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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not my business but concerned

58 replies

Googletookmysanity · 27/09/2019 10:19

As the title suggests, I have a concern that not my business but I am worried about my. Brother . He is a decent kind type in his mid thirties , plenty of friends and hobbies, a great career and financially comfortable . He has a girlfriend of a year. She is a fantastic person and cherishes every bone in his body.He seems to like her very
Much but still lives life like a single man.He owns his own home but goes home to my parents most weekends to stay unless he is at a football game or an event.My parents are fond of his girlfriend and like to invite her round for dinner, celebrations etc but he gets annoyed about it.He carefully organises that he meets his girlfriend at specific times and days,all on his schedule.She fits around him.i know she is in love with him and would like to push the relationship on but he is reluctant.He doesn’t like to stay at hers, he wants to be in our family.When he does stay, he is home first thing the next morning.She doesn’t stay at our parents.They rarely go away or do anything on their own and I know this upsets her.My parents are concerned as she is a super girl and we are hoping that she will not dump him as I know she is frustrated.We get on very well together.He is rigid and controlled as a person and it seems like she fits into his life as he wants it. It’s causing problems in our home as he gets vexed if my parents invite her over or out for dinner so they have stopped asking now.She is his first real girlfriend and I wonder should I encourage him to treat her kinder or stay out of their business.

OP posts:
Rachelover60 · 27/09/2019 10:34

How old is your brother, Google? You say he and his girlfriend have only been together for about a year, that really isn't very long. He may not yet be ready for a deep commitment and all that entails.

Original poster
Googletookmysanity · 27/09/2019 10:38

Middle thirties . In my heart I think he may be homosexual and family and friends have often expressed that thought which in itself is perfect, but I hope that he is not with her for other reasons as he likes the idea of family and children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Googletookmysanity · 27/09/2019 10:40

A year together but he sees her only now and again, at his discretion.He comes first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Googletookmysanity · 27/09/2019 10:50

Anyone? We are very close as a family
Unit and this is concerning me for some reason.

OP posts:
Venger · 27/09/2019 10:56

I know its hard but it's absolutely not your business, its between the two of them and unless they ask you for relationship advice you need to keep out of it.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/09/2019 10:56

Your parents should be dealing with this, I wonder why they are accepting him coming back every weekend in his mid 30s and not talking to him about it.

When you say he gets vexed, what does he say to you all?

AutumnRose1 · 27/09/2019 10:58

Stay out of it

I never introduced boyfriends to friends or family and eventually opted to stay single. Even I hadn't, I like to keep everyone separate!

Original poster
Googletookmysanity · 27/09/2019 11:03

He is the only son and the youngest. He is very close to my parents and loves. being at the family home with them and us , his sisters when we are home sometimes.
My mum has just fern asked her round for dinner or for cake to celebrate a birthday, and that annoys him. He likes to be at home on his own with them. I have seen mum suggesting that he goes over to her flat when he hasn’t seen her in days or invite her over to our home if he has been away on holidays but he flatly refuses and gets shirty.Wroting this down sounds bananas but I think it’s weird

OP posts:
Original poster
Googletookmysanity · 27/09/2019 11:05

Also because my parents adore him.They love him coming home.

OP posts:
GreatBigNoise · 27/09/2019 11:08

It's up to him how he deals with his girlfriend. If she doesn't like it then she can move on. I think it's rude of your parents to have kept inviting her when he didn't want them to.
If the relationship doesn't suit her then she can move on and find a home one that does.

If you brother like going home at the weekend then that's up to him. As long as your parents like it too. If they don't then they can do something about it.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 27/09/2019 11:11

You're right - it's none of your business.

Your brother does not have to get more serious with this or any other woman if he does not wish to

Your brother does not have to spend time with her that he would rather spend alone, with friends, or with family, if he does not want to.

You and your parents sound over-involved. It is up to him how much he wants to let her into his life. And it is up to her whether or not she is happy with that. None of it is up to you. Or your parents.

filka · 27/09/2019 11:16

He's doing nothing to develop the relationship, he needs to be honest with her that it isn't going anywhere. If she then wants to be on a FWB basis, that's up to her - but at least she knows where she stands.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/09/2019 11:16

It sounds like your brother likes things a particular way, and doesn't like others interfering with that. It is his life, your family can't make him into the person they want him to be, it's down to him to decide things for himself. If he was a teenager, I could understand you all wanting to "influence/guide" him, but he's mid 30s!

I'll just say this again, your family can't make him into the person they want him to be, accept him for who he is. If he is unhappy and wants to change, then support him with that. If your parents are not happy with him coming back to the family home so often, then address it. If his girlfriend isn't happy, she can address it and possibly accept the situation or leave. At the end of the day though, it's your brother's choice to live his life the way he sees fit.

dollydaydream114 · 27/09/2019 11:17

It is an odd way to carry on a relationship, yes. But, as you said, it's not your business and it's not your parents' business either.

There could be all sorts of reasons he behaves like this. You say you suspect he might be gay - is there any reason he wouldn't feel able to come out to your family? Are your parents homophobic? Does he feel under pressure to have a relationship with a woman when he might actually prefer to either a) be with a man or b) just be on his own?

Perhaps, ultimately, he just isn't really keen to commit and likes to compartmentalise his life. He wouldn't the first or last person to enjoy the single life while also wanting someone there for dates when they feel like it.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 27/09/2019 11:18

That poor woman. I hope she dumps him and gets a boyfriend that actually behaves like an adult in a relationship.

Hoppinggreen · 27/09/2019 11:19

Are you sure that everyone’s delight at this girlfriend isn’t because it “proves” he’s not gay?
You all sound a lot keener than him on her

EmmiJay · 27/09/2019 11:20

Its lovely to see you and your family care so much about the girlfriend. Its rare! However, I actually hope she snaps out of the love goggle stage and either gives him an ultimatum or just leaves. She shouldn't be 'fitting' into his life, she sounds like she needs to find someone who loves like she does.

SunshineAngel · 27/09/2019 11:20

I used to be like this with my ex, when my parents invited him to things. I, too, had my own flat, with him, yet returned home every so often for the weekend.

That was ultimately because I didn't love him, and didn't see a future with him, nor did I want to spend all of the time with him.

Now that I'm with my partner, I can see how unhealthy that was, as I love him coming to family things now, and in the 18 months we've had a house together I've not once spent a night elsewhere without him (obviously I would if I needed to, but not in a "I need to get away" way).

Honestly, as lovely as she sounds, it just seems to me like he's just not that into her.

Mousetolioness · 27/09/2019 11:20

Even though with the best of intentions you and your parents are wishing your wishes ahead of his own. He is an adult entitled to run his life how he sees fit and at his pace.

EmmiJay · 27/09/2019 11:21

Sent too soon..

Also I'd stay out of it OP and silently hope she does either of the above.

KarmaStar · 27/09/2019 11:24

Hi op
This will sound strange,but as I read you first post I got homosexual,then read further on that you suspect that he is.
Sadly I don't think you can do much about his girlfriend but you could take him for a drink ,or go somewhere quiet ,a long walk and open up to him about your life and he may reciprocate and tell you how he is feeling.If he doesn't,you can always leave it that you're there for him if he wants to talk ever.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 27/09/2019 11:24

I do understand why you are worried. You sound decent. And don’t want to see the girlfriend strung along. If you are close as you say maybe you should have a chat with him as an older sister. Nothing heavy. Just say it’s obvious his girlfriend loves him very much and he needs to be kind and consider her feelings.

highinthesky · 27/09/2019 11:29

Stay out of their relationship. Whether to concentrate his mind with her goals, or to continue to be strung along is a decision for her alone.

Teddybear45 · 27/09/2019 11:31

If he’s coming home every weekend in his mid-thirties and not keen on your parents inviting his gf, my first guess would be that he’s met someone else who lives locally to your parents.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/09/2019 11:31

Keep out of it. If you like her so much, let her get fucked off with him and find a better partner!

It sounds very much like you're trying to think of ways you can 'sugar coat' him so she sticks around... and possibly messes her life up. Not great...