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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that single parents are often given sympathy when it's not needed.

128 replies

Mamabear144 · 28/09/2019 21:35

As a single parent I genuinely think people feel sorry for us which is so unnecessary. It makes sense if the person had a partner and then had to adjust but when you are a single parent from day one it's all you know in the life of parenthood.
Personally I have had people ask how I do it and not have breaks and not go out but I see it as I get to give my ds double the love, double the attention, double the fun and I get double the hugs and kisses.
Sometimes we don't have the time or energy to do things but that's probably every parent at some point in time.
Would love to hear everyone's opinions?

OP posts:
Redannie118 · 28/09/2019 22:07

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/09/2019 22:08

@PumpkinP, I agree. There is still a lot of judgement of single mothers (but not so much single fathers.) I had some humorous school -cunt-, I mean, mum who said I should have kept my legs closed.

MrsJasonIsbell · 28/09/2019 22:09

I know single parenting is hard - been doing it 21 years on and off and youngest is yet to hit teen years. Have 2 difficult jobs and no maintenance coming in.
However, parenting in a bad relationship or trying to build a step family with an angry teen is MUCH worse!

Adelie0404 · 28/09/2019 22:12

well i am in awe. I have periods when I am " single" when my DH is at sea. It is bloody hard as I work more than full-time (Dr). They are 11 and 15 now so it is easier but one person being responsible for the lives of 2 others is so massive. There is so much to do.
Such a relief when DH returns.

Original poster
Mamabear144 · 28/09/2019 22:13

@MrsDimmond he's just over a year and a half.

OP posts:
MrsDimmond · 28/09/2019 22:14

If you had said "AIBU for getting pissed off with people who offer me sympathy just because I'm a single parent" You would have my whole hearted agreement. Totally not necessary and patronising.

My objection was to generalising the AIBU to single parents per se.

It's bound to hit a nerve for those single parents who are currently going through really tough times without sympathy or support.

PumpkinP · 28/09/2019 22:14

Lifeisabeach09 I’ve had similar comments, even my ex blames the 4 of them on me and says I tricked him into having them. 4 times Hmm he gets to walk away without any judgement as he doesn’t tell anyone he meets he has kids. Meanwhile I get all the stick, people constantly assumed they have different dads (not that it would matter) but in a negative way, I’ve had “I bet they don’t all have the same dad!”

Lobsterquadrille2 · 28/09/2019 22:15

I've been a sole parent for nearly 22 years (DD's father has not had any contact at all for 17 of those; his choice). I don't think I've ever had sympathy .... I've had people express surprise that I had six weeks' maternity leave, but I was overseas so everyone did the same and it was expected. As a PP said, I find it slightly irritating when others say "it's like being a single parent" if their DP works away.

Original poster
Mamabear144 · 28/09/2019 22:19

I love hearing the opinions of others. This question came about after a conversation with DM, she experienced life with an awful husband and then single mother and we were comparing the difference in adjusting and it just being natural and how stigmas haven't really changed and the judgement and looks or people "feeling sorry" for a single parent still happens in this day and age.

OP posts:
TheKarateKitty · 28/09/2019 22:20

@Lifeisabeach09:

PumpkinP, I agree. There is still a lot of judgement of single mothers (but not so much single fathers.) I had some humorous school -cunt-, I mean, mum who said I should have kept my legs closed.

Did you throat punch her? Or at least want to?

I agree with you and Pumpkin. The onus is always put on women, as if we all get pregnant by budding. Adding too that many of the married women act like single mums want their men, simply by showing up in her husband’s range of vision. Again, putting the onus on the women.

Original poster
Mamabear144 · 28/09/2019 22:22

@MrsDimmond I apologise I probably should have worded it that way.

OP posts:
WindsweptEgret · 28/09/2019 22:24

he's just over a year and a half. That's very early days. I have a 13 year old, most of my adult life has been as a single parent, it isn't easy.

Fizzypoo · 28/09/2019 22:25

I actually loved being a single parent. I have a dp now but look back on those years fondly. I did have a great support network with my grandparents and had a group of friends in similar situations. If I didn't have that it would have been different.

I used to get very lonely around Christmas, birthdays and other family occasions. I now miss the not having to think about anyone but my DC and me but I'm happy with this next stage in my life.

I used to get annoyed with acquaintances who moaned they were single parents because their dp worked away ect but you can also feel the worst when in an unhappy relationship. I feel sorry for those people the most.

blissfullyignorantorinpain · 28/09/2019 22:26

@Lulualla this made me really chuckle!! But it is true and must be soooo frustrating I think I'd want to punch them too!!! I just have a huge amount of respect for single parents, my mum did it with 6 of us. Me and my hubby struggle with just one! It really makes me think we are doing it wrong...

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 28/09/2019 22:26

I'm a 'single mother' of three but I think single parent is a term used for many families whose dynamics are completely different.
For me I have a wonderful mother who has played a huge role in helping me raise my girls she does school runs when I need her too, watches them for me to go to appointments, has helped with house work when it's really been a busy week, helps take DC to they hobbies/clubs on times when they have fallen at the exact same time, I also have DSis who is brilliant with my DC and goes above and beyond for them when she has her own career/DC/DH.
So I don't really see myself as a single parent I'm a mother who is single yes, but I have a great support system so even though yes I'm the one making every decision and making sure everything is done, I'm not alone doing it but I do know there are parents out there doing it all by themselves without any support, I don't feel sorry for them that they do It I do however sympathise with them because for myself with 3DC I know I couldn't physically do everything that goes on with my kids without support and that something would have to give in my household especially their clubs and the things they individually like doing and have a interest in
Same with most people In different situations I don't feel sorry for them I do however sympathise with their situation

MrsDimmond · 28/09/2019 22:31

It is really telling that many (but not all) single parents have come out of deeply unhappy relationships so the relief of being out of that situation makes single parenting positive in comparison.

That's not the same as choosing single parenting as preferable to parenting as a couple in a happy and stable relationship.

The thing that has irritated me more over the years is people saying "oh you're so lucky being able to make your own decisions etc." I've had people say they envy me. But funnily enough they don't choose to end the relationship and become a single parent ...

redrobin123 · 28/09/2019 22:33

I wouldn't say I'm sympathetic to single parents, just in awe. I find it incredibly difficult with the support of DH, Its bloody exhausting. hats off to single parents.

MrsDimmond · 28/09/2019 22:34

Mamabear144

@MrsDimmondI apologise I probably should have worded it that way

No worries.

And in that YANBU Smile

I apologise for being snippy.

SunkissedCherry · 28/09/2019 22:34

I often feel sorry for myself. Single parent of 2 since I was 18. No maintenance, no support network just a thoroughly miserable life. I thought I was doing the right thing not having an abortion. I thought I was doing the rignt thing giving the first a sibling so that he wasn’t lonely. I was barely out of childhood myself when making these decisions. Its not a life I wish for anybody, and I hate myself that my children have such a miserable childhood because we never have any money.

MrsDimmond · 28/09/2019 22:37

SunkissedCherry
Flowers
Not much help I know.
I have no doubt you are an awesome mum. I just wish you were not having to struggle with everything else

Original poster
Mamabear144 · 28/09/2019 22:40

@Sunkissedcherry I rarely have money to do fantastic and expensive things (some weeks are better than others) but we go for a walk once a day and just play games and go to playgrounds and parks, theres usually a lot of free things to do with DC that nobody ever tells us about. Because hes easily amused its probably easier though. For winter I'm planning on bringing him puddle jumping a lot. Money doesn't make happiness, its just about trying to get creative and have fun. That's what my dm did with us and I'm planning on carrying it on.

OP posts:
SunkissedCherry · 28/09/2019 22:45

Thanks for your kind words. I’m just having a tough evening, I’m sorry for venting on here. Respect to all Mums, it’s hard work no matter the situation.

SuperMumTum · 28/09/2019 22:54

I'm a single parent. I often get people commenting on how hard my life must be but i brush it off. It's a lot easier than being in an unhappy relationship and even though I feel the pressure financially and have very little spare time I am a happy person and feel my life is good. I don't really like people making judgments about my life and I certainly don't want sympathy. A lot of my friends in relationships have a hard time parenting for different reasons and I try not to pass judgement on how that feels to them.

Frequency · 28/09/2019 22:56

I don't feel sorry for myself. I don't want to people to feel sorry for me. I feel angry and I want people to get angry on my behalf. I want women (and men) to stand up to all the shitty part-time and absent parents and say, "what you're doing is not okay."

I'm angry that the state cannot or will not force my ex to provide fairly for his children.

I'm angry that when my child misses school due to the mental health issues he ignited in her it's my fault, not his. No-one asks to speak to him. No-one threatens him with fines and courts.

I'm angry that I have to work twice as many hours as a single person to give my children a normal lifestyle.

I'm angry that I'm judged as a poor parent because my kid has issues but when he posts a photo on Facebook of the one time he's seen her since Christmas he's hailed as the world's greatest father.

In short I'm pissed off at the system, the people who allow the system to fail so badly and the women who make excuses for absent fathers.

stucknoue · 28/09/2019 22:58

There's single by choice (eg donor, brief relationship decided to keep baby), single because you chose to leave a relationship, single because your partner left you and single due to bereavement. Each is different and therefore people do cope differently. My friend was widowed, of course we were all super concerned about her, she coped really well but you cannot compare her to someone who whose single parenthood