wtf is raising these men

[Drabarni]

Aibu in wondering wtf are raising such shit men.
Thread after thread of complaints about how they don't do enough, can't do this or that, lazy, don't do their share.

I'm not saying that it's a woman's job, my dh wasn't brought up by his mum and I'm beginning to realise I got such a good one. Not boasting, he has his moments, but uselessness and laziness just doesn't figure.

There are men that do no parenting at all, even when at home.
The 80's/90's was a time when men were told to step up and be involved at all levels, and many did.
We seem to be going backwards.

I don’t know. My ex was brought up by a single mum yet now doesn’t see the kids I have with him at all (hasn’t in over 2 years and refuses to pay maintenance) you would think seeing his mum raise him and his siblings alone he wouldn’t want that for his own kids but obviously nope!

You are tar brushing.

Nobody signs up to Mumsnet to gush about how great their DH is, so I think it's a fairly narrow cross section you're seeing!

I know a lot of women who are very emphatic that they are not feminists, maybe there's a connection? Or maybe they get it from their dads?

WhatshouldIdonoww

Your ex has emulated his dad, not his mum.

I'm going to go out on a limb, but probably people who think:

• My DH/DP is so good because he HELPS OUT around the house
• I'm such a modern man because I HELP OUT with the children

Rather than "all adults do their fair share of jobs because they are functioning adults in a household".

Then think about all the humour about how funny it is when dads "babysit". There's an ad on telly at the moment where chaos happens in the house because dad wants a moment to read his car magazine.

Consider the boys will be boys dismissal of behaviour

It's a drip drip drip thing.

As c3pu said, it's not a representative sample that you are seeing.

I don't think it is always the way they are parented at all, but the messages they get from society. Often, these types of men know that someone else will pick up the slack for them.

My husband isn't as you describe at all and my close friend's partners aren't like that either. I have met a few lazy arse men before but the blame lies solely with them, not who they were raised by or how.

The stats on the amounts of housework and childcare done by men and women respectively, whether or not the woman also has a full- or part-time job, are fairly consistent on this. Most men work fewer hours than most women.

Aside from being abusive, my ex was a useless, selfish shit and once you take into account what his parents are like it all makes perfect sense. That said, I know at least a couple of grown men who are total bastards, who’s parents seem lovely people so I don’t know if it’s a hard and fast rule.

My parents are outraged that my DB "does so much" with his own child because "he's at work all day and is the sole breadwinner". I tell them that they should be proud they've raised a son who believes in equality. Worse, my DF was heavily criticised in the 60s and 70s for being so involved in parenting, and DM was a radfem of the SpareRib mould, so they should be fucking delighted their son helps in raising his own child

So yes, I blame the parents. In the case of my own, I can only assume senility

Interesting thread OP. DH is 51 and grew up with a working mum and SAHD which was pretty radical in the 70’s. He has his faults for sure, but pulls his weight at home without being nagged. He cooks, does all the laundry and irons DC’s uniforms. He also can be relied on to do his fair share of sick days/snow days etc and DS is growing up understanding this is normal - as of course is DD which is great.

U2
Parents are parting as part of society. How can parents not have anything to do with it?

Most of my friends husbands or partners are pretty slack as are my previous exes who I've got children with. I don't think I know anyone who's partner is a true 50/50 type partner, how sad is that?!

I often blamed myself for my ex being so lazy, I enjoy caring for people and love to do little things to make their lives easier. He clearly sat back and took the piss though.

I hope that I'm raising my sons (and daughters) better than that. My son is very respectful and empathetic but has always, since birth, been prone to laziness. I definitely don't let him get away with it though even though it would often be easier for me to just do the tasks myself.

The men in my recent exes family are all the same and I think it's how they've been raised. Everyone moans about their behaviour but no one says or does anything about it.

My DH was brought up as a little prince by his doting mum but as soon as he left home he became very self reliant. He does all the cooking and most of the housework too if I am honest. I am the one not pulling my weight but he never moans. I don't think he notices!

Who is raising the women who accept this behaviour? I'm sure that seeing dysfunctional relationships modelled means that women feel they don't deserve good relationships. My mum says I'm "lucky" that my husband does so much - I just say I chose well!

My dad was told way back in the early sixties that he needed to know how to cook and clean, as you never know where life will take your marriage. As a result, he’s a fantastic cook and has always done the lion’s share of food prep, plus 50/50 with my mum on errands and cleaning.

I work part-time from home, so definitely do the bulk of housework, but my husband makes breakfast always for the kids, loads the dishwasher, takes out the rubbish etc.

I have no experience of such lousy men, but see many threads on here and wonder why so many women tolerate such laziness.

I agree with the helping out/ doing fair share as an equal.
However, at least in the 90's when I had 2 of ours, even though it was helping out, there was a shift towards this is what you should be doing.

We like others read the baby books, Mother and baby, Parenting mags etc .
Seeing it change again to idle, useless fuckers made sure my dsx2 were raised properly to do their fair share. I've fucked up with parenting many times, they don't come with manuals, but it's so important.

Are they not prepared from young or just think it's women's work.

I'm still not saying this is a mother's job btw, it's more so the father's job. Mine could only help with this as wasn't always there at night when we talked, but they saw him doing his fair share and leading by example. Oh, and I was a sahm. This still shouldn't stop them being involved.

Too much of a generalisation. What's with teenagers these days? Why are women filling their bodies with padding?

My dh was raised in a very traditional 🤨 home environment and it has taken me years to retrain. We are not anywhere near where we should be but working on it. Genuinely I see why he is the way he is. His dm and dgm believe as he works long hours and provides then he should be expected to do nothing else. This will not be the same for our children as we will not model this behaviour. Not that it matters but I work full time as well so the providing reason is nonsense 🙄

Some women do put up with it though, it can only happen if you allow it. Seems a lot of women were sadly raised to be doormats

So you could also asked who the fuck raised these women?

Also you do have to remember if anyone started a thread saying about there wonderful dh like me and many many others have, it would bring out the biscuits, eye rolls and stealth boast remarks. People only come on here to moan about stuff

Yep. I have to remind myself sometimes, that MN is somewhere that people come on to vent. If everything's fine in their relationship, they'll not OP.

My in laws lived in a Yorkshire mining village, and both worked shifts - a miner and a nurse. They got on and dealt with whatever needed doing at home/for their kids when they were the one at home.

My FIL cooked (he was Polish and loved to make things from 'home') and he absolutely loved ironing. When they came to visit us, he'd always ask if I needed any ironing doing!
I might have had the perfect in-laws! They certainly gave me a husband who saw everything that needed doing in our house/for our children as a shared responsibility. His only fault was being blind to an overflowing washing basket, but no-one's perfect.

Absolutely, I agree with all the above, and the generalisation.
I observe and listen, and read posts on here. It just came to a point today when I thought ok, then why.

To explain properly I lead a simple life and I'm out and about quite a lot. Yes, you here people vent on here, but it's people talking in the street.
Women moaning about their partners in Primark, was the school gates, not there anymore.
My friend runs womens meetings in the church, she tells me of all the shit women take, oh, they aren't religious meetings so not bashing.

Also you do have to remember if anyone started a thread saying about there wonderful dh like me and many many others have, it would bring out the biscuits, eye rolls and stealth boast remarks. People only come on here to moan about stuff
That's also true.

On occasions I've mentioned that I have a DH who does his fair share (and others), we've been told that we must be lying about our perfect husbands etc or that they can't actually be doing their fair share.