Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to call the Police on DH??

105 replies

NoPatienceNow · 29/09/2019 12:19

I am feeling so down. I have had a really tough year, DH is emotionally abusive. I am pre-menstrual and therefore a bit emotional etc anyway. DH cannot discuss anything without getting and get and losing his temper. Today he had wanted to use my car. I just said no as I need it. Of course he didn’t accept this so went on and on, which is what often happens, but he won’t usually take the car unless I say it is ok. Today he just took the car. I told him I will call the police. He said “If you call the Police, you will have taken this relationship to another level”. I said he already had done that by taking the car. I then hung up and didn’t answer when he called back.

I don’t think I even have the guts to call the police but I am tempted. I don’t think they would do anything as he is my husband and he is on the insurance, although I now plan to take him off. I’m not sure I would even go through with doing that! He comes home and is nice to me for half an hour and somehow convinces me everything is ok! I’m such an idiot.

The car thing is a long running argument and has been going on for about two years. He won’t buy a car and if I don’t let him take mine then he tells me I’m being an unreasonable bitch. Today while he was carrying on, before taking the car, he was stomping around downstairs saying “You look like a witch, you smell like a witch and you act like a witch”. I missed much of what he said as I put my fingers in my ears when he is shouting and swearing at me but he happily confirmed to me after that this what he’d said.

I have pointed out that if I am so U about car then surely he would just make other arrangements. He said he is sick of having to “beg” for it. I said discussing it isn’t the same as him begging. But he also doesn’t get to just announce he is taking it without considering me.

I am so fed up.

OP posts:
welshladywhois40 · 29/09/2019 14:09

Life is too short. Leave or go stay with some friends or relatives to get some headspace.

NaviSprite · 29/09/2019 14:10

I can’t add much more than others already have OP but as a fellow mum who lost a child this year - I just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss and if you want a virtual ear, feel free to message me Flowers

I will add that previous issues with my DH did become more difficult after we lost our DS (stillbirth) but not to the degree you are stating - so whilst grief can magnify the anger don’t let him pin his atrocious behaviour on grief alone (especially as you have mentioned he was like this before) x

LannieDuck · 29/09/2019 14:12

A relationship shouldn't be this hard.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 29/09/2019 14:12

I know it's not as easy as just leaving - but can you start making a plan, maybe?

I know it feels like you're not strong enough to leave yet, but you're like a person up to their neck in a freezing lake, thinking, "as soon as I warm up a bit, I'll be able to get out of this lake". You're never going to get warm until you start wading for shore, and you will feel worse and worse about yourself the longer you stay with this abusive man.

MashedSpud · 29/09/2019 14:18

When there’s too many negatives it’s best to call it a day. You have no kids making you stay. Move on and find someone who’s not an arse.

cdtaylornats · 29/09/2019 14:27

If this was the other way round and you took his car when he refused permission, you can bet the opinion on here would be - joint assets and he is controlling.

Raspberrytruffle · 29/09/2019 14:30

Take him off the insurance asap as his behaviour isnt going to change and he will only bother getting off his ass to get a car when his easy option is gone, I'd also hide the spare keys

VenusTiger · 29/09/2019 14:32

Devils adv here - OP why won’t you let him use the car? Are you both incapable of sharing anything? He’s your husband and again, devils adv. he might just be really wound up and pissed off at your constant defiance?

Just a thought.

If it were the other way around and he said you could use his car, but only when he decided you could, that would be considered controlling.

GreenItWas · 29/09/2019 14:32

I think you are a boiled frog OP

Flowers I'm sorry for your loss but don't let it get you stuck. I think you need to leave and find an altogether better place with peace and away from his abuse. He will never behave any differently, it's not in his interest to do so.

81Byerley · 29/09/2019 14:35

Your problems sound like much more than the car. I do think you'd be better off without him . Imagine living every day without arguments and abuse! And knowing you could use your car whenever you want.

EleanorReally · 29/09/2019 14:36

have you contacted any support for your grief?

Original poster
NoPatienceNow · 29/09/2019 14:46

I have had counselling and been in touch with Sands as above

Yes I absolutely agree we should be able to share a car. The issue is that he uses it, has contributed next to nothing (I have set out above the history of it) and yet he thinks he has priority to use it. I needed the car today for pet food as we have run out. He had gone out. He had said he’d buy some but that was before we argued and he won’t be back before 4-5pm. There isn’t anywhere in walking distance I can get some. He didn’t mention before today that he had plans (he said he has an “appointment”). To be honest I don’t want to share a car as it doesn’t work. Over the past two years I have ended up doing less and less on evenings and weekends as, while before I could just decide to go shopping or pop in to see my mum or whatever, now I can’t as he always has plans for the car. If he wants the car all the time, when he wants it, then he needs his own car. If he wants to share then he needs to be prepared to go without too. As it is, I go without and have paid the lion’s share while he has damaged the car and put my insurance premium up. I probably wouldn’t feel so aggrieved by it if I hadn’t bought this one so he could have the old one! My dad got his old car (car 2) repaired (because he had bought me the car and so it had some sentimental value to us) and it would have only cost DH £400 to keep but he said he didn’t want it and never had. So it was sold. That’s the ridiculous thing - we could have had two cars but it’s as if he likes taking mine from me.

OP posts:
millimollimandi · 29/09/2019 14:46

But then we have a good day and I think it’s not so bad!

I hope you'll be happy to have this on your gravestone. You have one life - why in hell's name would you waste it with someone who at best is 'not so bad'? Just why???

I really despair with some people on this forum who put up with so much crap. Then others who seem to think their DP/H talking to a woman is grounds to leave. Sheesh!

apacketofcrisps · 29/09/2019 14:51

He’s never gonna change. So your options are live your life in this misery til he gets bored and fucks off, or you leave now and make your life better.

Charley50 · 29/09/2019 14:53

He's using the car to control your ability to live your life how you want it isn't he? Sounds very isolating.
It's emotional abuse and financial abuse and coercive control.
You have to find the strength to get rid of him but not without help as others have said.

messolini9 · 29/09/2019 15:01

Over the past two years I have ended up doing less and less on evenings and weekends

Nobody who has survived a coercively controlling relationship will be surprised at this, OP. He is isolating your from your friends. He has already performed his charm offensive at your parents.

That’s the ridiculous thing - we could have had two cars but it’s as if he likes taking mine from me
Of course he does. He is establishing dominance, & showing you how little you matter. It's also convenient to him to keep you penned up at home, reliant on him & his occasional good moods.

Hos cavalier attitude toward your big payments for this contentious car also reek of financial abuse. He has made you shell out for a car YOU did not need to buy, he has deliberately refused the car your dad paid to repair, & still you are not allowed to drive your own car when you want. Not even to pop out to see your mum, at your own whim.

It's almost as if he dislikes you & wants to ruin your life, isn't it?
Start gathering your strength, & save it all for yourself & your future plans. xxx

raspberryk · 29/09/2019 15:06

I'd throw him out

SunshineCake · 29/09/2019 15:06

No way does it sound like you are married to a child Hmm and the poster who said that needs to rethink their parenting sharpish.

You are married to a pathetic, controlling, abusive bully and you need to leave or shut up moaning to your parents about him. They won't help. Only you can help yourself. Once you have decided you want out there are lots of posters and organisations who will help you.

He won't change. Why should he? He has you for all his domestic and I assume sexual needs as well as a play thing to throw his weight around on and abuse.

Come on love, get strong and get out.

Allergictoironing · 29/09/2019 15:09

Devils adv here - OP why won’t you let him use the car?

The OP isn't never allowing him to use the car, she just wants to be able to use her own car for things that need doing and him not to take the car on his every whim thus depriving her of the ability to use it when she needs it. Right in her OP she says she said "no" because she needed it that day herself, and he just took it anyway.

HeavenlyEyes · 29/09/2019 15:15

I agree - he is controlling your life by not allowing you to go out. Whenever you want the car he wants it so you are trapped.

Please speak to Women's Aid.

Fleetheart · 29/09/2019 15:19

OP, he is not being good to you. It’s time for you to think of yourself. Would you do these things to him? Of course not. He is not being reasonable. Like you say, there are no consequences. It’s time for you to say “I can’t live like this”, if he wants a car he can get his own. If he doesn’t do so then I believe it’s time to split. I believe he is being abusive to you; and you are needy so you accept it. I understand it as I have been there, but it’s no way to live a life. He should be helping you in your life, not making it more difficult!

Gin96 · 29/09/2019 15:21

Just leave, why on earth are you still with him? Get out now and have a happy life without him

Forgottenwhatsleepis · 29/09/2019 15:24

I've been in your shoes, and it took me 12 years to finally have had enough. That was nearly 4 years ago. IMHO you need to leave him, but I don't think you will as you think you're not strong enough, don't have the support, etc, and you may be right. If you don't feel ready to leave him just yet, get as much visual/audio/written proof as you possibly can. UK law have taken DV, especially mental, coercive and financial abuse seriously in the last few years (the abuses that are 'hard to prove'). Don't make it obvious you are getting the proof, or he is likely to turn violent.
Once you are ready to leave, most citizen advice bureaus have a One Stop Shop for victims of DV. They can put you in touch with solicitors, where you are likely to be awarded legal costs, the police, and the Freedom Programme. Good luck OP, I'm thinking of you, and feel free to PM me if you want to talk x

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 29/09/2019 15:25

”Devils adv here - OP why won’t you let him use the car? Are you both incapable of sharing anything?”

@VenusTiger - in the first paragraph of her OP, @NoPatienceNow said she did not want her dh to use the car because SHE needed it - she didn’t say she never lets him use it.

yellowallpaper · 29/09/2019 15:37

You have a good job, a car, house and no children. What on Earth is stopping you from leaving and getting a divorce? Or staying and getting a divorce?