To want to call the Police on DH??

[NoPatienceNow]

I am feeling so down. I have had a really tough year, DH is emotionally abusive. I am pre-menstrual and therefore a bit emotional etc anyway. DH cannot discuss anything without getting and get and losing his temper. Today he had wanted to use my car. I just said no as I need it. Of course he didn’t accept this so went on and on, which is what often happens, but he won’t usually take the car unless I say it is ok. Today he just took the car. I told him I will call the police. He said “If you call the Police, you will have taken this relationship to another level”. I said he already had done that by taking the car. I then hung up and didn’t answer when he called back.

I don’t think I even have the guts to call the police but I am tempted. I don’t think they would do anything as he is my husband and he is on the insurance, although I now plan to take him off. I’m not sure I would even go through with doing that! He comes home and is nice to me for half an hour and somehow convinces me everything is ok! I’m such an idiot.

The car thing is a long running argument and has been going on for about two years. He won’t buy a car and if I don’t let him take mine then he tells me I’m being an unreasonable bitch. Today while he was carrying on, before taking the car, he was stomping around downstairs saying “You look like a witch, you smell like a witch and you act like a witch”. I missed much of what he said as I put my fingers in my ears when he is shouting and swearing at me but he happily confirmed to me after that this what he’d said.

I have pointed out that if I am so U about car then surely he would just make other arrangements. He said he is sick of having to “beg” for it. I said discussing it isn’t the same as him begging. But he also doesn’t get to just announce he is taking it without considering me.

I am so fed up.

OP don't think about it just leave. Get your car back and leave in it, have you got someone to stay with? A travel lodge for one night just so you can breath without him trying to control you? So you can lay down in peace and think without worrying about him finding you?

Big hug.

So sorry for your loss xx

You sound exhausted, OP, and while other people have mentioned coercive control, I think you may need a little more help learning about it. This is one of the best pages. For anyone reading this who is in the same situation, the page has a link that will allow you immediately exit it if you fear your partner seeing you reading it, and also a link to help you cover your tracks online so they don’t learn you’ve been on the page. It has lots of information. www.healthtalk.org/peoples-experiences/domestic-violence-abuse/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse/coercive-controlling-behaviour

But here’s just one quote from the page that sounds SO much like your situation, OP:
As Irina said, ‘One day I’m his princess… the next day I’m a fucking bitch’. Jacqui described how ‘You start being afraid just to be who you are, you try and become the person that you know they want you to be’.

I know that sounds familiar to you. Woman have killed to save themselves from and woman have died at the hands of abusive partners from coercive control. It IS a form of abuse that is recognized.

I know you’re tired, I know you’re broken down, but just make that first call to Women’s Aid. They know what it’s like to be that tired and they can help you start making a plan to leave that meets you where you’re at, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

@Snowman123 op has already said that she needed it.

Op, I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t see how you can properly grieve when you’re stuck in a toxic relationship like this.
This is an unhealthy relationship which is disempowering you. Even if you step away for a break it will help you see more clearly.
Sending you a hug, you sound like you need one.

I’d love to have some time alone in my home

Make it so OP.

One thing about grief is the total clarity it can bring.

Your husband is abusive. The reasons are not relevant, you can choose to not have that abuse in your life. Focus on the logistics.

Your parents also sound abusive. You can choose to set boundaries for yourself there too if you like but since you don't live with them it is less urgent. Don't move in with them.

Make your own space in the world and make it the way you want it.

Other people can then decide if they want to change abusive behaviour or not, that's not your responsibility. Allowing them access to your space is your responsibility and you can make that on any terms you are comfortable with once you have time to be yourself.

Take care of yourself. Treat yourself with love and protection.

Do you have someone you could stay with for a week or so? It sounds like you really need a break.

He doesn’t ‘adore’ you. He sounds like he despises you. Get out, OP, life is too short to be in an abusive relationship where you’re worn down by him and he treats you like shit.

It really all depends on what makes it YOUR car. It comes down to your financial arrangements. If he pays more in the pot, but can't afford two cars, you have it because you say work further away and he can walk to his, I don't think it is unreasonable that it should be come your joint car over the weekend.

If he was asking because he had to do something important and he couldn't do when it's pissing down with rain, and you don't really have any clear plan for the rest of the day but just wanted the car just in case, you are being unreasonable.

If however, you both end up at the end of the month with the same disposable income, and you pay everything about the car out of your share, then it makes it you car indeed. If you were yourself needing to go and pick something up that couldn't wait, had told him, and the only reason he wanted to car was to go to a friend to watch football, then yes, that would make him totally unreasonable.

Some of the answers here show that there are still many people who don't understand emotional abuse. It is not as simple as "tell him" or "just leave" or "yabu for not letting him have the car if you didn't need it"

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you leave and many abusers massively escalate either when they suspect their partner is about to leave or within the first twelve months of the relationship ending. It takes careful planning and support in order to go.

Op please call the NCDV ‭0808 109 7517‬

They can offer support & guidance or just listen if that's what you need. They can also arrange for an Occupational Order to have him removed from the house for 30 days - even if he is on the deeds or tenancy. This can be arranged by NCDV for free under the Domestic Abuse Gateway.

This is the best advice on the thread, OP. Please take it. They will be able to support you in taking those first steps in ridding yourself of him.

I don’t really understand the car situation, you’ve been arguing over the car for two years?? Why can’t you share it or why doesn’t he have his own.

Anyway it sounds like a smoke screen for bigger issues and is a source to wind each other up. It doesn’t sound as though you like each other, I couldn’t live like that.

Do you want to separate? What is holding you back.

OP I'm sorry for your loss and that you're still in grief. It doesn't make what would anyway be a difficult situation nay easier. I'm sorry too that he managed to charm your parents to the extent he did so that they don't have your back either.

You say you're worn down and that you don't have the strength to do anything. Part of that is what you've gone through with the loss of your child,, but a big part of it is that even before that his behaviour and the way he's treated you has worn you down and taken away your confidence, self esteem and inner strength. You've said you have good days and that's why you're still there. That might just be the way things are, but think about it. If things were shit all the time you'd leave. So maybe the good days are a tactic to keep you hanging on. Whether it's deliberate or not, that's the effect it's having. So you need to put the good days out of your mind and remember what life's like most of the time.

You don't need the stress of this. Finding the courage to leave is never easy. You think about all the ways life will be harder, and don't focus on the positives. It's a common cognitive bias in decision making - if someone is due for an operation that will vastly improve their quality of life, but also has a 3% chance of killing them, they will focus exclusively on the 3% risk, not the 97% chance of being much better. So think about the benefits of not having to live like this, not the 3% of times when currently things are good.

Just to add, you sound beaten down by him (understandable from what you have written) have you got any friends or family who can support you leaving or making him leave?

But then we have a good day and I think it’s not so bad!
Only because he has ground you down do you consider "not so bad" any basis for a healthy & happy relationship.
Why would you stick around for "not so bad" if he hadn't slowly made you feel you don't deserve any more than that?

I wasn’t just talking to a friend and she said I need to toughen up and be more like him
You really don't.
You need to toughen up & be more like YOU.
The you you were before his constant temper, aggression, & undermining made you accept his horrible behaviour.

Don't bother reporting him about the car. There is nothing the police can do about it, & no point in winding up your nasty partner to abuse you again. Concentrate all your energy on how happy you were before you found yourself enmeshed with this abusive man, & how happy you can be again in future without him.

For strength, insight & compassion, start here - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Other people dont live in your house so dont get tp see what goes on, and if you told them what was happening behind closed doors i dont think they would come to the conclusion that he "obviously adores you" after all you say what a good actor he is yourself.

Someone who disrespects you and attempts to ctush your self esteem is NOT a good partner.

The police cant control his behaviour and neither can you. The best thing you can do is remove yourself from this toxic environment; that you CAN control.

Get on your broomstick and fly off! No seriously , you are a modern witch so get in your car and never look back!!

Don’t waste police time. Just leave.

As an FYI, the police absolutely can help you. Domestic abuse - including emotional abuse - is a crime.

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

You can report it to your neighbourhood policing team (101) and they will arrange for an officer to come out and see you to discuss it. They can come at a time when he is out (e.g., at work) and the initial appointment would be purely to give you advice and information on the help they can offer, contact details of support agencies, and to ask how you want to proceed.

@NoPatienceNow, this is classic ploy straight from the Abuser's Handbook - He is so good at playing the martyr. I even called my mum the other night to talk and she came over, brought my dad, and he seemed like the perfect son in law, brought up any remotely negative thing I had ever said or done and by the end they were telling me I need to do more for him and my mum was shutting me up to let him speak!

Please read the Lundy Bancroft book in the link above, & make contact with Women's Aid.
Right now, it doesn;t sound like there is anything you can go to the police with, but Women's Aid can guide & support you.

The real tragedy is you saying you cannot find the strength to leave. This is because he has stolen your strength - take it back! Your life will be so much easier & happier without him.

The issue is beyond the car but it is my car. Four years ago just before we moved in together he had his own car, car 1, and I had my own car, car 2. Car 1 broke down and needed £100s to repair which he didn’t think worth it so he persuaded me the best thing to do was for me to buy a new car, car 3, and he would take car 2, as I had more money for a new car. I didn’t think it was fair as I liked my car and didn’t need a new one but agreed. I bought car 3 on a PCP deal and he traded in car 1 which was valued at about £1000. car 3 cost about £15000 altogether. So I paid something like £250 a month for two years and then about two years ago car 2 broke down and needed £100s to repair which he didn’t think worth it. His solution was that we share a car. For a bit he paid towards the monthly payments but it amounted to about £1500 when I’ve paid ten times that overall. The agreement ended after three years and I had to pay the balance of £8000 to keep the car. It was no longer worth trading in because of all of the mileage he had put on it. He had also had a small bump in it. My insurance is higher too as he has a bad driving history and I lost some no claims when he went into the back of someone. So it’s been two years and really I don’t want to share as that generally involves me not having the car when I need it as he ALWAYS thinks what he wants / needs to do is more important than what I need / want to do. He thinks I have more money so it’s more acceptable for me to pay for a taxi. So I pay for the car but get to use it less or pay for taxis on top.

Coercive control is a crime. The police can help you if that's what's going on.

If you remove him from the insurance and tell him he's not insured, and he takes it without consent then that's theft and your insurance company would pursue him for costs of any incident as long as you told them and the police he took it without consent. You need to leave him.

I don’t speak to my mum about what goes on as she isn’t very reasoned about anything. She either tells me I’m wrong (like the other day, after she’s listened to him) or if I tell he things he does then she obviously dislikes him. So I don’t talk to her. I have an aunt I trust who I have talked to and she had seen and heard herself his temper. She is the only person who really knows what goes on. She used to talk to both of us to try to help and even DH would call her to talk but then she got to know what he was like and told him she didn’t like what he was doing so of course he doesn’t like her now and calls her mental!

I know how it all sounds. It’s not good.

Thanks for the links.

If you remove him from the insurance and tell him he's not insured, and he takes it without consent then that's theft and your insurance company would pursue him for costs of any incident as long as you told them and the police he took it without consent.*

See I worry it would all end up coming back to me as his wife as he doesn’t have any savings etc.

Ah right, from what you have said he sounds an arse, this will go on for years and you’re worth so much more than that.

He sounds impulsive and irresponsible and you seem like you have to pick up the pieces all the time. He doesn't respect you. I would leave.

@swingofthings - are you reading the same thread as the rest of us?
Why are you focusing on the car of all things, & making a judgement about who is in the right about having it?

The OP's husband throws keys at her, loses his temper, does not allow her to speak, bullies her constantly & verbally abuses her.

Your post is as useful as ironing the handkerchiefs while the kitchen is burning down. OP needs to protect herself & her mental health, especially considering her recent bereavement & awful grief, & get away from this bastard, not negotiate fair sharing of the feckin' car.