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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child’s teacher at pre school is a friend of a friend AIBU

76 replies

user1465560128 · 28/09/2019 16:39

Ok so here goes first post on Mumsnet my DS has recently stared preschool at our local nursery and his teacher is a friends friend I’ve been to mutual occasions and in the past a few nights out where she has been anyway she seems lovely so no issue with that until a few days ago when I caught up with my friend who is friends with DS teacher and we were discussing how my DS was settling into nursery and how he knows his own mind well friend then said yes friends friend DS teacher said the same and then made a comment of something DS had said/done which I wasn’t aware of I just feel like my DS shouldn’t be discussed by teacher with someone out of work it wasn’t anything I didn’t want my friend to know but it could have been and that makes me quite angry as even I didn’t know what had happened had it I think I just don’t like the thought of my DS being discussed I thought teachers may have had to keep things in work but I’m not sure if I’m being un reasonable.

Any response would be great as not sure how to approach

Thanks

OP posts:
Pomegranateseeds · 28/09/2019 19:31

That’s odd...I’m a primary school teacher...I probably wouldn’t do this but I couldn’t say for sure...if it was just something cute and funny and not something sensitive.
I wouldn’t if it was medical, if they’d said something personal, or if they’d been naughty/disciplined...but otherwise...maybe I would?
I’m not aware of any guidelines that say I shouldn’t. Maybe I’m wrong? No-one has ever mentioned any!

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 19:37

*@pomegranateseeds You’re a primary school teacher, but you can’t see any reason why talking about a child in your class with someone other than their parent is an issue?

Pomegranateseeds · 28/09/2019 19:46

About something innocuous? Not really.
I mean, I come home from work and tell my husband and kids all about my day. If it’s something like someone had an accident on the floor I had to clear up, Or someone was sent to the head, I don’t use names. But otherwise...I mean you think teachers just hold all that info in, don’t discuss?

TheCanterburyWhales · 28/09/2019 19:47

Put it another way- this teacher doesn't just say cute things about her friend's nephew...it's unlikely she's singled him out. It's more likely she runs off at the mouth about ALL the children she teaches. And what she said about him wasn't nice, or cute, was it? She basically said he was a handful.
MN is really weird We have a thousand threads slagging teachers off for the most absurd reasons, but now one is being very unprofessional yet it's ok because she wasn't talking about medical conditions. Eh?

TheCanterburyWhales · 28/09/2019 19:50

The point is, Pomegranate, that this teacher wasn't talking about the child within the 4 walls of home.

Sux2buthen · 28/09/2019 19:50

It's always been drummed into me and by me to others that if we interact with someone that knows one of the children a vague 'ah yes lovely child' and then subject change. There should be no discussion on behaviour, health or anything at all unless it's with the adult responsible for that child.
I'd be very unhappy with this

Pomegranateseeds · 28/09/2019 19:54

For the record I do think it was unprofessional of her to say it to your friend, unless your friend also works at the school. And I think it would be fine for you to mention to the teacher that you don’t want anything at all discussed with your friend. She will probably be embarrassed.
I just don’t think it’s enough of a big deal to warrant a complaint, or some of the reactions on here.

pudcat · 28/09/2019 19:56

Very unprofessional. It is OK to talk in general to your own family when you get home from work about your day but not to mention individual names. Your friend was wrong to ask and the teacher was wrong to answer. Teachers should never talk about children (or their parents) to anyone but the school staff and the adults concerned with the child.

Pomegranateseeds · 28/09/2019 19:57

I just gave talking at home as an example. I also talk to friends, my mum on the phone, my friends at yoga...These kids take up SO much of my headspace and thoughts, it would be hard not too. I’m proud of them, horrified by them, reduced to hysterics by them - daily! As I say I miss out anything personal or sensitive.

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 19:58

@Pomegranateseeds I don’t use names

So there’s the fundamental difference.... This teacher was actively discussing the child, by name, with a friend who she knows knows the child and their family.

Pomegranateseeds · 28/09/2019 20:00

@lyralalala yes, that’s why I said it was unprofessional. But just not “a major breach” of whatever.

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 20:01

It’s a major breach of confidentiality to slag off a child in your class to someone you know knows them.

Gillian1980 · 28/09/2019 20:04

I think a general comment ie “he’s settling in well” or a funny comment he made is fine.

Anything to do with his personal info, development or similar would be inappropriate.

Pomegranateseeds · 28/09/2019 20:04

Says who? I freely admit I may be wrong, but show me the guidelines.
Also - she did not “slag him off” at all. She just mentioned something he’d said.

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 20:09

Show you the guidelines? If you’re a teacher then you know discussing a child by Jane to someone outside of school settings/involved agencies is breaching confidentiality

Also - she did not “slag him off” at all. She just mentioned something he’d said.

If she mentioned him “knowing his own mind well” in a remotely positive way I’ll ear my hat

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 20:10

Or even eat it

Pomegranateseeds · 28/09/2019 20:12

Nope. Never heard it mentioned.
Though I do think it’s ill advised and unprofessional, I have never ever seen it in any guidelines or policy. 16 years since I qualified.

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 20:12

By name - not by Jane

Time to stop typing til the small one is asleep I think!

QueSera · 28/09/2019 20:29

For me the issue is that (presumably?) the teacher knows that their friend is also friends with you.
I have friends who work in childcare and other types of care, and they talk to us about their 'clients' - but only because we don't know any of them in the slightest! Perhaps they shouldn't be doing it at all - probably so. But even more so if we knew them, in any way, it would be a gross violation of privacy and confidentiality.
Sorry OP, I'm not sure how you should deal with this.

Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2019 20:31

YADNBU. This has actually happened with me, because a colleague knows dd's teacher. I chose to ignore it but I think if it were to happen again I would need to say something about it to the teacher.

CatteStreet · 28/09/2019 20:36

YANBU (though I would speak to the teacher in this case rather than making a complaint).

This is why I prefer, if possible, to keep the various spheres of my life separate (it's not possible really, as I live in a small town and am quite heavily involved in a particular aspect of the community that has links to dd's nursery etc).

QueSera · 28/09/2019 20:39

Pomegranateseeds what you've said is highly worrying. It's one thing to mention cute/funny stories from work, without identifying the person in question, and even if you did the person you're telling doesn't know who they are; it's an entirely differnt thing to name a young child and tell a mutual friend details about that child, even if they are cute/funny.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 28/09/2019 20:41

YANBU
I find this kind of idle chatter between professionals about me/my child hard to accept too.
Is there really nothing else to smalltalk about other than my family!?!

GettingABitDesperateNow · 28/09/2019 20:50

YANBU

Everyone talks about work, to vent, work through a problem, or share funny stories etc

If you really need to talk about something, you do it to someone else at work, or you do it to someone who isn't involved and doesnt know the people.

She was telling a mutual friend stuff about your son, who she knows. This is gossip, about a child. I guess it's not so much as what she was talking about, but knowing she doesn't take any notice of professional boundaries, more about what she could talk about. You don't want mutual friends to be told every time he has an accident or gets into trouble etc

NoNoNoOohmaybe · 28/09/2019 22:16

I'm with you op, I work in healthcare and if I mentioned anyone by name or alluded to them in a story that was identifiable that would be a major breach of confidentiality and I'm shocked that some don't see this as an issue.

I genuinely thought teachers would be bound by the same rules as us and social workers etc.