To be constantly horrified by how ugly I am?

[uglyuglyugly]

This issue consumes me and has taken over my life. I had an abusive childhood, with a violent bully of a stepdad who ran me down every day and my mum backed him up. Then I was called all manner of names at school including ‘birds nest’ about my hair, ‘bugs bunny’ about my teeth and was told I was so ugly I’d never get married.
I also had a boyfriend who continually called me goofy.
So I hate my teeth and my hair which I keep snipping at and changing my hairstyle in a bid to look better. My son called me fat the other day (I’m a size 12, he didn’t mean to offend me I don’t think, he’s young).

I’m overwhelmed with shame about my appearance. When out in public I keep glancing in shop windows and mirrors and recoiling in horror at what I see, and at home I keep checking in the mirror continuously.

It should also be noted that my mother is/ was the most vain person on the planet who spends two hours a day bavkcombing her hair into a massive bouffant (not exaggerating) and slags off people for being over a size 10.

I feel so disgusted by my appearance and no hairstyle makes me feel better. What do I do

I know the feeling. People compliment me but I just don't believe them because I struggle with ongoing pain. And because of the pain I then struggle with believing in myself and feel unattractive. Counselling has helped a bit. Could you try counselling or cbt?

intermittent That's a fab quote. I'm keeping that one next to my heart.

Absolutely counselling.
I'm in the process of challenging all the core beliefs that were rammed into me as a child. It is so hard. Especially when these beliefs are reinforced by close members of your family who are supposed to love you.
It is hard work. And traumatic. But I am starting to finally see a little light at the end of the tunnel.
Go for it OP.

This is the saddest post title I’ve ever seen on here. I’m so sorry you feel like this. I just want to say that I’m here with you. My shame about my body and my teeth massively affected my life and I never had a happy or normal sexual relationship. I’ve been single for around 20 years and I’m not old. Never had a proper relationship. I now am fat and don’t take care of my appearance but I used to care a lot.
I really hope you can feel better about yourself. I would give you a hug if I could.

Yes I've been there too. I'm from a beautiful family and was constantly teased by them for my appearance growing up. My appearance used to upset me so much, I tried to make myself look nice but those feelings are so ingrained aren't they? The way I deal with it now is that I know that I'm ugly, I can't kid myself that I'm not, but I also know that I am beautiful inside, I know that my friends like me and my husband and children love me for exactly the way I am. And really, isn't that all anyone wants, when you come down to it? To be accepted and liked? But you have to accept and like yourself first. I still find it hard to look at photos but I've just kind of made peace with it on a day-to-day level.

With all due respect with that kind of damage inflicted on you as a child it is not surprising to read you feel the way you do about yourself.

The first thing you need to do is switch off their narrative in your head. Remove some of the mirrors so that you're not constantly checking your appearance. Quit that habit. Work on your inner self before you start worrying about what's wrong with your outer self.

I still have some problems with self image and have had lots of therapy. It really does help though. I went from hating myself, not liking childhood me to closer to accepting me and loving the child I was and seeing her as perfect and vulnerable.

I bet you are not ugly OP, few people actually are, you think you are ugly and once this thought is embedded in your mind, you'll see exactly what you want, to confirm this. Any harsh comment, bad picture etc will internalise this negative thought and before you know it you'll hate yourself and believe you are worthy of nothing. You mention your hair and teeth, both can be fixed as can most cosmetic things nowadays, but before you rush into this, I'd invest in some counselling, you need some help to deal with the abusive childhood and low self esteem.

This is such a sad thread hearing about the damage caused to so many people.

@Adviceorhelp

It has affected my sex life too. I feel like I’m too ugly for sex and feel disgusting. My husband has been incredibly loving, a good listener and patient over the years.

I'm sorry your parents didn't do this for you, that is their fault, not yours. They are bullies, nasty, vain, vindictive. Not you. And if you are fat and ugly, you're still 100x better than the people who couldn't be kind to a child.

I will remember these words.

Instead of finding your flaws, look for things that you love. Concentrate on those. If you were that ugly, you would still be a virgin... But even if you were a top catwalk model with men falling at your feet, you would still find flaws if you are looking for flaws. Especially if you were called fat.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

NoTheresa
sadly I'm not pretty, vivacious and with lots of curly hair.
I wasnt bad in my teens and early twenties but it's been downhill.
A sadness in my life has made me comfort eat and I need to lose weight- about a stone and a half.
I'm quiet and shy with frizzy hair that looks ok when blowdried.
But you know, I'm a kind person. So i'm ok.
And thank you so much for your compliment. It's made my day

Good advice above and I am sorry you feel this way.
Looks are not as important as you think they are so just relax about it all or get some help. Vanity was a sin which was not a bad moral standard to go by - that we should be spending more time thinking of how we can help others rather than bothering about how we look which is never a route to happiness.

Beauty is in the 'eye of the beholder'. You've just been looked at by 'ugly in the soul' people.
Ask yourself, would a normal person go around calling others 'ugly'?
No, they wouldn't.
So why do you care what they think about you?
Your soul has more beauty than they could ever hope to have. That's why they 'attack'.
Rise above it and learn to like yourself

Basically you need to rewire your brain.

I would start with counselling but there are some great meditation tracks and positive affirmation exercises you can do which will support this.

I thought I was ugly for years -- until I was in my 30s. Genuinely believed myself to be hideous. It meant I projected a total lack of self confidence and that when men showed interest in me I was so grateful I allowed them to take advantage of me. When I came out of an abusive marriage to someone with mental health and alcohol problems I did a lot of work on myself and realised I am not ugly at all and now, pushing 50, I feel vastly more attractive than I ever did at 25. I just wish I had grasped the nettle when I was younger.

I guarantee you are not ugly. It's all in your head. It's not easy to change this perception but it is possible and if you want to do it enough you will. But you have to be quite ruthless with yourself and in countering the voices of self doubt. It's quite hard for a while but by god will you feel better for it.

You have been put into a vulnerable state by those around you.

It is what is inside that matters. Yoga. Meditation. Peace.

You are not ugly so stop beating yourself up.
The ugly bstards are the ones that put people with low self esteem down. You sound like a very likable soul to me and I bet you have one great big heart. Ignore the nasties and when your bitch of a mother says anything again make her realise shes an up herself self- centered nasty bitch
who`s only happy making others un-happy.
Please start having nice thoughts .

I am/was exactly the same OP.

Two things have helped me: (1) A male colleague who wanted to be a plastic surgeon once listed all the things that were wrong with my appearance that he would like to “fix”. As he was doing so, I suddenly blurted out “There’s nothing wrong with me, actually, I look exactly as I’m supposed to look”. Of course I didn’t mean it but I felt pissed off at him for imposing his bullshit beauty standards on me and suddenly became determined to like how I looked just to spite knobheads like him who thought I shouldn’t. That included my parents. Because who are they to say that my freckles are gross or my face is fat or whatever? What makes their opinion so valuable? Especially when they’re hardly perfect themselves. I saw becoming confident as an act of rebellion against all that. A big Fuck You to all those horrible, vain, shallow, hateful people.

(2) I am about to have a baby girl. I do not want to pass my issues onto her. I do not want her to grow up thinking that her self worth lies in how she looks, or that other people’s opinions on her looks matter.

Sometimes I still feel shit about how I look if I accidentally catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or someone takes an unflattering photo of me. But I do as much as I can to look good (basic hair and makeup, really, nothing extreme) and then try to forget about it. There really are more important things in life.

PS. A counsellor I saw recommended a book called Feeling Good which teaches you how to correct distortions in your thinking that cause these feelings (because they ARE distortions - you are NOT ugly). It was sort of the origin of CBT. I think it could help you too.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Beauty is such an objective thing, and it's a cliche but I really believe that beauty is within, especially when you get to know a person. Are you kind? That's true beauty in my opinion.

To quote Roald Dahl:

"“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

Not to say you shouldn't have 'ugly' thoughts about the people who have treated you like this, they have behaved dreadfully.

I don't think there is a woman alive who hasn't had some issues about her looks, including some absolute stunners!

I did not realise how sensitive I was about my looks when I was young until I remembered my brother ratting on me to mum when she came back from a day out and told her I had destroyed most of my photos. Actually looking back I was quite attractive. Lovely curly hair, quite good skin (but one of those drama queens who has one spot and thinks they are plagued by acne!), I was a size 14 and always wore a coat to hide my bust.

I am now an 18/20, only wear a coat when it is cold and don't give much of a flying fuck anymore. I just wish I could go back in time and have a word with myself!!! It would be nice to lose my belly but the bust can stay!!

My heart breaks for you OP because I know you aren't ugly. I've never seen an ugly person. You're a child who has been emotionally abused by parents inside the body of a hurting adult.

I know my words don't really help, but as someone who empathises and knows what self-hate feels like, I couldn't not reply. This is one life we have, you mustn't waste any more of this precious time you have in hating the body which carries you, which has borne a child, which is loved by others. Your self is precious. I'm so sorry you're hurting.

You are not ugly OP. You were just unlucky to get two vile excuses for human beings for your parents.

And remember this - no matter how much she back combs her stupid hair and fits her vain arse into size 10 clothes, your so called mother is, and will always be, a vindictive ugly cow inside.

children call you fat when you eat an xtra piece of cabbage,when they first hear the word they have no real onnection to what it means.and i often find the kids calling it are almost using it more out of some sort of affection!aying it to mums they clearly adore.(said in jokey way not horrid way of course)

you arent ugly.who is ugly.what is the definition.the elephant man?Gwyneth paltrow.jennifer anniston? why arent they ugly.at what point in a system long ago did we make up these perfect definitions of what beauty is.
and if theyd have said that beauty was defined as a size 20 goof teethed spotty hunchback we would all be lving by it and calling the model ugly! its nothing.its nothing.ugly isnt even a thing.
beauty is what you feel.and seriously is how that pours out of you.some of the most beautiful woman i knonw are the ones the m"media" wouldnt call beautiful.but they love life.lvoe good food.love being free and living and wild and happy! you see it just blooy shines out of them.
you have been forced almost into believing this about yourself throughout your whole life.
what would you sau to a friedn who was saying this.or someone else who felt shit about themselves?
beauty comes from acceptance about who you are first.then you let yourself do the things you love,wear what you like,act however you feel like atnig and soon you find yourself.you build on each part of yourself until your this being you love.doing wha tyou love.
but it has to come from you.finally seeing that you are a cherished part of this universe.

what have you dont good in the world.
what parts of you do you like?honestly.i know there is something! the way your eyes cirnkle when you life?the way you mother.care nurture people?your world views and kindess.think of things that make you ok.good.brilliant!
also doing stuff you like.finding yourself a life where you fit into.
noone is beautiful.because everyone is.