Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL and BIL have plenty of money and are cheeky fuckers

89 replies

PansyTea · 28/09/2019 10:08

Yet another begging message from SIL this morning asking "for a lend". I'm absolutely sick of it. DH gave in a few times and now it's constant.

We have recently bought a fixer upper house, our first, and now they think we're loaded. We live in a fairly cheap area and work average jobs. One child. SIL and BIL work 30-40 hours each, but less than half those hours are through the books, so they get plenty of tax credits. They have boasted of this in the past. They have two DC. They also live in a property owned by BIL's parents, however they have lied about that and fudged it in such a way that they get some housing benefit too. Both smoke heavily and BIL has an expensive hobby. Both have qualifications and are able bodied. They have no commute so no heavy car/petrol prices.

DH is soft, and feels guilty about the money, so I have sat him down with a benefits calculator to point out just how much disposable income they have, based on what they themselves have said. Smoking alone is more than DH's weekly spend on petrol.

I'm utterly sick of it. This isn't a benefits bashing thread, I've had to use them myself during a period of unemployment, but these two are cheeky fuckers of the first water and I'm sick of them. They used to try and dump their kids on us too - three weeks after my csection SIL was wailing down the phone at 7.30am, wanting DH to go round and look after her kids, seeing as he was on paternity leave and all. She wanted to go to Tesco

OP posts:
Doingtheboxerbeat · 28/09/2019 12:51

I usually turn stuff like this on its arse and ask if they can lend me any money because I am sooo broke. You would be surprised at the responses you will get.

Tanith · 28/09/2019 12:58

My DH finally got it when I pointed out that he was actually stealing family money intended for his own children and giving it to a scammer.

He’d never thought of it like that and it shocked him into stopping bailing out our CF.

HJWT · 28/09/2019 13:07

Oh god don't report them for benefit fraud then they will come begging over and over !!

CallMeRachel · 28/09/2019 13:18

Report them for Benefit fraud.

Tax payers are effectively paying you PiL mortgage - your not eligible for payment of HB if it's a family member.

I despise people like these.

It's not a bottomless pit.

The benefits reforms are hitting vulnerable people the hardest purely because of greedy scamming dishonest people like your in-laws.

The DWP is becoming more joined up with other agencies and a lot of financial and address information can now be cross referred easily. They also do spot checks. There's no way they will find out they were reported or who by.

The DWP will take the nod in the right direction and start looking at things. Your in-laws will hang themselves out to dry by their own lies.

www.gov.uk/report-benefit-fraud

gabsdot45 · 28/09/2019 13:20

We have this with DH's brother. Just this week he asked for £900 to pay for a holiday. he's been unemployed for months and had just started a new job that day.
The nest thing was he had it all planned. We could just use our credit card and he'd pay the interest so it wouldn't be any inconvenience to him.
DH said ok but I messaged BIL and told him I wasn't happy about it and that this was the last time and he didn't take the money in the end thank goodness.
He said he was sorry if he caused any trouble but he doesn't realise that
every time he asks for money it does cause trouble between me and DH because DH always wants to help him out and I don't.
Ugh. I have zero patience with people who can't manage their own finances

Billben · 28/09/2019 13:21

Oh god don't report them for benefit fraud then they will come begging over and over !!

Op just has to stand firm and keep saying no then. But whilst they are claiming money they are not entitled to, the taxpayer is funding their lifestyle. I’d rather my taxes didn’t go to pay for their fags and expensive hobbies thank you very much 😡

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 13:25

I think OP made a typo, and meant "of the first order". Never heard 'water before. It is 'of the highest order', or 'of the first order'.

of the first order (or magnitude) used to denote something that is excellent or considerable of its kind.
In astronomy, magnitude is a measure of the degree of brightness of a star. Stars of the first magnitude are the most brilliant.
See also: first, of, order
Farlex Partner Idioms Dictionary © Farlex 2017
of the highest/first ˈorder, of a high ˈorder

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 13:27

So they ask for money and never pay it back? They are not 'lending' from you, they are stealing from you. And your DH being a soft touch means they know who to go to because your DH is a doormat, and yes, you really should be reporting them for fraud. I doubt very, very much they'd suspect you, as if they are so incredibly brazen, no doubt many, many people know. They are definitely CFs of the highest order.

CallmeAngelina · 28/09/2019 13:28

No Sara, "water" is also a phrase in its own right.
Dates back hundreds of years and I believe Shakespeare used it.
Not in common usage now though.

Hidingtonothing · 28/09/2019 13:29

I like Puzzled's idea, have done something similar myself in the past and it worked a treat. It's a good way of having the 'no more' conversation without unpleasantness and really doesn't leave them anywhere to go with it because every time they ask you just remind them you said you wouldn't be able to stretch to any more after your 'generous gift'.

As for PIL's you have to let them set their own boundaries. You can help them with that if they ask/discuss the situation with you but it's up to them what they give/don't give to SIL and BIL. Stand your ground OP, and help DH do the same.

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 28/09/2019 13:31

@SaraNade you've never heard it before? God forbid you be wrong. A simple Google search could've sorted that out for you Hmm

ffswhatnext · 28/09/2019 13:38

Or suggest if he really wants to help, that it comes out of his spends. When he comes to you to ask for money, don't.
It's amazing how quickly they realise how much these leeches cost.

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 13:49

Thanks CallmeAngelina, I am so used to people saying so and so is a bastard/prick/Cf of the highest order, so presumed the OP had misheard a saying or made a typo.

As for the other reply to me with the apt descriptive in their name Hmm I wasn't even the first person who said they had never heard of it. Oysterbabe was. So get the pole out of your backside. Hmm

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/09/2019 14:09

your not eligible for payment of HB if it's a family member

Not quite; while it's a complicated proces, HB is indeed payable where the property belongs to a family member, but only under certain conditions - one of which is that it's not a "contrived tenancy" (in other words, set up with the deliberate intention of gaming the sytem)

To show this, they also prefer it if the tenants have rented from a totally different Landlord before, along with various other caveats ... so one way and another these particular CFs are probably stuffed if OP reports them

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/09/2019 14:14

(Making a gift of the previous "loans") is a good way of having the 'no more' conversation without unpleasantness and really doesn't leave them anywhere to go with it because every time they ask you just remind them you said you wouldn't be able to stretch to any more after your 'generous gift'

Exactly, HIdingtonothing ... only you put it better than I did Wink

Pushing them into a corner's unlikely to stop the whining, but at least that's easier to ignore than outright manipulation (especially when OP's just "given" them hundreds and hundreds)

Livingtothefull · 28/09/2019 14:22

It is up to you what you do but I would urge you to report them for benefit fraud.

I have a disabled DS and we apply for what he is entitled to and wouldn't dream of lying or exaggerating the facts in order to get more. Why? Because we wouldn't dream of effectively stealing money from other people who have worse disabilities or are struggling more than us.

So I think that benefits fraudsters like these are the absolute scum of the earth.

SilverySurfer · 28/09/2019 14:24

Say no and agree with others - report them for benefit fraud. If they discover it was you and go NC, win/win for you.

AlwaysCheddar · 28/09/2019 14:30

Say no and report them!

GettingABitDesperateNow · 28/09/2019 14:31

I'd get in first. Tell them the costs for plastering or electrics etc was more than you thought and could they lend you the money to finish it or you'll have no power. Cry if she says no. Keep doing this until you are even in what you've lent them or until they get the message and stop asking you

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/09/2019 14:35

Yeah say no. He’s more scared of them than you.

Roozy123 · 28/09/2019 14:47

He shouldn't let her manipulate him .. because that's exactly what she's doing after he says "no".

If she can't afford the life she lives, oh well, not your problem. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Even her being relentless just stick to saying no. The more your husband gives in the more she's going to ask.

She carries on because she's fully aware even if he says "no" it doesn't necessarily mean he's not going to give in and her get the money.

She's not doing to stop asking so it's your husband that is the problem.... he need to say no and stick to it. No matter what.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/09/2019 15:44

Re: First Water

I've known and (appropriately) used this expression almost since I learned to talk and never realised it related to diamonds!

I always assumed it meant "undiluted" (eg - Twat of the first water" -="undiluted twat" = "twat though and through".)

Lovely to learn where the term comes from - thank you (can't remember who posted the origin). I like to know stuff like that. It's vair' interesting.

Often I look up origins of phrases, but I think it just seemed to obvious that I never bothered. Just goes to show.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/09/2019 15:44

*so, not to obvious

Sorry

notangelinajolie · 28/09/2019 15:52

I wouldn't lend money to anyone that smokes. Keep on reminding your DH exactly how much more disposable income they have than you and he'll soon get the message. And tell them you don't have Amazon anymore because you've closed your account.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 28/09/2019 16:09

Next time they contact you get in first and say that you are a bit short this month and ask to borrow £50. If you ask them for money everytme they might eventually get the message.