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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My sister is being slightly petty?

73 replies

Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 06:56

My sister had her baby about 6 months ago. To this day she hasn't told our dad he has a grandson! She lives in Switzerland so barely see each other but still.

The reason why is (and bare with me as it gets complicated here) my auntie (so my father's sister) is claiming the private pension of my uncle (my mother's brother) as they were once married bit never had a financial settlement. My sister was named the beneficiary but my auntie has been able to claim instead.

My DM and sister are annoyed with my DF and this haven't told him about the baby. My DF just days that he's caught in the middle and rather not get involved but if she wants to prosecute/press charges he has her blessing.

Whenever I talk to my dad o can mention my nephew because to him.he doesn't exist. I'm having a baby myself due in a few weeks so any potential family reunion has been wrecked, thrown out the window. (I know I'm being selfish about this last point).

OP posts:

SurfingGiantess · 30/09/2019 09:31

She got a house and wants more???
She's greedy I think.
If she wants it that badly she needs to go to court and not involve everyone else.
It doesn't matter to you really what your dad should or shouldn't do. He doesn't have a judges power.
If I were you I'd just invite your dad as normal. I wouldn't even get involved in this petty argument about money... it's sad that when ppl die all relatives think about is money. Especially since your sister seems well off.
Just do your thing. It's up to them if they want to come to family gatherings or not.
I agree it is petty.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 30/09/2019 09:31

What greedy, petty women. I hope your dad cuts them out. You better be careful, you're actually siding with them by keeping this from him too. Poor man.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/09/2019 09:37

Well I can see why your Dsis is pissed off if she was named as beneficiary and that has been overidden but.........

your dad has not made a choice, he told your sis he would rather not get involved but she could make it known if she wanted to with his blessing so how on earth is that making a choice? Also, he must have known she was pregnant (you said when you phoned to say about your baby news he thought it was her news?) so unless she's an elephant and pregnant for yonks then surely he must know she has had her baby?
I personally think it is awful that everyone is colluding against him and not telling him he has a grandson, and by doing this you are by default siding with your sister.

ChicCroissant · 30/09/2019 09:37

Did the deceased Uncle support his ex-wife for 30 years after they split? I can't see why she's got any claim on the pension at all tbh!

Your dad doesn't come out of this well either IMO, I am staggered that he'd cut his own daughter off to let his sister get money! Has he always avoided making decisions? Putting all the blame on your sister by giving her 'his blessing' if she wants to spend a fortune on court fees to get her bequest? Was your father the executor of the will?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/09/2019 09:42

Chic where does the OP say he has cut her sister off? I don't understand. If my brother in years to come decided to claim a pension that he shouldn't and regardless of whether my Dson feels he should have had it, I just wouldn't want to get involved either. Its not really anything to do with OP's dad, he just seems caught in the crossfire of a very nasty situation.

BatshitBertha · 30/09/2019 09:44

Why are you going along with the lie (omission) why haven't you told your DF about his grandchild?

whirlwinds · 30/09/2019 09:44

So your sister is punishing your father for something that is none of his business and he should not really be put into that position in the first place by any of you. His sister, your aunt, is her own person and not his responsibility. The legal matter is between your aunt and your sister and I would probably voice this on repeat to said sisters and "d"m, while supporting sister there is no way father is responsible in any way or form for his sisters actions. Nor is he responsible for his grown daughters choices or where she is choosing to place the blame. Personally I would be calling them out on this and challenge their behaviour as this is not on. He is actually an innocent bystander that is being ostracised by his own daughters, he has not done anything wrong by not wanting to be active in the war between two family members. He has already said he will support your sister. Expecting him to wrongfully demand his sister to do something is patronising against his sister and would not help matters.

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 09:46

My dad has nothing to do with the will not has any real power apart from telling my aunt to stop claiming the pension (and still up to her to do it really).

My dad has no idea about that baby. He called my DM when I told him about mine... My DM was unsure about which one he was talking about (they don't communicate well at all at the best of times) and then called me to interrogate me if I had told my dad anything about my baby nephew.

OP posts:

Contraceptionismyfriend · 30/09/2019 09:49

Grow a spine!
You're an adult. Don't communicate with your mother or sister. Just sit your dad down and tell him everything.

If tweedle Dee and Dum have a go of you tell them to piss off. If they want to be pathetic tell them to crack on.

verticality · 30/09/2019 09:50

I think it sounds like your sister has a case - the money was left to her and it is being claimed by someone else. But I can't for the life of me see how this is your Dad's fault, or why he should be punished. She needs to grow up, be an adult, and bring a legal challenge if she feels she has been wronged, not expect family to deal with this for her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2019 09:53

If my sibling were to steal willed to my dd regardless of whether or not my dd were an adult, I’d want to get involved. I can understand why your sister is hurt.

Jocasta2018 · 30/09/2019 09:55

With my pension & death benefits, I've had to name beneficiaries. Maybe your uncle had named your aunt whilst still married and not updated it since the divorce? The pension company would be following your uncle's instructions hence them lawfully paying your aunt. They wouldn't be paying her if she wasn't named on the paperwork!!
My death benefits are to my parents & my pension to my partner. This is paperwork between myself and the pension company and nothing to do with my will. If myself & my partner were to split and I didn't update the paperwork then he would still receive my pension on turning 65. Not sure it could be contested by my will's executors on my death but there you go.

Butchyrestingface · 30/09/2019 09:55

According to my DM and sister my DF is choosing his sister (my auntie) over his own daughter.

He’s in a difficult position. He can’t force his sister to do anything. If your sister feels she has a case, she should pursue it through legal channels. Why isn’t she?

Skinnydogfatcat1 · 30/09/2019 09:55

Personally I would tell my father.
They can do what they want, but in the end you need to do what you feel right for your father and your relationship.

ChicCroissant · 30/09/2019 09:57

By refusing to get involved I do think he's cut his DD off though. From the OP's update his sister had no contact with the deceased Uncle for a very long time and yet has claimed the pension that had been bequeathed to someone else.

The whole family communication system is not ideal though, and seems a bit drama-laden and point-scoring. But if you are going to sit back and do nothing (dad), then you can't be that surprised if others do the same to you (OP's sister). It works both ways.

It is a hideous situation, though.

Tonnerre · 30/09/2019 10:03

Pension provider says ex-wife without financial settlement trumps a will. So only a judge can decide what's fair

That only applies if the ex-wife has started court proceedings, and even then my understanding is that that would freeze payments, it wouldn't mean payments going to the ex. However, the position may be different in other countries. Has your sister taken legal advice?

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 10:09

I actually don't know if she's taken legal advice (she's a criminal lawyer so I think she'd know the basics at the very least).

I've tried to stay away from it all, and even cutting any conversation relevant to this situation. Just have said "my father has never said or done anything against my sister, he's in fact said go for it" but I truly don't understand what else do they expect him to do. I do think my aunt is taking advantage of the situation, I'll never deny that, but both (my sister and my aunt) are his family he's caught in the middle.

OP posts:

5zeds · 30/09/2019 10:12

He’s not anywhere near “the middle”. Invite them all round to celebrate your pregnancy and tell your Mother and sister you won’t be lying to your DAd any more.

3dogs2cats · 30/09/2019 10:25

I really don’t think your Dad is at fault here. Has your sister told him that she won’t see him unless he tells his sister to give up the pension. To be frank, If I was him, I would tell my sister, but I would imagine she will ignore it, I would. As your sister is a lawyer, she will have taken advice and has probably discovered that legally she doesn’t have a good case. When lawyers start talking about morality that is often what they mean.

Beesandcheese · 30/09/2019 10:26

Wash your hands of the side taking and nonsense. Tell your sister that you cannot continue to lie and deny that you have a cherished neice or nephew. Maybe give her a month (?) You could even use scatty pregnancy brain as an excuse to let it "slip" about planning Christmas presents. (I realise this might be unfair but I doubt I could cover up a whole person indefinitely)
Tell ALL members of your family you are not taking sides over a money situation, arrange all future family things by inviting thme all. Be cross at them for placing money above family. Grab the moral high ground with both hands and invite them to focus on the more important things!

UniversalAunt · 30/09/2019 10:28

Alas, I have seen this scenario before where the long-estranged wife receives the pension - as defined in the terms & conditions of the pension scheme - not the current partner who may be the beneficiary named in the personal will & testament. Sometimes a shock for the current partner who had expectations of the pension lump sum & income, sometimes the pension lump sum/income recipient(s) is determined as part of a separation or divorce settlement, sometimes the deceased has left the default pension beneficiary as is & not updated the pension providers with named beneficiaries. Payment to named beneficiaries is at the discretion of the pension scheme trustees, & is honoured within reason & president. Your sister has niece of the deceased would have to make a claim to the trustees. I assume that she has & been unsuccessful hence taking the matter to court.

The pension providers will act within the legal framework of the terms of the pension scheme. If your aunt has a legal claim within the default terms of the scheme, not as a ‘discretionary’ named beneficiary then fairly & squarely she gets the monies.

Your sister as a criminal law specialist likely has the sense to consult a specialist in these matters & would reasonably lay her ‘claim’ to rest.

Beesandcheese · 30/09/2019 10:34

Also. Talk to your sister about what her reasoning is as whether she is doing this to get her dad's support and attention or purely for money I don't see it working out. If she thinks her dad will care and this is an exercise to hurt him or get attention from him .... then IF the financial situation were resolved he will find out. He will still be hurt. Their relationship might not recover that.

If however this only about money for her she should also play the dutiful daughter and not get cut from his will.

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 10:37

@Beesandcheese I actually didn't think about it in that way. You're so right.

I couldn't sleep last night (late pregnancy insomnia) thinking what a messy family my son is being born in.

Money comes and goes, my DF is far from perfect but he'll always be our dad.

OP posts:

Beesandcheese · 30/09/2019 10:39

I hope it goes well x

Original poster

Rainbowhairdontcare · 30/09/2019 10:57

Thank you!

OP posts:

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