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Original poster

To let mum and new husband stay with me on my wedding night

78 replies

LollyBee887 · 26/09/2019 16:14

So, long story short, I will have to get legally married rather quickly (UK citizen living in France - was already engaged just speeding up the process). We'll have a small ceremony in December with close family from both sides. A larger ceremony will be planned around March 2020.

Here's the dilemma: my mum wants to stay at my house with her new husband.

I've met her husband three times, each for 5/10 minutes (v.v.quick marriage Bear) and while he's nice enough he's still a stranger. I'm very nervous around new people (especially men) and like don't really like sharing my personal space with strangers.

When I bought up the idea of her leaving husband behind she wasn't having any of it (wasn't worth the argument) and when I asked where she was staying she was shocked at the mere thought of staying at a hotel.

When I asked if she was going to take a hotel on my wedding night she was even MORE shocked and then said "she'll be upstairs and put earplugs in Hmm).

So MN, do I let my mum and her "hubby" stay upstairs or do I stand my ground and make her take a hotel?

OP posts:
WildIrishRose1 · 27/09/2019 05:43

Some of the answers here are a little hysterical. If you don't want her to stay, say no. I'm curious, though OP why you wrote "hubby" as you did. It reads quite sarcastically.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 27/09/2019 05:50

Wedding night no! The rest of the week I would have my mum stay but feel awkward about the stranger.

Do you have Airbnb? It seems more homely and less “unwanted” from a guest point of view.

You both get your privacy but free access to kitchen, living and bathroom spaces whenever, and cheaper too.

bakesalesally · 27/09/2019 06:03

I think as your mum is married, you will need to accept her new husband is coming. You won't get to know him if you never spend time with him. But I agree with PP about your wedding night. No way! They have to make themselves scarce and not come back until the following evening.

Good luck!

Blondebakingmumma · 27/09/2019 06:25

The last thing I would want is ppl staying with me in the lead up to a wedding. Organizing wedding thing plus getting the house guest ready, plus the inconvenience of them in the way when you are busy. Would you be expected to cook and clean after them or can they sort themselves out?

Savingforarainyday · 27/09/2019 06:29

I wonder if you got her back up by asking her husband to stay at home?

CiliatedEpithelium · 27/09/2019 06:37

This is your moment OP. You have to see what this indicates. You have to say no. Not just for yourself but for your new husband. If you don't stand up to her, he may think this is the way it will always be. There is a reason there are so many MIL jokes. Your mother is a cliche, muscling in like this just because she doesn't want to be slightly inconvenienced. It's not like you are expecting her to sleep in a damp caravan ffs. Tell her expressly NO. You will always remember your wedding night.

captainpantbeard · 27/09/2019 06:39

“It’s our wedding night mum. You’ll have to stay somewhere else that night” On repeat!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/09/2019 06:41

Did you go to her recent wedding? Did you stay in their home? Just wondering if this is her thinking.

From the sound of it tbh you didn’t get an invite to their wedding. In this case, my angle would be. They got to celebrate their wedding together in a way they chose and you expect her to respect you to do the same.

That said, however, you are effectively expecting her to come over twice for two weddings. I take it you’re doing the town hall December and the church / party next year.

Is there anyone from your fiancée’s family, who could put them up? I’m thinking preferably his parents. It would be nice maybe and a way to get to know each other.

Bouffalant · 27/09/2019 06:44

Fuck that OP. I'd book the hotel myself and tell her that's where she's staying.

Cherrysoup · 27/09/2019 06:45

Dear god, no! I think it’s really weird that she would even think she could stay!

BigChocFrenzy · 27/09/2019 06:45

YANBU: Just say NO !

She's a CF demanding that her new DH, whom you hardly know, stay over for your wedding night
That's not the time to get to know him better

Bad enough if she were just demanding that she be allowed to stay, but bringing basically a stranger too ? NOOOO

eddielizzard · 27/09/2019 06:49

Absolutely not! OF course she can stay in a hotel. I wouldn't dream of doing this to my DD!

stucknoue · 27/09/2019 06:50

If she's traveling to get there of course she needs to stay a few days, I had about 20 people stay over on my wedding day, (reception was at my parents) my mum was making everyone breakfast when I got up. They all helped clean up then left, we went on honeymoon

TheNoodlesIncident · 27/09/2019 06:56

You're an adult, not a child. She doesn't get to run your life any more!

She should book a hotel. Who even wants to intrude into a newly married couple's home anyway?! Earplugs do not render them not-there, even if they can't hear anything... it's so absurd, I can't think who would a) be fine with pushing into a private time, and b) be so self-centred they only consider how they feel about it!

Don't stand for it OP. Tell her no!

IdiotInDisguise · 27/09/2019 07:00

Frankly, she is unreasonable by wanting to stay there but she may come from a generation who still thinks the real wedding night is after the big party. Since you are keeping all so minimal for the civil law she is, rightly, seeing this just as a step before the real wedding. In fact I’m surprised she wants to be there,

As for the husband, he will be a stranger for as long as you behave towards him as a stranger. You are reasonable in not wanting either of them with you on that night, but I really think that you need to become more open and generous with him, he is keeping your mother happy (and out of your hair) and insisting in disrespecting their relationship by keeping him at arms length can only result in you and your mum gradually becoming more distant. He is her main family now that you are grown up, with your own partner and leaving away.

Foslady · 27/09/2019 07:04

So did she have her mother (or in your dh to be’s case mil) stay with her on her wedding night????

Thought not!

lottiegarbanzo · 27/09/2019 08:16

Never mind him. Why would your mother be staying with you on your wedding night?

Toastymash · 27/09/2019 08:27

If you and your partner are comfortable with her staying then let her stay. If you are not comfortable with her staying then say no.

Please consider your partner here. I would have been fucking fuming if my MIL stayed at ours on our wedding night.

Rezie · 27/09/2019 08:40

Is the problem with your mum staying or her husband staying? As in if she was coming alone it would be fine? Cause you spend quite a bit of time on the husband if that's completely irrelevant.

I wouldn't have a problem with this since they would be traveling from abroad and needing to stay for more than a night. Also they are not hard work. I can completely understand why you want privacy and telling then to get a hotel is totally fine. Maybe if they are staying longer they could spend a few nights at your and a few at a hotel?

Unknownanon · 27/09/2019 09:09

No way. I'd be really pissed off if i was your spouse too for letting her dictate.

Rudebestman · 27/09/2019 11:14

I’ve name changed to say “just say no” to her.

My DH’s best man stayed with us for a holiday(!) before and after the wedding (live in the same country)
During his best man speech all he said about me was “can’t say anything about Rude as I don’t know her” - knew me well enough to impose on us, be fed meals I prepared and be in our house on our wedding night cheeky shit!

Rudebestman · 27/09/2019 11:15

It still rankles with me all these years later!

billy1966 · 27/09/2019 11:26

@Rudebestman

Unbelievable!
I certainly wouldn't be impressed with my new husband facilitating that.

Rudebestman · 27/09/2019 13:25

Quite

itsasmallwordafterall · 27/09/2019 13:34

No she definitely needs to get a hotel. Not fair on your dp either....could you imagine if your thread was "dp is allowing MIL to stay over on our wedding night". There would be uproar! Quite rightly so.

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