To think that single parents are often given sympathy when it's not needed.

[Mamabear144]

As a single parent I genuinely think people feel sorry for us which is so unnecessary. It makes sense if the person had a partner and then had to adjust but when you are a single parent from day one it's all you know in the life of parenthood.
Personally I have had people ask how I do it and not have breaks and not go out but I see it as I get to give my ds double the love, double the attention, double the fun and I get double the hugs and kisses.
Sometimes we don't have the time or energy to do things but that's probably every parent at some point in time.
Would love to hear everyone's opinions?

@pink why don't you read the thread fully and read it from their perspectives rather than your own. I'm not being a dick but you are doing what posters are saying annoys and patronises them.

I think you should read the thread yourself Fizz and stop trying to speak for others. So far no one else seems to have taken issue with my comment or expressed anything like you have. Posters are sharing their experiences and I have read them with great interest. You’re the only one taking offence where there is none to be had and unnecessarily having a go at another poster - very much acting like self righteous dick although you reckon otherwise...

Ok pink, you're obviously feeling quite defensive about this. However, you don't parent like a single parent when your husband works away.

So I have a lot of respect for parents who I know have to parent like this all time.

With all due respect you are not parenting the way single parents parent all the time when your OH is away.

Even when he's away you still have someone else to share the burdens of parenting. As Fizzy says you still have someone to share your worries with, someone to share the responsibility with - single parents don't. If something goes to shit you can call up your OH & discuss the options available - single parents can't! You know that although he's away he'll be back at the end of those 6 weeks - for single parents it's a long stretch of forever alone!

Many have pointed out on the thread that it's patronising & annoying when friends say "I know how you feel my DH works away/long hours so I'm like a single parent" because it's not the same - yet you have come along & essentially said the same thing

@Pinkblueberry
I wrote about people like you on the first page of this thread.

When you say "I respect you because you need to parent like this all the time" what you are actually saying is "I have to do it for 6 weeks so I know how it feels. You do it all the time so I respect you because it's tough for me for just 6 weeks".

You think you're being nice. You think you're giving respect. You're not.

For those 6 weeks, it might be tough but I guarantee that I don't "parent like that" all the time. Because what you do for those 6 weeks is not single parenting. What I do all the time is single parenting.

Your husband isn't there for that time, but his presence will still be felt. If there was a horrible emergency, something truly terrible, he would fly home. If something amazing happens, he can talk to you all on the phone and join in with it. If you have worries, you can call him and have a someone to share the situation with and work out a solution together. The support is there, even when he isn't physically in the house. You are not a single parent. Not at all.

I don't parent like that. I am a single parent. I don't have that. So when you say "you need to parent like that all the time" you are completely wrong and it's the most annoying, condescending attitude I come across. You don't need to single parent at all so you don't get to tell me that you understand and respect me for doing what you do because you don't do it.

Sometimes I get sympathy, sometimes I get respect. Occasionally I get lectures on why children need their fathers.

Although one of those bossy people promptly divorced her husband so I think she was projecting.

OP, in all honesty, you have one 18 month old, you live at home with your mother, you have zero responsibilities apart from your child, you don't work or study, you get paid maintenance, your ex has DC for a period of time and somehow you still have cash left over to save for special occasions (after 'rent' and a food shop.)

I don't think you're in the position to tell single parents with older children, multiple children, a mortgage/rent to pay, bills to pay, full/part time jobs, an absent/useless ex partner, no family/friends nearby... what they do or do not need/deserve.

I understand you have medical issues but that doesn't negate the fact that you have it incredibly easy.

I never said I was like a single parent, anywhere on this thread if anyone takes issue with what I said in terms of respect then fair enough - but don’t put words into my mouth and then take offence about something that was never said. I’m certainly not the defensive one here - sounds like a lot of other people have a chip on their shoulder though. But I still stand by my comment about respect. If a few of you find that patronising then so be it.

@Pinkblueberry

No one put words in your mouth. That is what you said.

I have a lot of respect for parents who i know have to parent like this all the time

You explain that your husband is away for 6 weeks. That you need to parent for those 6 weeks, and then you say that single parents need to parent like you in those 6 weeks, but we do it all the time. So what you've done is conclude that for those 6 weeks, you are parenting in the same way that we are. You conclude that for those 6 weeks, you are doing the same as single parents. You find it hard so you respect us for doing it all the time.

You are not a single parent for those 6 weeks. Not at all.

@Pinkblueberry

I think what you meant to say was "I find it tough for those 6 weeks, and I still have the support of a fully involved father and I have an end date for when he comes home. I respect single parents because it must be so many times tougher for them."

We don't "parent like you" which is how you put it. We "parent like single parents". Which you do not.

@Pinkblueberry I quoted exactly where you suggested that you parent like a single parent when your OH is away but here it is again

those weeks, although perfectly manageable, are tough. So I have a lot of respect for parents who I know have to parent like this all time.

How single parents parent all the time is not how you parent when your OH is away & to suggest that it is is patronising as myself & others have pointed out.

Respect what we do if you like but don't think for a minute that you do anything like what we do 24/7/365 because your OH works away for 6 weeks at a time!

Because when he's not working away he's there helping with bedtime, washing the dishes, doing laundry, helping with homework, doing the school run, going to parents night/school concerts/shared start, he's doing activity drop offs & pick ups, letting you crash early because the kids have run you ragged all day & if you hear them say mum once more you feel like your head will explode and whether he's there or working away he's financially & emotionally contributing to & supporting you, your DC & your household.

So you can feck off if you're looking for any sort of recognition & praise on here because sometimes your OH works away & you feel hard done by that you're picking up the slack while he is... no one is picking up our slack!

I don't get a lot of sympathy as a single parent, I get a lot of people asking me how I do it... this is what I tell them

I do it because I have to, if I don't do it nobody else will

And that is the reality of life as a single parent.

There are single parents and single parents.

A huge amount of factors determine how easy or hard life is as a single parent including your income, the number of children you have, whether you work, what you do, how old your kids are, what your support network is like, I could go on. A single mother on benefits with four small kids and no support from anyone with childcare is in a vastly different boat from a single mother with one child, a decent income, support from the father and a good family and social network.

I'm a working single mother without much family support and what input I get from my DD's father is mostly negative but I'm on a fairly high income which helps a lot: it doesn't make the grind of the job easier but it cushions me from a lot of the worst aspects of it. I'm constantly grateful for the fact that whatever else I do lack I don't lack the money I need to give my daughter the basic security and material things she needs and to occasionally buy myself the freedom I need to feel sane. This goes a long way towards making it easier.

As numerous other posters have pointed out a fair amount of single mothers have left abusive or generally unsatisfactory relationships and being a single parent is always infinitely better than being in an unsupportive partnership so I think many of us feel better because its a step up from what went before.

So you can feck off if you're looking for any sort of recognition & praise on here because sometimes your OH works away & you feel hard done by

FFS NatashaAlianovaRomanova that is not what pink was saying at all.
Your comments to her have been totally out of order.

@DoYouTakeSelfEsteem my ex has him 4 hours a week and at the moment is getting ready for a new baby so can't take him as much. So I wouldn't really count 4 hours in one day a period of time. He's never had him overnight and no longer than 4 hours. Maybe before you start to judge you could find out everything. I have money left over to save, I save about 10 a week because I don't spend any money on myself and quit smoking and don't drink so that I can save, I make sacrifices just like any other parent. It's not a competition as to who has it the hardest. I understand that it's not as bad when they are little but I was also referring to what my dm went through in my OP and she completely agrees with me.

I was only a single parent for about 5-6 years but I loved it. I love my husband and money is less of a stress, but I’ll always look back fondly on having my own home just the way I liked it and snuggling on the sofa eating beans on toast - just DD and I, so I completely get where you’re coming from.

@Pinkblueberry I get where you're coming from and didn't take offense to your comment. I don't get why some people have to be horrible or take things too far on this. Is mumsnet not supposed to be a place we can all escape and express our opinions and thoughts.

I’m mid 40s, I earn good-ish money, I have a teenage DD and I’m a single mum. Why would I need sympathy?
It’s much much easier than when I had a husband.
The only thing that suffered was my career progression, I couldn’t go for a promotion because it would have involved longer hours, and I needed to be home for DD. But in the meantime, I took all the postgrad courses I could get my hand on, the minute she’s totally independent, I’m going for it and not looking back.
But otherwise, I’m happy :)

@Mamabear144
You understand where she is coming from because you live with your mum. You have live-in support. You have another adult for company and help. You're not alone. You also aren't responsible for keeping a roof over your child's head. Your mum does that. And you don't work or study, so there aren't any problem with juggling a career and childcare and school pick ups and drop offs.

We all have our own experiences and it's not a competition, but when someone who is absolutely not a single parent in any way comes along and says "you parent the same way I do for 6 weeks" it is condescending, incorrect and stupid. You probably don't feel that way because you're actually closer to her situation than to mine and other single parents.

You are still alone and at the end of the day, the buck stops with you so you don't parent like her either, but your situation is probably why you agree with what pink says.

I second @Lulualla. Massive difference if you have support from DCs father in any way or live with/have support from other adult(s) generally. In particular for the vast number of us who have never received a penny of maintenance, nor a single hour of support from the father, to compare your situation to that if DP works away is pretty insulting - the "working away" by definition says that you as a family do not exist on one income.

Having said that, I relate to a couple of PPs on here in that money hasn't been an issue and I'm grateful that I qualified well before having DD.

@Pinkblueberry I get that you were trying to be nice and empathetic to posters by saying what you said even if you called me a self righteous dick.

But you did come on to a thread and make the same comments others were saying were saying is patronising and annoying. I gently pulled you up on it and you didn't reflect and say oh shit I'm doing what these people say hurts them. You became defensive, probably because your intention was good but good intention or not it was the exact thing that people are complaining about. Thats is why other posters became annoyed with you. Don't take it to heart, learn from it and don't say you parent like a single parent for 6 weeks whilst your dh works away again to a single parent again.

Jesus some single parents seem determined to think they MUST have it harder in every possible circumstance. Being a single parent does not give you a monopoly on parenting being difficult... You have no idea what the lives of others entail.

@MariusJosipovic I completely agree!

i get to give my ds double the love, double the attention, double the fun and I get double the hugs and kisses.

It’s nice that you can see it in such a positive way, but can you really not see why some single parents are exhausted doing everything all the time with no help at all?!

I dunno, my mum was a single mum and she worked bloody hard. IMO there should be more support for single parents because it is that much more responsibility and pressure. I'm sure it's rewarding, but I don't understand why we don't value parents more, especially the single ones.

@Mamabear144

Not one person has said that. The only thing being complained about is when someone from a two parent household says "I'm like a single parent because my husband is away for a few weeks sometimes".
It's nothing to do with wanting to claim the "we have it hardest trophy". It's about not wanting to be condescended too. The OP doesn't know half of what it takes to parent alone because she's living in her mum's house with barely any financial responaibilites and has her mum living there with her, so it is a 2 adult household. She can agree all she likes that someone who's husband works away must understand single parenting but that doesn't make it correct.

I'm financially comfortable, but I'm saving for building works and buying a load of new furniture so it would be like me saying "I know how it feels to live on the breadline all the time because I've had to budget a lot for just this month as my money went on other stuff".
I might have one month of no disposable income, but that doesn't mean I understand what it's like to constantly live with no money.