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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to spend my secret savings on myself?

92 replies

judithandholofernes · 27/09/2019 20:49

I really want weight loss surgery after piling on weight over the last 5 years. I have just enough cash in a savings account to cover the cost.
I have been slowly saving in this account for a ‘rainy day’

The only reason I haven’t told DH about the money is because he’s a big splurger. We live a nice life and he hasn’t noticed the few quid being put away each month.

Now I’ve finally got the time for the surgery and want to book. BUT DH could really do with a new work car. We could get a loan or save for this too.

AIBU to say nothing about my savings and spend it on what I want?

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 28/09/2019 06:21

It makes zero sense to get a car loan when you have money saved. Keep saving and try some other weight loss strategies in the meantime.

Teacher22 · 28/09/2019 06:22

The DH and I have very transparent joint finances so I couldn’t do this if I wanted to. We would discuss the relative merits of car versus surgery and decide together.

It does strike me, however, that having a reliable car is necessary for your husband to bring income into the household so if it broke down you might be in financial trouble.

It is quite tricky when one partner is splurgey and the other a saver. In this case it is probably fair that if the OP save specifically for a goal she should spend her money on that goal but it might be unwise were the car issue to affect her husband’s earning potential.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 28/09/2019 06:24

I don't have a strong opinion on if you should spend it on yourself or not, but you should probably talk to DH and set up a small monthly amount of joint savings. You can do an account that you can't touch without penalty within a year if that would help?

I know this is unsolicited advice but please fully research gastric surgery before you decide to go ahead. It can have serious long term negative effects on your health.

HeronLanyon · 28/09/2019 06:32

This is the second or even third recent thread I’ve seen about a savings stash kept secret from dp/dh. All great for both in a relationship to have indépendant personal money where it can be afforded but what’s with secrecy ?! Worrying.
What’s going on !?

speakout · 28/09/2019 06:37

What type of weight loss surgery?

You would be better spending the money on a good gym membership and personal trainer.

Tippety · 28/09/2019 06:37

How would you feel if he did that to you, especially if you were having to take out a loan for a car to get to work?

31133004Taff · 28/09/2019 06:40

I had a gastric sleeve. Over the following two years my weight crept up significantly. I’ve lost the weight with the help of a slimming group. I’m confident it will stay off now.

blissa1 · 28/09/2019 06:43

What surgery is it please ?

Beautiful3 · 28/09/2019 06:46

Depends who's money it is?! Do you both work? Or is it his money yove been hiding away? If it's his then you should offer it back for a car as he needs it for work. If its both of yours then you ought to give half for the car and carry on saving up for what you want.

FrangipaniBlue · 28/09/2019 07:00

Depends where it came from.

DH and I both work full time and pay 50:50 for all household and family costs and we have a joint savings account that we put into equally if we're saving for something specific.

But what is left in our current accounts at the end of the month is our own.

We also each have savings account but I have no idea what's in DHs not him mine. Not that it's a big secret we just don't discuss it. If I wanted to treat myself from my own savings that would be fine.

But if one of us didn't work or only worked part time, or if we pooled all money as some on MN do and then one of us was squirrelling away money from the pot that would be all kinds of wrong!!

SecondRow · 28/09/2019 07:04

How are you going to say nothing about your savings when he says "surgery, hmm, how much does it cost and where will we find that kind of money?"

Lyingonthesofainthedark · 28/09/2019 07:07

Yes I agree with that sentiment, although it wouldn't work if the DH had a history of spending all the joint spare on himself. " Big spllurgers' tend to do that.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 28/09/2019 07:08

How much is weight loss surgery in the UK?

jackstini · 28/09/2019 07:11

Depends where the money came from and how essential a new car would be
Does your DH have any idea you are considering surgery? It could come as a big shock and you will need his help to recover
What other options for weight loss have you considered first?

Notajogger · 28/09/2019 07:21

It makes zero sense to get a car loan when you have money saved. Keep saving and try some other weight loss strategies in the meantime.

This. What else have you tried first? Seems extreme and risky.

Also, from the sound of it, this is money which you're bringing in together which you've been squirreling away - in which case YABVU. How would you feel if it were the other way around?

user1493413286 · 28/09/2019 07:26

Was it your money or joint money you saved as it reads that he didn’t notice a bit being put away? If it was joint money then I think it’s only fair it’s discussed. If it’s yours then go ahead and do what you want.

nettie434 · 28/09/2019 07:32

I did vote YANBU even though I thought that having surgery isn’t exactly the same as hiding a new pair of shoes in the bottom of the wardrobe. It does seem hard that you are the one who has been saving when your husband could have put aside money for a new car.

But realistically if the surgery doesn’t work, you will have lost those savings and had nothing to show for it. The NHS does still do a small amount of bariatric surgery. Have you spoken to your GP about whether you meet the criteria for it?

What would it do to your relationship if your husband found out about the savings and/or the surgery.

I think in your position, I’d tell him about the savings, split the money on car and a personal trainer and be firm about how you need to set aside some savings each month. As Jennybluewren says, everyone needs an emergency fund.

Beautiful3 · 28/09/2019 07:53

You could start going for a run and healthy eating? Weight loss surgery doesnt teach you how to lose weight it just makes your stomach smaller so you eat less.

Boysey45 · 28/09/2019 07:56

I'd spend the money on yourself but not on that.
My friends Mum had the band and said that you might as well just do it yourself with no band. You still have to diet all the time.
If it was me I'd do lighter life instead, I know people who have had good losses from that.

IdiotInDisguise · 28/09/2019 07:56

Have you build these savings out of your own income or money earned by him?

I think that’s were the difference is.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 28/09/2019 08:00

If it came from your money and you'd have been comfortable with you DH doing the same, go for it.

If it is joint money? You need to make a joint decision.

BIWI · 28/09/2019 08:00

Buy the car and go on a diet.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 28/09/2019 08:01

Oh and I know nothing about the surgery but it sounds like lots of people do and have some great advice. I know it's not a quick fix

meccacos2 · 28/09/2019 08:01

Have the surgery!! This is your health!! You saved up the money, your husband didn’t.

Surely he knew he needed a new work car.

Tell him that you can both save up for the new work car and then get a loan.

Also tell him you are considering surgery and would like to consult with a surgeon, then tell him you’ll pay the surgery off in instalments.

I understand that sort of surgery you usually pay an initial deposit and then the remainder immediately before the day.

You also have to prep prior and this can take a few months.

You can have the surgery & buy the car.

If you hadn’t saved the money your husband would have spent it. He should have put money aside himself for the car expense.

If you give him the money you’ve saved for the surgery, you’ll never get the surgery.

If you tell him you have saved the money, he will think you’ve hid it from him.

This is for your health and future happiness.

I would tell him you want the surgery and can make it work in the budget. You don’t need to tell him it’s coming from your savings.

$5k is hardly $50k.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/09/2019 08:06

The money that you have taken the "few quid" from, is it money from a joint account? From what you have said it sounds like it. If it is, you are being unreasonable.

How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and your husband salted a few quid away without you knowing and then decided to blow it on himself?

I can never understand secrecy like this at all in a marriage.