalfpennysthigh, I'm not sure it was spiteful to mention the aunt's childless state, I think it's very pertinent to the issue being discussed, ie the over-indulgence in sugar when specifically requested to hold back, as if the aunt had her own children, she might empathise more with the boundaries being set by the parent because she would have done the same for her own children.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/10/2019 02:00

Yanbu generally but OP did you literally take the sweets away and not even let her give DC a single one?

My dad is a shocker for wanting to treat the kids with sugar, I let them have 1 or 2 from him on the spot as a treat, and put the rest away to be rationed out at more appropriate times/eaten by mummy. But i think it's a bit mean to not even let the child have one sweet Hmm. She is probably pushing it constantly because you don't even let her have the satisfaction of seeing the kids have a single tiny treat.

OooErMissus · 02/10/2019 03:26

@Humbugsymalone - if you think your Aunt is on Mumsnet, and so likely to read this that you've had to name change, why didn't you just raise the issue with her, and discuss it like an adult?

If she comes across this thread, where you've laid out your family history, her infertility issues, and made a load of (hurtful) assumptions about her to boot, it will surely be the absolute end of your relationship?

Confused

I am gob-smacked, to be honest.

OooErMissus · 02/10/2019 03:32
Chocolatelover45 · 02/10/2019 04:13

@CleansUpDragonPoo
Did you miss all the PP saying that their parents /in laws hand out sweets constantly? It's nothing to do with being childless.
My in laws are ridiculous with the sweets too. FIL will light a cigarette with his baby granddaughter on his lap, whilst telling her how much he loves her. Some people just don't equate love with caring about the child's health!

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 02/10/2019 10:28

@CleansUpDragonPoo nit necessarily. How many threads in here are about MIL/DM etc who have obviously brought up children and yet still ignore a parents wishes?

Ablemaybel · 02/10/2019 11:22

My mother did this when my DC were young.
We had many disagreements over it but it never stopped her. The kids began looking forward to visiting nanna because they knew it meant sweets, chocolate and junk.

After a big disagreement leading up to Christmas, one of my mother's presents to DC was a wall plate which had written on it "if mother says no ask grandma).

lastofthewintergin · 02/10/2019 13:40

A bit late to this thread but... YANBU. My Mum does this with my DS - makes me be the bad guy and sets him zero boundaries herself.
Culminated a couple of years ago in us having the most enormous row at Christmas and not speaking for almost 2 years! He is older now and I have kept a little more distance, so it's not as bad as it was when he was 2 - stuffing a 2 year old with endless sweets will never end well. Like you, there is more going on in the background. I won't go into it but with my mum there is resentment about something, in a similar way to how there is with your aunt. You have my sympathies OP x

monkeymonkey2010 · 02/10/2019 15:10

OP - this Aunt of yours has had you all walking on eggshells around her for years and kowtowing to her 'sensitivities' .
Actually, she sounds like an immature, nasty and spiteful person who is full of bitterness and jealousy that 'other people' are able to 'have' what she cannot.

I have spoken to her about it, said I don't want them having sweets before dinner, then can have a couple of treats but not a whole bag etc. She just laughs it off or makes barbed comments
Sounds like she still wants to be able make 'parent' decisions, but knows it isn't her place, so she doesn't care if her actions have negative consequences for anyone, and if you take back control then she chooses to be nasty and spiteful about it.

She's conditioning you to accept her bullshit just like your mum has been doing all these years.
Your mum went out of her way to involve Aunt so she could also 'enjoy' bringing up children, but it seems this still wasn't enough for Aunt.
Instead she turns NORMAL conversations from your mum about her dc/feelings and makes it all about herself again - the perpetual victim Hmm

Now you're doing the same as your mum - pandering to your Aunt's perceived feelings/needs and allowing her manipulations to blur your boundaries.

Aunt is an aunt - she is not mum^ and has no right to over-rule your decisions when it concerns your dc.
It sounds like she's still trying to play out her own fantasy of being a mum, hence why she's so controlling about the areas when she is able to have any input.

Stop pandering to her.
Stop enabling her abusive behavior.
She doesn't have a 'right' to be involved with your dc, that's a privilege - and if she can't/won't treat YOU with respect then she doesn't deserve to be around your dc.

CripsSandwiches · 02/10/2019 15:14

OP you sound incredibly sensitive and kind. You're right that it's an insane amount of sweets to be dolling out and I'd want to approach her sensitively.