My sister is being slightly petty?

[Rainbowhairdontcare]

My sister had her baby about 6 months ago. To this day she hasn't told our dad he has a grandson! She lives in Switzerland so barely see each other but still.

The reason why is (and bare with me as it gets complicated here) my auntie (so my father's sister) is claiming the private pension of my uncle (my mother's brother) as they were once married bit never had a financial settlement. My sister was named the beneficiary but my auntie has been able to claim instead.

My DM and sister are annoyed with my DF and this haven't told him about the baby. My DF just days that he's caught in the middle and rather not get involved but if she wants to prosecute/press charges he has her blessing.

Whenever I talk to my dad o can mention my nephew because to him.he doesn't exist. I'm having a baby myself due in a few weeks so any potential family reunion has been wrecked, thrown out the window. (I know I'm being selfish about this last point).

Stop letting your mum and sister dictate to you. If they want to keep secrets (all because of money) then let them crack on, but no one can force you to lie. The rights or wrongs of the will are nothing to do with you or your dad! Your sister needs to grow up.

This. Your sister sounds ridiculous and cannot dictate to you what you say to whom!

Your father has really nothing to do with it, as pp said he can't control what the pension provider or his sister does, and the baby/his relationship with it also had nothing to do with this situation. She is being ludicrous and you shouldn't let yourself be controlled by her.

Unrelated to the issue, really, but my uncle (my mum's brother) is in a relationship with my cousin (on my father's side). Not incestuous at all, they're only related by marriage.

That marriage is the least complicate did the lot.

My maternal grandmother had two sisters, those two sisters married my paternal grandfather's brothers.

Then my grandmother had two sons and a daughter (my DM). One of my uncles married my father's sister, and the other one dated my other aunt for years, in fact they always claimed they were each others true love (but that happened before I was born).

‘The pension provider says ex-wife without financial settlement trumps a will. So only a judge can decide what's fair. DM and sister are of the idea that my dad should be involved and force my auntie to give up the claim so it can go to my sister. ‘

I query the ‘so only the judge can decide what’s fair’. Any judgement from a court of law will determine what is legally sound, not what is fair per se.

Your sister is harassing your father to harass your aunt to give up what is legally hers. Your sister is a card-carrying GrudgeMinger who has not got the condones to do something either way (suck it up or get over it) & your DM is her unfortunate facilitator.

Tell your DF he is a GF.

Indeed my sister is holding my father hostage in a way because he won't harass my aunt.

I do think it's appalling behaviour and it makes me sad my family has come to this.

I'm not very close to my sister (she once told me I just got close to my uncle because I was after his money when he was like my second father!)

I just thought having children will make everybody snap out of their grudges and resents but it seems it didn't work out that way.

Indeed my sister is holding my father hostage in a way because he won't harass my aunt.

Bloody hell, hyperbole overdose!

So what are you going to do, @Rainbowhairdontcare ?

I think I won't omit anything next time I speak to my dad, I've felt fairly sad about the whole thing today. Especially because my sister sent some presents for the baby and I feel it makes me complicit.

So you’re going to go expressly against what you’ve been asked to do? I think that’s your family reunion down the pan either way.

Why should OP lie for someone else? People can ask whatever bullshit they want of others. Doesn't mean people have to dance to their tune.

Well I don't agree with it at all. I don't think the loss of my sister is as bad as actively hiding information from my dad.

I don't know where my mum stands in all of this (if I were to tell my DF).

Even my DH is asked to lie as he's friendly with my DF.

Why should OP lie for someone else? People can ask whatever bullshit they want of others. Doesn't mean people have to dance to their tune.

Of course she doesn’t HAVE to. But in her first post she was upset that there wasn’t going to be a big family reunion. Taking a key decision out of her sister’s hands is hardly going to facilitate that.

However, from her latest post it seems like she’s changed her mind and will be glad to be rid of her sister.

I'm completely torn and sad about it. I've talked to my DH about and he thinks that a) my family is bonkers b) should just say I haven't heard from sister (over the phone if my DF asks). It's up to my DS and DM as they will in the festive season but that I shouldn't hold back to try to see everyone.

I'm not particularly close to my sister so in that way I wouldn't be missing much. I just had hoped to all grow up a little once we all have children and take the pettiness away, but I don't see how unless she tells my DF the truth.

It sounds like emotions and tensions are running high. I think you need to let your sister do what she is going to do - don't interfere and don't call her petty even in your head as there are always other ways of looking at things. The secret is now safe though as your child will give the game away at some point. And it is not your responsibility to keep the secret. Maybe talk to your sister about the fact tat you can't hide this forever so what's the best way to tell your dad? This does not mean that she has to see him if she has chosen to go NC.

If they choose to keep stuff away from your dad that is their business but you are under no obligation to uphold their lies.
Their argument with your dad is batshit. His sister's behaviour is nothing to do with him. If your sister is so desperate for the money then take it to court. If she is not prepared to do that then shut the fuck up and stop this stupid behaviour towards your dad. I would accidentally let it slip in conversation under the assumption that he surely should know by now and you are disappointed that he doesn't. She and your mother will go fruit loop. Tough. Life is too short for this bollocks!

Best wishes for your soon-to-arrive new baby, a happy event that you & your DH can share with your DF.

I hazard a guess that your DF & DM roped you & your £# (oops, should be DS) into the machinations of their on-off, in-out marriage. Is this hoo-hah over your sister’s baby another episode of the long running saga, only your #£ has not got the memo that she’s a grown-up?

So, to your opening question: is my sister being slightly petty? Hell yeah!

She may believe that she is punishing your DP, but the only person she is really hurting is herself by nurturing her grievances & denying herself the pleasure of introducing her father to his grandchild. Maybe, once you have had your baby & can see what she is missing, she’ll figure some of this out & drop the epic strop.

Is it possible that your auntie and sister have the same name and the pension company have assumed that the aunt is the entitled person? I would have thought that the pension company would ensure that they have the right person.
It is IMO particularly cruel of your sister to have hidden her pregnancy and the presence of her child from her own father. It could be said to be emotional abuse. Depending on the age of your father it could also be elder abuse. I don't know what she hopes to achieve by withholding the information about her having a child. DF has said that she can do what she likes re pension and a court case. If she is a criminal solicitor she may not have the right expertise but she will very likely know other solicitors who will have the right knowledge.
Your family does seem to be complicated and inter related but that is no excuse for your sister's controlling behaviour.

No chance the pension provider is being mistaken.

Not only I'm sad about DF (he turns 68 in s couple of months) but I'm also sad because my sister was very close to him, so they've even lost that now.

I don't know what to think about the money thing, but I do know I wouldn't go out of my way to hide the nephew's existence from your father. If it comes up naturally in conversation then so be it.

For example, what happens if you take a nice photo of your new child and nephew together (or a group shot) and want to send it to your dad - do you crop nephew out? Lie about his identity? Or your child mentions his cousin to your dad in future years? There's absolutely no way I'd be making my child complicit in this nonsense.

I don't think she would hide it for that long. Chances of my DS talking about his cousin are slim and only in the distant future. Im mostly worried about the up coming months.

The damage in their relationship is probably done.

Have you tried to properly talk some sense to your sister? Give her a headache and some food for thought as it were? From your MP and updates your DS and DM need some metaphorical slaps to the face. Those that say you are not involved are wrong, this is affecting you and your family directly as you are dragged into the lies and having to thread on eggshells, which complicates your relationships, to support such behaviour. We all have our secrets, but a new family member should never be a secret. It's wrong not only towards your DF but also your DN, he is also made a victim to his mothers whims and stupidity.

No, I always end up in tears and she calls me a "victim". Last time she started to tell me off for something that was my VERY own personal choice (and that it doesn't really affect anyone). By then my nephew had already been born. There's no way to put any sense into her, even my DM admits it.

I do feel for you, at the end of the day, you have to do what is right and only you know what that is in the current situation.