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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not my business but concerned

58 replies

Googletookmysanity · 27/09/2019 10:19

As the title suggests, I have a concern that not my business but I am worried about my. Brother . He is a decent kind type in his mid thirties , plenty of friends and hobbies, a great career and financially comfortable . He has a girlfriend of a year. She is a fantastic person and cherishes every bone in his body.He seems to like her very
Much but still lives life like a single man.He owns his own home but goes home to my parents most weekends to stay unless he is at a football game or an event.My parents are fond of his girlfriend and like to invite her round for dinner, celebrations etc but he gets annoyed about it.He carefully organises that he meets his girlfriend at specific times and days,all on his schedule.She fits around him.i know she is in love with him and would like to push the relationship on but he is reluctant.He doesn’t like to stay at hers, he wants to be in our family.When he does stay, he is home first thing the next morning.She doesn’t stay at our parents.They rarely go away or do anything on their own and I know this upsets her.My parents are concerned as she is a super girl and we are hoping that she will not dump him as I know she is frustrated.We get on very well together.He is rigid and controlled as a person and it seems like she fits into his life as he wants it. It’s causing problems in our home as he gets vexed if my parents invite her over or out for dinner so they have stopped asking now.She is his first real girlfriend and I wonder should I encourage him to treat her kinder or stay out of their business.

OP posts:
WonderWomansSpin · 27/09/2019 11:35

It isn't your business and it isn't kind or helpful to try to interfere in his relationship. Pushing him to act differently is almost false advertising. Let his gf see who he really is and if that isn't enough for her then she can dump him. You seem worried that he is distant and controlling. If he is, then it's better his gf realises that sooner rather than later.

AutumnRose1 · 27/09/2019 11:37

"He likes to be at home on his own with them"

Yes, so did I, and after dad died I was even more glad I protected that time.

I still don't get why you are so invested in this. Parents shouldn't keep inviting her either.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 27/09/2019 11:40

OP, can I politely enquire whether you come from a culture such as Indian or thereabouts?

This whole little King Son thing + his actions + your suspicions all sound very familiar.

Drum2018 · 27/09/2019 11:41

I'd be encouraging her to find someone who gives a shit about her.

SallyWD · 27/09/2019 11:47

My brother's like this with his girlfriend. It makes me sad because she's lovely and clearly loves him. However, it's absolutely none of my business. It's her choice to stay in the relationship or leave.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 27/09/2019 11:51

Be honest with yourself. Are you really worried because you think your brother is in danger of losing a woman he really loves? Or have you and your parents decided she would make the ideal daughter/sister-in-law and are determined to make that happen; hence inviting her to family events rather than letting your brother decide whether HE wants that?

This is HIS relationship. Not yours, not your mother’s. If he only wants a casual relationship, that’s fine - his choice. The only person who can say ‘Actually no; this can’t just be a casual relationship’ is the girlfriend. She is an adult and has every right to end things if she is unhappy. What she cannot do is push him into something he doesn’t want - and his family ask pushing him is sure to make it worse.

Let them live their own lives. You cannot choose a partner for someone else.

littlehappyhippo · 27/09/2019 11:54

@Googletookmysanity

You're right. It's none of your business.

Stay out of it.

Whether he just doesn't want to commit, or whether he is gay, it's nothing to do with you.

Unless you are being directly harmed or affected by your brother's lifestyle, why do you think it's any of your concern?

loobyloo1234 · 27/09/2019 11:57

Not your business how your DB conducts his relationship OP. Sorry. You need to stay out of it. She won't stick around long if he keeps it up - who can blame her

Goingonagondola · 27/09/2019 12:00

He's just not that into her.

John1971 · 27/09/2019 12:00

He’s gay

beingchampion · 27/09/2019 12:06

Who does he holiday with? Probably your answer.

Original poster
Googletookmysanity · 27/09/2019 12:07

Our culture is very family orientated. Homosexuality is not openly accepted within community.I am
Conflicted on that I would love for him to be happy but I think he may be using her for appearances and not true to himself which I would love for him.We love his girlfriend and welcome her as part of the family.I worry that if he is living a lie that his whole life may be miserable and hers.It is sad that he hates staying in her house and is home first thing when he does and she doesn’t stay at ours so clearly their relationship isn’t physical based or even prioritiesed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Googletookmysanity · 27/09/2019 12:12

He holidays with his closest friends and our family.

OP posts:
MythicalBiologicalFennel · 27/09/2019 12:15

We had a similar situation in our family. Without giving too much away the girl gave him an ultimatum to move the relationship on and get more involved or stop it. He chose to stop it.

A couple of years latet he is stuck in an unhappy, very difficult marriage after a one night stand and subsequent unexpected pregnancy.

She met a wonderful man and has a happy family. I am happy for her but I know it breaks the man's mum's heart to think what his life could have been like with this girl and what it is actually like.

In this case the man is heterosexual. He was happy enough in a relationship but I don't think he's ever been head over heels in love or been really into an individual. For him his hobbies, friends and work are way more important. If a nice pretty girl is in the corner of the picture that's okay but he can say yes or no to that.

Bottom line is - it's not your business. All you can do is watch the car crash and hope nobody is too hurt.

Shortfeet · 27/09/2019 12:19

Well if he’s gay and his community would not accept him as a far bigger problem than your concern he’s not treating a lovely woman well.

If he had no girlfriend but still could not be accepted as gay in his community that’s every bit a big a problem.

And if he’s not gay I think he possibly has the right idea on relationships . I wish I’d been more like him for a few years into relationships before feeling I had to progress things.

You sound like a lovely sister.
How would YOU react if ( and it is only an if ) he came out as gay?
How would your parents react?

Beesandcheese · 27/09/2019 12:23

It is none of your business. If you're right and he's not giving the relationship enough of a chance she may well move on and wouldn't she bet better off if that what she wants? If your brother wants things to stay the same then, again, what does that matter to you?

HaileySherman · 27/09/2019 12:23

I think that while it's none of your business, if you have the type of relationship with him that you can address it, then it's not crazy for you to say something. Obviously not in front of her lol. If I were you, I'd make a list of the things you think he should hear (mentally of course) and find an opportunity and go for it. Make sure you hit on all your points, because after that, I'd never bring it up again. You say he's smart. He'll remember your advice and take it or leave it. The only reason I'd even say anything at all is because you all seem to think she's great and you aren't sure he knows what he is doing and the possibility that he's pushing her away. If he makes no changes then you can rest assured that he is handling it how he sees fit. As long as he isn't being abusive to her, then it's not your concern.

malteasergeezer · 27/09/2019 12:23

Your DB sounds very spoiled and immature. Clearly they are not having sex and he is using her for appearances, most likely to mask the fact that he is gay. I feel sorry for the woman and hope she gets the hell out.

You all sound unbelievably stifling and controlling!

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 27/09/2019 12:23

I'm going against the grain here and saying that depending on your relationship with your brother I'd say something if it were me. Just about if he's serious about her he should be treating her properly or expect her to get fed up and leave him if he didn't change. I'd think a sibling is one of the few people that could say something like that. How much you and the family love her and want to see him settled down with her shouldn't come into it at all.

If she's his first girlfriend he's got some learning to do about relationships and what he wants and what he needs to do to sustain them. My first boyfriend was at school aged 12 and I mostly ignored him out of red faced embarassment until he dumped me two weeks later 😳 😂 I'd hope that at 30something he has better life skills than that, but equally there are almost certainly things about relationships that you can only learn by being in one.

KitKat1985 · 27/09/2019 12:27

I hear you Google. My brother is nearly 36 and still lives at home with my Mum. He has had a girlfriend for 3 years, who moved in with my Mum and brother a year ago. She would dearly love for them to get their own place, start a family etc but he just wants to stay living at home where he has to pay minimal rent, do minimal housework and focuses his life around his video-gaming. We have tried gently suggesting to him that he moves in with his girlfriend etc and he isn't interested. He's basically a man-child. I have no doubt that eventually she will get bored and leave him. But I can't force him to change so I accept it's not my business and let them get on with it.

QualCheckBot · 27/09/2019 12:37

He just sounds immature in terms of how to behave in relationships, and he might never learn how to.

I was in a similar relationship with a previous boyfriend, even down to him having a concerned sister. Everyone thought I was ideal for him, his family were delighted and so on. He was great to be around - when I saw him. Exactly the same as you describe. Eventually we drifted apart because I was doing all the running and I met someone else whom I married. He has drifted from short relationships with girls his family weren't that happy with (unemployed, addiction problems, children with different men) interspersed by long periods of being single.

It did cross my mind if he was homosexual as although he enjoyed an active sex life and occasional female company, he seemed to lack that drive to make him want to live with a woman. He also mentioned more than a few times that people thought he was homosexual. I really don't know. He said he wasn't. However, he did like to insist that everyone was a bit gay, that they lay somewhere along a scale, and objected when I said that I definatley wasn't attracted to women.

It could just be that he is very independent and likes having his own space and spending a lot of time alone. I would have actually welcomed his sister trying to have a helpful word with him, but tbh I don't think it would have made any difference. I suspect he will either be long term single with an ever growing list of short term relationships or as MythicalBiologicalFemale posted above, he could be the type to get a woman he barely knows pregnant after a ONS and have his hand forced, as it were.

FWIW I did find him quite indulged and spoilt at times, as if neither of his parents had ever told him to put more effort into things and stop doing exactly what he wanted all the time.

TatianaLarina · 27/09/2019 12:44

I’d give her a head’s up personally, I couldn’t watch a woman waste her life. Well I did actually, with my cousin, and it was painful. If it had been my brother I would have warned her.

Boysey45 · 27/09/2019 12:54

I think I'd say something to her as well,shes wasting her time totally if hes gay.Its the last thing she wants to do get trapped into a marriage with kids with him if he is.

pinkdelight · 27/09/2019 12:54

Well if homosexuality isn't openly accepted in your community then it's hardly surprising he's having to not be true to himself. Unless your family is going to break the mould and be more open and accepting - which it's probably too late for as it's instilled in him - then you might as well carry on with the charade. But at least stop any pressuring to include them more as a couple when he's clearly not keen and doing it for appearances.

OMGshefoundmeout · 27/09/2019 12:55

He sounds very odd and I am sure that if his GF is as nice as you say she is she could probably do better for herself.

That being said, I find it equally odd that your parents are inviting his GF to things. I have adult DC who know their friends and partners are always welcome and will often being them along for family events or just for a takeaway night (they always check with me first but it’s a courtesy, they know the answer is always yes). I would never contact their partners directly to invite them to anything, that seems like crossing a line towards interference to me.

The only people who seem to have a problem here are you and your DP. Your brother has a relationship that suits him and his GF seems satisfied for the time being.

Your DB may be gay or socially awkward or asexual or just self-centred. What ever it is, you and your mum and dad won’t change him by butting into his private life.