AIBU to ask why some people fail to make changes in their lives even when they know that those changes are necessary?

[AlexaShutUp]

I'm wondering why so many of us are unable to make the changes that we need to make in our lives, and what exactly differentiates those who are able to implement those changes from those who are not?

Is it a lack of willpower? Inertia? Habit? Resistance to change? Fear? Lack of motivation? Something else?

Why do people continue to eat crap even when they know what constitutes good nutrition? Why do people fail to exercise regularly when they know it's good for them? Why don't people smoke or drink too much when they are fully aware of the health risks? Why do they fail to tidy up their messy houses, even when the chaos is getting them down?

I am not judging anyone btw. I am very guilty of this kind of behaviour myself, and I guess that's why I'm asking the question? What is it that stops so many people from making the changes that they know they need to make? Why do some people not seem to struggle against those obstacles? And how can those of us who do struggle get past whatever it is that is stopping us?

Has anyone ever struggled to make changes but suddenly found a way to make it happen? If so, I'd love to know what changed for you in order to make this happen.

IME, I'd say that a lot of people have this in one aspect of their life but can do it (change if necessary) for all the rest. Probably even more puzzling!

*Obviously I stopped and am still stopped years later.

it's just getting that breakthrough brain moment.

Yes indeed! My breakthrough moment seems to be taking rather a long time to get here.

I've seen it described as having to attach more pain to the old habit than the new.

Thank you chic, that's quite a good insight.

With me it is not so much fear of failure, but fear of change making things worse. I went on a low calorie diet... I didn't know it could cause gall bladder issues. I went from fat but relatively healthy, to pain every day. Even after surgery., has caused long term issues... Makes me reluctant to try...

So I know i want to make changes even though I have already going from 18/20 to 12/14 I can do it but annoyingly and unfortunately I'm afraid I love the crap I love the cake the biscuits the puddings it's not easy but can be done.

Look up internal locus of control and external locus of control, that might give you some insight. It's not a one-size-fits-all answer but I think it does explain why some people can do what needs to be done and others feel they can't.

Well, labelling it failure isn't helpful. There are a variety of complex reasons that vary from individual to individual. One of which is trauma - people often drink or smoke or eat comfort food to try to escape their problems temporarily. Just telling them "that's not healthy" doesn't suddenly give them the means to heal their trauma and develop new coping mechanisms.

As another similar example I've read research that found many people struggling with obesity issues had experienced trauma and felt safer from ever being assaulted by anyone again as long as they were overweight. So there are often a lot of complex psychological and social and biological factors going on.

Generally, I think it's more effective to focus on understanding what's going on for a particular person rather than assuming it's because they're weak/lazy/a failure. So if you want to help yourself start by trying to understand yourself - what purpose does the behaviour you want to change currently serve for you? What need is it meeting? What are your barriers to changing it? How do you feel / what do you experience when you do something different? etc.r

Just be compassionate basically, instead of beating yourself round the head for "failing" or "not trying hard enough".

Either people don't think they deserve to be happy (deep down), or they don't want to tolerate emotions in the short term. Or both.

Well done Buttons for the changes that you've made so far.

Azrail, thank you, I will look that up.

Kata, you're probably right that it's different for everyone, but I've spent a lifestyle trying to figure out why I can't make changes and I haven't figured it out yet. No significant trauma in my case.

Alice, I think that's quite insightful. Food for thought.

I think people tend to behave in ways that will impact them in the short-term on a day to day level simply because we're designed to be focussed on the immediate, not the long-term. When it comes to changing habits and behaviours it can take months without any real 'show' and as we become more and more entrenched in the show of social media, we tend to make immediate changes rather than long-term ones because they have the biggest impact on likes, followers, retweets etc.

Most people are just busily trying to get through life. Do their job, look after their kids, having energy and motivation left to make big changes is not always left. And yes changing eating habits or giving up smoking is a very big change.
I read some research where very overweight people were admitted to hospital and stopped eating totally for 2 weeks. All said they found it much much easier to not eat at all, than to reduce the amount they ate on a daily basis.

When I was very young my younger sister and I used to have competitions to see who could

• make sweets last longest AKA fruit gum challenge
• make sweets last longest AKA selection box at Christmas or Easter egg.
• save most money - out of pocket money

She won every challenge, every time

We are both now in our 60s, She is retired, with a pension pot of a million and I am still working and will have a very small personal pension in addition to state.

She got a good degree and worked in IT all her life
I left school at 16 and changed job frequently

She can still easily dever gratification for future gain whereas I still want it NOW.

Some of it is definitely innate.

Another thing for me (that I discovered through counselling). Following on from 'innate' traits, my parents/teachers always thought I could do better - whether I tried hard or not it was always 'could do better'. I was never 'bad' and usually did well enough to 'pass' so I definitely got the message there was no point trying as it set the bar higher for next time. So it was almost a 'fear of success' rather than 'fear of failure'. OR I'm just lazy as my mother always said.

OR I'm just lazy

Deep down, I rather suspect that this might be the case for me.

However, I'd like to know if there is any way of becoming less lazy.

I read the Matthew Walker book ‘Why we Sleep’ over the summer and am now completely convinced that, at its most basic, the answer to this is because we are too tired. Being tired makes us crave the wrong foods, lowers our resolve to not eat them, makes us too weary to exercise and on and on.....
The book is a fascinating exploration of why we need to sleep to regulate our production of the hunger hormones etc. If you are too busy (or tired) to read it, there is a brilliant podcast interview between Matthew Walker and Dr Rangan Chatterjee on Dr C’s “Feel Better, Live More” podcast which covers the basics. I’ve been prioritising sleep in the 2 months since I read the book and I’ve lost 6lbs without doing much else. I just crave the crap food less and am more motivated to get off the sofa. I haven’t actually dieted.

*if you find a kind of exercise that you genuinely enjoy, you’ll stick with it”

This is my problem. I loved to exercise on my bike, walking, yoga, or swimming, but a chronic joint issue has put paid to that. I don’t know what to do now .

Thanks GetoffthetableMabel. That's very interesting. I'm chronically sleep deprived, for sure, partly because I don't tend to prioritise sleep. I will try to listen to the podcast.

I think childhood stubborness helps! I remember as a kid doing gymnastics I would practise for ages in the back garden until I could do something, even though I frequently winded myself. DS 3.5 is the same, if there is a big kid doing something cool he will keep practising it.

Those kind of memorys help as an adult I think...
I remember things I've plugged away at like back walkovers or A-level biology and it makes me think ok this thing I'm doing now is hard but will probably eventually work out.

BUT I also think though that some people will also have had more advantages than others, and so have been more likely to eventually succeed at stuff. I had a garden to practise in and a DM who sat and quized me on A-level biology. Other people didn't have that...so maybe they don't have as many early experiences of eventually succeeding at difficult stuff.

As someone up until recently has been slim and healthy, now borderline obese, a few things rang true.

Those small little comforts and instant gratification, not looking at the long term ramifications, I'm living for now.

I'm older, my metabolism is shite from dieting forever. It's been a hard few years and I have no mental energy left to keep depriving myself and feeling hungry, I've only been slim while eating the bare minimum and exercising. I'm too exhausted for that atm. I eat food for comfort, it's very easy and satisfying.

I recently spent 6 months sticking to 1200 calories and exercising 3 times a week, I lost half a stone. I could keep that up for a couple of years and be a healthy weight, it's a long time tho.

I love healthy food, will happily eat all fruit, salad and veg so it's not just eating crap either.

Bloody hell, wrong thread 🙄

I’m currently coping with a major depressive episode. Just getting out of bed, showering and feeding the cats is a victory for me. I’m struggling with trying to get food any food made for myself. Going for easy and high calorie shit is all I can do at this time

I know what I must eat, how to exercise, how to groom myself, I just really don’t give a fuck right now

Interesting Camomila. As a parent, I've worked very hard to ensure that dd has had the experience of really having to work at something. I didn't really have those experiences as a child because schoolwork came very easily to me and I quickly gave up on anything else that didn't. Had never linked this to my lack of self discipline but it's certainly a thought.

Secretwitch, I hope things get better for you soon.

Kind of relevant though Sharptic!

Because they can. Focus on your own answers as to why you can't.

@araiwa

Trying is the first step to failure- Homer

I love this!