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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister is being slightly petty?

73 replies

Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 06:56

My sister had her baby about 6 months ago. To this day she hasn't told our dad he has a grandson! She lives in Switzerland so barely see each other but still.

The reason why is (and bare with me as it gets complicated here) my auntie (so my father's sister) is claiming the private pension of my uncle (my mother's brother) as they were once married bit never had a financial settlement. My sister was named the beneficiary but my auntie has been able to claim instead.

My DM and sister are annoyed with my DF and this haven't told him about the baby. My DF just days that he's caught in the middle and rather not get involved but if she wants to prosecute/press charges he has her blessing.

Whenever I talk to my dad o can mention my nephew because to him.he doesn't exist. I'm having a baby myself due in a few weeks so any potential family reunion has been wrecked, thrown out the window. (I know I'm being selfish about this last point).

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 30/09/2019 07:12

So none of you told your Dad his daughter had had a baby? Really?

DisplayPurposesOnly · 30/09/2019 07:17

If your sister chooses not to tell him, that's her business.

You don't have to go along with it though - don't lie. If you want a family get-together then invite whoever you want; they can accept or decline as suits them.

Windygate · 30/09/2019 07:27

Has your sister challenged the pension provider's decision? If she hasn't that should be her next move. Punishing your father for something he has no control over is pointless and nasty.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 08:18

The pension provider has said the court needs to get involved with everything that comes with it (I'm not very involved because it's none of my business).

Yes, no one has told my DF about his grandson. Both my DM and sister have forbidden me to tell him anything about it! In fact when I told him about mine, they called me back thinking it had been about hers... :/

OP posts:
zingally · 30/09/2019 08:23

So your sister was named the beneficiary of your (deceased?) uncle? In a Will? But uncle's ex-wife is claiming the money instead?? Is that even legal?

I don't really understand how a debate around a pension involves your father (who isn't a blood relative of your uncle, as far as I can work out), or why your sister is mad at him? What's his role in this whole pension ho-ha?

Perhaps I'm being thick, but I don't get it.

ThinkerThunkk · 30/09/2019 08:24

Your mothers brother was married to your fathers sister. Why would your sister be the beneficiary of your uncles pension rather than his wife (or perhaps all nieces and nephews equally).

I'm sorry but the pension provider would not be able to willy nilly distribute a pension as it saw fit. There would have to be court provision in place ie at the time of the divorce, the pension becomes the ex wifes asset, irrespective of who the originally named beneficiary might be.

I don't understand where your father comes into this odd set up.

TBH OP, it all sounds ridiculously incestuous.

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/09/2019 08:27

Why is you sister non prosecuting if she has a case?
Why is it your dads fault?Confused
And is you mum still living with your father???

Hederex · 30/09/2019 08:43

I'm so confused. If she is named in his will, why isn't she contesting it? How is it your dad's fault?
Why was your sister given the money as opposed to any of the rest of you?
Is there something else going on here, because otherwise your sister doesn't sound like a nice person at all.
You are going to have to choose here. You are currently supporting your sister and betraying your father by lying to him. Is that the choice you want to make?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 30/09/2019 08:45

Just tell him. What are they going to do? Fall out with you? So what? You never see her anyway and she doesn’t sound like that much of a loss to your life.

Gazelda · 30/09/2019 08:51

Are your DM and DF still together?
This sounds awfully complicated and entangled. I'd keep well out of it, but avoid lying.
The longer this goes on, the bigger the problem will get.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 08:52

No my mum and dad have been separated on and off for the past 25 years or so. They've never divorced because they can never agree on how to divide the assets.

According to my DM and sister my DF is choosing his sister (my auntie) over his own daughter.

My uncle left different assets to different relatives. I was left a house. My DM was left one life insurance, etc..

Pension provider says ex-wife without financial settlement trumps a will. So only a judge can decide what's fair. DM and sister are of the idea that my dad should be involved and force my auntie to give up the claim so it can go to my sister.

My family tree is beyond convoluted, but I won't go there.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 30/09/2019 09:00

So none of you told your Dad his daughter had had a baby? Really?

That’s the entire point of the post. What bit don’t you understand?

Why was your sister given the money as opposed to any of the rest of you?

I would have thought that was entirely up to the uncle.

OP - your dad is doing himself no favours with this ‘Oh, I’m stuck in the middle but I’ll support you if you contest it’ attitude. If your sister does contest the ruling and your father supports her, he’s picked a side anyway. He’d be better off telling his sister that she was no longer married and someone else had been named as the beneficiary, so she should respect that. Of course he can’t make her do it, but by getting splinters in his arse sitting on the fence he’s made things worse.

Your sister’s decision seems ridiculous to me, but it is HER decision. Invite your father to visit when your baby comes and enjoy spending time together. Let him get to know the grandchild whose mother wants him involved rather than stressing about the one who doesn’t.

missyB1 · 30/09/2019 09:08

Stop letting your mum and sister dictate to you. If they want to keep secrets (all because of money) then let them crack on, but no one can force you to lie. The rights or wrongs of the will are nothing to do with you or your dad! Your sister needs to grow up.

Teddybear45 · 30/09/2019 09:09

Yes according to most Pension providers’ rules a child or ex-wife (or wife, unclear if aunt and uncle were still married) will trump a niece or nephew. As your daughter has a will she should go through the courts and needs to do it asap. However, and this is a big deal, if she’ s a high earner (Swiss resident do I presume yes) and ex-wife / wife isn’t the court may decide to reduce some of the amount she gets to provide for the ex-wife / wife. I’m guessing this is the real reason your sister doesn’t want to go through the courts - she wants all of it.

Idontwanttotalk · 30/09/2019 09:14

@ThinkerThunkk

"Your mothers brother was married to your fathers sister.
TBH OP, it all sounds ridiculously incestuous."
What? Two totally unrelated people marrying is not incestuous.

"DM and sister are of the idea that my dad should be involved and force my auntie to give up the claim so it can go to my sister."
So your DM and sister are the problems here. Your DH, on the face of it, hasn't done anything wrong other than refuse to bully his DSis into giving up a claim to her ex husband's pension after receiving no financial settlement from him.

Your DF is doing the right thing by staying out of it. He is in a really difficult situation. Why would any of you want to place him in that position?

Your sister is being more than slightly petty. If she hasn' received anything (because of Pension company's decision) and other family members have, why don't you all get together and give up a proportion of your inheritances to enable her to have a share?

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 09:15

Teddybear that's about right (of what I understand of it).
My uncle and aunt divorced many, many years ago but never remarried. She would be seen as a lower earner (small private pension and assets) in comparison to my sister who has money in the bank, a flat, a house and her joint household income.

OP posts:
Grainedmonkey · 30/09/2019 09:16

Oh gosh this sounds complicated. Can you even 'leave' a pension to a niece in your will? I thought pensions did either fall to spouses or ceased on the death of the pension holder. Your sis definately needs to proceed down the legal route to get her inheritance if she thinks she has a case. Your uncle made a mistake here which has effectively left OP's sis out of the will whilst the other relatives got something each. It does seem unfair and not at all what uncle intended . OP lucked out with the house.

verticality · 30/09/2019 09:17

I think people who behave like this are ridiculous.

If your sister doesn't want to have a relationship with her DF that is entirely her prerogative.

However, she does not get to dictate to others what they can/can't say to him about her and her baby! Otherwise it quickly becomes 'asking other people to lie by omission'. And it forces people who want to remain neutral to take sides in what is effectively an information war.

I have a sibling who acts like this, trying to control the flow of information within the entire family, dictating who can know what and when. It's a complete nightmare and ultimately very, very controlling behaviour.

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 09:18

@Idontwanttotalk she was able to get her fair share. She inherited a house that she currently rents and some leftover balance in a bank account.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 09:20

I agree it feels horrible to have to lie by omission to my own dad about his own grandson.

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 30/09/2019 09:21

If she has inherited something then why does she want the pension too? Let it go to the ex-wife who needs it. Your sister sounds like she values money over family tbh - rich already, has inherited properly. but would rather destroy her entire family than let go of a pension policy. In your position I would tell her she was lucky to inherit at all and stop keeping secrets. As for your mum she needs to stay out of it

WonderWomansSpin · 30/09/2019 09:25

You don't need to lie for them. You can say that they have until your baby arrives to tell him themselves and after that date, you're not lying any more. They've tried to isolate you from your DF. Don't let them.
As for the pension, your DF can't change the law. If your uncle named your aunt as the beneficiary of the pension (or it was part of the divorce settlement) then it doesn't matter what anyone says to your aunt. Your DSIS has to challenge it in law but as a PP said, that may not have the outcome she expects.

Fairenuff · 30/09/2019 09:26

Both my DM and sister have forbidden me to tell him anything about it!

How does that even work? What will they do if you tell him?

Original poster
Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 09:28

My sister and mother think the pension is rightfully my sister's. She was named on the will and my uncle had no relationship with my auntie after they divorced. Both my sister and mother think my auntie is being an opportunist as that happened 30 years ago and she's just benefiting because neglectfully my uncle and aunt didn't have a consent order.

OP posts:
lululup · 30/09/2019 09:28

Surely other extended family have spilled the beans on the 6 month baby's arrival? Social media alone would preclude secrecy these days. It can hardly be credible that they're trying to involve you in a odd deceit.