To scream “because nobody is fucking interested” the next time someone asks why I’m single

[Becausemarmite]

Five years of being single. 3 of them happy. 2 quite bloody lonely. The last 6 months really lonely.

I’m so sick of people asking me why I’m still single. How do you answer “well because nobody is interested?!”

I’m not hideously ugly, I have a good job, provide for myself, confident, no weird sexual kinks . But I am a single mum with quite a few kids and that’s fine, I understand why the majority of men don’t want to get involved with that.

But you’d think OTHER people would also understand and stop asking so I have to mumble some shitty excuse about “not looking at the moment” or “oh I’m happy alone”

AIBU to literally fix them with a stare and just say “because I’m not an attractive prospect tbh”, make them feel awkward for a change

I'm a single mum of 1 who receives universal credit..as well as carere allowance. Every month I get paid 800. 500 is rent, then all my debts come out which I am obliged to pay it keeps the bailiffs at bay. So after TV licence, car insurance, court fine (for TV licence) and the advance payment I am currently left with £19 for the month. Citizens advice wont even help UC claimants anymore as too many people are struggling. Surely there is something someone can do? And please dont say work as I am a carer for my dad I am with him 8 hours per day. quite a low point of my life

@peardrops1 😂

Well it's a pointless question but I think you should take it as a compliment.

Nobody ever asks me, so I assume it must be obvious (old, fat, ugly, poor, miserable).

The annoying thing is I'm not interested. I'm asexual (always have been) late 50s, post menopausal, not thin and I attract men like flies.
I put it down to showing absolutely no interest in them and being confident and happy doing my own thing.
It's as if none of them them can bear it that I don't need a man and cannot resist the challenge. I think there is a lesson for us all in this......that men are utterly perverse and want what the can't have.

Mumma, that sounds tough but I think you'd get a bigger response if you started your own thread.

The mind boggles as to why anyone would ask such a question?.
Ignorant b`tards.
And yes go for it.

Just say this:

"I don't know! It's a question I ask myself constantly. I ask myself when I wake up in the morning, I ask myself throughout the day when I see happy couples walking hand in hand. I ask myself when men un-match me on Tinder and I ask myself when other people ask me. Then I go home and cry myself to sleep because I've come to the conclusion that I'm just unattractive and unlovable.

But thanks so much for asking!"

That should do it!

It's weird to read this b/c all the single parents I personally know have lots of relationships, no trouble at all getting baby sitters or meeting people. They may not find anyone they like, but the opportunities seem to be endless. Out a lot socialising (dates & other social life). Way more than the married folk I know.

@lljkk, you would find it interesting but the defacto position of the single mum is that of the OP: finding regular childcare that allows enough time and regularity for a relationship to develop is rare, opportunities to meet like minded people get rarer as you age and “the lots of relationships” may just be their efforts to try to find someone who is a right match amongst lots of men who are not the right person to them.

From the outside, I am like your friends. I have managed to sustain long term good relationships after divorce BUT, it was not all the good life of romance, flowers and trips my friends imagine. It was the luck of finding good men, who understood my kid came first, who wanted to put him first as well and were happy to build a relationship built on lots of “have a coffee dates”, where all the romance was reserved for the time the little monkey was with his dad, at a sleepover (God bless the mothers of his little friends who will never know how much my relationship depended on those invites), and more recently, the blessed cadets and DoE camps.

Try being single with no children, the horror!
I get it all the time because apparently 'I'm a catch' people actually look at me really shocked. I was at a funeral a few weeks ago and there was a guy there from school, he couldn't get over the fact I didn't have a fella
One man even said to me a few years ago "it's time you found a man and had children" he wins the prize for the stupidest comment ever!

I have had people ask "why aren't you in a relationship?" I think, none of your bloody business!
It's generally stupid people who ask, those with half a brain realise it isn't mandatory to be attached.
As my friend pointed out it isn't illegal to be single.

@coatlessinspokane I'm using that the next time someone asks!

I hear this all the time on dating apps. And the answer is complicated. I'm mainly single because I never have any time away from my children. I can date but not have sleepovers and what grown man wants a relationship where he can't ever wake up with me, or have weekends of wild sex because my children are always here? I'm too skint to date half the men I want to and I won't let them pay for everything. My ex cut my maintenance and I'm trying to get promoted so I'm too busy to date someone far away, and I'm fussy enough not to date the first guy who's local. My teenager is hard work. She had MH problems. Who needs that to deal with? I'm autistic. The ignorance around that in itself is usually enough to put men off. At least before when the kids saw their dad I could have a FWB setup, now I can't have a relationship at all. I love my kids and they have to be the priority, but I hate having as little space for myself, and that includes some romance.

Two words , second is off 😱

@MummaBee3

Sorry to hear you are struggling. MN does have some really helpful people but you need to start your own thread to get advice because people don’t like veering too far off topic as it’s not fair to the original poster.

I've not had the "Why are you still single?"
But I've had people telling me I have to stop being so fussy and then I'll find a man.
Erm... excuse me, I'll be as fussy as I like thank you. I broke up with ex about a year ago and was with him 5 years. Before that I was single for 2 years. And I was single for a very long time before that previous failed relationship. Every time I've been single I've had people accusing me of being "fussy". Well, excuse me, but I don't see why I should be in a relationship with just anyone just so I'm not single.
I am not interested in finding anyone else at the moment. I see so many friends and relatives who are unhappy in their relationships and have no end of trouble with their partners. Also I'm free to do what I like when I want. One problem in my past relationship was him arranging to do something and then not showing up or showing up late because he was so busy so I'd waste so much time waiting for him. He was a shitbag. I don't want a repeat of that.
I do get plenty of "offers". I'm in another European country which is quite backward in its treatment of women. Women should stay at home and cook and raise children and look beautiful for their men while man works and then drinks with his friends or does his "very important" hobbies in the evening. The "offers" basically consist of men asking for sex, some more subtly than others, and them saying "Oh come on, you're single, you must be up for a shag".
Absolutely VILE.

I really don't like the implication that women are somehow not "whole" if they don't have a partner and that those of us who are single are secretly longing for one and waiting for one to drop out of the sky. I've also had the implication that if I made more effort with clothes, hair make up etc, I'd get some bloke like a shot. Well, I'm not interested. I do sometimes make an effort with nice clothes etc but I do that for me. When I look like a scruff it's because I do a lot of trekking and camping and I'm not going to faff on trying to look glam in the mountains in case I meet some bloke (friend told me once that you can get "fashionable" hiking clothes and apply make up in the mountains too). Oh do fuck off.

I was asked the same question once. I replied that it was because I was ugly and had a terrible personality. The person who asked had the grace to blush and clearly felt very awkward - as she should have for asking such an insensitive question.

or "are you the alternative?" than shudder "no thanks"

Give them a look up and down and say...

“I’m not willing to settle for second best like some are, I suppose”
Head tilt.

Keep on keeping on OP, you’re doing a great job!

I really don't like the implication that women are somehow not "whole" if they don't have a partner and that those of us who are single are secretly longing for one and waiting for one to drop out of the sky.

This with spades!

I have had a few long term, serious relationships with pretty good men. I am much happier out of a relationship than I ever was in one.

I find the assumption that women must be single by force, but men must be single by choice, infuriating.

I get this all the time too. It's one of the first questions people ask if I haven't seen them in a while: "So... (raised eyebrows/coy look) you seeing anyone?" I really do think that for some people single = failing at life.

But most of my married/coupled up friends are bored and low level miserable, doing all the housework for men that take them for granted. I don't want that - I really don't. Why is that so hard for people to understand?

"Because patriarchy".

It's a throw away answer, but bang on the money in a culture where it's just assumed that a single mum has her kids the bulk, if not all, of the time, and absent fathers aren't pulled up for it, and the available men are generally of a pretty low quality, having been told since childhood that they're just fine as they are, and that women should bend double to accommodate them and meet their needs.

^ yeah what she said!

user

You’re quite right, of course someone might choose to be single and didn’t mean to imply otherwise - I meant to cover that in something personal as discussing reasons for wanting to stay single is likely to be intrusive but reading it back that wasn’t clear.

There is nothing wrong at all with being single, and that’s the other problem with the question - it assumes you want a partner but have somehow ‘failed’ to get one.

I agree with the poster that says it is generally the clueless that ask such intrusive questions like this and the exact same with why don't you have children.
Online dating is a nightmare and realistically the only way to date nowadays, so it is unsurprising why there are probably more single people around than ever before.
Lot's of hookups though .

People can be such arseholes.

Tell them it’s because you have a restraining order for drop kicking annoying fuckers

Similar situation here OP. I actually had someone tell me I must be a secret lesbian because I had “no man” and assure me that it was okay if I was err thanks, you’ll be the first to know if I come out! Not!