To be constantly horrified by how ugly I am?

[uglyuglyugly]

This issue consumes me and has taken over my life. I had an abusive childhood, with a violent bully of a stepdad who ran me down every day and my mum backed him up. Then I was called all manner of names at school including ‘birds nest’ about my hair, ‘bugs bunny’ about my teeth and was told I was so ugly I’d never get married.
I also had a boyfriend who continually called me goofy.
So I hate my teeth and my hair which I keep snipping at and changing my hairstyle in a bid to look better. My son called me fat the other day (I’m a size 12, he didn’t mean to offend me I don’t think, he’s young).

I’m overwhelmed with shame about my appearance. When out in public I keep glancing in shop windows and mirrors and recoiling in horror at what I see, and at home I keep checking in the mirror continuously.

It should also be noted that my mother is/ was the most vain person on the planet who spends two hours a day bavkcombing her hair into a massive bouffant (not exaggerating) and slags off people for being over a size 10.

I feel so disgusted by my appearance and no hairstyle makes me feel better. What do I do

You go for counselling.

I was beautiful (I'm now in my 50's) but had low self esteem because of an abusive childhood and bullying.

How you're feeling has nothing to do with what you look like, it's what's going on inside and that you can change.

I personally like meditation and spiritual, Buddhist type stuff. I use it now for post Menopause anxiety.

I completely sympathise, I've been through similar.

The voice in your head putting you down constantly is not the truth - it's the consequence of an abusive upbringing.

Checking mirrors repeatedly to 'check' yourself and getting stuck in loops of negative thinking will be making you feel so much worse; I've been there CBT would be so helpful to you, I can't recommend it enough.

There's no amount of reassurance anyone can give you that would make a jot of difference; you need to address your past, gather some much-deserved self esteem and you will start feeling better about yourself.

I bet you're not ugly. It s just you have low self esteem due to being bullied in the past by people who were meant to love and support you.
I guarantee your mother is the type to panic internally at the merest whisper of a wrinkle and will be unhappy as she ages.
I used to think I was ugly as a teenager, freckles, reddish hair and teeth that needed 2 years of braces. Yes I got idiots at school taking the piss but the difference was my parents were always supportive.
When I look at photos of myself in my 20s I was stunning, I just didn't know it.
Don't listen to the voice in your head, get some counselling to resolve old issues and boost your self esteem.

I know the feeling

Me too OP. No advice but here with you.

I thought CBT also. I have felt the same and it did help. Maybe also some of the body positivity stuff. and maybe doing nice stuff for you- say get a nice dentists and look after teeth- for health not just appearance- how you feel rather than how you look. Have a nice massage maybe to feel nice. I'm trying to let go of the 'how you look' and think of how you feel / health instead. Remember all the crap said to you is not the Truth- just stuff / thoughts of others, aimed at making them feel better. It is coming from their own insecurities / projections and maybe more about them than you.

I am sorry you have had to put up with this rubbish.

Counselling should help a great deal. There are things you can do about both your weight and teeth if they genuinely affect your self esteem but I think the root problem stems from your childhood. I reckon you could lose weight, have your teeth fixed and still feel like crap. You were abused, I know the feeling. Try counselling .

See your GP. Ask them about possibility of counselling. I also recommend CBT.
Be kind to yourself. You only live once. Try to take some baby steps to happiness.

Counselling. Much of this is tied in with things you've been told by others, often at a time when you were very vulnerable. Your self-image is now distorted, but with help, you can use your mind to work in the other direction i.e. to remind yourself that a thought is just that - it isn't a truth, it isn't something that you need to give any credence to.

I feel similarly, and it's really, really difficult. But counselling is a wonderful process, and I promise you that things can get better. You don't have to live like this.

Oh yes. I battle with this every day. Doesn't help that my little 7yo gymnast (accidentally!) knocked my teeth out & I can't get into a dentist anywhere! -- no one ever seems to believe me!

^^ To all suggesting counselling. It really does help if you get a nice counsellor. I had CBT for 3 months and I looked forward to it ever week, just getting to "let it all out". Then my therapist went on maternity leave and I just didn't connect with my new one :(

Change your username! You're giving credence to that voice in your head!

I'm going through a crisis atm and am not eating much, my mum is helpfully pointing out every cloud... I'm a size 12 too and quite tall.

I’m the same (my parents weren’t bullies but I was bullied for my looks until mid-teens).
I try not to think about it too much and I make up for it in personality- someone said something amazing about me (to me) at work the other day so trying to keep that in mind.
I have a lot of friends, am married, have kids - all things I didn’t know if I’d have as a child - so have done so despite being not blessed in looks dept. I have nice hair, reasonable figure for a 40-something so I am concentrating on positives (looks are less noticed as you get older anyway!).
I don’t really want counselling as I pretty much have worked through it myself now, but def go if you think it will help.
Then teeth can be fixed and hair styled by a decent hairdresser (mine has to be tamed a bit but it’s lovely when styled well).

I read a very good article about how cruel and unkind messages during childhood disrupt brain 🧠 and basically leave a lasting and negative legacy

Try and think that your abusive childhood has basically adapted your brain and how it processes thoughts
Especially around your self worth

Please look after yourself

I'm sure you're nowhere near as ugly as you think you are and it sounds like you've come obsessed with your appearance due to other people's unkindness.

I'm sure therapy would help if it's available.

Also, have you tried looking at other things like making sure that you're well groomed and have flattering clothes? All these parts make up a whole and give you different things to focus on.

Remember that 'handsome is as handsome does' which is an old-fashioned phrase but it's true. Some of the most beautiful people have ugly personalities and that's what really matters so please don't put yourself down.

The shame about your appearance, mirror checking and checking yourself in shop windows is indicative of something like Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It might be worth doing some reading into this to see if you recognise any of the other symptoms and go to your GP to chat about it and be referred for CBT or other therapy.

I've had BDD for years (since I was little) and cannot see myself the way others see me. It has lead to eating disorders and real distress. Much of what you say and the words you use (I've previously described my appearance as "horrific") are familiar to me.

Me too op.
I do not look in the mirror, I do not look in shop windows.

I point blank refuse to be in any photographs for anything.

My ID badge at work is turned the wrong way round so it can’t be seen.

I am fat and hideous.

But that is the least of my problems to be honest.
Good luck, try counselling it may help.

I'm so sorry you feel this way OP, your self confidence sounds non existent. Rest assured you are NOT fat, you are NOT ugly. The people surrounding you are the ugly ones.

I really think you could benefit from some counseling to address your childhood abuse, your perceptions of yourself are a manifestation of what you went through and ARE NOT TRUE.

There was a scene from My Mad Fat Diary where the young woman's counsellor asked her when she began to have issues with food and told her to imagine her childhood self and call her fat and call her names. She wouldn't and I imagine every person who has body issues wouldn't say hurtful things to their childhood selves because looking back you know they were not true.

You are worthy of respecting, loving and liking yourself, whilst it's easier said than done, one thing that really got me through my eating disorder phase was 'be the person you needed when you were younger'.

Childhood you would be extremely proud of the woman you have become, you have a family, you don't spend two hours a day bouffanting your hair! You have achieved things many only dream of, start recognizing all of you have accomplished and all you are worth - you deserve to x

I bet you aren't ugly at all OP. You have low self esteem and a horrible child hood.

I would love to be your size.

I bet you are lovely. Children say silly things. Be kind to yourself.

"I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’?" (Jk Rowling)

Being fat or ugly are not character flaws.

My mum said recently the best thing a parent can do for their children is to make sure they are able to love themselves. Build up their self confidence.

I'm sorry your parents didn't do this for you, that is their fault, not yours. They are bullies, nasty, vain, vindictive. Not you. And if you are fat and ugly, you're still 100x better than the people who couldn't be kind to a child.

@beanaseireann

I know the feeling sad

I don’t know any of the other names on this thread but I do know yours. Must be the kindred Celt thing. Anyway, I always imagine you in my head as being pretty and vivacious with lots of curly hair.
🙂

Hi OP. I just wanted to be another voice here letting you know that what you are experiencing is a self esteem crisis and it happens to all types of people. Rich, poor, big, small, black and white and anyone in between. Seek counseling and support. It's awful to feel bad in your own skin, I speak from experience. I still struggle with self esteem issues but they don't dictate my life, so I feel like I am on the winning side right now. And stop obsessing in the mirror. You can overcome this, at the very least to the point of not being miserable.

Go for counselling. Your bloody mother has done a right number on you.

Sending you huge hugs.

You can change things. I assure you, you're not one-hundredth as ugly as you think you are.

You know what's ugly? Meanness, cruelty, unkindness.

People who are kind, friendly, happy are not ugly.

I’m so sorry you feel like this.
You need to heal the traumas in your childhood.
Find a good therapist ( not counselling, this is not a problem to unpick, you need therapy). You may also have a PTSD, look up online diagnostic tools, which can link you to therapists.
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