To want to call the Police on DH??

[NoPatienceNow]

I am feeling so down. I have had a really tough year, DH is emotionally abusive. I am pre-menstrual and therefore a bit emotional etc anyway. DH cannot discuss anything without getting and get and losing his temper. Today he had wanted to use my car. I just said no as I need it. Of course he didn’t accept this so went on and on, which is what often happens, but he won’t usually take the car unless I say it is ok. Today he just took the car. I told him I will call the police. He said “If you call the Police, you will have taken this relationship to another level”. I said he already had done that by taking the car. I then hung up and didn’t answer when he called back.

I don’t think I even have the guts to call the police but I am tempted. I don’t think they would do anything as he is my husband and he is on the insurance, although I now plan to take him off. I’m not sure I would even go through with doing that! He comes home and is nice to me for half an hour and somehow convinces me everything is ok! I’m such an idiot.

The car thing is a long running argument and has been going on for about two years. He won’t buy a car and if I don’t let him take mine then he tells me I’m being an unreasonable bitch. Today while he was carrying on, before taking the car, he was stomping around downstairs saying “You look like a witch, you smell like a witch and you act like a witch”. I missed much of what he said as I put my fingers in my ears when he is shouting and swearing at me but he happily confirmed to me after that this what he’d said.

I have pointed out that if I am so U about car then surely he would just make other arrangements. He said he is sick of having to “beg” for it. I said discussing it isn’t the same as him begging. But he also doesn’t get to just announce he is taking it without considering me.

I am so fed up.

Another saying why on earth are you with him? Life is short.

He will not change.

There are countless threads on MN that testify to the broken years of women havjng their strength and sanity undermined while hoping that an angry abusive man will change.

He won’t change.

The reason you don’t feel
Strong enough to leave is because he is making you feel that way, using your energy up, exhausting you with stress, and making you doubt yourself because you ‘have nice days’. And because like ALL men like this he has manipulated your parents to be in his side.

You ARE strong enough to leave, you just don’t know it. And when you do you will feel liberated and invincible!

You need to leave him OP. You can't be talked to / treated like that

Awww sorry OP cross posted - but losing your DC is no reason to stay in an unhappy home. Ignore what "everyone" says about him - they don't live with him and his abuse.

He does not love you when he treats you like this. Please do not try to make excuses for him. There is no logic with an abuser and even if there was a reason it does not mean that it's acceptable or that you have to put up with it. He knows exactly what he's doing and there's no excuse.

I am sorry for the loss of your DC.

Sorting out your grief is far more important. He may also be grieving, but you must separate as it is toxic. You need space to live and grieve in safety. Losing a child is a lifelong grief. I am so sorry for your loss.

Honestly, get out. A relationship where you only think thinks are "OK" part of the time and the rest of the time he is utterly horrible is simply not worth preserving. You'll be so much happier without this piece of shit in your life.

Read up on coercive control and see how much fits... sounds like it does.

Why did you not want him to have the car? Not that it matters if you said no but it’s doubly rotten ofhim to take it if you needed it and it has screwed up your plans.

Start keeping a diary of all the rotten things he does or says to you. Add the nice things in too. Then you’ll see the pattern (guessing mostly rotten but occasionally nice so he can reel you back in so he can keep you there - as I bet you do most of the wifework and he lets you...

Read your diary back in a month’s time and think do I want this or would it be easier on my own?

A good relationship,is not one where nasty, abusive behaviour is balanced out by some good days. Abuse is never OK, whether the abuser is sometimes nice or not.

You sound utterly ground down and exhausted by this, @NoPatienceNow, and you deserve so much more. Have a big hug from me.

You can't make the Police turn him into a decent human being.

Do something about it, stop making excuses and sort your life out.

I’m sorry for your loss Op
It sounds like you’re having a dreadful time.

The grief is a big part of it and I hate that he is making an already difficult time even more difficult. It’s not that things are “ok” sometimes. Sometimes we actually feel so happy. Well I’m happy and it seems like we’re both happy and having fun. We don’t do much together. We rarely go out and of anything together which I am not fond of. Sometimes it feels like we belong together and we are a perfect fit and if not for his temper maybe everything would be ok. I knew he answer on MN would be “LTB”!

I’d love to have some time alone in my home, ideally with him leaving, but he wouldn’t go. I say that but I’m sure I’d find that difficult too. I feel very fragile at the moment.

Sorry for your loss

It sounds like you are going through a terrible time. Put yourself first and do what is best for you

Sounds like you are married to a child.

Just leave, your right you haven’t got the energy for this.

There is no point involving the police in this. You need to sort out your relationship problem. Since you are married surely the car should be a shared asset? If that would not work (and it sounds as though it wouldn't) then why not just LTB? It always very sad in court to see family members charged with taking a vehicle without consent (usually it is teenagers not spouses). By the time of the court case everyone regrets the situation and is full of remorse and wishes they had never involved the police et etc.

It doesn't matter what other people think he is like or what they say. You have to live with him.
The fights over the car are nonsense. As a PP said, lots of couples share one car. It doesn't descend into name calling and threats to call the police.
But you are worn down by him and you don't sound like you like each other.
If you can't summon the energy to leave, no-one else can do it for you. But counselling (for you, without him) might help to focus you and help you to leave.

Op please call the NCDV ‭0808 109 7517‬

They can offer support & guidance or just listen if that's what you need. They can also arrange for an Occupational Order to have him removed from the house for 30 days - even if he is on the deeds or tenancy. This can be arranged by NCDV for free under the Domestic Abuse Gateway.

Sorry for your loss.

What he does is show you a glimpse of what reeled you in to prevent you leaving. This is more about control.

You need to make plans to leave it will not improve

Good lord, it's not about the car, is it?

I'm sure that a lot of couples have one car but manage to sort out who has it when.

"“You look like a witch, you smell like a witch and you act like a witch”."

What on earth is that all about?

He sound unhinged!

You are staying with a man who you say is emotionally abusive. Leaving him would be a better first option than calling the police.

I don't understand why anyone would not want their DH to drive their car.

I’m so sorry to read you and your DH just lost a child! Have you both had any grief counselling? Many many couples sadly end up splitting after such a tragedy because it is so Earth-shattering. My dear friends lost a child to SUDS (like SIDS but for anyone older than an infant). They were both so full of anger in their grieving that they constantly lashed out at & hurt each other. It was only through grief counselling that they managed to break that toxic cycle that was destroying their relationship.
You can’t do nothing, your current situation is toxic and intolerable. You can try counselling if you think there is hope for the two of you. If not, you would not be unusual in splitting up. Many couples go that route and it’s not a failure just what is best for them.

Of course the MN answer would be "LTB", because he's a toxic, manipulative, abusive bastard, and you already know this!!!

I mean this with as much niceness as I can muster - put your big girl pants on and make plans to leave him, or for him to leave, depending on the housing situation. Call someone, such as a domestic violence helpline, and get the fuck out. You're doing yourself no favours and with all the will in the world, he isn't going to change. So change things yourself.

You only have to read a few threads on MN to see how women have managed to get out of relationships but have been mentally and emotionally worn down by their partners. Their message is the same: don't stand for it. Don't stay. Don't keep on doing the same things. Get out.

Sorry for your loss OP. I think you won't ask him to leave because you're understandably scared of his reaction. And that's why you want the police.
Also if your family like him you feel like you don't have 'back-up' if he won't go etc.
I would tell your family and friends what he is really like and involve Women's Aid, or the organisation about to help get him out. Even the police when you are actually ready to not let him back in the house.
I imagine he will turn very nasty when you end it so you shouldn't do it alone.

Well to us reading this on here it's completely obvious that this is not a kind and loving relationship. Your friends and parents sound "charmed" by him. You need to print off all your paperwork, have a meeting with a divorce lawyer to find out the best way to fleece him and drive off into the sunset. Also ditch your unloyal parents.