To have had an affair and not regretted it?

[theyvegotme]

It was over ten years ago. I'd married young to an abusive twat.

The OM was no angel but he showed me that a relationship could actually be enjoyable, not endless misery.

No children involved. I'm not with the OM and he subsequently split up with his wife. No contact now.

I've never cheated since. Now a happy, wife and mother.

I value that experience actually- bit of an insight into the complexities of human nature as well as giving me the confidence to leave.

On MN, I get the impression that I should be condemned forever.

My DH knows what happened all those years ago.

I think if you can learn about the complexities of human nature and gain confidence to leave a bad relationship without having an affair, then that's definitely preferable.

People do make mistakes, though. But I think it's a bit distasteful to not regret an affair - your post reads as though you didn't care the OM broke up with his wife (or her feelings) or any of the other inevitable consequences that your affair would have contributed to.

On MN, I get the impression that I should be condemned forever

Well whatever anyone thinks on MN is beside the point really. If you’re fine with what you did then don’t worry about it!

Why do you need validation on this issue?

If you're fine with it and lose no sleep what is the issue?

Do you really think a forum of wives and mothers is the best place to get validation on an affair?

You had an affair with a married man and you have no regrets? Probably that quality that makes it possible for you do it to start with, isn’t it? Sounds like your OH was deserving of it, but the OM’s wife?

What do you want to get out of this thread ?

Are you bored @theyvegotme ?

Are you still with the H you cheated on or have a new one now?

I think affairs are very black and white on MN...

I am a wife and mother...

Just curious as to what other people would think.

The treatment of infidelity is so black and white on here.

I don’t get it. Is there supposed to be some big nuance behind shagging someone else’s husband and telling a bunch of lies?

@theyvegotme

Cross post!!!

All this thread tells me I’d that you’re crap at picking men, and seem to think that moving from an abuser to an adulterater is an upgrade. I hope your current husband bucks that trend for you.

I think YABU, yes. Affairs can be understandable and they can sometimes have positive outcomes, but that doesn't negate the fact that they are deceitful and cause pain. Your OP comes across as if you think it's okay because your H was being abusive and you married young. But two wrongs don't make a right. What about the pain the OM caused his wife? You may think as you've been honest with your H, it's ok but you will have damaged trust. There is always an alternative. I don't subscribe to the school of thought that someone should be condemned forever for mistakes but I do think that to be redeemed you have to acknowledge when you do wrong and in some way make amends, and an affair is always wrong.

No, I'm not with first DH. OM gave me the confidence to leave. I had no idea that people could actually be nice to each other in a relationship- was an eye opener!

The fact that OM first wife got hurt is sad, but ultimately I don't owe her anything.

Are you looking for a deeper meaning to your pedestrian infidelity, op ?

Seen it all before, love

Well the issue is quite black and white isn't it?

Don't cheat. If the relationship is abusive or dead in the water then split before you go elsewhere.

I don't really see the grey area in it. Especially if the other man is married too.
YOUR partner may have been a shit but did she deserve it? The kids involved (in many cases, not just yours)

Affairs are messy, selfish events.

So why are you here, @AnyFucker?

We're all pretty pedestrian really- unless you're Kate Middleton or something?

I can uunderstand why you feel no regrets at having an affair, when you were married to an abusive man, @theyvegotme - but I can’t understand feeling no guilt over your share in the effect that the affair had on your lover’s wife and children.

What children?

The fact that OM first wife got hurt is sad, but ultimately I don't owe her anything.

You owe everyone something: basic respect.

OP, in that case you should be fine with someone else doing to your marriage what you did to OM's.

Crack on.

It seems you centre men in your life.

You mention the OM was "no angel", your exH was abusive and use this to justify your lack of remorse

No mention of OM's wife. Funny, that.

Quite, Anyfucker.

OP justifies her actions by depersonalising the victim, the wife. Not surprised and quite predictable.

I never met her, how can I tell you what she was like? I can tell you what OM said about her if you want. He never derided her, he was more sad at feeling trapped. We both did.

I sometimes think that minimum age limit for marriage should be 25!

No regrets? It makes you sound like a twat tbh. You could have learned these things from a single man. People make mistakes but to not have any remorse for ruining someone’s life or marriage just because someone else was ruining yours is quite selfish.
I hope you have grown up a bit.