You can't just 'move on' from an abusive childhood?

[ArrestedDeveloper]

Or 'let go', 'get over it', 'overcome it'!

AIBU to think the people who spout this nonsense have no idea how the brain works? This includes therapists, psychiatrists and GP's.

You can 'forgive' abuser all you like. That doesn't change your neural pathways or your core beliefs which are almost impossible to change.

YANBU.

I can't help wondering who I would have been, if my childhood was different. The neural pathways involved in nurturing relationships, self esteem, and attachment are largely closed by aged 7 apparently, and it's hard to 'reverse' the effects of neglect or abuse during formative years.

I've maintained in hindsight that I should have been removed from my mother's home at the age of 10, but it was the 80s and so my childhood was (to me at least), normal.
I do wonder how much pain I could have avoided as a teen because violence was normal to me. I wonder whether I would have left abusive relationships sooner because I recognised them as abusive and not par for the course.

So you can "get past" an abusive childhood, but can't underestimate how much it has probably moulded your brain for the future you have I think.

YANBU OP I have learned to accept that there are parts of me that will never change due to the abuse I had as a child. They are always there, but I can choose how I confront them and it’s been a years long process and is still going and probably will for the rest of my life.

I’m better than I used to be and will continue to aim for improvement - but will I ever truly get over it? No. Will I overcome it? That is the aim. I have two DC of my own and would never dream of abandoning them, being physically abusive or emotionally abusive towards them - but I do sometimes see glimpses of what I feared as a child within myself on particularly trying days, so I remove myself from the room for a minute or two, calm myself down, reset and go back in. If I hadn’t had the childhood I did I wouldn’t have to do this (possibly) but I do manage it in a way that I don’t fall down the rabbit hole. If that makes any sense?

So for me it’s about finding a place for it within myself, to try and not perpetuate the cycle and to allow myself to be happy. I have a constant inferiority complex, have serious abandonment issues and still struggle with physical contact. But I’m working on it and I feel that’s all I can ask of myself and I am extremely lucky I have a DH who understands it.

The physical contact aversion has never affected my children as I can’t seem to stop cuddling them (when they’re receptive to cuddles of course!)

Sorry this response is a bit of a ramble, currently exhausted due to a nasty cold, first day of period and two unwell twins.

Op, not at all. It's not as simple as that.

You can it build up resilience and go from there before you can even think of being at the point where you can put what elsewhere, so it's at the point where it doesn't define you. That takes years, for some it may never happen.

The memories will always be there, certain songs coming on the radio and smells. But I'm at the point now where I'll pause for a second instead.of freezing and taking to my bed for the day, not even aware of why. My choice to move on has been a personal one but it wouldn't have been possible without building up to it first. It doesn't work that way. Trauma can't just be switched off.

I can't help wondering who I would have been, if my childhood was different. The neural pathways involved in nurturing relationships, self esteem, and attachment are largely closed by aged 7 apparently, and it's hard to 'reverse' the effects of neglect or abuse during formative years.

The brain is the most plastic part of the body, our neural pathways are constantly developing and redeveloping, insecure attachment patterns can be made more secure (have a look at the concept of earned secure attachment).

I think wondering who we might have been is part of that legacy, though who I am now was shaped by all my experiences and the work I’ve done to overcome them. I would rather not have gone through it but the person I am now is pretty damned awesome, I’m a strong capable woman with close, loving dependable relationships. I think grieving what might have or should have been is an important part of recovery, or at least it has been for me.

Abuse and adversity leave their mark, of course they do, but it’s not now what defines me, it’s part of my story like any other part. For me, that feels like recovery.

Forgiveness and 'moving on' rather depends on the person doesn't it. I'm always struck by Doreen Lawrence who seems to be very gracious and has death with her childs death. There are other high profile child deaths where you wonder if the parents torment will ever end. Or if they have ever had adequate counselling. Some remained so consumed by hate, they don't seem to have any peace within themselves. Others of course commit suicide, another tragedy within the family

Tiltheend you sound quite similar to me as my mother was my main abuser and my siblings/stepfather followed her lead. My father enabled her by abandoning me with her because he couldn't cope with her. I had a 'successful' life until my mid 30's when a full blown, (albeit well functioning as I can't EVER lose control) breakdown led to me seeking therapy which opened up a very nasty can of worms.

My recovery has been hampered massively by my mother reinventing herself as the victim and me losing everyone in my family because I brought up the sexual abuse that she covered up, even though I can rationally understand that they don't deserve to be in my life or my DCs. She had an opportunity to redeem herself and help me through it but she chose to throw grenades at me instead. I will never forgive her. I was being sarcastic about forgiveness BTW. I've read a lot of Alice Miller.

@ArrestedDeveloper I am sorry you are going through this too. Its truly, devastating to realise you havent moved past it.

Being NC is so much better for me. But that can be very difficult emotionally. My best friend introduced me to my now dp. He is her brother. Theie mum (mil) is the closest thing I have to a mum. Their dad, passed awayvyrara ago. They are my family. Even before I was with Dp, they treated me like family. So I still get family christmases

But sometimes I look at them all and feel immense jealousy. I am so glad I have them in my life. But I wish I had my own family like theirs. I truly feel theres something wrong with me. They adore my brother. It must be me.

I honestly think that 'getting over it' is a ridiculous notion.

There is a difference between this and learning to function with it. Thats the key.

From my own experience, this manifested in me by blaming everything I did wrong on the poor decisions I made on my childhood experiences. "I lied because of xxx happened when I young", etc etc. Little things, but so so destructive in every day adult life.

Learning NOT to do this was the hardest part. When I did finally learn not to, that was when id learnt to function FINALLY as an adult.

Ill never be 'over it', but I can function now

YANBU.

I have accepted it happened but I haven't accepted it was ok because it wasn't. It has certainly shaped who I am. It has impacted hugely on my relationships and although I've had some good ones in which i acted poorly because I knew no better I was also in an abusive relationship.

It has impacted positively on how I parent because I strive to be different in every way from my parents.

I've done counselling and medication. My main problem now, which I was discussing on another thread just today, is dealing with the impact it has had on relationships in the wider family. Whilst I am nc/lc in some cases, there are people I want to maintain a relationship with but I feel like they blame me for the splintered family. Their stance is just that - I should move on and forgive and forget. It's not easy. Plenty of people had a worse time than me but my childhood was far from normal or happy and I still carry the damage around with me.

I didnt have an abusive childhood. But children learn how to be adults from the adults around them. I do think that's a very very hard thing to unpick once you've grown up. Obviously people can but I think it takes a lot of work and good therapists. You see it on here though a lot - adults who had abusive upbringings who think they are past it and have put it all behind them who have then chosen an abusive partner and then another one and they can't see that they are being abused ans there may be a pattern until people here have pointed it out. It's a hard habit to break and even harder if they think they have already broken it when they haven't. But it can be done

Forgiven my parents their victims in their own rights. but can't let go of how it's shaped me as a person. I'm highly strung, sensitive to criticism, struggle to maintain relationships, fragile mental health, list goes on. So envious of easy going people. I can't help but wonder what I'd be like if I'd come from a safe loving home environment. I'm probably going to spend the rest of my life in my head trying to make sense of things and trying to keep my shit together.

I agree that you will never be able to make your life or yourself as they would have been without the abuse. But I do think you can move on in the sense of getting to a point it is not very regularly present in your head and you are on defined by it.

I don't believe people can just choose to move on, I think I happens over time, with a fair amount of thought and processing.

I also don't think you have to forgive your abuser in order to move on.

YANBU, I will never get over it.

I think you don't get over it but you do have a choice. Proove to people you will succeed this people won't bring you down,, your past won't shape your future. Or end up repeating the cycle of abuse. (AS is so often the case.)

So the general consensus is that I'm wrong. I must try harder then!

I think you are wrong to say no-one can, but you are wrong to say you must try harder. Just because some people can doesn't mean everyone can.

I'm one of 4 siblings. Everyone has dealt with it, and reacted differently. Our lives are all very different.

For example, I'm the only one that hasn't forgiven, yet I'm the most at peace of us all. But that's because that's how it worked for me. My counselling and my journey was very different from theirs because we're such different characters anyway.

YANBU.
Everyone is different, two siblings who had the same upbringing can deal with things totally differently.
My mum and her sister are like that. My mum says it no longer controls her and it's not on her mind all the time. My aunt has always struggled and can't get past it. It's not because she hasn't tried hard enough, she's just a different person to my mum.
I'm sorry you are struggling.
I think what pp are trying to say is that it's possible given the right circumstances and maybe that hope could be helpful to you.

Ugh, how I hate the "working hard through therapy" posts - YANBU, op

Mine was caused by intense dysfunction in my family, I no longer have contact with siblings and it hurts so much. For me it has left intense feelings of loneliness and emptiness that never seem to go. I am having counselling, cbt was useless for me. I just feel so alone even when I'm not, as I have a good marriage. I wish someone could help me as I have panic attacks a lot.

Agreed, you have to heAl the trauma.

I think abuse comes back to get you when you least expect it. It was only when my father died, when I was nearly fifty, that I could being to realise what a nasty destructive piece of work he was. And that my mother facilitated and enabled his abuse. Also that his narrative and that of my mother and two brothers was that I was 'the difficult one'. I can now see that every decision I made as an adult had been about trying to shut the lid on that abuse.

Some people can compartmentalise really well, draw a line & leave it behind them. I know people who've had horrific childhoods & have done this & are genuinely happy. I also know others who haven't & are still crucified by it. We are all different.