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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Telling my friend no and how do i do it?

99 replies

Gojojogogogo · 28/09/2019 08:22

I have access, viamy grandad to a discount store. It is open odd hours and I can only go accompanied by him and it is around 30/40 minutes drive away.

I can get very, very cheap products there and often get my friends things if I'm going. One friend has been asking repeatedly for me to buy her some nappies. They are roughly 1/3 of the price of retail. I bought her some which came to £17.85, a massive discount.
I took them to her house for her and she gave me £17.85 to the penny.
Given that me and my grandad spent 1 1/2 hours of our evening going to the shop and I then dropped them at her door, wouldn't you have thought she'd have given me at least £20 and said don't worry about the rest? I'm not looking to profit on my friend but I spent time and petrol that I wouldn't have done otherwise

AIBU in never getting her anymore now? This could go on for the next 10 years if she has more kids. Also, what do i say when she asks for more?

OP posts:

Armadillostoes · 28/09/2019 10:11

YABVU-Your poor friend gave you the money for the item she asked for, and presumably thinks that you were going to this place anyway (as your first post implied). If you are prepared to be so petty over £2.15, especially since you had no reason to expect it, you don't sound especially nice. If you don't like helping people, then don't do it, but you can't expect to be mean AND enjoy the warm feeling of having done something kind.

Straycatstrut · 28/09/2019 10:12

OP what's her/yours financial situation? That extra money should be with who needs it most imo. I'm a single mum of two boys who non-stop eat and want to do swimming lessons, craft, days out, bake all the time. Eldest wants a piano and piano lessons for xmas! - so a big saving job.

Original poster

Gojojogogogo · 28/09/2019 10:39

There were just short of 400 branded nappies.

I used to go once a month for 15 years when my own kids were in them and would get extra for friends or some other bits they stock in the shop that people asked for but it got to the point that that that was the only reason people got in touch. I haven't been for around 18 months before this visit

OP posts:

fedup21 · 28/09/2019 10:41

Tell her you aren’t going any more

starfishmummy · 28/09/2019 10:43

imnotinthemood · 28/09/2019 10:52

Only go when you're going don't make a special trip . Any reasonable person would be fine with that . Don't be a martyr you agreed to go you told her how much she paid . If it was a real bother you should of said , the woman probably has a million things to think about .

diddl · 28/09/2019 10:57

" I haven't been for around 18 months before this visit"

So did you tell her that you don't go anymore?

Witchinaditch · 28/09/2019 11:10

YABU

BadassBusty · 28/09/2019 11:10

This is ridiculous, she paid you for the nappies end of. It doesn't sound like she knew you went specifically for her so why should she pay you any more? The stuff on mumsnet like this does make me laugh.

If you were that concerned about petrol money and your time you should have been upfront about your expectations.

Witchinaditch · 28/09/2019 11:10

You had the nappy years for 15 years!? What?

Armadillostoes · 28/09/2019 11:11

OP-I still don't get though why you are bitter over the £2.15. That is what makes you sound so petty. You come across as resentful and originally gave the impression that if she had handed over a £20 it would have been fine. Just tell your friend that you don't go to this place anymore, which is true. But if she didn't know that, it's hardly her fault. You are entitled to not fancy doing this, but why make out that your friend is tight for not giving you extra cash?

redcarbluecar · 28/09/2019 11:16

I think your expectation of being overpaid is a bit strange. You either do someone a favour or you don’t. You feel how you feel though, so lesson learned - don’t do it for her again.

HennyPennyHorror · 28/09/2019 11:17

Witch well I suppose she kept having babies...started in 2000 let's say and was done by 2015.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/09/2019 11:24

There's two strands to this

She paid you in full for the cost. She's seen you get stuff many times for other friends. You don't say whether you told her that you were only going to get the nappies just for her and were not intending to buy anything else. If you didn't make that and the journey time/petrol cost clear up front then YABU to expect her to mind read and compensate you. If you didn't communicate all these things to her, its down to you and she hasn't done anything wrong. For one thing the £2.15 would hardly have made a dent in the petrol cost and perhaps she might have felt it was worse to give such a small compensation. Especially if you didn't ask her for petrol money.
It really is about the context and your previous relationship with her. There's no detail on that so its hard to tell. you've hinted you feel that people have taken advantage of you in this respect and you feel they were only contacting you for this favour. Is she one of them? If she has form for this, then maybe YANBU for feeling a bit taken for granted although that still depends on how well you communicated with her. If other people have done this in the past and she hasn't been involved much before, then you are visiting their sins on her, which isn't fair. Either way, I think it is such a small amount to fall out over that personally I would drop it. If you want to keep the friendship you should talk about it because resenting her in silence isn't good for either of you. if it bothers you that much its probably time to make these issues much clearer before you say yes again to people.

ViserionTheDragon · 28/09/2019 11:46

Did she know you were going specifically for her?

Hederex · 28/09/2019 11:52

I wouldn't have expected more money, I think YABU.

NaviSprite · 28/09/2019 11:57

YABU for the sake of a couple of quid to help a somebody you class as a friend. If she tried to duck out of paying or was ungrateful that’s one thing, but she paid you for the cost price I honestly don’t see how it’s an issue?

NaviSprite · 28/09/2019 12:01

Also you said you hadn’t been for years and now it’s 18 months since you last went?

melj1213 · 28/09/2019 12:36

YABVVU.

Unless you told your friend that you were making a special trip just for her then she probably assumed when she asked that you would just pick up some nappies next time you were there, whether that was next week or next month.

If she asked you to make a special trip just for her then perhaps she should have offered petrol money, but equally if petrol money was a deal breaker then you should have made that clear to her before you made the trip.

differentnameforthis · 28/09/2019 12:38

You shouldn't have made a special trip for her, and shouldn't have dropped them off. She paid you what you paid, I think that's fair.

Yerroblemom1923 · 29/09/2019 10:16

15 years of nappies?! I would've gone for washables!

MumW · 29/09/2019 10:28

Next time she asks, just say you don't need to go very often these days and you'll let her know next time you are there"

Depends how good a friend she is. If she's a hanger on/user then I wouldn't be going especially for her.

Tink88 · 29/09/2019 10:29

Do you really need the £2 if she was to give you 20

Crunchymum · 29/09/2019 10:31

Why did you go when you didn't need anything?

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