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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to spend my secret savings on myself?

92 replies

judithandholofernes · 27/09/2019 20:49

I really want weight loss surgery after piling on weight over the last 5 years. I have just enough cash in a savings account to cover the cost.
I have been slowly saving in this account for a ‘rainy day’

The only reason I haven’t told DH about the money is because he’s a big splurger. We live a nice life and he hasn’t noticed the few quid being put away each month.

Now I’ve finally got the time for the surgery and want to book. BUT DH could really do with a new work car. We could get a loan or save for this too.

AIBU to say nothing about my savings and spend it on what I want?

OP posts:

meccacos2 · 28/09/2019 08:07

BIWI

Buy the car and go on a diet.

Not at all helpful @BIWI

OP - ignore the troll - have the surgery. You’ll need to prep before it anyway, you’ll lose weight in the lead up - but even after you’ve had the surgery you will need a year or two for your weight to stabilise - then you will need an entirely new wardrobe!!

Don’t give your husband the money you have saved. The costs won’t just be the surgery.

You’ll need to replace your entire wardrobe after and there will by clothes you need to buy while the weight drops off.

You’ll also need to buy expensive multivitamins.

It’s your money, keep it for the purpose you saved it for.

BIWI · 28/09/2019 08:09

@meccacos2 I am not a troll

Would you like me to expand my post? Would that be more helpful, do you think? Essentially though I'd say the same thing.

I also suspect that the money doesn't really belong to the OP as she's been squirrelling it away from their joint money, from the sound of it. So another reason not to have the surgery.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/09/2019 08:10

Tell him that you can both save up for the new work car and then get a loan.

Also tell him you are considering surgery and would like to consult with a surgeon, then tell him you’ll pay the surgery off in instalments.*

Why would you save for the car and then get a loan?

I think the above does not sound financially sensible.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/09/2019 08:38

It does sound like the money has come from his salary (whether part or in full). That would be a deal breaker for me, the secrecy and taking of the money. Once trust is broken, it rarely comes back.

As for the surgery, I’d look at other options too. There needs to be good habits firmly in place otherwise the surgery could end up being a waste of money.

lljkk · 28/09/2019 08:47

If my partner did to me what OP proposes, I would be furious.

My 600 lb life is on our TV all the time. I know they are extreme cases. How different is the weight loss surgery experience if you start out only a a mere 100 lbs overweight?

Oysterbabe · 28/09/2019 08:54

A gastric sleeve costs about 7k. You don't need to spend it all on a car. Maybe 2k on a car then save a bit longer.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/09/2019 08:57

Maybe 2k on a car then save a bit longer.

If it's going to be a daily driver and needed for work, 2 grand on a car is probably going to get you an unreliable money pit.

itsmecathycomehome · 28/09/2019 09:06

If it's family money that you've creamed off into a secret account then I think you should come clean about it; your dh may well be happy for you to spend it on weight loss surgery.

Unethical to watch him taking out a car loan while you sit on £££, and financially stupid to pay interest on a loan unnecessarily.

Original poster

judithandholofernes · 28/09/2019 09:48

To answer a few questions;

We do have joint accounts and both bring in a similar income to the house.

I have had this savings account before I met DH and set up a standing order for a small amount each month. There was already a few thousand before I met him in this account.

We have another joint savings account in both our names. This account is now almost empty as we bought a brand new car this summer & had a ‘rainy’ month when DH changed careers and was not working.

Over the years we have used joint money to fund DH expensive hobby. I have no issues with this but I am not a spender and budget our finances carefully so he can do this freely.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned over the years this savings account but DH has no interest in our finances. I doubt that he remembers.

We have a family car that DH can use for work. It would be handier if he had his own work van. We could save and have it early next year. I would have to sacrifice having a car during the day which is fine.

I cannot go to the gym or get time to exercise. I think the surgery would be life changing for me.

It is a gastric band and costs 8k

OP posts:

FrangipaniBlue · 28/09/2019 10:06

In light of your update YANBU - book the surgery!

LagunaBubbles · 28/09/2019 10:18

I don't get all these threats about women secretly hiding money from their partners, if it was the other way round I'm sure lots of people here would be screaming financial abuse. Anyway book your op OP but you will have to tell him you've paid for it.

Butterymuffin · 28/09/2019 10:24

Ok, more points in your favour that you have a new car for him to use, and you've funded his hobbies for years. But, I want to ask, why can't you get to the gym or to exercise? And how come whatever stops you doing that won't stop you taking time to have and recover from the surgery? I'm saying that not because I don't think you have the right to use the money - I do - but because I think surgery is something to be avoided if there are other alternatives.

InDubiousBattle · 28/09/2019 10:41

Why not just discuss it with him? Tell him you've been putting money away and that you would like to spend it on surgery. If my partner did this I would be furious.

Sn0tnose · 28/09/2019 10:42

If your worried if he’s going to question where the money came from, do you have your parents around? You could say that they have offered to pay. But obviously discuss it with your parents first!

Jesus fucking Christ! Do you have any understanding that this level of deceit is something that could potentially ruin someone’s marriage? Unless you’re in an abusive marriage and need to lie for your own safety, you can’t just go making up bollocks and then dragging other family members in to support your lies. That’s outrageous!

OP, come on, you know that you need to discuss this with him. This is exactly the sort of thing that married couples do need to discuss. You’re not talking about a new haircut here. There are potentially long term consequences to this sort of surgery. You don’t need to justify where the money has come from. Just be honest and tell him you’ve been saving in your own account as well as the family account.

nettie434 · 28/09/2019 10:52

Like frangipaniblue, I think your update changes things. An expensive hobby might easily add up to £8k over the years. You should book the surgery and explain that you have been able to save it.

itsmecathycomehome · 28/09/2019 10:53

Your update doesn't change my viewpoint because he was at least open and honest about the money he was spending on his hobby, whereas you have really been very dishonest.

You say he has no interest in the family finances but presumably that is because he trusted you.

And disingenuous to suggest that he 'probably knows' about the secret account because if he knew he wouldn't be suggesting a car loan.

Bar the amount you saved before marriage, it is joint money. I still think you could tell him about it. Say, honestly, that you have been saving up for surgery and can easily justify it because of how much has been spent on his hobbies over the years.

I really do think that a woman posted to say that she'd discovered that her dh had a secret account that he wanted to spend on, say, plastic surgery while she took out a car loan, she'd be told about red flags and advised to ltb.

And the surgery won't work. The excuses you're making about the gym suggests to me that the weight will be back on in months.

Coconutbug · 28/09/2019 11:09

Losing weight is more about the food you are eating than being able to exercising. I lost 2.5 stone on slimming world with no exercise. But if I did want to exercise id do a 10 minute high intensity work out (there's loads of free videos on YouTube)

Sorry I just think it is such a drastic decision and you will have to restrict your eating anyway before you have the surgery and afterward.

I appreciate this is not what you asked but just wanted to point it out incase.

SherbetSaucer · 28/09/2019 11:12

Save the money for something else and go on a diet. You can loose everything you need to by changing your diet alone. There is no excuse!

MyDcAreMarvel · 28/09/2019 11:18

You don’t need the gym just do work out videos and basically eat less. It’s 80/20 diet and exercise.
You are very underhand keeping secret money , do you not understand the concept of a marriage/partnership?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/09/2019 11:26

OP before you pay out 8k on a secret op and then lie to your DH about it, have you actually tried losing weight? you say you can't possibly exercise and i guess why it might seem impossible if you're morbidly obese but it sounds like you feel you've just been waiting for this operation to fix your life but haven't really done any ground work for it.

Talk to DH, tell him its an old account that you've put bits in over the years and now intend to use it for the op. If it's in your name, he can't physically stop you but at least you're being upfront and hopefully will get his support

MedSchoolRat · 28/09/2019 12:19

OP: do you know what this type of surgery usually means, about the risks & consequences, I mean?

Typical 40% of the excess weight still on your body.
Tendency to have nutritional deficiencies for life.
T2 diabetes symptoms don't go into remission for 70%.
Altered eating for life. Altered anatomy for life. It's possible that you'll feel like puking every time you eat.
Weird complications & risks.
It's not an easy solution.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/09/2019 12:30

Have the Surgery OP, it IS life changing

Rachelover60 · 28/09/2019 12:33

I'd be more concerned about the type of surgery you are contemplating to lose weight. Some is dangerous, please look into it carefully. It also doesn't always last, people pile the fat on again afterwards.

Other than that, what you choose to spend any spare money on is your business.

Pinkdoor · 28/09/2019 13:24

DONT DO THE BAND. I have read far too many horror stories. But DO do something else.

I had WLS and feel great. Am a member of a Facebook group where too many take the cheap option (band) and it sounds awful.

Screw everyone saying 'have you thought about going on a diet?' you don't get to the point of considering surgery if you're not at the end of your tether.

Beautiful3 · 28/09/2019 14:18

From your update I'd say go for it. He spends his spare cash on an expensive hobby while you save it. Get it booked and spent before you change your mind. Hope it goes well for you.

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