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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had an affair and not regretted it?

69 replies

theyvegotme · 29/09/2019 14:25

It was over ten years ago. I'd married young to an abusive twat.

The OM was no angel but he showed me that a relationship could actually be enjoyable, not endless misery.

No children involved. I'm not with the OM and he subsequently split up with his wife. No contact now.

I've never cheated since. Now a happy, wife and mother.

I value that experience actually- bit of an insight into the complexities of human nature as well as giving me the confidence to leave.

On MN, I get the impression that I should be condemned forever.

My DH knows what happened all those years ago.

OP posts:
DecomposingComposers · 29/09/2019 15:04

I agree with a pp, we all.owe everyone basic respect.

The fact that you don't know someone doesn't give you the right to do.something harmful to them.

I never get the trope trotted out on here that the OW owes the wife nothing. That's rubbish, unless you genuinely didn't know that she existed.

SilverySurfer · 29/09/2019 15:06

YABU.

I don't think being in an abusive relationship gives you carte blanche to fuck up someone else's life by having an affair with their husband and I'm pretty sure there are other ways of gaining insight into the complexities of human nature.

Let's hope your current DH has better morals and principals than you and you don't discover how it feels to be cheated on.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 29/09/2019 15:07

I never met her, how can I tell you what she was like? I can tell you what OM said about her if you want. He never derided her, he was more sad at feeling trapped. We both did.

Just because you never met her doesn’t give you a right to hurt her.

Original poster
theyvegotme · 29/09/2019 15:07

How can you ruin somebody else's marriage?

OM cheated on her, not me. I cheated on my exDH. He deserved it. Trust me, no woman would have any sympathy for him.

I don't even know what OM's first wife looked like.

OP posts:
justbefuddleme · 29/09/2019 15:08

It's not about you owing his wife anything that's the stupidest thing ows say.
You dont have to owe her anything to not have fucked her husband.
Basic morals and respect is what you should have had.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 29/09/2019 15:09

You are just as culpable as he is for the pain he caused her. You knew and participated in its application. YABU.

letsdolunch321 · 29/09/2019 15:10

theygotme, having read some negative comments regards your thread, I totally agree with what you have posted.

I feel having an affair can show you the other side of the coin, along with what you will put up with in a relationship.

Glad to read all ended well for you eventually.

Original poster
theyvegotme · 29/09/2019 15:11

I don't get that at all.

I had an ex cheat on me too. I threw him out. I didn't care about the person he did it with.

But then they were cheating with another bloke. Is this a sisterhood thing?

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 29/09/2019 15:14

It’s a decency thing.

silly248 · 29/09/2019 15:17

Infidelity is not black and white

Unhappy marriage? Just leave !

That advice is always spouted, but really it’s not that easy.

Original poster
theyvegotme · 29/09/2019 15:17

She got the house and remarried too I believe, if that's any help.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/09/2019 15:18

I married at 21, way too young. I was unhappy through most of the relationship. I didn't cheat though. I didn't need to cheat to realise that I could have happiness elsewhere.

I do think cheating is the coward's way out if I'm honest. People want to bury their hand in the sand and not tackle the problem of an unhappy marriage head on.

I'm divorced now and happily single.

DecomposingComposers · 29/09/2019 15:19

She got the house and remarried too I believe, if that's any help.

Oh well, that's alright then. What did she have to moan about if she got the house, eh?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/09/2019 15:19

Apologies about saying there were children involved, @theyvegotme - I got confused with another thread.

But the fact remains that, even though you didn’t know the man’s wife, you have a share in the actions which caused her pain and split up her marriage. I would feel guilty about causing that sort of pain to another human being - nothing to do with sisterhood, everything to do with being a decent human being, in my view.

Fishcakey · 29/09/2019 15:22

Sounds like you were a symptom not the cause in the OM's break up. I wouldn't dwell on it, it's all in the past. Put it down to experience. You probably wouldn't do it again.

Original poster
theyvegotme · 29/09/2019 15:24

Oh it is a cowards way out, I agree with that.

When you've been ground down to your emotional bones however, silent subversion is all you can manage.

I'd already been strangled a few times, raped on my wedding night and many times subsequently, did all the housework and hated his guts, had no friends and miles from family- I saw a metaphorical rope, grabbed it and started climbing.

That 'rope' was an unhappily married man.

OP posts:
ToPlanZ · 29/09/2019 15:24

OP not everyone who has an affair is a bad person. That would be incredibly simplistic.

In life we learn as much from our mistakes and bad decisions if not more so than our good ones. The things that sting often live longest in the memory. How many people can look back and not find one thing that doesn't make them cringe?

Not all people having an affair are just after having their cake and eating it, sometimes they are in a bad place and an affair is the symptom. Some of course are just arseholes who want the security of relationship while finding the next best thing or having what they consider to be fun.

It would be easy to criticise you from behind the anonymity of a keyboard but ultimately we are all just human. If your life is more positive now then that is something.

Obviously the collateral damage to the OMs wife is terrible but he was willing to be the OM and so as they are no longer together then hopefully she is in a better place too rather than stuck with someone who was cheating on her.

No one can be always right and always good, all we can do is try. Finding the positive out of the negative isn't the worst way to live IMO.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 29/09/2019 15:28

I’m not saying you ought to be beating yourself up. You are entitled to forgive yourself. That’s not the same as what you are saying here.

yellowallpaper · 29/09/2019 15:30

I had a 6 month affair with someone who made me feel loved and appreciated. I was married to my abusive ex who was destroying me slowly. For the first time in years I felt like the me I would have been had it not been for my ex. OM was single. We parted on good terms and it gave me the strength to ditch ex.

I don't regret it for a minute. I also wouldn't repeat it as I don't need validation from anyone but DH. I've only told my sister who is like the grave with secrets. No intention of confessing all to anyone as it would serve literally no purpose. I don't feel guilt.

It's not black and white and it gives you a good insight into other people if you've only known from young, one not very nice person.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2019 15:53

I am sorry you experienced that abuse, op. No one should be subjected to that.

Mydogmylife · 29/09/2019 15:55

@yellowallpaper

Your om wasn't married though - totally different.
Personally, even though technically I get the "I don't owe her anything" argument, I don't think that overrides the "I would like to live my life as a decent person" argument.

I really don't think I could live with behaving in a way that I knew was causing someone else pain, even if I didn't know that person. I would definitely have massive regrets over my behaviour

tumbleisatwat · 29/09/2019 16:02

@yellowallpaper

Wow! Someone else who's been there.

Interesting idea, that we can be culpable for the actions we inspire others to take?

OM's marriage would never have lasted. They were completely different people with different expectations from life. If it hadn't been me, it would've been someone or something else.

yellowallpaper · 29/09/2019 16:11

I was married though. Still feel no shame. My H was an abusive, horrible shit. I may have done it regardless of whether the OM was single or not if he was also miserable in his relationship. Not really thought about that tbh. but if he was in the same position as me, I probably would have.

PepePig · 29/09/2019 16:33

If the OM had been single, I honestly wouldn't have an issue with it, to be honest. Abusive men deserve what's coming to them, and sometimes it does take another person to open your eyes to a whole new world. Cheating on your partner is bad, but it's certainly not as bad as bad as being abused by said partner.

I do think your attitude towards his wife is harsh and undeserving, though. She did not deserve to be cheated on and her family blown apart in that way. Fair game if she was a serial cheater or an abusive POS, but by your descriptions it simply sounds like the marriage wasn't working. She didn't deserve that, and the actions of the OM and you have probably affected her confidence and self esteem for many years.

I think you need to stop being so selfish when thinking about this scenario. Yes, it worked out well for you. But unfortunately, one innocent party was hurt in the fall out. You can't change the past, but it would do you no harm to appreciate that she didn't deserve that.

Biancadelrioisback · 29/09/2019 16:38

I dont think an affair is something you have to regret. I don't agree with affairs or infidelity.
I do think you should feel bad that you hurt someone. The fact you don't make you sound like a shit person.

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