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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to spend my secret savings on myself?

92 replies

judithandholofernes · 27/09/2019 20:49

I really want weight loss surgery after piling on weight over the last 5 years. I have just enough cash in a savings account to cover the cost.
I have been slowly saving in this account for a ‘rainy day’

The only reason I haven’t told DH about the money is because he’s a big splurger. We live a nice life and he hasn’t noticed the few quid being put away each month.

Now I’ve finally got the time for the surgery and want to book. BUT DH could really do with a new work car. We could get a loan or save for this too.

AIBU to say nothing about my savings and spend it on what I want?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/09/2019 16:46

Having read your update OP. I'm still curious to know what the secrecy's about?

Original poster

judithandholofernes · 28/09/2019 16:47

@Butterymuffin I have a severely disabled DS that needs Significant care. We do have carers and nurses but I tend to use that time to spend with other DC (or sleep!)

The help I get is mornings and a couple of afternoons a week so I still have other DC to care for. I also feel I need to spend this time with them as DS takes up so much of our attention.

I put on 5 stone in the first year in hospital and since then it’s been about a stone a year increase.
I miss my old body but I’m just so tired we literally go to bed with DC as the days are so exhausting - wonderful, fun, blessed but exhausting.

Thanks for the advice - I have booked a consultation for Tuesday to discuss options. I am going to speak to DH this evening wish me luck!

OP posts:

Original poster

judithandholofernes · 28/09/2019 16:49

@WorraLiberty if DH knew that there was a pot of money aside he would have spent it by now. He would have found something to spend it on like a holiday or his hobby. He is a splurger

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/09/2019 16:53

Ok but you're splurging it on yourself? At least a car or a holiday would've benefited both of you.

Anyway, if you're going to discuss it this evening I guess it's a moot point now.

Good luck with the surgery

Boysey45 · 28/09/2019 17:00

Have you looked into getting it done on the NHS? My friends Mum had it done and she went from 18 stones to 14 and another woman I know had the bypass on the NHS. She went from 30 something stones to very slim about a size 10.
I would ask first before spending my own money.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/09/2019 17:08

Good luck OP

itsmecathycomehome · 28/09/2019 17:16

" if DH knew that there was a pot of money aside he would have spent it by now. He would have found something to spend it on like a holiday or his hobby. He is a splurger."

Well then I don't think there's anything wrong in squirrelling something away. But it should be to benefit the family imo, unless you've discussed it with dh. I'm glad you're going to do it tonight and I hope he supports your decision.

But do think about whether you'll be able to maintain the lost weight. If your lifestyle now means that you can't exercise and are putting on 1st per year, you'll still need to find a way to make big changes.

ShadowOnTheSun · 28/09/2019 17:24

Obviously different families do things differently, but I don't get all these posts about 'being dishonest', frankly. Yes, if OP would squirrel away her husband's earned money and would consider spending 8k on her surgery - then yes. But it's HER money.

To me, it seems to be completely normal to have one joint family account to cover bills, etc; family savings account for holidays/house and whatnot AND two separate accounts for each other to spend on whatever each person wants (hobbies, beauty, stuff, whatever). Always done that, don't see a problem. And yes, that goes for both wife and husband, of course.

I think it's very sweet that OP considers spending HER saved money from HER income on DH's car, very sweet. But unnecessary. He can save/borrow/not buy a car himself. Op's saved money is for her to spend. Have a surgery, OP and best of luck :).

itsmecathycomehome · 29/09/2019 04:16

I thought they both paid their salaries into a joint account, and the money for this secret account came from there via a standing order (and also to another, joint savings account).

Gingerkittykat · 29/09/2019 04:51

Another one who thinks you should try and have the surgery on the NHS, as well as the physical surgery you get loads of support and back up with dieticians, groups, and psychologists.

If you do pay privately I know a lot of people go to clinics abroad and you could get it cheaper than 8K.

LeilaDarling · 29/09/2019 11:18

Hi, yourself without a doubt, just wanted to pipe up to say have a sleeve NOT a band, I had the latter, message me if you wish, friends have had sleeves were successful, the ones who had bands not long term and tons of issues.

Kpo58 · 29/09/2019 11:35

I'd rather that you worked out why you piled the weight on in the first place and use the money to remedy that situation.

Surgery isn't going to help you if you comfort eat when stressed as you'll just drink melted chocolate instead to get around it.

Could the money be better spent on childcare so that you can have a hours free time to breathe or a cooking course on really quick healthy recipes so that you don't eat the wrong things because your tired or even a cheap console with a just dance game so that you can start trying to get fitter without the expense and time going to a gym or class?

Allice · 29/09/2019 11:37

I have a gastric band, have had it 9 years. They told me that it would help me loose 60% of my excess weight and it pretty much has. I have to watch what I eat and I'm constantly struggling with the 40% that's left. If I was doing it now I'd have a sleeve.
Good luck

Pinkdoor · 29/09/2019 15:05

Please don't go abroad to get it done.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 29/09/2019 16:25

OP In my mind savings or a rainy day fund are lovely things to have but its always going to be raining one way or another so do what you like! I would think spending on health is sensible and not a daft option...If its raining hard enough to consume you then its ok to spend the money in my book.In our house if I didnt look after me then the whole bloody thing would fall apart probably the same in yours ....If it would make you happy then do whats best for you.cos in turn you will then have more time and energy as well as a happier mental state in order to give more and be of benefit to everyone else.....

jackstini · 30/09/2019 07:07

What did your DH say OP?

Aderyn19 · 30/09/2019 08:41

I don't believe in secrecy in a marriage, so I would tell him but I would definitely spend the money on surgery. There will always be household expenses - sometimes you do have to put yourself first.
It seems DH gets plenty of money spent on him - I don't see why he should appropriate your savings as well. Marriages need balance, so imo it's not fair for one person to spend everything on hobbies etc whole the other person never gets anything. Particularly if the one with the expensive hobby is also the one who never saves!

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