You can't just 'move on' from an abusive childhood?

[ArrestedDeveloper]

Or 'let go', 'get over it', 'overcome it'!

AIBU to think the people who spout this nonsense have no idea how the brain works? This includes therapists, psychiatrists and GP's.

You can 'forgive' abuser all you like. That doesn't change your neural pathways or your core beliefs which are almost impossible to change.

Sorry, you can forgive your abuser all you like.

I agree 100%. I wish I didn’t - it would be wonderful to think that all I need is to buck myself up a bit and I could get over it all. Do people think we enjoy feeling this way, and that, if the solution was as easy as they think it is, we wouldn’t take it and feel better?

I don't know - personally, I felt I had to understand, process and then draw a line under it, and yes, move on.

Is it easy? No. And recovery doesn't follow an upward linear path; some days are easier than others. There will always be triggers, and no doubt my personality is altered because of what I've been through. But it definitely feels behind me. CBT helped with that.

I don't forgive my abuser; I don't have to. But I'm in charge of my emotions and my life now, and I choose for it to affect me as little as humanly possible, so I suppose I do feel I've overcome it - I've survived it.

It's different for everyone, I hope you can find your way to recovery, whatever that means for you.

I'm not sure because if you don't deal with in and move on in some shape they you are always a victim.
Yes it will always affect you and always be part of why you are the adult you are - but what's the other option - if not to move? To relive it every day? No thanks.

Also, everyone deals with situations differently.

The idea that you have to forgive to move on is outdated now but is was a belief is some areas of therapy

For some people this is the case for others it’s not. For me to feel indifferent was my changing point. It’s individual and most therapists and psychologists would recognize this

Changing patterns of behaviour is a huge challenge mine have been formed by my childhood I know often I am following that same pattern (particularly with men) and get frustrated but I am able to deal with this and at times manage to move away or change how I am reacting - it makes me over think and that is draining at times

I had a very abusive childhood but was able to move past it because of CBT. I'd also reached the point of feeling suicidal so for me it was about making a choice, either it swallowed me whole or I could fight it. Not everyone has this choice but it was the one I had to make.

I don't agree tbh. But it's a personal choice, there isn't a one sized fits all.

I'm one of 4 kids who had a horribly, abusive childhood. 3 of us have made the choice to move on. It still affects us, don't get me wrong but it doesn't control our adult lives.

The one sibling who hasn't has done some pretty, horrible, abusive things towards us. And placed it all on the head of the abuse they suffered over 40 years ago. Including detailing the abuse my brother suffered (( his rape basically )) and putting it allover Facebook to make sure his daughter would see it. This was all because he'd commented that he'd boxed up that part of his life. He no longer felt controlled by it.

It's sad. And she's obviously very trouble but to protect our own mental health we've had to go no contact.

Yanbu. Only the blissfully ignorant would say yabu. The work of trauma is to look upon what's happened to you as not your fault. Even if you can get to a place to rationalise that it was the was the fault of your care givers, it's very difficult to believe it wasn't due to you personally and change your core beliefs. Even then- you'll still have the increased cortisol of someone who has experienced complex trauma and have to manage that for the rest of your life. You can live a good life but it takes effort. 💐

Mine was very, very abusive. I think I've moved on. I am not an abusive parent or person , I don't tend to think about it, it doesn't control me, and am generally quite happy and I guess considered successful I suppose . I learned to block things out as a child, it's done me well as an adult.

I don't forgive though. Not even slightly. I am very open about it though and my friends know. I'm ok talking about it and don't hide it. But I also don't dwell on it.

I honestly tend to think thank fuck I'm no longer in that situation.

It’s difficult because I do mostly think I am ‘over it’ as in it doesn’t affect my daily life anymore but it has shaped my life now (as all childhoods do). But saying that, it does negatively affect how I see myself and this relates back to the way I was treated but this only comes out when I am in an unfamiliar setting or around people I don’t know

The way I look at it is the abuse controlled my life when I was too young to do anything about it, now I am an adult I do have a choice and my choice is to not allow it to control my future and to do that I have chosen to be NC with some family members

Neuroplasticity means that yes, people can 're-wire' neural pathways.

The thing is it takes time and resources (enough energy from not fire fighting things like homelessness or ill health, access to appropriate therapy, some supportive people in your life) to do this work - so sadly if circumstances are not favourable then an individual might not have the opportunity.

I disagree - it’s taken me HUGE amounts of work but yes I have overcome my past and completed re aligned how I think, act, feel, interpret situations / events and feel at peace with almost everything that’s happened to me.

But it's a personal choice, there isn't a one sized fits all.

I don't think 'choice' comes into it at a fundamental level, to be honest.

Not everyone has access to the same resources, either innate or external - we are not all starting from the same point, and we don't all end up in a place where we have the same options or choices available.

I don't think anyone is saying everyone can get over it, I think what's being said is many can.

I did, and even though I was more heavily abused, by little brother didn't. He is a drug addict and an alcoholic, with a criminal record. It defined his life.

As my grandfather said to my father, he is what he made him. But some kids have a great upbringing, and they also go off the rails. There is no one answer for all. There is no definitive statement that you can't get over it or you can. We are all different.

I hope, for my sons sake he can indeed move on.

His therapist said that when she met him five years ago he was the most traumatised child she'd ever worked with. He was having nightmares, flashbacks and was triggered constantly. He has complex PTSD.

He's worked so damn hard and is now a happy, well rounded and adjusted mid teen who's able to form good relationships with his peers and adults alike. Yes, he's still triggered occasionally, but is able to talk about his abuse and abuser and deal with it. He asked me once if he would always have his abuse in the front of his mind. He feared he would forever. Now - his words - he doesn't give it much headspace. He said he wasn't going to let what his abuser did be the thing that defined him.

I think it’s wholly possible, based on my own experience - not easy and very painful in places but the shame and blame and self loathing that were part of me for so long simply aren’t there any more.

For me CBT helped me deal with the symptomatic stuff, the anxiety, flashbacks, of panic attacks but it was long term humanistic, relational therapy that actually helped me heal properly.

It is possible to heal from quite horrific trauma, core beliefs can be challenged and changed, emotional regulation, self acceptance and indeed growth are all possible. I know that for myself and for many many people I’ve worked with over the years. It’s not a case of just get over it, think positively or indeed forgive anyone (though self forgiveness and self compassion are hugely healing), it takes work but it can be done.

I believe in 'accepting' what has happened rather than letting go or forgetting. Core beliefs can be changed!
Forgiving has a strong meaning attached to it. It's almost like you are giving the person who caused you extreme pain, the power. Like "ok I know you hurt me but it's ok, I'll just move on so you can live your life, but I'll carry this bag of emotions.. but thanks for the momories"..
I'm a therapist/counsellor and I've also come from a background of complex trauma. So, it frustrates me that clients don't be heard or supported through their experiences! I have come across counsellors/mental health professions trying to 'fix' or 'cure' someone. In my experience that person just needs heard and their inner child to express and feel safe- NOT to focus go 'letting go' or forgetting. I hate that because that like unconsciously telling them it's not ok for you to be you because you need to focus on forgiving your abuser. I hope that makes sense, I get very passionate about childhood trauma and very angry at people who don't GET IT!!

Interesting replies. Thank you.

So the general consensus is that I'm wrong. I must try harder then!

I thought I'd put it behind me until someone from the past opened Pandora's box. I'm nearly 50. I'm undergoing trauma based therapy including EMDR, which is helping. Made me realise that I've carried round horrible anxiety for years, I'd just not put a name to it.

Up until 4 years ago ibwoold have disagreed.

I was fine after an abusive childhood. Married, kids, good career saw my parents regularly. We all moved past the past and were loving life.

Then I slowly realised that my marriage was abusive. Controlling, scary and I thiugh it was normal. Followed a period of a quite literal breakdown. Where i realised that actually i hadnt just moved on.

I had buried it. After medication and extensive counselling I realise I havent been ok. I have been good at pretending to keep everyone happy.

I am getting there though now. I am getting better. But its fucking hard. I havenr seen my mother (the abuser) this year at all. My father (the enabler) either. It still breaks my heart that the people who should live me most, didnt. One continually hurt me. One watched it happen and didnt do anything.

Then my husband sid the same. I feel unloveable. I probably always will. Dp is great. But I wont ever open up to him fully or let myself fall in love with him properly. Because at some point he will probably hurt me too.

I live, I have happiness with my kids, i enjoy the day to day stuff and my work. I enjoy being with Dp. But theres a huge part of me that will never be fixed completely.

I think childhood abuse is something a person has to carry with them their whole life. You don’t get to set that burden down and walk away from it. Some days it’s a feather and you barely notice, other days it feels like the crushing weight of being at the bottom of the sea. So, yes, you can “move on” but it’s never not with you.

I think forgiveness is irrelevant, and indeed insulting to many abuse survivors -- I certainly don't subscribe to it, and I hope my abuser, when he died, did so screaming. He deserved it.

But I believe that I am responsible for how I deal with what has happened to me. I do not choose to be defined by what was done to me, and I believe I am, to a large extent, 'recovered'. However, having said that, there are physical things I can't and won't do which most people wouldn't bat an eyelid at, and pregnancy caused me horrendous flashbacks and ended in a CS. My body has held onto stuff I've 'let go' for almost 40 years.

@ArrestedDeveloper please don't think you're wrong. You're not!

It's up to the individual as victims/survivors to define their own experiences and recovery terms.

It's wrong for professionals to tell us to 'get over it' or 'move on' - it's up to us how we begin to recover and go forward.

So the general consensus is that I'm wrong. I must try harder then!

I honestly don’t think it’s a case of try harder. For me it was a combination of it being the right time, finding the right person to work with, having the time, space and resources to do the work. The NHS was worse than useless in my case so I ended up paying for therapy privately, I didn’t work full time for around 3 years and had a core group of friends who supported me. It wouldn’t have mattered how hard I worked if those things weren’t in place.

I guess I would say there’s always hope, recovery is a real possibility but not easy and nit necessarily in your control.