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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think unwell friend is a CF

100 replies

cowsoy · 29/09/2019 13:10

A friend of mine recently fell ill and was bedbound for a few days. During that time she asked me if I could take her DCs to school, get same basic groceries in, etc. I also offered to walk her dog as she was unable. Anyway, I just got back from walking her dog and she was up and about and feeling better. She began making me a cup of tea and starting getting really angry that I had put the dishes back in the wrong place, angrily putting plates back in the cupboard and muttering that it was really annoying that I had done that. I then said to her that I didn’t think it was that serious or anything to get worked up about and she kept angrily putting the dishes away, making a lot of noise in the process. No mention of a thank you for looking out for her. AIBU to think that was ungrateful of her?

OP posts:
JemSynergy · 29/09/2019 13:54

You should have said something. I would have.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 29/09/2019 13:54

I'd tell her I was glad she was feeling better and clearly didn't need my help any more.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/09/2019 13:54

STOP letting people walk all over you under the guise of, forgiving just this once.. she sounds like a hideous selfish bitch that did not deserve an ounce of your sympathy OP.

You SHOULD have walked out...

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 29/09/2019 13:56

She was rude and ungrateful. If you had done all that for me I would certainly not have been bothered about a few mugs and plates being put in the wrong cupboard, instead I would have thanked you for all your help and for being such a good friend. Some people don’t know when they are well off.

MzHz · 29/09/2019 14:01

So... what’s happened has happened.

What are you going to do about it?

Please say that you’re off the “help” roster?

NotGreenNotKeen · 29/09/2019 14:04

Sounds like it's out of character...maybe? What's she ill with? If it's big like cancer then expect mood swings xxx

Fookinwot · 29/09/2019 14:04

I hope she apologises when she comes to her senses. If not I’d tell her where to go next time.

katewhinesalot · 29/09/2019 14:17

When she's better I'd bring it up. If she's sorry, I'd forgive her but I'd never put myself out for her again.

letsdolunch321 · 29/09/2019 14:17

I would fuck her off big time.

You have been very kind to help
out and she has one over some dining/cutlery being put away in the wrong place.

She would cross me once and that would be her lot 😁

TinkerPony · 29/09/2019 14:26

Omg you been helping her for a few days and this how she repay you.
No thank you, no thoughtful token choco wine that cud be order online while bedbound. Plus sound like there no biscuits offered with your tea - just giving out about misplaced dishes, urgh the noises clashes dishes, the tone of voice. Just nasty.
I would have walked out there and then.
Have she apologied since?

TinkerPony · 29/09/2019 14:32

Forgot to add if she was genuinely ill how had she have the energy to be spiteful at you over dishes.
Should be humble and so grateful for your help.

TriciaH87 · 29/09/2019 14:34

Tell her next time she's ill she can get her own kids to school, do her shopping online if she can't go and pay for a dog walker. Ungrateful b**ch.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 29/09/2019 14:36

Please don’t just let it go op. Or you will be a doormat forever. You don’t have to start ww3 but at least send her a text saying she was very rude and you went out of your way to help her out and didn’t deserve that. Hopefully she will say sorry. If not fuck her.

diddl · 29/09/2019 14:41

If it's out of character & might be the illness or medication, I'd have expected a pretty swift & heartfelt apology.

eddielizzard · 29/09/2019 14:57

Would you have done the same to her? Excusing her is all very well, but she was bang out of order. I think we go too far in making allowances for bad behaviour sometimes. Otherwise how will she know she's gone too far if no one tells her?

Chouetted · 29/09/2019 14:59

Ungracious but if she's been that ill, it might be expecting a bit much to expect her to be up to graciousness.

A bit horrified at the previous posters.

Boysey45 · 29/09/2019 15:00

I'd want an apology as well, otherwise that would be it with the friendship. Even if I got that then I still wouldn't be doing her any more favours.
I think she had a cheek asking you to do all this in the first place.Wheres her family and or partner? they should be stepping up surely not a friend.

billy1966 · 29/09/2019 15:05

OP, she certainly doesn't sound as if she appreciates or respects you.

Now you know!

Fuma · 29/09/2019 15:06

If she's not normally like that I would put it down to her feeling unwell and physically overwhelmed, perhaps focusing on the plates etc rather than more worrying and upsetting thoughts about illness and capacity to cope and so on. That's not to say that she gets free rein, but maybe go gently with her.

ddl1 · 29/09/2019 15:11

She was indeed being ungrateful. Does she perhaps have some mental health problems, or could she be taking medication that affects her judgement and behaviour? If not, then I would be much less willing to help her in the house in the future.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 29/09/2019 15:24

What is she like normally? Is she always a bit demanding and snarky or is she usually easy going? It's the kind of thing that my Mother would do if she was in pain and operating at her limits, and I would forgive her because she's my Mum. If a friend did it, then I would let it go but if she ever needed help again I would limit my offer of help to things that suited me and couldn't be done 'wrong', like doing the school run.

Fuma · 29/09/2019 15:26

Medication is a good point. I pretty much lost my mind when I was heavily dosed on codeine and morphine and had many conversations with people that were ludicrous, obsessing about minor things and so on. Some people even go a bit doo-lally on otc co-codamol. So yes, of course she was being unreasonable objectively speaking but there could be reasons behind why she was. It all depends on what she's generally like imo as to how you deal with this.

RedskyLastNight · 29/09/2019 15:27

In her defense ... if I'm not feeling low, discovering that someone had put some crockery away in the wrong place, when I hadn't asked them to touch it would probably give me the rage too as I would just focus on the fact you'd made extra work for me to sort them out properly. Yes, it would be entirely unreasonable of me as clearly you'd done a lot to help, which I would be grateful for, but sometimes you don't focus on the right things when you were ill.

My mother once told me I was very selfish because I only wanted help on my own terms. I think this is sort of an example of this - clearly friend was happy (and hopefully grateful) for the school run and shopping help. However, once you'd started to find other things to do to "help" that she didn't actually want you to do ... is she entirely unreasonable to feel ungrateful?

the other thing that spring to mind is when (for example) poster goes away with her family leaving MIL to water the plants, and comes home to find that MIL has done all the washing, ironing and hoovered from top to bottom. Some people always think you should be grateful, and others will feel that you hadn't asked her to do it and didn't want it done ...

StroppyWoman · 29/09/2019 15:28

I'd probably feel a bit fed uo but would cut her some slack. When you're seriiusly ill or in a lot of pain it can make you a right mardy arse. Focusing on small frustrations you can address rather than the huge illness-related ones you can't is the way some people respond.

If she's generally a decent person, show her some compassion. She's not herself.

Maseandmum · 29/09/2019 15:30

Don’t do anything for her again