To think SIL and BIL have plenty of money and are cheeky fuckers

[PansyTea]

Yet another begging message from SIL this morning asking "for a lend". I'm absolutely sick of it. DH gave in a few times and now it's constant.

We have recently bought a fixer upper house, our first, and now they think we're loaded. We live in a fairly cheap area and work average jobs. One child. SIL and BIL work 30-40 hours each, but less than half those hours are through the books, so they get plenty of tax credits. They have boasted of this in the past. They have two DC. They also live in a property owned by BIL's parents, however they have lied about that and fudged it in such a way that they get some housing benefit too. Both smoke heavily and BIL has an expensive hobby. Both have qualifications and are able bodied. They have no commute so no heavy car/petrol prices.

DH is soft, and feels guilty about the money, so I have sat him down with a benefits calculator to point out just how much disposable income they have, based on what they themselves have said. Smoking alone is more than DH's weekly spend on petrol.

I'm utterly sick of it. This isn't a benefits bashing thread, I've had to use them myself during a period of unemployment, but these two are cheeky fuckers of the first water and I'm sick of them. They used to try and dump their kids on us too - three weeks after my csection SIL was wailing down the phone at 7.30am, wanting DH to go round and look after her kids, seeing as he was on paternity leave and all. She wanted to go to Tesco

Your dh feels guilty that they’re tapping his parents. That’s his parents issue. He shouldn’t be bailing them out. Or are they using the children as pawns?

I would also be tempted inform on them for benefit fraud. They won’t be able to prove it is you.

Ithink you should send a list of the benefits they receive to PIL sothey can see how much money they are fraudulently claiming & by the way the PIL may be considered as part of the scam if they have given written evidence of rent - whether they have received it or not. Wouldn't sil & bil have had to offer proof or renting? There are laws on renting to close relatives & housing benefit (& wait till they are transferred to UC)
england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/benefits/housing_benefit_renting_from_family

CF SIL/BIL: Can you lend us £20?

OP/OP’s DH: It’s not a loan when you never pay it back, so NO. Stop asking. And stop scamming our elderly relatives. If you are short of money, stop smoking or wind back the spending on expensive hobbies. Bye.

Honestly if you haven't got it to give you cannot give it.

Oysterbabe she means Cf of the first order.

@oysterbabe

it's a paraphrase of jewelry term , usually 'diamond of the first water' meaning top rate diamond, so here OP means highest standard cheeky fucker

Say no.

And report them.

Just do it!

And your DH should sit down with his parents and show him the numbers, just like you did to him.

Oops I had never heard that expression! Learn something new every day.

Anyone who can afford to smoke heavily can’t be that short of money. They must be getting through about £100 per week on cigarettes!

Keep saying no. Don’t try to justify, argue, discuss or explain - no, I’m not lending you any money, please stop asking me.

Reply: we are not loaded, we have a mortgage. We are in debt for the next 25 years to the bank. No more loans.

So they literally set fire to a good proportion of their own money, and then think the OPs is fair game.

OP it's irrelevant whether you have money and they don't. It's not your responsibilty to pay their basic bills because they are incapable of making adult choices and paying for needs before wants.

I think he thought they were being a bit cheeky and getting an extra £20 here and there but it's more like hundreds

So now you need another spreadsheet - the money you've already 'lent' them and not got back. That should finally convince him. Discuss with him what you could have done to your new house with all that money that you now haven't got.

it's a paraphrase of jewelry term , usually 'diamond of the first water' meaning top rate diamond, so here OP means highest standard cheeky fucker

Thanks! I hadn't heard that before either. I thought it was maybe a typo.

DH needs to repeat to himself he is scamming both of you not just his parents

Are you sure that SIL has not got an addition !!!

Next time she asks for money say to her before helping you out we want a copy of your monthly outgoings to see where you can save money.

Why is your DH being such a pushover?

Unless you get him to see the reality, he’ll just continue to feel sorry for them and give money to them secretly when you’re not around.

Yes definitely report on line.

Every single time they ask for money/babysitting simply put the phone down. It’s the only way people like them learn.

If you try to engage them in a conversation about it they will try tactics like making you feel guilty or whatever. Don’t allow them that opportunity. Hang up every single time.

Another vote here for grassing them up anonymously. Why should you pay your taxes for them to live off and then ALSO give them your spare cash just because they're cheeky fuckers?
Teach them a lesson.

Your DH needs to step up and safeguard not just his and your money, but his parents' too.

Id have no qualms reporting them for benefit fraud. They can suspect all they like butb they won't know it's you and I bet the will be others they suspect too.

And for Christmas i'd get them a quit kit along with a table of figures showing just how much money they set fire to daily/weekly/ monthly/annually. Every time they ask for money I'd reply with a copy of the table telling them to smoke 20 less fags.

Would love to, but i suspect they'd guess it was me

You mean, they might never speak to you again?

Win-win.

Bit surprised that you know they are committing benefit fraud and haven't just reported them to be honest OP. Why delve so deeply into their finances if you aren't willing to do something about it . Also why spend time with people like this when you can just say no and that be that. They make assumptions about your finances and you are to be fair- pretty invested in theirs- the whole thing sounds like wasted energy when you can just say no to lending money and lower contact.

Do you and DH share finances, or is it 'his' money he is giving to his sister?

When she asks again say, you already owe us £xxxxx, can you tell me when we're getting that back?

Just say no and ignore any requests. Its difficult at first but soon becomes easier.

If you're absolutely certain you won't get previous "loans" back - and it sounds as if you are - how about telling them you've decided to make a big, one-off gift of all the money you've lent so far and that you'll no longer expect it back

Obviously this will have meant some re-jigging of your finances, so your generous gift will have to cover what they'd have got for Christmas too, and of course you can't afford to do it again so won't be able to give money in future ... however you hope this very large present will help them out for some time to come

What's that? They've already spent it and the money's gone?
"Oh dear, what a shame" and change the subject