To be constantly horrified by how ugly I am?

[uglyuglyugly]

This issue consumes me and has taken over my life. I had an abusive childhood, with a violent bully of a stepdad who ran me down every day and my mum backed him up. Then I was called all manner of names at school including ‘birds nest’ about my hair, ‘bugs bunny’ about my teeth and was told I was so ugly I’d never get married.
I also had a boyfriend who continually called me goofy.
So I hate my teeth and my hair which I keep snipping at and changing my hairstyle in a bid to look better. My son called me fat the other day (I’m a size 12, he didn’t mean to offend me I don’t think, he’s young).

I’m overwhelmed with shame about my appearance. When out in public I keep glancing in shop windows and mirrors and recoiling in horror at what I see, and at home I keep checking in the mirror continuously.

It should also be noted that my mother is/ was the most vain person on the planet who spends two hours a day bavkcombing her hair into a massive bouffant (not exaggerating) and slags off people for being over a size 10.

I feel so disgusted by my appearance and no hairstyle makes me feel better. What do I do

I had lots of issues and insecurities when growing up.
My Mum never praised me, only criticised me, as per her words, I had other relatives to praise me. I was the pet of my father's side of the family and she never let me live it down, even though I was actually constantly trying to win her approval and hated being the pawn in the war between her and my father's side of the family. I realise she was just as unhappy as I was but she took it out on the wrong person. I'm actually on NC basis with my father's side of the family now because they poisoned my relationship with my own family and brought my aunt, their son's wife to a premature death at not even 50 with their constant nagging, gossip and open dislike because she wasn't good for their dear son.
My hair was never nice. It's really thick and healthy but to her, it's always been something that needed a haircut, a perm a whatever.
I've never been sporty before - am now but I needed 20 years of living apart from my family to get there.
I went into puberty really early - period at 10, boobs, pubic hair. I grew up very fast and could eat whatever I wanted and was still thin but the metabolism started slowing down when I was about 15-16 and I started getting chubby. Plus, because I've always been whisked away for weekends with my father's family and was never with my own siblings properly, I never took part in hiking etc. that they did on a regular basis with my Mum, so no, I wasn't sporty and was told I was clumsy and always get into accidents so I'm better off at my Gran's anyway.
One evening, when I was about 17, I was in my short nightie and just went to get something from the living room where my Mum and Dad were watching telly. Suddenly my Mum looks at me, starts pointing at my thighs and tells my Dad - Oh, look at those, they're monstrous. Look at the fat! And then started having a rant about how I'm not sporty and eat too much and she had to redo my dress for the debs as I put on so much weight.
Well, that was a nice beginning to my issues with food I still have - even though they're much better now. But every time I look at food, there's a tiny person in my brain showing me my thighs and pointing at all the calories that thing has.
It's bad when someone's constantly putting you down so much. Took me years to sort out my issues with my Mum, mainly because she got divorced and cleared her head and saw how their power games damaged my relationship with the family.

If I may, let me tell you what ugly is.

Ugly is a bully
Ugly is spiteful ness
Ugly is thinking you are better than everyone else
Ugly is putting people down
Ugly is rudeness
Ugly is cheating on people
Ugly is mistreating people
Ugly is being full of hate for others
Ugly is everything you’ve had done to you.
Ugly is how you feel about yourself my lovely lady.

Next time you venture out. Stop and buy a coffee or something and sit either in a window or a bench and just watch people walk by.

You’ll see some hold their heads up and smile. Some hold their noses up in the air and look down on you and others. Some bow their heads and scurry along, hoping nobody notices them.
If it were an emergency, which type of person would you feel approachable? Even if you just needed to know the time?

Now think about that. Think about what sort of people you would feel you could approach if you had to. I promise you, looks have nothing to do with it. Some of the worlds most ‘ beautiful’ people are the biggest fuckwits of all.

I am 6 ft talk and slim. Lift up my jumper and I am 5 bellies. I burp, I fart. There are some bits I like, and some bits I hate. 30 weeks of therapy completed and I realised that all the hate I had for myself had been dumped in me by sick, twisted arseholes, who were supposed to love me. Ugly is how you feel. It’s not who you are or even close.
Just reading your post, I would happily and proudly spend time with you.
Look up Katie Piper on YouTube if you can. That poor girl had a horrific thing done to her. Completely disfiguring, but in my opinion, she is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful women in the world. Not only that, she’s helped thousands of people.

Here if you want a friend.

Oh gosh, you're not ugly. If your teeth are such a concern, go see a cosmetic dentist and get them sorted. I had a grey front tooth (after root canal work in my teens) and eventually, 20 years later, went to see a private dentist and had a composite veneer done. It sound pathetic but it transformed my life. I can smile in photos now, smile at strangers, not want to constantly cover my mouth when I'm out.

“Choose this life. Choose this body. Say yes to all of it. Say yes to the beauty and the good and the ugly and the difficult. Choose what you have, what you are. Choose this moment. Choose to love and remember. You are full. You are alive.”
―Kimber Simpkins

Very sad to read this OP I hope you manage to get some counselling and realise that it’s not you but the insecure bullies who have the issue.

Sounds as though you've got good grasp on the reason you feel like this - that your confidence was destroyed by your parents and has left you really vulnerable. I second the early response to try counselling if you haven't already, it's not an easy or quick fix but it can really really help.

It's fantastic that you've got a loving partner and that you are caring and understanding towards your ds, those things will stand you in far greater stead long term.

Even if you had been beautiful no doubt your parents would have found other ways to make you feel like shit because of whatever the hell is wrong with them. You'll be fine

Big hugs

The only ugly here is the ugliness of a childhood without any nurture and constant abuse .
Your mother is a narcissistic idiot incapable of love . Her choice of men was abysmal and they deserve each other .
On the contrary you have a son who you forgive for the occasional silly comment .
First stop has to be your GP though I think on some areas you can self refer for counselling . Ring your surgery for advice .
I can assure you that whatever faults you see reflected

In mirrors are largely the product of your abusive past . As you become more confident you will develop your own sense of style . True beauty comes from within x

HarryHarry you rock!!! :o

No you are not ugly, beauty comes from within, walk tall and be proud.

Oh love, how awful

I remember being in that place, where I’d go clothes shopping and end up crying because I thought I looked absolutely disgusting in everything I wore or tried on. I second counselling, it did me wonders. I know av got a pretty bad mental condition but I’m sure you can still get counselling for this through a standard gp? I know we have a service here which is self referral but I don’t think it goes past our county.

I reckon if you posted a pic here tonnes of people will find something they love about you that they hate about themselves!

Ozziewozzie your post was so beautiful! and can i just say i think your amazing right now.and i wish with every part of me that you love yourself too now.

You probably aren't ugly.

I was beautiful when I was younger, I can see that now when I look at photos of myself back then. I thought I looked hideous and fat. I was a size 8 but I felt like a size 18. I was just so overcritical of every tiny thing. I also hated my hair.

Now I'm a lot older and a bit fatter and I think I look ok when l look in the mirror. My daughter tells me I look old and fat and she's probably right, but in my head I look alright. It must be because I like myself a lot more.

Mirrors lie. Cameras are a bit more honest, but not completely.

Try and focus on other things. Even if you are ugly, your appearance is a tiny insignificant part of who you are. Concentrate on things you enjoy doing instead, build up relationships with more people, take up a new hobby or sport. Stop looking in the mirror all the time. Being overcritical gives you wrinkles - it's a fact.

@Ozziewozzie that post was so moving! I have screengrabbed it to save for when I need a pick me up.

And remember this - no matter how much she back combs her stupid hair and fits her vain arse into size 10 clothes, your so called mother is, and will always be, a vindictive ugly cow inside. angry

Thank you for this @Ellie56. It actually helps me to stay in an angry frame of mind so I realise this isn’t actually my fault, it’s all to do with fucking them!!

I have the opposite problem. I think I look good and then am constantly disappointed when I see that I haven’t aged well at all.

Frankly it doesn’t matter if you actually are ugly or not does it?
You get one chance of life so do what you can to enjoy it.
There are plenty of “ugly” people in the world; it’s just we are only given attractive ones as examples in the mass media.People lose all their hair, have bad skin, get scarred, get injuries and still have to crack on. And so can you. Be the ambassador for us uglies.

OP... I hear you and feel about myself what you feel about you.

I grew up in a pass remarkable family, my mother frequently displayed on my bed the empty crisp packets I'd stuffed behind my headboard.

I felt shame, disgust and embarrassment.

I then went on to marry a man who was deeply unkind, who criticised my appearance after having children, who refused to have sex with me. He's now an ex.

I sit today, in the office, convinced that I repulse people. (I know that makes me sound self-absorbed)

I couldn't tell you the last time I felt truly good. I'm fat and look quite manly in the face. It saddens me because I'm kind, funny, intelligent and a great friend, daughter and mum of 3. Yet I equate and value my perceptions about my appearance higher than everything else, and cant imagine any man finding me attractive.

Sorry, I'm waffling. I believe that therapy will help me, and people like us. These thoughts are the most horrendous burden

OP

You are not ugly OP . You are beautiful. Your husband obviously thinks so too. Unfortunately you have had nasty people telling you otherwise and so those comments are ingrained in your memory and so it is hard for you to think otherwise.

I had people telling me over the years that I was thick and even though I got bachelor's and masters degrees and professional qualifications and other skills, I often still think of myself as thick because of what people said when I was younger. But what I tell myself now is that yes actually there are some things I'm bad at and come across a bit thick when it comes to understanding certain things, but there are also lots of things I am clever at. Now I just accept my failings and don't give a toss what people think of me.

You said you have goofy teeth. That doesn't mean you are ugly. I find goofy teeth in a woman rather attractive. You said about your hair. I doubt there is anything wrong with your hair but if you still think there is, I'm sure a hairdresser can change it for you. You said your child said you are fat. You are only a size 12 which is not fat. If you were overweight though, it is something you could do something about. You are you though and you don't need to change anything about yourself because of horrible things others have said. But you do need to learn to accept yourself and be happy about yourself and counselling could help with that. Have you ever talked with your husband about it? He obviously loves you for you. You sound like a lovely person on the inside and I bet you are too on the outside. You need to retrain what you think of yourself though and learn to accept that horrible people will say horrible things but that doesn't mean they are true or right

Ugly is two hideous bullies tormenting a defenceless child relentlessly.

Not you.

This makes me hate society so much - we're all conditioned to think that beauty is this one thing (size 10, symmetrical features, etc) and that women must be beautiful to be worth anything.

It's such bollocks! The enjoyable parts of my life haven't been anything to do with anybody's looks.

Joy and comfort in life is in other places. In the hugs from your children, when you're walking by the sea, enjoying the company of friends, appreciating a sunset, feeling proud of an achievement, feeling satisfaction when you've finished a job (even just the washing up).

Do get yourself some CBT to shift all your negative belief and your obsession with your looks. You'll feel so much better once you've mastered some CBT techniques.

This makes me feel so sorry for my SIL who puts me down so badly because her mother keeps making her feel ugly and using me to make her feel shit about herself.

My sister in law thinks she needs plastic surgery.

Everyone who knows her thinks she is very pretty and it’s only her perception of herself making it hard for her to believe.

I was honestly confused and baffled why she felt this way about herself because she is very attractive.

I don’t know why a mother would do that to her child. It’s the most hideous way to treat a daughter..

Your bullies did this to you because they’re insecure about themselves... and because you had no confidence/age to stand up for them they saw you as a target.

I’m so sorry :(. You didn’t deserve that. This world baffles me sometimes.. why anyone would pick on a child like this and destroy their confidence is beyond me

Even people who genuinely are ugly have the right to hold their heads high and live a full life with maximum visiblity.

It doesn't matter how you look, everyone has their place on this planet.

Someone posted on here a few days ago about the awful voice in your head putting you down, telling you you're ugly, telling you you will fail. She was brilliant - I think she'd been for counselling - but the advice was to give the voice a name; hers was Frank, and then every time the nasty little voice started she said, 'Fuck off, Frank' which I loved.

Others are right that the ugly people are the ones who were so unkind to you.

Op this is so sad to read :( and it's really hit me as I feel the same way. I can't leave the house without make up on, I have horrible skin, large nose and crap features. My body is okay but nothing special. I used to have terrible teeth and was bullied for my looks all throughout high school and its destroyed my self esteem completely.

I wish I knew what the answer was to stop feeling like this.

But I agree that the true ugly people are those who put others down, looks will fade and they will be left with a shitty personality. At least I get some self worth through being kind and caring to others and bringing up my son to also be kind.

@aufaitaccompli have a cuddle from me.