You can't just 'move on' from an abusive childhood?

[ArrestedDeveloper]

Or 'let go', 'get over it', 'overcome it'!

AIBU to think the people who spout this nonsense have no idea how the brain works? This includes therapists, psychiatrists and GP's.

You can 'forgive' abuser all you like. That doesn't change your neural pathways or your core beliefs which are almost impossible to change.

For me, understanding the childhood abuse was key to my moving on. I needed a logical explanation as to why my childhood was what it was, I needed to know that actually no one was to blame. My parents were as much of a product of their upbringing as I was, the difference was I was able to afford £100 an hour to get this help. That wasn't an option for them or so many others.

I've always owned my own story and been very open about it with people and I'm still like that, but it doesn't define my anymore, it's not who I am, it's just what happened to me years ago. I still wobble. But I actually quite like the wobbles, they remind me how far I've come.

@wellhelloxx11xx what happened was that my stepson happened. He raped and abused my children. I had no idea. You don't think that another child would do such a thing, but he did. I take full responsibility for it happening on my watch and not a day goes by when it doesn't tear me apart that i didn't... couldn't... see it. When i found out i went straight to the police and social services and from then on protected my babies as best i could. Our lives have been utterly shattered these past six years, but we're slowly putting them back together as best we know how. My only hope is that one day my children may forgive me for letting them down, because i know I certainly never will.

And i don't blame you for blaming me. I guess if i didn't know our story I'd judge too, understandably.

I work with people who have primarily experienced childhood trauma and are now in their late teens early twenties and have Personality Disorder diagnoses.

I don't think anyone gets over it. Just like no one really gets over grief or moves on from serious events but what I see happen with the ladies is their worlds get bigger and the events get less significant. They learn to cope and they learn to place less focus on the trauma and more on more positive things.

It's very fucking hard to get to that point though. Horrifically so and they have to be motivated and ready. Largely we take two steps forward and one back before we get anywhere. Baby steps and slow progress.

But we do get there in the majority to a degree where the trauma is survivable. Their lives are worth living (their words not mine).

@ArrestedDeveloper I haven't read the entire thread, but your OP I 100% agree with.
I grew up with abusive mother. Would beat the living daylights out of me whilst under the influence of alcohol and drugs, then leave me to walk over 6 miles to school. I'd be placed under sanctions at school due to lateness, falling asleep in class, not completing homework. Not only did her abuse leave my home life in pieces, but my school life too.
Removed from her care, placed in the care of another abusive family member. Mentally, physically and emotionally abused for years.
Placed in therapy after two suicide attempts. Was told multiple times that I needed to 'just let it go' and to forgive mother and other family in order to be able to move on. Was told many times 'but she's still your mum' and 'they're still your family'.

Met my DP at 18. His family have been so incredibly supportive and have helped me rebuild my life. I've since been to university, gained both my undergrad and postgrad degree and am getting married to DP later this year. Beginning fertility treatment with hospital to start our own family. He always tells me that the only thing he's thankful to DM for is for bringing me into the world, and for showing me everything that a family is not. MIL has helped me try to build bridges with DM so that I can at least know I tried. It's taken me years, and I've been rejected many a time, but I've finally started to heal. You cannot, and I cannot stress this enough, simply forgive and forget years of abuse.
But given time, understanding, patience and a desire to grow as a person, we will all be able to move on. It will always be there, but it won't define us.

I assume from the post that you are a survivor of abuse, and I sincerely hope that one day you find peace.

YANBU. There is studies to suggest when abuse occurs at a young age the brain “rewires” itself to an unusual way of thinking/reasoning. Older people who suffer abuse are commonly diagnosed with PTSD which also some people never recover. Nobody can ever judge or say you should get over it. Nobody knows how you feel or what you have to deal with on a daily basis x

There is no right or wrong in this
I was talking about this subject to a friend/colleague recently we’ve both bee sexually abused as children and been in very abusive adult relationships
Thankfully now doing ok n surviving
I think some of it is personality and way we deal with things - we are both good at compartmentalising things and able to talk - which I think what has got us through
Hope you find your way through soon

Everyone is different, there are so many variables which could affect the long-term implications of childhood abuse.

Op, I'm sorry to hear of the experience you've had, and no YANBU
I think one of the reasons some people struggle to accept that its not clear cut is because it's assumed to be willpower. Its not.

The example I found most helpful for this was a training course I went on where they described childhood as the foundations and ground floor of building a house. An ideal childhood would have solid foundations and all the bricks in place, ready to start building upwards. For an abusive childhood, take away bits of the foundations, or make them shallow, or in unstable ground, or remove them completely. Same with the bricks - the more severe the abuse was, remove more bricks. You've got the start of the house but it's patchwork.

Now imagine adulthood - the next storey up - and it's obvious why adulthood would be more fragile for some. Some people might have resources - friends, education etc - that means they can add in a few bricks and make the walls a bit stronger. Some people might find they can't reach the gaps, but they find other ways to shore it up, there's still gaps of bricks but they'll add in a crossbeam or some props and the wall will be stronger.

For those people who have a strong house, they already have what they need to keep building, they've got a head start.
For those who have a house that needs work, if they can strengthen it, they can keep building. But it will probably take longer, because they've had to spend extra time and energy fixing things.
For those who've got no way of plugging the gaps or shoring it up, they might spend all their time trying to protect themselves against the elements and building stories 3/4/5 might seem like a pipe dream.

Sorry if that comes across as trite but I honestly found it a useful way of thinking about it. Our childhood builds our personalities, it affects our development - emotional and cognitive - it impacts our temper, patience, self esteem, self belief. Someone who has had a difficult childhood is not going to have the same resources to 'pull themselves up by the bootstraps' as someone else might have.

Howabout
I am absolutely appalled that the therapist would use the 'but she is your mother' line😣
You've heard the expression 'with friends like that who needs enemies', I would like to borrow that template:
'with therapists like that who needs abusers'☹️😔

Bored40
Not trite at all, I think that's a fantastic analogy!

I think there are several layers or aspects to recovery. In sort-of order, although they ovelap, I would say it's

• realise that you are being or have been abused

• stop expecting/wanting the abuser not to be abusive - this isn't about forgiveness, this is just that first step to sort of emotionally separate yourself from them if they were supposed to be your caregiver

• realise that your abuse has made you make errors in your thinking (assuming you're to blame, black and white thinking, ignoring red flags in abusive situations and thst sort of thing), learning to recognise and correct those thinking errors so that they stop fucking up your life

• recognise where your trauma provokes emotional reactions that are out of proportion compared to other people (your triggers). Learn to recognise that you're being triggered while it's actually happening. Learn to behave the way you would if you weren't being triggered

• change (through therapy or meditation or I dont know what) your actual emotional reactions to things - actually heal from tge trauma

.- learn the habits and emotions, the likes and loves, the feeling of being a basically decent human being who deserves their place in the world, that you would have developed in childhood if you'd been adequately cared for (I think this one is easy to miss if you've been abused because the neglect that goes along with it looks insignificant in comparison but it's not)

I think it's possible to manage the earlier stages of recovery and do a good imitation of someone who is emotionally healthy, and I did thst for a long time, and I was quite successful in my life. But to actually get to a point where you feel remotely like a normal person - none of that crushing toxic guilt, not triggered the whole time - to be able to feel unconditional happiness - that's a level of recovery I have not reached, and I don't know that I ever will. I have flourished in sone environments but when thigs are hard in life I find it very hard to keep any sort of hope. I wonder if people like us are always going to carry a bit of fragility in that way. I don't know.

Some days I think I have
Moved on. Other days I still feel like stabbing the bastard and I would feel joy in that. Soooo I’m not sure.

@OpiesOldLady you sound like a wonderful mum and you did as much as you could in a horrific situation. The only person to blame is the abuser.

Core beliefs can change but it's a lot harder than overcoming things that happen to us as an adult. Neural pathways can reform when you're a teenager but not later to my knowledge so some of whether you can move on depends if it was sustained abuse and what your teenage years were like. It's also based on how resilient you are, but while that is individual it is not down to the individual and based on a large number of factors.

If this is you and people are talking you to "get over it" I would seek other people to be around who will be more helpful in providing you the time, space and expertise to change those core beliefs

@Factorfifty - Thank you. I dont feel like a wonderful mum. I feel like a complete failure, but it is what it is.

Yes i blame the abuser. I blame my ex husband too. And i blame myself.

I'm so so proud of my children though, they are utterly amazing and I'm in awe of them, completely.